Kelly's Gone
Melancholy me, since Kelly's gone away.32 total reviews
Comment from Nicki Nance
Thank you for putting this poignant story out. How lucky Kelly was to have such a good sister. After tragedy like this, so many people end up with regrets for what they did or did not do. I sometimes think our psyche would rather deal with regret than with the depth of our powerlessness.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2023
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Thank you for putting this poignant story out. How lucky Kelly was to have such a good sister. After tragedy like this, so many people end up with regrets for what they did or did not do. I sometimes think our psyche would rather deal with regret than with the depth of our powerlessness.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2023
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Nicki,
Thank you so much for your insightful review. I think you're spot on when it comes to our powerlessness. The concept is both fascinating and daunting. Personally, I have to remind myself daily to differentiate between the things I can and cannot control, as it's been far too easy to become fixated on control (for me, at least) since the trauma.
Comment from Mario PIERRE
I don't know how you manage with the grief and sense of loss. But to write this down is already a hymn to Kelly, a tribute and an ovation. What I gather from the whole story, is the life of a pure person, scared and not knowing where to hide. I can feel her true conscience as she prefers to run rather than what she believes is ' disappointing" you.
Very heartfelt and sad, and touching. I just am priviledged to share a part of her short life, just by your wonderful writing.
Time does not really heal, but God surely does...
Blessings,
mario
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2023
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I don't know how you manage with the grief and sense of loss. But to write this down is already a hymn to Kelly, a tribute and an ovation. What I gather from the whole story, is the life of a pure person, scared and not knowing where to hide. I can feel her true conscience as she prefers to run rather than what she believes is ' disappointing" you.
Very heartfelt and sad, and touching. I just am priviledged to share a part of her short life, just by your wonderful writing.
Time does not really heal, but God surely does...
Blessings,
mario
Comment Written 25-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2023
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Mario, I am so moved by your kind and empathetic comments. Truly, it means the world to me. Every day I pray, and every day I find a little more peace.
Thank you
Jessica
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing Kelly's story with us as a contest entry. It is not only Kelly's story, but yours as well. It's hard to watch a loved one go through this, unable to help but wanting so badly too. Good luck with the contest. This is very well written.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2023
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Thank you for sharing Kelly's story with us as a contest entry. It is not only Kelly's story, but yours as well. It's hard to watch a loved one go through this, unable to help but wanting so badly too. Good luck with the contest. This is very well written.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2023
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Thank you so very much for your review and kind words . <3
Comment from estory
This is a powerful story of pain and loss and guilt, and I think the first person narrative you used here would serve as a great framework or road map for a stellar short story, or even a short novel. You just have to make the story come alive instead of telling us about it. Put it in third person, that gives it perspective, and let the characters create the scenes and bare their emotions through interactive dialogue and I think you could have a blockbuster. estory
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2023
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This is a powerful story of pain and loss and guilt, and I think the first person narrative you used here would serve as a great framework or road map for a stellar short story, or even a short novel. You just have to make the story come alive instead of telling us about it. Put it in third person, that gives it perspective, and let the characters create the scenes and bare their emotions through interactive dialogue and I think you could have a blockbuster. estory
Comment Written 25-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2023
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Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I'm truly honored by your words of encouragement. I feel inspired to continue Kelly's story, because of them...
Comment from John Ciarmello
Jessica! This is heart-wrenching, and a stronger bond has developed in the wake of your grief--a bond of eternal peace for both of you. You-- knowing you did what you could to save her time and time again and her leaving a corner of your mind to trust she is in a place where she is free to love you and herself the way you wanted her to. I loved this! I'm sure it was challenging to write. Thank you for sharing it with us. Best, JohnC
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2023
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Jessica! This is heart-wrenching, and a stronger bond has developed in the wake of your grief--a bond of eternal peace for both of you. You-- knowing you did what you could to save her time and time again and her leaving a corner of your mind to trust she is in a place where she is free to love you and herself the way you wanted her to. I loved this! I'm sure it was challenging to write. Thank you for sharing it with us. Best, JohnC
Comment Written 24-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2023
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John I'm touched by your incredible review. Thank you so much.
