Ghost
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Chrysalis"Biography/Supernatural
29 total reviews
Comment from LateBloomer
Hi Lea, I realize that this is more than a painful story. It represents scars so deeply imbedded into your being. You've lived through a life of hell. No child deserves what you and your sister had to endure.
Obviously, alcohol and, and I'm assuming, mental illness had a lot to do with this. In today's world, your mother, father, and all the father's would be in jail. I've said this about my own father. Also, in today's world, with mental health awareness, perhaps your mother would have been on medication and your life could have been so different. Again, I say these things because they come from a place of knowing.
Like you, at a very young age, "I knew stuff." I knew things that no young child should ever have to know. In my early years, I came from a house where I witnessed alcoholic abuse towards my mother and my older brother. However, seeing that abuse made me a very scared child. I walked on egg shells, until the day that my mother packed our bags and left my father with $25 and 4 children in 1962.
Lea, I don't think that you were lucky enough to have a mother to save you and your siblings. You were dealt an evil hand. You are very brave for writing this story. I can also relate to this because I have written a few of my own stories, and they were painful for me, but your pain is to the extreme. Mentally, you must be very strong, and I can only hope that your current life is a happy one.
Below are some typos, etc. that I found along the way. I know that this story is not about grammar, etc., but I did what I do when I read all stories. I cut and paste along the way. If you choose to make the changes or not, it is up to you. These suggested corrections do not take away anything from your story. Your writing stands on its own.
I also realized, after the fact, that I pulled your story up yesterday, but because it was long, I waited until I had more time to review it. So, I just left the story up which means that you may have made these corrections already. If you have done so, my apologies and please ignore my notations.
L, after writing this part of your story, I'm sure that you will need to exhale and step back in quietude and reflection.
Your story is well told, and I could see and feel the pain and anguish of a young girl. Well done. You have written a story that must be told so that others will recognize "evil" when they see it.
Sincerely, Margaret ~ LateBloomer
Suggested corrections:--a little typo at the beginning. "i" vs. I
-- But I remind myself that this one of the aftershocks of abuse.
(perhaps a missing word? ... that this "is" one of the aftershocks?)
--I shake off the trepidation and sat down in front of my computer
(and "sit" vs. sat?)
--and then looked out at what she had to clean
(and then "looked" at what she had to clean vs. looked out)
--Typos...Because, "eve" at that very young age, my intuitions were keenwithout saying a word. I knew stuff.
("even" vs. eve; and "keen without" vs. keenwithout)
-- any smiles vs. "Any" smiles
--in my (mind's) eye
-- Occasionally, (Mother's new) man
--this man insisted on getting into the shower with "us"
Q. Who was "us."
--
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2024
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Hi Lea, I realize that this is more than a painful story. It represents scars so deeply imbedded into your being. You've lived through a life of hell. No child deserves what you and your sister had to endure.
Obviously, alcohol and, and I'm assuming, mental illness had a lot to do with this. In today's world, your mother, father, and all the father's would be in jail. I've said this about my own father. Also, in today's world, with mental health awareness, perhaps your mother would have been on medication and your life could have been so different. Again, I say these things because they come from a place of knowing.
Like you, at a very young age, "I knew stuff." I knew things that no young child should ever have to know. In my early years, I came from a house where I witnessed alcoholic abuse towards my mother and my older brother. However, seeing that abuse made me a very scared child. I walked on egg shells, until the day that my mother packed our bags and left my father with $25 and 4 children in 1962.
Lea, I don't think that you were lucky enough to have a mother to save you and your siblings. You were dealt an evil hand. You are very brave for writing this story. I can also relate to this because I have written a few of my own stories, and they were painful for me, but your pain is to the extreme. Mentally, you must be very strong, and I can only hope that your current life is a happy one.
Below are some typos, etc. that I found along the way. I know that this story is not about grammar, etc., but I did what I do when I read all stories. I cut and paste along the way. If you choose to make the changes or not, it is up to you. These suggested corrections do not take away anything from your story. Your writing stands on its own.
I also realized, after the fact, that I pulled your story up yesterday, but because it was long, I waited until I had more time to review it. So, I just left the story up which means that you may have made these corrections already. If you have done so, my apologies and please ignore my notations.
L, after writing this part of your story, I'm sure that you will need to exhale and step back in quietude and reflection.
Your story is well told, and I could see and feel the pain and anguish of a young girl. Well done. You have written a story that must be told so that others will recognize "evil" when they see it.
Sincerely, Margaret ~ LateBloomer
Suggested corrections:--a little typo at the beginning. "i" vs. I
-- But I remind myself that this one of the aftershocks of abuse.
(perhaps a missing word? ... that this "is" one of the aftershocks?)
--I shake off the trepidation and sat down in front of my computer
(and "sit" vs. sat?)
--and then looked out at what she had to clean
(and then "looked" at what she had to clean vs. looked out)
--Typos...Because, "eve" at that very young age, my intuitions were keenwithout saying a word. I knew stuff.
