The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "A Lesson Before the Duel"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
5 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
I really liked the scene between Roshanak and Ilati. It's such a tender moment between them.
Suggestions to consider:
There are many extraneous 'that's in this chapter, but there are also many 'that's used correctly. Maybe switch some of those that's to other words?
'She was (already) eating normally again, though Eigou had been very insistent (that) she eat plenty of meat.' In these two paragraphs you say 'already' a few times. I suggest you delete one or two of them. Also, delete 'that'.
'There is a task waiting at Sa Dul, one (that) I do not think any other could accomplish... ' Delete 'that'.
'She was still anything but recovered, even with how well she was healing.' I think this sentence is a little awkward.
'Her draw on the bow was as it had once been, but walking and even riding was painful.' Maybe the second part of the sentence, 'though walking and riding were still painful.'
'He said (that) it came upon one of his guards at night in the street... ' Delete 'that'.
'It is well known (that) a normal weapon cannot slay a demon... ' Delete 'that'.
'... something (that) not (even) every demon could say.' Delete 'that' and 'even'.
'I cannot even hit what I aim (that) bow at half the time.' Maybe switch 'that' to 'my'?
'She kept it at her side always, like a proper Sut Resi warrior (even) though she made no claim to be one.' Delete 'even'.
'His smile faded into the impassivity of the desert, (that) blankness of expression (that) Ilati most associated with the inscrutable Eigou who vexed her with lessons.' Maybe change the first 'that' to 'a' and delete the second one.
'Ilati took a deep breath, realizing (that) her hand was clenching the bow.' Delete 'that'.
'... such as when she told him (that) she had cried her last tears into the river he had saved her from.' Delete 'that'.
Again, your story telling shines through in this chapter. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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I really liked the scene between Roshanak and Ilati. It's such a tender moment between them.
Suggestions to consider:
There are many extraneous 'that's in this chapter, but there are also many 'that's used correctly. Maybe switch some of those that's to other words?
'She was (already) eating normally again, though Eigou had been very insistent (that) she eat plenty of meat.' In these two paragraphs you say 'already' a few times. I suggest you delete one or two of them. Also, delete 'that'.
'There is a task waiting at Sa Dul, one (that) I do not think any other could accomplish... ' Delete 'that'.
'She was still anything but recovered, even with how well she was healing.' I think this sentence is a little awkward.
'Her draw on the bow was as it had once been, but walking and even riding was painful.' Maybe the second part of the sentence, 'though walking and riding were still painful.'
'He said (that) it came upon one of his guards at night in the street... ' Delete 'that'.
'It is well known (that) a normal weapon cannot slay a demon... ' Delete 'that'.
'... something (that) not (even) every demon could say.' Delete 'that' and 'even'.
'I cannot even hit what I aim (that) bow at half the time.' Maybe switch 'that' to 'my'?
'She kept it at her side always, like a proper Sut Resi warrior (even) though she made no claim to be one.' Delete 'even'.
'His smile faded into the impassivity of the desert, (that) blankness of expression (that) Ilati most associated with the inscrutable Eigou who vexed her with lessons.' Maybe change the first 'that' to 'a' and delete the second one.
'Ilati took a deep breath, realizing (that) her hand was clenching the bow.' Delete 'that'.
'... such as when she told him (that) she had cried her last tears into the river he had saved her from.' Delete 'that'.
Again, your story telling shines through in this chapter. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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I?ll definitely need to go through and weed a few times, I think. Thank you for the suggestions! I will take them to heart.
Comment from royowen
I like the mysticism in your piece, although in reality there are some connections with "gods" in our world but I'm not sure they're beneficial, but there's nothing wrong with the fictional application of them. I enjoyed all the movie extravaganzas of the fifties and sixties, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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I like the mysticism in your piece, although in reality there are some connections with "gods" in our world but I'm not sure they're beneficial, but there's nothing wrong with the fictional application of them. I enjoyed all the movie extravaganzas of the fifties and sixties, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 26-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I know it doesn't jibe with a more modern view of gods, but Eigou has an interesting history with them that colors his view...as does Ilati. I really appreciate your time and I hope you have a wonderful day.
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I think that?s good.
Comment from Douglas Goff
This story is very good and interesting and the characters are well developed. If your goal is to publish it you will have to tighten up the structure.
You have several paragraphs that are 80 to a hundred words. One is 154 word with three dialogue strings in it. To be grammatically correct you would need to break these big suckers up to keep your readers engaged. One rule is to start a new paragraph each time a new person speaks. Also if same person speaks several times, but there is description between declarations then start a new paragraph.
Good news is that your content is spectacular, just structure issues. You can fix structure, if your content sucked then I wouldn't have bothered writing this.
This is my second read of this adventure. Your story is really good. Tighten it up and my personal opinion is that you have something marketable here.
Keep up the good work!
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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This story is very good and interesting and the characters are well developed. If your goal is to publish it you will have to tighten up the structure.
You have several paragraphs that are 80 to a hundred words. One is 154 word with three dialogue strings in it. To be grammatically correct you would need to break these big suckers up to keep your readers engaged. One rule is to start a new paragraph each time a new person speaks. Also if same person speaks several times, but there is description between declarations then start a new paragraph.
Good news is that your content is spectacular, just structure issues. You can fix structure, if your content sucked then I wouldn't have bothered writing this.
This is my second read of this adventure. Your story is really good. Tighten it up and my personal opinion is that you have something marketable here.
Keep up the good work!
Comment Written 26-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. This is basically the first draft looking for feedback, so I absolutely intend to tighten it up. I really appreciate your time and effort in sifting through it. I hope you have a wonderful day.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Another excellent chapter preparing for the fight between Ilati and the monster. I'm eager to read the next chapter. Have a great night. Shirley
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2022
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Another excellent chapter preparing for the fight between Ilati and the monster. I'm eager to read the next chapter. Have a great night. Shirley
Comment Written 23-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I'm glad the chapter came out well. Hopefully the momentum will stay for the fight. I appreciate your time and kindness, and I hope you have a wonderful evening.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Very nicely done. This is a wonderfully crafted story. It easily held my interest and I thought you did a great job developing the story. Wonderful and interesting characters help. Very creative.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2022
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Very nicely done. This is a wonderfully crafted story. It easily held my interest and I thought you did a great job developing the story. Wonderful and interesting characters help. Very creative.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate it and your time. I hope you have a wonderful evening.
