Comment from Lea Tonin1

Excellent

This is a really great poem. I'm the voting booth and I hadn't read yours yet. So I thought well this is worth a good read. I liked it so much. And it speaks of the human condition and how we sometimes fail and need to be dusted off and picked up again. Sometimes there are things we can't do it, it's a chick's fault where they may myself, it's more about, but it caused more harm than good, that is, I appreciate the dilemma you are in. I appreciate you just told me what you're trying to say well with the stars it received. Hope you have a great day!

 Comment Written 20-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2023

Thanks, Lea. As we get older, we sometimes accumulate more secrets. This is not a good idea.

Comment from jake cosmos aller

Excellent

wonderful poem about dark secrets many of us have that we might take to the grave with us, or forget as dementia sets in. I like how you dance around the secret and never let on what exactly is it? a companion piece would reveal it and that is how I would have written this.

 Comment Written 20-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2023

Thanks, Jake. I'll think about revealing the secret.

Comment from davisr (Rhonda)

Excellent

Hi secret writer. Your poem reaches into the mind of a woman with a secret so haunting it keeps her awake, intruding into her days. With dementia, she may forget...or she might just tell on herself.

Great job!
Best of luck in the contest,
Rhonda

 Comment Written 19-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2023

Thanks, Rhonda. Secrets are never good for insomnia.

reply by davisr (Rhonda) on 20-Oct-2023

True!

reply by davisr (Rhonda) on 20-Oct-2023

It?s you, Paul! So glad to see who wrote the poem. It was great!

reply by the author on 21-Oct-2023

Thanks fore the pat on the back, Rhonda.

Comment from Douglas Goff

Excellent

Interesting. Very interesting. I had expected you to blow us out with something silly at the end but you actually brought us in on a smooth landing and never revealed the secret.

Well done. Well done, indeed!

 Comment Written 19-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2023

Thanks, Doug. I don't know if dementia is a smooth landing, but at least it's a landing.

reply by Douglas Goff on 20-Oct-2023

Good point.

Comment from Eleri

Excellent

I am intrigued now as to what the secret is. The alternate rhyming in this poem is good and it is generally well written. However the rhythm is a bit inconsistent. I think that I would have tried to make each line have approximately the same number of syllables as that makes a poem much easier to read out loud with a good flow. Nevertheless I do wish you all the best in the contest
Eleri

 Comment Written 19-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 19-Oct-2023

Thanks, Eleri. Something that might help you is that the poem is written in iambic heptameter. I don't like really long lines, so each heptad is stretched over two lines.

Comment from Sally Law

Excellent

Wonderfully penned and illustrated poem of the deep secret. Yes, dementia may wipe it out as I have cared for a relative with Alzheimer's. It's different with every one though.

Sending you my best today as always, and my very best wishes for the upcoming contest.
Sally :))

 Comment Written 19-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 19-Oct-2023

Thanks, Sally. I really like the star of David on your picture.

Comment from Terry Broxson

Excellent

Dang, this puts a whole new face on temptation. I think it would be very tempting to want to share a deep, dark secret. But one that eats at your mind is a tough one. Excellent. Terry.

 Comment Written 19-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 19-Oct-2023

Thanks, Terry. I have gotten in trouble more than once by telling a person a secret and telling them not to tell anyone else. Sure enough, in a few days, almost everybody knows.

Comment from Janis Miller

Good

I love the silliness and suspense in this poem. I think there are a few areas I might have written different just for the sake of flow.

Comma: I have a deep, dark

All inquiries that I've had.... Reads better. I have had, slows the reading down.

The secret's locked inside my brain but (now) it's wanting out.

It seems I can't unwind

That has been bugging me

These were the speed bumps I found reading it through the first time where the flow of the poem changed. When I played with words a bit, these suggestions made it more of a consistent flow.

Just suggestions. But I do love the overall content of the poem. It made me giggle.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 19-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 19-Oct-2023

I appreciate the suggestions, Janis. I'll take a look.

Comment from Dolly'sPoems

Excellent

This is a clever, well rhymed and metered poem and such a delight to read, it should be a winner for the contest, a talented write from a talented pen, love Dolly x

 Comment Written 19-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 19-Oct-2023

Thanks, Christine. One of the few benefits of dementia.

Comment from Claire Tennant

Excellent

What a way to reveal a tale of woe. Very cleverly written. Can you hear me giggling? The rhyme runs well, the tension builds, and the thoughts are clear. Very well done.

 Comment Written 19-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 19-Oct-2023

Thanks, Claire. Tension, yes tension!!!