("even" vs. eve; and "keen without" vs. keenwithout)
-- any smiles vs. "Any" smiles
--in my (mind's) eye
-- Occasionally, (Mother's new) man
--this man insisted on getting into the shower with "us"
Q. Who was "us."
--
Comment Written 03-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2024
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Thank you so much for this amazing and wonderful review your insight is stunning and I so appreciate it it's very refreshing in fact this whole site is filled with empathic people I swear! And your suggestions for edit or like gold to me all of these things are precious so that we learn and expand as writers so for that I appreciate that too very much! Your kindness in the time you took to write out this very special review is amazing to me I wish I had more nominations so that I could nominate you however so the month go by and I see your wonderful review again I'm happy to nominate you because you so deserve it for this excellent writing and insight and wonderful thought you have put into this so thank you so much again I appreciate this I'm honored and humbled I hope you have an amazing evening!
Comment from Ricky1024
Nightmarishly pure as innocent.
Frighteningly real and moving as Hell hath no savior.
Abuse as young as age five (as told to me)
As she was sold in family to prevent starvation.
Many years ago in Russia.
...
This was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It read well and flowed well with no grammar Issues.
Thanks for sharing this and have a wonderful day
Doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2024
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Nightmarishly pure as innocent.
Frighteningly real and moving as Hell hath no savior.
Abuse as young as age five (as told to me)
As she was sold in family to prevent starvation.
Many years ago in Russia.
...
This was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It read well and flowed well with no grammar Issues.
Thanks for sharing this and have a wonderful day
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 03-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2024
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Hi Ricky wonderful to see you here thank you so much for responding and offering your fine review your comments are so on the money and I appreciate that as well thank you for writing and reading and offering your thoughts I wish you the best of 2024 I hope you have a great night too!
Comment from NanaGaye
What can I say to you, your first chapter bought tears to my eyes, how could any parent treat a child like this. They need to be thrown in jail for life. Love to you and your friend and keep writing it's a good therapy
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2024
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What can I say to you, your first chapter bought tears to my eyes, how could any parent treat a child like this. They need to be thrown in jail for life. Love to you and your friend and keep writing it's a good therapy
Comment Written 02-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2024
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Thank you so much for your kindness for your wonderful thoughts and comments thank you for your review and for your time of which I'm very honored and happy to receive I hope that you had a great Christmas and that your New year's wonderful and you have all that you wish for thank you again have a great night!
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Happiness to you
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Happiness to you
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Happiness to you
Comment from thoughtgame2
I just read the first book chapter of your bio ghost. I'm sure I'ill be reading much more. I don't know why it is that like minds meet in such away but I can feel your strength and persistence throughout these lines we share with each other. Your greatness is no mistake young lady. Pain is pain...true pain is something very different...very useful. Stay sharp. And finish what they started...great job so far. Take a bow. Thank you for sharing!
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2023
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I just read the first book chapter of your bio ghost. I'm sure I'ill be reading much more. I don't know why it is that like minds meet in such away but I can feel your strength and persistence throughout these lines we share with each other. Your greatness is no mistake young lady. Pain is pain...true pain is something very different...very useful. Stay sharp. And finish what they started...great job so far. Take a bow. Thank you for sharing!
Comment Written 18-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2023
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That's a wonderful review. Thank you so much. It kind words your insight and your empathy are wonderful things! I hope you are doing well too.
Not thank you again have the best evening!
Comment from Aiona
What a sorrowful first chapter. But important to tell.
I found a few typos:
1. "I didn't know it then but the moment my sister came down to the basement, was the moment her and I me began the journey only hell could provide."
I think the "was the moment her and I me" was a typo.
Maybe it was supposed to be "was the moment that she and I"?
2. "It was a premonition of what was to come was the feeling"
I think maybe you meant "I felt it was a premonition of what was to come"?
3. "The force of the hit sent the bike up between my legs handle jammed up against my chest"
Perhaps a comma between "legs" and "handle" would help separate the phrases.
I was totally engrossed in the chapter. Hoping to see some improvement in your situation, but seeing it get worse. :( I guess I have to read further!
I was wondering about one part: "I remember watching them eat eggs for breakfast and wishing we were allowed some." Was there a window from the basement door that you could only watch them from? Or maybe it was the smell of the eggs that drew you?
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2023
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What a sorrowful first chapter. But important to tell.
I found a few typos:
1. "I didn't know it then but the moment my sister came down to the basement, was the moment her and I me began the journey only hell could provide."
I think the "was the moment her and I me" was a typo.
Maybe it was supposed to be "was the moment that she and I"?
2. "It was a premonition of what was to come was the feeling"
I think maybe you meant "I felt it was a premonition of what was to come"?
3. "The force of the hit sent the bike up between my legs handle jammed up against my chest"
Perhaps a comma between "legs" and "handle" would help separate the phrases.
I was totally engrossed in the chapter. Hoping to see some improvement in your situation, but seeing it get worse. :( I guess I have to read further!
I was wondering about one part: "I remember watching them eat eggs for breakfast and wishing we were allowed some." Was there a window from the basement door that you could only watch them from? Or maybe it was the smell of the eggs that drew you?
Comment Written 14-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2023
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Following my email, thank you very much for your fine review. I appreciate it so much hope you having a great day!
