Peter's First Airplane Ride
He killed the terrorists.5 total reviews
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Your story started off good. However, I believe you
included so many things that couldn't possibly have
happened. For instance, how was Peter able to use
karate and kill several terrorists while others had their
guns trained on the passengers? Surely, Peter would've
been killed by one of them. How could he discreetly gain
entrance to the cockpit? If his rifle had been locked up
and unloaded, how could he have killed any of the terrorists
by shooting them Ok, he had it unlocked.? How did he know
the original pilot and copilot were poisoned. Why would he
tear up his shirt then tie up the ones flying the plane only
to shoot and kill them? There are other instances of confusion
and hyperbole. It's doubtful anyone would've survived a crash
such as the one in this story. I believe you would've done better
to focus on one or two 'things' rather the so many.
Best wishes, Jan
reply by the author on 23-May-2023
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Your story started off good. However, I believe you
included so many things that couldn't possibly have
happened. For instance, how was Peter able to use
karate and kill several terrorists while others had their
guns trained on the passengers? Surely, Peter would've
been killed by one of them. How could he discreetly gain
entrance to the cockpit? If his rifle had been locked up
and unloaded, how could he have killed any of the terrorists
by shooting them Ok, he had it unlocked.? How did he know
the original pilot and copilot were poisoned. Why would he
tear up his shirt then tie up the ones flying the plane only
to shoot and kill them? There are other instances of confusion
and hyperbole. It's doubtful anyone would've survived a crash
such as the one in this story. I believe you would've done better
to focus on one or two 'things' rather the so many.
Best wishes, Jan
Comment Written 23-May-2023
reply by the author on 23-May-2023
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He didn't know the pilot and co-pilot were poisoned. He loaded the gun up.
Comment from tempeste
Ciao poet, you have 5 votes now!
Peter sure had one hell of a life. Being bullied spurred him to learn karate which did come in handy against the terrorists during the hijacking.
It s a pity despite his courage he was not able to save the passengers.
Glad Peter got to meet and build a relationship with his mother .
You do have a vivid imagination!
reply by the author on 23-May-2023
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Ciao poet, you have 5 votes now!
Peter sure had one hell of a life. Being bullied spurred him to learn karate which did come in handy against the terrorists during the hijacking.
It s a pity despite his courage he was not able to save the passengers.
Glad Peter got to meet and build a relationship with his mother .
You do have a vivid imagination!
Comment Written 23-May-2023
reply by the author on 23-May-2023
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Thanks ! He couldn't save the passengers. The contest was called Final Guy/Girl.
Comment from Monica Chaddick
First, I want to say that I enjoyed the plot of your story, and I think that with some work you could really make it great.
With that said, I did notice a few things that caused me to give you a lower rating than the story would have otherwise deserved. I was a teacher, and I specialized in ELA.
I am sorry, and I hope you understand that my mentioning these things are meant to help make your story better, but they are only my suggestions.
-According to the Modern Language Association (MLA), you should never begin a sentence with a numeral. Instead, you should try to reword the sentence. If you can't reword the sentence, spell out the number.
-I feel that there should be an explanation as to why Peter's bio parents waited until he was so old to give him up for adoption.
-The sentence beginning with "He loved his..." and ending with "in a way they should" is a run on sentence.
-When you say that he had "two brothers and two sisters who were also adopted" it sounds as though his adoptive parents adopted four other children. The proper terminology would be that he had "two brothers and two sisters who were also put up for adoption". It also might be helpful to tell how old they were when they were given up for adoption.
-It states that his birth mom told him the relationship between herself and his father was "very short". I wonder how short that was, considering they had five children, even though there was a set of twins.
-Why was Peter so obsessed with terrorists being on the plane? Was this around 9 / 11? Had he lost someone in a terrorist attack?
-Peter would not have had his rifle on the plane, and neither would the terrorists, as you may transport unloaded firearms in a locked hard-sided container as checked baggage only.
-Why wouldn't his teachers do anything about the bullies at school? Why didn't his adoptive parents take care of the situation?
- One of the first rules that is learned in karate is that you never use a technique learned in anger or revenge, as this is against the very principles that karate was founded upon. You must be wise in the use of your techniques, as karate is not meant to harm others. Therefore, Peter would have been a bully himself if he was using his karate against others just for laughing at him.
-You state that it is a five hour flight. Peter read for half an hour, listened to music for half an hour, and slept for half an hour, which comes to an hour and a half. However, you said that when he awoke from his nap it was halfway through the plane trip. That would have meant that two and a half hours should have passed.