<3 Jessica
Comment from Jim Wile
What a beautifully written, heartfelt, sad story of you and your younger sister who wasn't able to cope with life. I especially loved your comment in the notes about how knowing her only to lose her was better than not knowing her at all. It sounds like she had so much potential, and just could not focus it in a fulfilling, meaningful, satisfying way. So very sad.
Just a wonderful story, Jessica. Jim
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too much to bare
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2023
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What a beautifully written, heartfelt, sad story of you and your younger sister who wasn't able to cope with life. I especially loved your comment in the notes about how knowing her only to lose her was better than not knowing her at all. It sounds like she had so much potential, and just could not focus it in a fulfilling, meaningful, satisfying way. So very sad.
Just a wonderful story, Jessica. Jim
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too much to bare
Comment Written 24-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2023
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Thank you so much, Jim. I'm touched by your kind worded review and feedback. It means the world
<3 Jessica
Comment from evilynne
Your story is extremely well written and heartbreaking. Drug addiction is a terrible disease which affects the addict as well those that love them. I am so sorry for your loss. Evi
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2023
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Your story is extremely well written and heartbreaking. Drug addiction is a terrible disease which affects the addict as well those that love them. I am so sorry for your loss. Evi
Comment Written 24-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2023
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Thank you so much, Evi. That means the world to me.
Comment from Debi Pick Marquette
Oh No, this cannot be. The reason, the real reason God wanted us together. No way, no no no!!! This is identical. The love, the hurt, the pain, the death and then our guilt. I don't know if I can go on right now. And why did I not read this before, but I am crying too hard for you.....and maybe a bit for me...
...I have hardly any words to say right now, out of sadness. Jess, I started reading this, and when you said the part that Kelly's gone, I thought no, no Jess hasn't been thru this too. But then I got to the part where you told her that she couldn't come to your wedding unless she was clean, then I had to stop reading for a while, as my eyes are stinging too horribly from the tears, from the fate that we both just walked into a few weeks ago, and now is so close to even be amazed by. God has a plan and for some reason it is to maybe help one or both of us deal with the guilt that lingers in those dark corners where nobody can see. We will talk but I need to read your story again first....... I just read it again and somehow didn't get any easier,
Please know I am so sorry. Sorry beyond any words that could help you. Sorry beyond everything!! I am only telling you what I am going to so you understand our similarities to such a degree that I am almost speechless.
Denny was four years younger than me. We were so close, and loved each other so much. He was much like me who has no problem telling people that he loved, and had a really big heart. He was a musician and living out of state helped him become an addict. He also drank, but I had tried helping him in go into treatment centers but found out later that he was always planning his next drunk, while in there. He was a master manipulator, but that was the drugs and drink, not his norm. When his wife decided to divorce him, I supported her. I didn't trust him anymore and she had tried hard enough.
One day Denny went to a hotel, got a room and drank himself silly. Then from his room, dialed my number and when I said hello, he said, I just want you to know that I am in a hotel and I am going to kill myself. And I just want you to also know that it is all your fault. I hope you have a wonderful life always knowing that.
He hung up and I went crazy. I didn't know where to start, I called the cops but this was 2005 and they must not have been able to trace the number back then. I went thru 3 days of hell where nobody heard from him. Long story short, he appeared three days later. I told him off and he had no memory of doing that to me. I had direct orders from my family to cut him off as a brother. My middle brother who has always been my hero, helped me make the decision. My daughter Bridget (who resembles you and is close to the same age) was getting married and she said that he would not be at the wedding. But Denny knew just how to get to me. He had apologized many times, and I believe that he was sorry. But then he told me that he had just gotten new clothes for Bridget's wedding, and it killed me to have to tell him that he wasn't invited. I think he knew he wasn't invited so made me feel worse to tell him he couldn't go. After that he was bleeding my dad dry for money as he continued to drink, but told my dad he wasn't. Then in 2008, on his way to get money from my dad at midnight (dad said to wait till morning) he took off in a blizzard on the freeway, they say he was sober, but anyway ran into a tow truck towing someone out of the ditch, and the large arm went right through his windshield and broke his next. The state trooper said that he said that he could hear his mom calling him home. Oh Jess, Denny tried numerous times for me to forgive him, and kept telling me how much he loved me. But I was so full of hurt and mistrust, that I just couldn't let him hurt me again. That was my sin to bare. I have lived all of these years since in such guilt and pain of never making up with him. The guilt has eaten at my flesh, but finally had to give myself permission to forgive myself. Some days it still haunts me pretty bad, but I miss him and Ron so much. (Ron is my oldest brother who died at 43) another guilt trip. They were both in their 40s when they died.