Comment from Kerry L Batchelder
I certainly hope this is not a true story as no child should ever have to go through a nightmare like this. I was riveted at the horror of it all as I could not stop reading. Poignant, painful and disturbing, yet well written in a pouring out of soulful memories.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2023
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I certainly hope this is not a true story as no child should ever have to go through a nightmare like this. I was riveted at the horror of it all as I could not stop reading. Poignant, painful and disturbing, yet well written in a pouring out of soulful memories.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2023
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It's my auto bio called Ghost. 56 chapters so far. You are welcome to read any time you wish.
Healthy people, but that is not the world we live in. It's like life says life Is is unfair get used to it. Thank you so much for reading along. Thank you for your comments and your compassion. Also, thank you for your review and rating. I appreciate it so very much!
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
It is amazing that you aren't a raving lunatic.
or a "Serial Killer". If you are a secret "Serial Killer"' You only kills abusers, just send me your address, And I'll send you a box of miss-matched steak knives. from the thrift store(so that tracing them would be problamatic). Good Work. Karen
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2023
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It is amazing that you aren't a raving lunatic.
or a "Serial Killer". If you are a secret "Serial Killer"' You only kills abusers, just send me your address, And I'll send you a box of miss-matched steak knives. from the thrift store(so that tracing them would be problamatic). Good Work. Karen
Comment Written 13-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2023
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Haha yes absolutely thank you! Yes sometimes I wonder but I was given some brains And was able to circumvent a few things and then pluck up some courage to get the out. Thank you Karen for reading. I really appreciate the rest of this story is in my portfolio. It's a autobio called ghost. You're welcome to read it anytime you wish I thank you again for your review and for your time and your great comments. Believe me, all of them have gone through my mind. Have a great night. Thanks again!
Comment from Alexandra Trovato
How did this not win the first book chapter contest? Now I don't feel bad that my bio story first and only chapter didn't win. If this one didn't win, it was upside down.
You started this story unbelievably vulnerable but as you wrote it, you changed to a super hero. I have some time to read early this morning so I wanted to catch myself up. I didn't realize the chapters went back so far. This is good for you! You are expressing what you remember and I hope once it's all out it will stay out and let you be! I'm so sorry this is how you began your precious life.
Love,
Alexandra
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2023
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How did this not win the first book chapter contest? Now I don't feel bad that my bio story first and only chapter didn't win. If this one didn't win, it was upside down.
You started this story unbelievably vulnerable but as you wrote it, you changed to a super hero. I have some time to read early this morning so I wanted to catch myself up. I didn't realize the chapters went back so far. This is good for you! You are expressing what you remember and I hope once it's all out it will stay out and let you be! I'm so sorry this is how you began your precious life.
Love,
Alexandra
Comment Written 12-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2023
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Thank you again my friend I appreciate you and this so very much!
Comment from L. Kalere
My God, this is heartbreaking. I saw a couple of your later chapters and became intrigued by how candid and honest you are, and decided to start at the beginning. It looks like it's going to be difficult to read, but isn't that the least we can do after what you've gone through? You need to be heard and validated. I probably won't review every chapter, but will try to read it from beginning to end. How can I wish you luck or best wishes...you needed that many years ago.
Linda
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2023
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My God, this is heartbreaking. I saw a couple of your later chapters and became intrigued by how candid and honest you are, and decided to start at the beginning. It looks like it's going to be difficult to read, but isn't that the least we can do after what you've gone through? You need to be heard and validated. I probably won't review every chapter, but will try to read it from beginning to end. How can I wish you luck or best wishes...you needed that many years ago.
Linda
Comment Written 07-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2023
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Thank you again Linda! I so appreciate this I really do. Support and people like yourself. Commending have helped me greatly. The writing and it's in and of itself is helpful too. Thank you again my friend I hope you have the best day!
Comment from BermyBye50
Lea,
This first chapter of your book was heart wrenching to read. I have never heard such a story and am overwhelmingly saddened by the how early in life you were ignored and abandoned as a child. It must have been torturous for you to decide to write your life story and to share it hear on Fanstory. I don't know that I could have set there in front on the computer and have the courage to type the first word of such a traumatic experience beginning at age three years old.
I admire your strength to let go of your past through the medium of the written word. My life story is one far different from what you had to go through.
Your are a woman of tremendous fortitude to begin this journey of putting you memories and thoughts to paper in order to let go of your past.
Eugene
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2023
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Lea,
This first chapter of your book was heart wrenching to read. I have never heard such a story and am overwhelmingly saddened by the how early in life you were ignored and abandoned as a child. It must have been torturous for you to decide to write your life story and to share it hear on Fanstory. I don't know that I could have set there in front on the computer and have the courage to type the first word of such a traumatic experience beginning at age three years old.
I admire your strength to let go of your past through the medium of the written word. My life story is one far different from what you had to go through.
Your are a woman of tremendous fortitude to begin this journey of putting you memories and thoughts to paper in order to let go of your past.
Eugene
Comment Written 04-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2023
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That was amazing, thank you, Eugene what a wonderful review. I appreciate this very much, very kind. Very thoughtful indeed, thank you again.!