-It is said that the "pilot and the guy next to him" were poisoned. Wouldn't that have been the co-pilot?
-The flight attendants would not have been allowed on the loudspeakers and the passengers would not have been allowed to openly make telephone calls. They would have had to have been hidden to be on phones.
-Even if the rifle had been allowed as a carry on, which it would not have been, by the time he called the attendant, explained what he wanted, and got them to do it, the terrorists would have noticed something was going on with them.
-You started out a sentence saying, "Suddenly, he heard a shot...", which was great. Then, however, when you said that he "heard a bunch more." it made the sentence fall flat.
-I count ten terrorists by the sixth paragraph. Two were in the cockpit, but that left eight among the passengers. It's wonderful that he was able to knock out three terrorists and kill two others, but what were the other three with the rifles doing? How did all of that happen without a shot being fired at Peter, especially since they have already begun killing passengers? Also, why did Peter have to use karate when he had his rifle?
-It says that he "very discreetly" went to the cockpit bathroom and stayed there". After all of the chaos of the fight, I don't think he could have been that discreet. How did he get into the cockpit bathroom without going into the cockpit? How did he get into the cockpit without the other two terrorists that were in there seeing him?
-At the beginning of paragraph seven, you state that "Peter had never learned how to fly a plane before, but he always wanted to. He had taken pilot lessons." If he took pilot lessons, then he had to know how to fly. Furthermore, the title is "Peters' First Airplane Ride", which is not accurate if he took pilot lessons.
-You say that he had torn up his shirt while in the bathroom, but suddenly he is on his knees talking to the terrorists, and tying up the co-pilot. Then he shot him. Why did he bother tying him up if he was going to shoot him, anyway? Why didn't he use karate on them, instead? What was the pilot doing while Peter was tying up the co-pilot?
-Why was there suddenly engine failure and smoke?
-How was Peter not too traumatized to fly after what happened?
-Why wouldn't his adoptive mom, and his bio mom, for that matter, not have rushed to his side at the hospital? Why would it be a phone call and a meeting sometime in the future? Was he supposed to meet his adoptive mom or bio mom in the spring? I ask because you state that he called his adoptive mom and they arranged to meet in the spring, but then it says that he forgave her for giving him up and asked her to move to California, which is where he grew up.
-There were also some grammatical and punctuation errors.
-There was a good bit of information that felt like it was meant to be filler rather than a necessary part of the story. Information in the story should always take us someplace in the story.
reply by the author on 21-May-2023
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First, I want to say that I enjoyed the plot of your story, and I think that with some work you could really make it great.
With that said, I did notice a few things that caused me to give you a lower rating than the story would have otherwise deserved. I was a teacher, and I specialized in ELA.
I am sorry, and I hope you understand that my mentioning these things are meant to help make your story better, but they are only my suggestions.
-According to the Modern Language Association (MLA), you should never begin a sentence with a numeral. Instead, you should try to reword the sentence. If you can't reword the sentence, spell out the number.
-I feel that there should be an explanation as to why Peter's bio parents waited until he was so old to give him up for adoption.
-The sentence beginning with "He loved his..." and ending with "in a way they should" is a run on sentence.
-When you say that he had "two brothers and two sisters who were also adopted" it sounds as though his adoptive parents adopted four other children. The proper terminology would be that he had "two brothers and two sisters who were also put up for adoption". It also might be helpful to tell how old they were when they were given up for adoption.
-It states that his birth mom told him the relationship between herself and his father was "very short". I wonder how short that was, considering they had five children, even though there was a set of twins.
-Why was Peter so obsessed with terrorists being on the plane? Was this around 9 / 11? Had he lost someone in a terrorist attack?
-Peter would not have had his rifle on the plane, and neither would the terrorists, as you may transport unloaded firearms in a locked hard-sided container as checked baggage only.
-Why wouldn't his teachers do anything about the bullies at school? Why didn't his adoptive parents take care of the situation?
- One of the first rules that is learned in karate is that you never use a technique learned in anger or revenge, as this is against the very principles that karate was founded upon. You must be wise in the use of your techniques, as karate is not meant to harm others. Therefore, Peter would have been a bully himself if he was using his karate against others just for laughing at him.
-You state that it is a five hour flight. Peter read for half an hour, listened to music for half an hour, and slept for half an hour, which comes to an hour and a half. However, you said that when he awoke from his nap it was halfway through the plane trip. That would have meant that two and a half hours should have passed.
