The Chronicals Of Bethica: The Rise
Viewing comments for Chapter 34 "The Chronicles of Bethica"Abram must defeat a deadly humanoid race of beings
13 total reviews
Comment from Cindy Decker 2
Amahra:
Your fantasy fiction is a fun read with it's great vivid descriptions and fast-moving action.
You paint great images of war scenes, while nicely writing in this literary style.
Great work.
Good luck with all your writing endeavors.
Blessings,
Cindy
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2022
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Amahra:
Your fantasy fiction is a fun read with it's great vivid descriptions and fast-moving action.
You paint great images of war scenes, while nicely writing in this literary style.
Great work.
Good luck with all your writing endeavors.
Blessings,
Cindy
Comment Written 17-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2022
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Thank you so much, Cindy. I really appreciate you. Blessings.
Comment from Mario PIERRE
I like the lord of the rings ' style and the flowing action of the chapter. The characters are very well depicted and we can imagine them in their roles. The only thing I did not see was the emotional part of the story.
Great job!
Mario
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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I like the lord of the rings ' style and the flowing action of the chapter. The characters are very well depicted and we can imagine them in their roles. The only thing I did not see was the emotional part of the story.
Great job!
Mario
Comment Written 11-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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The entire chapter 19 is too long for Fanstory members to read, that's why I cut it into 4 parts. But this chapter has lots of emotions. Having said that, thank you so much for reading and writing this fine review. I'm so pleased you stopped by.
Comment from JoannaN
1) It is a great idea to create a short summary of previous chapters, it makes the story easier to follow.
2) I like the fact that your battle description sounds so professional :)
keep writing.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2022
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1) It is a great idea to create a short summary of previous chapters, it makes the story easier to follow.
2) I like the fact that your battle description sounds so professional :)
keep writing.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2022
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from Douglas Goff
Your pores just drip creativity. What is going on between those ears over there? I suspect a lot of fantastic sparks and explosions.
The flow was smooth and easy reading until I hit this sentence :
Then, go! Let us die if the gods will it so, and
(If the gods so will it)
This would smooth it out. My two cents.
Anyways, great work. I really enjoyed this! Your brain is a juicy treasure!
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2022
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Your pores just drip creativity. What is going on between those ears over there? I suspect a lot of fantastic sparks and explosions.
The flow was smooth and easy reading until I hit this sentence :
Then, go! Let us die if the gods will it so, and
(If the gods so will it)
This would smooth it out. My two cents.
Anyways, great work. I really enjoyed this! Your brain is a juicy treasure!
Comment Written 09-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2022
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Thank you so much for your comments and suggestions. I'm flattered that you like my creative mind. Blessings!
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You are very good!
Comment from Ric Myworld
I always do my best to keep one of those chartreuse plus signs whenever possible, but you slipped this one in on me unexpectedly, and darn it, it's up their on the top tier as always. It's still a six in my mind! Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2022
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I always do my best to keep one of those chartreuse plus signs whenever possible, but you slipped this one in on me unexpectedly, and darn it, it's up their on the top tier as always. It's still a six in my mind! Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2022
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I'm glad just to have one of your reviews. Thanks, Ric. Always a pleasure hearing from you.
Comment from Judy Lawless
Wow, this one almost needs a warning about violence, amahra! There is a lot of action in this battle and you've done a marvelous job of portraying it. Then you left us hanging, still holding our breath! lol Well done. Sorry I don't have any sixes left.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2022
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Wow, this one almost needs a warning about violence, amahra! There is a lot of action in this battle and you've done a marvelous job of portraying it. Then you left us hanging, still holding our breath! lol Well done. Sorry I don't have any sixes left.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2022
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Thank you, Judy, for this review. But it has a warning for violence. Did you miss it?
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Ha, I guess I did! You?re welcome, Amahra.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is certainly a dramatic battle, and like all good battles when you are in the thick of them, confusing and unclear who is winning. I loved the way at the end the leaders decided to end it arbitrarily. It made me think of a game of chess. However, I feel you overplayed your hand a bit in the vocabulary, particularly the strength of the verbs and emotions used. Sometimes it seemed over-embelished, and at other moments weak. If it were me, I would rest it for a couple of days then revise carefully for strength of language used. Kate xx
Oddities (to me)
The orange sun spread > so the actual sun lay down and spread out? or maybe light from the sun. Also I like bathed rather than spread (more poetic, and removes the need for the adverb)
swept his eyes > again I don't think it was actually his eyes that popped out of his body. Maybe his gaze that he directed in different directions
land?!" > strange punctuation use (you have several other vagaries of puntuation)
the staff winds > I'm not familiar with this term
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2022
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This is certainly a dramatic battle, and like all good battles when you are in the thick of them, confusing and unclear who is winning. I loved the way at the end the leaders decided to end it arbitrarily. It made me think of a game of chess. However, I feel you overplayed your hand a bit in the vocabulary, particularly the strength of the verbs and emotions used. Sometimes it seemed over-embelished, and at other moments weak. If it were me, I would rest it for a couple of days then revise carefully for strength of language used. Kate xx
Oddities (to me)
The orange sun spread > so the actual sun lay down and spread out? or maybe light from the sun. Also I like bathed rather than spread (more poetic, and removes the need for the adverb)
swept his eyes > again I don't think it was actually his eyes that popped out of his body. Maybe his gaze that he directed in different directions
land?!" > strange punctuation use (you have several other vagaries of puntuation)
the staff winds > I'm not familiar with this term
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2022
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Apparently, you are unfamiliar with figures of speech, such as metaphors and similes that enhance creative writing for generations. Perhaps, non-fiction is more to your reading taste. Nonetheless, thank you for your review.
