Jay
True story37 total reviews
Comment from Douglas Goff
Very interesting. There sure are a lot of "strange birds" out there.
One fine tune:
and often would laugh maniacally to emphasize his craziness.
(Better flow if you reverse often would to would often)
that Is the only minor thing I saw. Thanks for sharing this!
D
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
  |
Very interesting. There sure are a lot of "strange birds" out there.
One fine tune:
and often would laugh maniacally to emphasize his craziness.
(Better flow if you reverse often would to would often)
that Is the only minor thing I saw. Thanks for sharing this!
D
Comment Written 12-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
-
Thank you D! I?m glad you found it interesting. I will tune that up, it sounds much better that way. Thank you for the tip! Best wishes to you!
-
Glad I could assist you with such an awesome piece!
Comment from nomi338
To me it matters not whether he was lying or telling the complete truth. The thing that matters most to me was that he shared with you, someone who would eventually become a writer some wonderful examples of story craft. That his stories stuck with you and affected you in such a way, was a marvelous gift. Every writer needs someone in their life to spice things up and inspire you to put on paper this extraordinary experience.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
|
To me it matters not whether he was lying or telling the complete truth. The thing that matters most to me was that he shared with you, someone who would eventually become a writer some wonderful examples of story craft. That his stories stuck with you and affected you in such a way, was a marvelous gift. Every writer needs someone in their life to spice things up and inspire you to put on paper this extraordinary experience.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023
-
He is really a novel, not a short story. I left so much out here. I?m glad to have met him, even if he was as cold as he said he was. Thank you for reading!
Comment from Ric Myworld
Sometimes it's amazing the lengths people will go to when wanting to be accepted or interesting to others. But we can never be sure if their world is make believe or real. One thing for sure, such vivid imaginations might very well be capable of anything. Thanks for sharing your well written and enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
|
Sometimes it's amazing the lengths people will go to when wanting to be accepted or interesting to others. But we can never be sure if their world is make believe or real. One thing for sure, such vivid imaginations might very well be capable of anything. Thanks for sharing your well written and enjoyable read.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
-
Thank you for reading and leaving such a kind review! I?m glad you enjoyed it!
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
The metal plates he had all over his body? Did I miss something? Did the aliens implant these?
This certainly is a gripping story, Mike. You've described Jay well, every disturbing detail of him. I'm in the camp that says he was a very good liar; if all those people were murdered by him, would they not be "missing" and a pattern noticed and possibly reported by the press or town officials? He was a creepy character, for sure. And there's the part about aliens . . .
A good write for the contest. Good luck!
Pam
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
|
The metal plates he had all over his body? Did I miss something? Did the aliens implant these?
This certainly is a gripping story, Mike. You've described Jay well, every disturbing detail of him. I'm in the camp that says he was a very good liar; if all those people were murdered by him, would they not be "missing" and a pattern noticed and possibly reported by the press or town officials? He was a creepy character, for sure. And there's the part about aliens . . .
A good write for the contest. Good luck!
Pam
Comment Written 11-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
-
His reasoning was when a convicted child molester goes missing, police don?t search very hard. Sounds logical, but could also be a fabrication to fill holes in his story. I never asked more details because I just couldn?t believe it. The metal plates were from combat. I should probably mention that, thank you for pointing that out! I appreciate you reading and leaving a kind review, best wishes to you!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I would re-look at your formatting here. The spaces around the paragraphs are inconsistent. Sometimes you use a clear line between them and other times not. It appears to be quite arbitrary.
I won't bother with a last name because it was too long and too Polish without enough vowels. Styntlschvski, I think. - why bother? This is just redundant.
Make sure all of the descriptions fully gel together - Jay was roughly 300 pounds, yet he moved with a delicate swiftness./ He was a skilled butcher, quite methodical and precise, though he wasn't the quickest. Then again, he didn't need to move quickly. - these two don't.
Watch out for repetitive words (supposedly is
big offender) and the over-reliance on adverbs on occasion. they can expose a weakness in the verb choice.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
 |
Hi there,
I would re-look at your formatting here. The spaces around the paragraphs are inconsistent. Sometimes you use a clear line between them and other times not. It appears to be quite arbitrary.
I won't bother with a last name because it was too long and too Polish without enough vowels. Styntlschvski, I think. - why bother? This is just redundant.
Make sure all of the descriptions fully gel together - Jay was roughly 300 pounds, yet he moved with a delicate swiftness./ He was a skilled butcher, quite methodical and precise, though he wasn't the quickest. Then again, he didn't need to move quickly. - these two don't.
Watch out for repetitive words (supposedly is
big offender) and the over-reliance on adverbs on occasion. they can expose a weakness in the verb choice.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
-
Thank you! These are the tips I need! I will be making revisions. I hope you enjoyed it.
