Trap in a prison
Trap unsure where or how he got there28 total reviews
Comment from susand3022
Grace! That was a different sort of viewpoint. The story of conception as a prison sentence. The ultimate responsibility. Your children are your prison. From the time you are conceived your parents will be all up in your business and you'll feel as if you're in prison for the rest of your life! LOL
You're funny
Susan :)
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
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Grace! That was a different sort of viewpoint. The story of conception as a prison sentence. The ultimate responsibility. Your children are your prison. From the time you are conceived your parents will be all up in your business and you'll feel as if you're in prison for the rest of your life! LOL
You're funny
Susan :)
Comment Written 19-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
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So glad you saw that, lol, I started this as a character trapped before becoming an alien, as I write sci fi. then it turned out like this, lol thank you
Comment from Jay Squires
Wow! I'll tell you this, Wierdgrace, I was captivated from the start and, despite the few detours of distraction, owing in part to poor editing, I was pulled right along to the end. It was quite an imaginative journey. Here are some of my thoughts:
grey mist, like thick fog. [I think what you want is "grey mist-like, thick fog"]
As he arouses in the dream state, it felt as though the object which was his feet was wrapped around his stomach. [Rethink the use of "arouses" it is in the present tense and everything else is in the past tense]
and then he would stretch again and move warm walls of his prison. [... and move THE (?) warm walls ...]
he could feel a crack in the wall of his prison. [And as Beevis would say, "heh-heh, he said crack."]
Overall, a very enjoyable read.
Jay
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
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Wow! I'll tell you this, Wierdgrace, I was captivated from the start and, despite the few detours of distraction, owing in part to poor editing, I was pulled right along to the end. It was quite an imaginative journey. Here are some of my thoughts:
grey mist, like thick fog. [I think what you want is "grey mist-like, thick fog"]
As he arouses in the dream state, it felt as though the object which was his feet was wrapped around his stomach. [Rethink the use of "arouses" it is in the present tense and everything else is in the past tense]
and then he would stretch again and move warm walls of his prison. [... and move THE (?) warm walls ...]
he could feel a crack in the wall of his prison. [And as Beevis would say, "heh-heh, he said crack."]
Overall, a very enjoyable read.
Jay
Comment Written 19-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
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thank you so much, I am going in for the edit.... thank you for your help too
Comment from Malcolm Rothery
There is a really good story hiding here but it needs some help to get out.
I found quite a few problems with punctuation, the use of wrong words and consistency. I could not see how a mist could also be a thick fog and a wall of fog and still allow light to shine through. The amber light then became yellow.
In paragraph 3 'It was like a giant magnet pulling the form towards it.' should say ...pulling his form toward it.....?'
The line '...he could feel goose pimples arise all over him.' just feels wrong.
I think with a thorough rewrite this could be greatly improved. Stick with it, the idea is good.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2022
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There is a really good story hiding here but it needs some help to get out.
I found quite a few problems with punctuation, the use of wrong words and consistency. I could not see how a mist could also be a thick fog and a wall of fog and still allow light to shine through. The amber light then became yellow.
In paragraph 3 'It was like a giant magnet pulling the form towards it.' should say ...pulling his form toward it.....?'
The line '...he could feel goose pimples arise all over him.' just feels wrong.
I think with a thorough rewrite this could be greatly improved. Stick with it, the idea is good.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2022
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thank you so much for all your comments, I will reread and edit, thank you again
Comment from Elviss
This was such a good read. It had me at the edge of my seat as I couldn't quite put a finger on what was happening. I liked how the perspective momentarily shifted between the narrating and the character's own confused thoughts. The ending was also well written, perhaps paving way for a part 2(I hope so).
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2022
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This was such a good read. It had me at the edge of my seat as I couldn't quite put a finger on what was happening. I liked how the perspective momentarily shifted between the narrating and the character's own confused thoughts. The ending was also well written, perhaps paving way for a part 2(I hope so).