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No. I am above all a reader, writer and beta reader for fictional works, but I do have a reputation for pushing my writers to their limits. Sorry if my abruptness misled you. K
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Great ending to this post. This is very well written, and the description of the battle was very good. Great job, it was worth waiting for. LOL Thank you for sharing this with us. I can't wait for more.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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Great ending to this post. This is very well written, and the description of the battle was very good. Great job, it was worth waiting for. LOL Thank you for sharing this with us. I can't wait for more.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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Thank you, Barbara. I'm glad you liked it.
Comment from Jay Squires
Wow! This was worth the wait, Amahra! What I like so much about your battle scenes is that they are so Homerian in scope. However outnumbered and seemingly vulnerable one side is, there is an ebb and flow of victory and defeat on both sides. It's impossible for the reader to know who will win -- who will lose. And, of course, you brought us to a beautiful cliffhanger of an ending to Part III.
Allow me to share a few observations I made as I read.
though much too far for the enemy to hear. [You might want to study this sentence, Amahra. It's subtle, but is it the distance the shout would carry, or the distance away from him that the enemy was? I think I would say something like, "They were much to far away for the enemy to hear."]
"Then, go! Let us die if the gods will it so, and send those bloody black-hearts [" ... Let us die if the gods will it so {as long as we}? send those bloody black-hearts ..." To me it just seems that if the gods will them to die, then the enemy WON'T be sent back ...]
the Bohaus were no match for the Aenwyns, who could shoot the horns off a fleeing buck and not break the rhythm of its speed. [Wow! I like that!]
and at the end of their expenditures were split pointy hooves. [Did you mean "expenditures" or "extremities"?]
After all that sweating, I need to shower.
Jay
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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Wow! This was worth the wait, Amahra! What I like so much about your battle scenes is that they are so Homerian in scope. However outnumbered and seemingly vulnerable one side is, there is an ebb and flow of victory and defeat on both sides. It's impossible for the reader to know who will win -- who will lose. And, of course, you brought us to a beautiful cliffhanger of an ending to Part III.
Allow me to share a few observations I made as I read.
though much too far for the enemy to hear. [You might want to study this sentence, Amahra. It's subtle, but is it the distance the shout would carry, or the distance away from him that the enemy was? I think I would say something like, "They were much to far away for the enemy to hear."]
"Then, go! Let us die if the gods will it so, and send those bloody black-hearts [" ... Let us die if the gods will it so {as long as we}? send those bloody black-hearts ..." To me it just seems that if the gods will them to die, then the enemy WON'T be sent back ...]
the Bohaus were no match for the Aenwyns, who could shoot the horns off a fleeing buck and not break the rhythm of its speed. [Wow! I like that!]
and at the end of their expenditures were split pointy hooves. [Did you mean "expenditures" or "extremities"?]
After all that sweating, I need to shower.
Jay
Comment Written 07-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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Thank you, Jay. LOL! You're right it is extremities.
I'll revisit that dialogue, but [as long as we] hm... sounds a little too modern. And I'm trying to keep the speech ancient while making it clear to the modern reader whenever I can.
"--though much too far for the enemy to hear." Don't quite see the problem with that, but I'm slow and it will probably hit me before the post-time ends. LOL!
Thanks, buddy, always a pleasure receiving your reviews.
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That part about the distance of the shout IS subtle, and probably not worth the effort.
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No, actually, I read it again and decided that line about the distance wasn't even necessary. I deleted it. In the 2nd paragraph, I changed "national" army to Bethican army because national sounded too modern. "...if the gods will it so" is an ancient line I really like. I'll see if I can make it more clear while keeping that line. That will be decided before it goes to the narrator. Thank you for pointing things out. I always consider your concerns.
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I've always known you take a mature approach to criticism of your writing. And I understand and appreciate the depth from which your creativity bubbles up.
Comment from Shirley McLain
This chapter deserves a six just for the war action alone, but I don't have one to give you. It was intense, but I have to admit it's hard to follow sometimes for me, trying to remember who were the good guys. You did a great job. Have a wonderful afternoon. Shirley
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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This chapter deserves a six just for the war action alone, but I don't have one to give you. It was intense, but I have to admit it's hard to follow sometimes for me, trying to remember who were the good guys. You did a great job. Have a wonderful afternoon. Shirley
Comment Written 07-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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Thank you so much. The five stars are most appreciated. I knew if I posted today, most sixes would be spent. But I wanted to get this up. I really appreciate your review, Shirley.