-It is said that the "pilot and the guy next to him" were poisoned. Wouldn't that have been the co-pilot?
-The flight attendants would not have been allowed on the loudspeakers and the passengers would not have been allowed to openly make telephone calls. They would have had to have been hidden to be on phones.
-Even if the rifle had been allowed as a carry on, which it would not have been, by the time he called the attendant, explained what he wanted, and got them to do it, the terrorists would have noticed something was going on with them.
-You started out a sentence saying, "Suddenly, he heard a shot...", which was great. Then, however, when you said that he "heard a bunch more." it made the sentence fall flat.
-I count ten terrorists by the sixth paragraph. Two were in the cockpit, but that left eight among the passengers. It's wonderful that he was able to knock out three terrorists and kill two others, but what were the other three with the rifles doing? How did all of that happen without a shot being fired at Peter, especially since they have already begun killing passengers? Also, why did Peter have to use karate when he had his rifle?
-It says that he "very discreetly" went to the cockpit bathroom and stayed there". After all of the chaos of the fight, I don't think he could have been that discreet. How did he get into the cockpit bathroom without going into the cockpit? How did he get into the cockpit without the other two terrorists that were in there seeing him?
-At the beginning of paragraph seven, you state that "Peter had never learned how to fly a plane before, but he always wanted to. He had taken pilot lessons." If he took pilot lessons, then he had to know how to fly. Furthermore, the title is "Peters' First Airplane Ride", which is not accurate if he took pilot lessons.
-You say that he had torn up his shirt while in the bathroom, but suddenly he is on his knees talking to the terrorists, and tying up the co-pilot. Then he shot him. Why did he bother tying him up if he was going to shoot him, anyway? Why didn't he use karate on them, instead? What was the pilot doing while Peter was tying up the co-pilot?
-Why was there suddenly engine failure and smoke?
-How was Peter not too traumatized to fly after what happened?
-Why wouldn't his adoptive mom, and his bio mom, for that matter, not have rushed to his side at the hospital? Why would it be a phone call and a meeting sometime in the future? Was he supposed to meet his adoptive mom or bio mom in the spring? I ask because you state that he called his adoptive mom and they arranged to meet in the spring, but then it says that he forgave her for giving him up and asked her to move to California, which is where he grew up.
-There were also some grammatical and punctuation errors.
-There was a good bit of information that felt like it was meant to be filler rather than a necessary part of the story. Information in the story should always take us someplace in the story.
Comment Written 21-May-2023
reply by the author on 21-May-2023
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There is nothing wrong with this story. He was not obsessed. He had to be the sole survivor. He was only three when put up for adoption. He did not take pilot lessons.This is an awesome story.
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Please change your rating.
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I apologize, but I can't do that in good conscious with the issues that I cited. Let me know if any changes are made and I will be happy to take another look. Otherwise, have a nice day and best of luck in the contest.
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Yes I made changes. I cannot believe you rated this average!
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Yes I made changes. I cannot believe you rated this average!
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Yes I made changes. I cannot believe you rated this average!
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
I enjoyed your inventive story with a positive ending and I never think of terrorists when I take a plane ride, but maybe I should? Glad Peter survived, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 20-May-2023
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I enjoyed your inventive story with a positive ending and I never think of terrorists when I take a plane ride, but maybe I should? Glad Peter survived, love Dolly x
Comment Written 20-May-2023
reply by the author on 20-May-2023
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Thanks!
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
This is a well written prose recounting an action-packed terrorist incident in which Peter is the undisputed super-hero! The story moves at fast pace and keeps the reader hooked with the anticipation that all Peter's background in karate and dealing with bullies is soon going to be put to good use. It might be worth giving your prose a once over check but the two glitches I found: 6th para from bottom - repeat of 'killed him' and 2nd para from the bottom - he forgave 'her' Also just align some of the text. Otherwise good to go and good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 20-May-2023
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This is a well written prose recounting an action-packed terrorist incident in which Peter is the undisputed super-hero! The story moves at fast pace and keeps the reader hooked with the anticipation that all Peter's background in karate and dealing with bullies is soon going to be put to good use. It might be worth giving your prose a once over check but the two glitches I found: 6th para from bottom - repeat of 'killed him' and 2nd para from the bottom - he forgave 'her' Also just align some of the text. Otherwise good to go and good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 20-May-2023
reply by the author on 20-May-2023
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Thanks!