So you see that we are destined to be together for some reason.
I don't know why I was surprised when you were in the contest too for tight rope, (AWESOME POEM) which I have to review soon too. All of a sudden yesterday, I just got this funny feeling about you being in the contest. And then we would have to tie again. Wow, once again, but this story blew my mind and now you know why.. Thank you for this incredible story. You are amazing as always and I am so honored and that God seems to want us together big time.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2023
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Oh No, this cannot be. The reason, the real reason God wanted us together. No way, no no no!!! This is identical. The love, the hurt, the pain, the death and then our guilt. I don't know if I can go on right now. And why did I not read this before, but I am crying too hard for you.....and maybe a bit for me...
...I have hardly any words to say right now, out of sadness. Jess, I started reading this, and when you said the part that Kelly's gone, I thought no, no Jess hasn't been thru this too. But then I got to the part where you told her that she couldn't come to your wedding unless she was clean, then I had to stop reading for a while, as my eyes are stinging too horribly from the tears, from the fate that we both just walked into a few weeks ago, and now is so close to even be amazed by. God has a plan and for some reason it is to maybe help one or both of us deal with the guilt that lingers in those dark corners where nobody can see. We will talk but I need to read your story again first....... I just read it again and somehow didn't get any easier,
Please know I am so sorry. Sorry beyond any words that could help you. Sorry beyond everything!! I am only telling you what I am going to so you understand our similarities to such a degree that I am almost speechless.
Denny was four years younger than me. We were so close, and loved each other so much. He was much like me who has no problem telling people that he loved, and had a really big heart. He was a musician and living out of state helped him become an addict. He also drank, but I had tried helping him in go into treatment centers but found out later that he was always planning his next drunk, while in there. He was a master manipulator, but that was the drugs and drink, not his norm. When his wife decided to divorce him, I supported her. I didn't trust him anymore and she had tried hard enough.
One day Denny went to a hotel, got a room and drank himself silly. Then from his room, dialed my number and when I said hello, he said, I just want you to know that I am in a hotel and I am going to kill myself. And I just want you to also know that it is all your fault. I hope you have a wonderful life always knowing that.
He hung up and I went crazy. I didn't know where to start, I called the cops but this was 2005 and they must not have been able to trace the number back then. I went thru 3 days of hell where nobody heard from him. Long story short, he appeared three days later. I told him off and he had no memory of doing that to me. I had direct orders from my family to cut him off as a brother. My middle brother who has always been my hero, helped me make the decision. My daughter Bridget (who resembles you and is close to the same age) was getting married and she said that he would not be at the wedding. But Denny knew just how to get to me. He had apologized many times, and I believe that he was sorry. But then he told me that he had just gotten new clothes for Bridget's wedding, and it killed me to have to tell him that he wasn't invited. I think he knew he wasn't invited so made me feel worse to tell him he couldn't go. After that he was bleeding my dad dry for money as he continued to drink, but told my dad he wasn't. Then in 2008, on his way to get money from my dad at midnight (dad said to wait till morning) he took off in a blizzard on the freeway, they say he was sober, but anyway ran into a tow truck towing someone out of the ditch, and the large arm went right through his windshield and broke his next. The state trooper said that he said that he could hear his mom calling him home. Oh Jess, Denny tried numerous times for me to forgive him, and kept telling me how much he loved me. But I was so full of hurt and mistrust, that I just couldn't let him hurt me again. That was my sin to bare. I have lived all of these years since in such guilt and pain of never making up with him. The guilt has eaten at my flesh, but finally had to give myself permission to forgive myself. Some days it still haunts me pretty bad, but I miss him and Ron so much. (Ron is my oldest brother who died at 43) another guilt trip. They were both in their 40s when they died.
So you see that we are destined to be together for some reason.