Comment Written 17-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2022
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already working on part two, this is a followup for part two on my new book Myhanas challenges on Earth 7 that was just released, than you for your input
Comment from Zue65
Oh my, I almost thought this is a scifi plot story, only to realize that it is the life of a newly born baby told in the eyes of the baby being delivered by the mother through the help of the doctors in the hospital ward. I enjoy the wit and humor of the author and how she excellently builds up tension in this story. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2022
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Oh my, I almost thought this is a scifi plot story, only to realize that it is the life of a newly born baby told in the eyes of the baby being delivered by the mother through the help of the doctors in the hospital ward. I enjoy the wit and humor of the author and how she excellently builds up tension in this story. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2022
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I am so glad you enjoyed, this started as an alien baby being hatch...part two of Mahana's challenges in Earth 7, but I ended it the way for the fun of it. thank you
Comment from John Ciarmello
I thoroughly enjoyed the birth of this baby! What a great idea to write about. I didn't realize what I was encountering until mid-way through. It was totally abstract in presentation, and I looked for even more of the innocence and unknowingness of the baby inside the womb. A great piece and so well written! Best, JohnC
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
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I thoroughly enjoyed the birth of this baby! What a great idea to write about. I didn't realize what I was encountering until mid-way through. It was totally abstract in presentation, and I looked for even more of the innocence and unknowingness of the baby inside the womb. A great piece and so well written! Best, JohnC
Comment Written 16-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
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thank you so much your comments are so welcome
Comment from nomi338
And thus man enters the world. This account was detailed that it makes one wonder, were you there. did this happen to you, Was this your own personal journey. Although I know that this is how I myself entered the world, I do not remember any of it. I guess I was in a way out of it. LOL. This is a great story. I do believe that you could describe the miracle of birth to a child using a story like this. It might very well do much to help a child understand, If presented at a time when they could comprehend of course.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
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And thus man enters the world. This account was detailed that it makes one wonder, were you there. did this happen to you, Was this your own personal journey. Although I know that this is how I myself entered the world, I do not remember any of it. I guess I was in a way out of it. LOL. This is a great story. I do believe that you could describe the miracle of birth to a child using a story like this. It might very well do much to help a child understand, If presented at a time when they could comprehend of course.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
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thank you very much, this was written to bring a character to life, and and somehow it became fun and remembrance I didn't know I had, thank you for your wonderful review!
Comment from Terry Broxson
You got me. I did finally figure it out close to the end, but it is a well-told fantasy tale. And who is to say? Maybe it's not fantasy. One suggestion and it is only a suggestion. I have been told that when a character is 'thinking,' it is best to italicize the thoughts instead of using quotation marks. It is not really conversation dialogue.
Your baby is thinking, and besides the italicized font looks cool. Good job. Terry.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
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You got me. I did finally figure it out close to the end, but it is a well-told fantasy tale. And who is to say? Maybe it's not fantasy. One suggestion and it is only a suggestion. I have been told that when a character is 'thinking,' it is best to italicize the thoughts instead of using quotation marks. It is not really conversation dialogue.
Your baby is thinking, and besides the italicized font looks cool. Good job. Terry.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
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true, still trying to edit this, creating a character for my next book, and this started out, but I have it in editing soon thank you so so much
Comment from Sanku
I thought it was a nightmare till I came to the end .Simple time honoured (?) process of a child being born _this was an unexpected end. Thanks for posting
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
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I thought it was a nightmare till I came to the end .Simple time honoured (?) process of a child being born _this was an unexpected end. Thanks for posting
Comment Written 16-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
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thank you for reviewing, as I told many, I started this a character for my new book, believe it or not and he is a alien, then I went this way, lol thank you for your review
Comment from Maria Millsaps
He was in the womb and being birth. That's what I got from this reading. The walls of the womb become tighter as the birth process takes place. Very engaging.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
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He was in the womb and being birth. That's what I got from this reading. The walls of the womb become tighter as the birth process takes place. Very engaging.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
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that is what I was going for, believe it or now this was a alien birth, or it started out that way, and ended here, hopefully will be in next book thank you so much
