Lessons Learned and Spiritual
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Jealousy is Many Words"Do good and feel good poems
39 total reviews
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this writing prompt entry with us. Yes, jealousy is a horrible thing, and we should not fall into that trap.
I am NOT a poet but felt "The person who you envy, may be worse off than you are" & "Instead of wanting what she has, you may find a star" are a forced rhyme because when I read the first line, I stop at you and don't feel the 'are' is needed. I know it's there to rhyme with 'star'. I may just be me.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2023
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Thank you for sharing this writing prompt entry with us. Yes, jealousy is a horrible thing, and we should not fall into that trap.
I am NOT a poet but felt "The person who you envy, may be worse off than you are" & "Instead of wanting what she has, you may find a star" are a forced rhyme because when I read the first line, I stop at you and don't feel the 'are' is needed. I know it's there to rhyme with 'star'. I may just be me.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2023
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Barb, you are a genius. I never liked that part and haven't felt that, YES feeling. But you putting it in my head of leaving are out, made me change that around, and get an even better point across. Thank you so much.
I know you didn't mention the rest, but I hope the other parts were fine with you. Please read again and tell me tho, if you like what I did with the last Stanza. Thank you again!
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I think it's perfect now. Wonderful job.
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Oh thank you so much. You may not be a poet but you know writing and if something is off or not.. I felt it, but after hours of looking at something you don't get the gift of coming back to it over and over in these prompts to fix those mistakes, so your knowledge was priceless to me. By the time my objectivity came back, it would have been too late, which is why feedback is awesome. Thanks again!!
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Oh thank you so much. You may not be a poet but you know writing and if something is off or not.. I felt it, but after hours of looking at something you don't get the gift of coming back to it over and over in these prompts to fix those mistakes, so your knowledge was priceless to me. By the time my objectivity came back, it would have been too late, which is why feedback is awesome. Thanks again!!
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The reason on I post on FanStory is to get feedback. Most of it is very valuable. Thank you.
Comment from Eleri
This poem portrays the cons of jealousy well and I love the last line. The rhyming is good throughout but I personally find the rhythm a bit choppy in places. Your idea of using 13/10 syllables in alternate lines is good but some of the lines read better than others to me, ie 'Be careful with the message that you send' is fine as is 'The person who you envy maybe worse off than you are'. However, 'Instead of wanting what she has you may find a star' feels to be missing something to me. That is only a very personal opinion and is not meant as a criticism as I do like this poem so good luck with it
Eleri
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2023
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This poem portrays the cons of jealousy well and I love the last line. The rhyming is good throughout but I personally find the rhythm a bit choppy in places. Your idea of using 13/10 syllables in alternate lines is good but some of the lines read better than others to me, ie 'Be careful with the message that you send' is fine as is 'The person who you envy maybe worse off than you are'. However, 'Instead of wanting what she has you may find a star' feels to be missing something to me. That is only a very personal opinion and is not meant as a criticism as I do like this poem so good luck with it
Eleri
Comment Written 11-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2023
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No, you are absolutely right. And I am feeling the same thing about that line. I wanted to get my point across of instead of wanting what she has, you may find a shining star. However too many syllables. I love when someone tells me that it doesn't work, lol, then I can quit trying to fool myself. Jk, I know now that I have to change it so bless you for this priceless review and thank you for all the kind words you had for it. It will be changed in the next 15 minutes.
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You are welcome and I'm glad I helped.
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If you have a chance Eleri, I would love to know what you think of what I have done with the stanza
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And thank you again!!
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I think that reads a lot better.
Comment from Jesse James Doty
You make some excellent points. And to bring the message home you give a great example with Lee who has been harassed by a coworker and then turns her hatred inward and starts to act unkind when she has been so kind for so long. This works well with the idea that jealousy always starts the wrong way and ends up smacking you in the face!
Jesse
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2023
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You make some excellent points. And to bring the message home you give a great example with Lee who has been harassed by a coworker and then turns her hatred inward and starts to act unkind when she has been so kind for so long. This works well with the idea that jealousy always starts the wrong way and ends up smacking you in the face!
Jesse
Comment Written 11-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2023
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Jesse,I thank you very much,! Like I so often do, I didn't get it exactly how I wanted it until a couple hours ago, but I do appreciate your kind comment my dear friend.
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Editing after you post something is always a bit sketchy. I try not to do too much of it myself.
Have a great weekend!
Jesse
Comment from dragonpoet
This poem flows well with unforced rhyme. It reminds how hurtful envy and jealousy are to both the one following the emotion and the victim.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Joan
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2023
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This poem flows well with unforced rhyme. It reminds how hurtful envy and jealousy are to both the one following the emotion and the victim.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Joan
Comment Written 11-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2023
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Hi Joan, I thank you very much,! Like I so often do, I didn't get it exactly how I wanted it until a couple hours ago, but I do appreciate your kind comment my dear friend.
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Don't mention it.
Joan
Comment from Terry Broxson
You have written a very insightful poem that describes the many faces of jealousy. I think it is a good entry for this contest, good luck. The picture of the two girls is a great illustration for the poem. The message at the end is excellent. Terry.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2023
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You have written a very insightful poem that describes the many faces of jealousy. I think it is a good entry for this contest, good luck. The picture of the two girls is a great illustration for the poem. The message at the end is excellent. Terry.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2023
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I thank you very much, Terry! Like I so often do, I didn't get it exactly how I wanted it until a couple hours ago, but I do appreciate your kind comment my dear friend.
Comment from Kaiku
Too bad there is heartlessness and jealousy.
Take a look at your 4th line in stanza 2, it comes across as a different type face. The overall type face for this poem I find hard to read especially when single spaced. Good luck in the prompt.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2023
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Too bad there is heartlessness and jealousy.
Take a look at your 4th line in stanza 2, it comes across as a different type face. The overall type face for this poem I find hard to read especially when single spaced. Good luck in the prompt.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2023
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Hello my sweet friend, as I so often find that I find so many things that need changing after I post. So by a few hours ago I had all my changes made.and hope it looks better. I actually took out the word face all together. But I thank you your awesome feedback and comments Kaiku.
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👍
Comment from jmdg1954
You told a great story with regards to jealousy and how it's vindictive in nature and can hurt someone deeply. Especially if it's rumor motivated.
Best of luck in the contest.
John
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2023
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You told a great story with regards to jealousy and how it's vindictive in nature and can hurt someone deeply. Especially if it's rumor motivated.
Best of luck in the contest.
John
Comment Written 11-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2023
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I thank you very much, John! Like I so often do, I didn't get it exactly how I wanted it until a couple hours ago, but I do appreciate your kind comment my dear friend.
Comment from Bill Schott
This poem, Jealousy is Many Words, presented with four ABAB-rhymed quatrains, and reminds the readers that the worst-case scenario we transpose on others is likely our own.
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reply by the author on 12-Feb-2023
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This poem, Jealousy is Many Words, presented with four ABAB-rhymed quatrains, and reminds the readers that the worst-case scenario we transpose on others is likely our own.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2023
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I thank you very much, Bill! Like I so often do, I didn't get it exactly how I wanted it until a couple hours ago, but I do appreciate your kind comment my dear friend.
Comment from Ricky1024
"Jealousy in Many Words" was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and Flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
Good luck with your contest entry and have a blessed day.
Doctor Ricky
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2023
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"Jealousy in Many Words" was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and Flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
Good luck with your contest entry and have a blessed day.
Doctor Ricky
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2023
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Ricky, I thank you so much for your kind comments and your nice review for this poem. We should all be thankful for what God has given us and not be jealous of what somebody else has or what they're doing. Thank you again, my dear friend!