Comment from Mario PIERRE
This is a great true story. It reads like a legend people talk about without knowing if the events were true or not. Your words are well chosen and the story flows nicy and thecread enjoyable
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
|
This is a great true story. It reads like a legend people talk about without knowing if the events were true or not. Your words are well chosen and the story flows nicy and thecread enjoyable
Comment Written 11-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
-
Thank you! I?m glad you enjoyed it
Comment from Loretta Bigg
This story (non-fiction) intrigues me. It's really hard to judge if the man is a liar or not, and that works for me, because it keeps me guessing and wondering. I like that its basically a character sketch describing what could be considered a hero or a diabolical killer or both. I especially appreciated the part with the battery and the woman being scared which to me means he must be a killer. But like you say, serial killers don't go around bragging and someone would have spoken up.
Your use of language description is really excellent (a tank, etc.) Just a couple of words don't fit the narrative tone: Clearly deceased. I love the ending. Good to keep it open-ended like that. Congrats it was a good read.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
|
This story (non-fiction) intrigues me. It's really hard to judge if the man is a liar or not, and that works for me, because it keeps me guessing and wondering. I like that its basically a character sketch describing what could be considered a hero or a diabolical killer or both. I especially appreciated the part with the battery and the woman being scared which to me means he must be a killer. But like you say, serial killers don't go around bragging and someone would have spoken up.
Your use of language description is really excellent (a tank, etc.) Just a couple of words don't fit the narrative tone: Clearly deceased. I love the ending. Good to keep it open-ended like that. Congrats it was a good read.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
-
Thank you so much! I wondered if that made sense, and you?re right, I don?t know he was clearly deceased because I don?t know if it even happened. I really appreciate tips like these from knowledgeable writers like yourself. Revisions will be made! I?m so glad you enjoyed it, thank you again!
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Hi Mike,
This is a fun and interesting story. Jay seems very believable, even if his self stories are a bit far-fetched. You just never know, right? It's funny how some people just don't quite have the same grip on reality as the rest of us.
One thing you might want to be aware of is being repetitive in your telling us you're not sure you believe him. Mentioning it a few times brings home the point and doesn't distract from your narrative.
Otherwise, your writing is fun and interesting.
Best of luck in the contest,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
|
Hi Mike,
This is a fun and interesting story. Jay seems very believable, even if his self stories are a bit far-fetched. You just never know, right? It's funny how some people just don't quite have the same grip on reality as the rest of us.
One thing you might want to be aware of is being repetitive in your telling us you're not sure you believe him. Mentioning it a few times brings home the point and doesn't distract from your narrative.
Otherwise, your writing is fun and interesting.
Best of luck in the contest,
Rhonda
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
-
Thank you Rhonda! I felt like I overemphasized it too, I?m gonna trim it up. I really appreciate tips like this, I can tell you know your stuff! I?m really glad you found it interesting, and it is true! Best wishes to you!
-
I?d love to reread it once you revise it. I?d love to see you win the contest.
Comment from Lea Tonin1
Holy smokes! Is that ever a superior piece of literature you have a written here! I was completely captivated and thinks its a wonderful job!
If he told the truth or not think what really matters is what you took away from it. I think you took positive lessons out of negative things if I'm not mistaken.
None of us yes everyone is o k in the end.
This is extremely well written by a obviously talented hand. I see no issues with grammar no issues with spelling punctuation sentence structure or subject matter. I find it all to be quite good. I look forward to more of your work and hope that your day is grand!
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
|
Holy smokes! Is that ever a superior piece of literature you have a written here! I was completely captivated and thinks its a wonderful job!
If he told the truth or not think what really matters is what you took away from it. I think you took positive lessons out of negative things if I'm not mistaken.
None of us yes everyone is o k in the end.
This is extremely well written by a obviously talented hand. I see no issues with grammar no issues with spelling punctuation sentence structure or subject matter. I find it all to be quite good. I look forward to more of your work and hope that your day is grand!
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
-
Wow, thank you so much! He was a strange man, and my wife will attest to that. I?m glad you enjoyed it, thank you again for the kind review!
Comment from jmdg1954
Sometimes people get so caught up in their on lies that lying becomes second nature to them and they do it do well.
So much of what you wrote or in the manner you wrote it, leans that way.
I can't be sure...
John
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
|
Sometimes people get so caught up in their on lies that lying becomes second nature to them and they do it do well.
So much of what you wrote or in the manner you wrote it, leans that way.
I can't be sure...
John
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
-
I can?t be sure either. There?s a lot of detail I left out here. I could probably do 50 pages about our interactions and things he said. I?m considering it, because the more I think back on him, the more convinced I am. Thank you for taking the time to read it and review! Best wishes to you!