I don't know why I was surprised when you were in the contest too for tight rope, (AWESOME POEM) which I have to review soon too. All of a sudden yesterday, I just got this funny feeling about you being in the contest. And then we would have to tie again. Wow, once again, but this story blew my mind and now you know why.. Thank you for this incredible story. You are amazing as always and I am so honored and that God seems to want us together big time.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2023
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Debi-
Tears stream as I re-read what you went through with your brother. I have never felt so completely blown away and shocked while, at the same time, not surprised at all... everything you say is true. There's a reason I met you. There's a reason I came across this site on a dark day and instantly read you. There's a reason I explored the site further, because of how much I loved YOUR poem. (I can't for the life of me think of the name right now? Something about the eye of the beholder- I can't think straight!)
The next thing I read of yours was - jealousy is many words. Another incredible poem. I read it before knowing it was yours due to the blinders....
I had just joined and decided to enter my first contest. I remember thinking I didn't even do it right! lol but I took a chance, wrote, and submitted "Stare" for the prompt? Jealousy. ! I was so excited to have gotten second place. But I was even more delighted to see your name again next to the first-place ribbon. I swear, I knew right then I would know you and learn from you.. not only from your poetry.
I'm so sorry. What happened to your brother is tragic and unfair. How you speak of him makes me have to catch my breath. I can feel how you felt.. stand in your shoes, hear and feel you- your words scream echos of mine through the screen. I have to admit.. I used to think I would never find anyone who loved their sibling the way I loved Kelly. Until right now, this very moment. I feel like you know because you felt how I felt. Debi, I've never thought I'd feel this empathy.
Our younger siblings. Both by four years. Both of us carrying this burden ... both feeling like we failed to save them.
The incident with the phone call you shared almost knocked me over. Before telling her she had to leave my house, There was one other time that I didn't talk to Kelly because of her using ..... It lasted two days ..she told me she had no one if she didn't have me and threatened to swallow a bottle of pills if I didn't speak to her again. Then she did. She panicked and ran to my room, and the next thing I knew, I had my fingers down her throat making her vomit them all out right in front of me ...25 Xanax.. she was hospitalized for a short time after that. I basically lived with her there ... I'm crying again. I don't know if you understand how lonely I have felt in so much of my unresolved trauma. My husband is incredible, stands by me, and is my rock. He tires so hard, and I love him for it, but he can't know what I feel...I don't know where id be If I didn't have those girls to take care of? I know in my bones you've felt the same way.
I'll have to get into this with you another time, because I've been wanting so badly to talk to you about what happened in your story 'saving Bridget" It is another insanely relatable event ...not exactly the same but the core aspects are identical to what I went through with Camryn ...(Camryn Kelly)<3
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Oh hon, did not want to use the platform to tell about me. That was your time. But my emotions were so raw about similarities. I don't know what got into me,,
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I'm glad you did. After I replied my lengthy reply last night, I thought maybe I should've considered emailing you instead lol I still can't believe it. You saw my reply right? I'll email you a bit later. I hope everything went well with the eye surgeon! Xoxo
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I did and still blown away and still not believing in coincidence!
Comment from Mary Vigasin
Where Kelly is at peace, I hope you are also. You could not save her, but you loved her. You were not a fool for unkept promises. In your promises, you were offering hope.
I am so sorry for your loss. You will always be her big sister.
Best regards and good luck in the contest.
Mary
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2023
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Where Kelly is at peace, I hope you are also. You could not save her, but you loved her. You were not a fool for unkept promises. In your promises, you were offering hope.
I am so sorry for your loss. You will always be her big sister.
Best regards and good luck in the contest.
Mary
Comment Written 23-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2023
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Mary, thank you for your kind words. They meant so much to me.
Comment from JT traveller
This must have been extremely hard to write. I voted for this very story. It was heartfelt and hit me really hard where it hurts. I thank you so much for being brave enough to share your story.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2023
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This must have been extremely hard to write. I voted for this very story. It was heartfelt and hit me really hard where it hurts. I thank you so much for being brave enough to share your story.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2023
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Thank you so much, it truly was quite tough, but I'm glad I did. I appreciate your kindness, review and vote!
<3
Jessica
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I hope you won. I read all of the entries and yours was the standout. Jacqueline