The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "A Lethal Sting"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
3 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
Another captivating chapter with some excellent descriptive language:
'Great columns of orange flames roared around the edge of the Sut Resi camp, curling and sweeping along like the speeding of some giant snake's coils.' Amazing opening line!
'Through the lesser flames came a surging figure on horseback from the center of the camp, riding with the fury and power of a raging god.' Wow! Such a vivid image.
'Ilati felt a crackle of connection as she touched the horse and the weight of the gods' eyes bearing down on her with a fated gaze'. I can feel the electricity in that 'crackle of connection.'
'The question seemed light as a feather, but Ilati felt a tension in it, like a snake coiled for a strike.' An amazing line.
"Like all stories, it is (a) fire's shadows dancing on a cave wall. The one who perceives those umbral figures judges for themselves what is true and what is invention." Wonderful imagery with relevance for today. Maybe delete 'a' to keep agreement?
Suggestions to consider:
"Nadaren came upon me at your dried up well." I believe dried-up should be hyphenated.
'It was only then (that) he realized the nature of the creature, not so different from his own.' Usually in dialogue, I don't suggest removing 'that', but it's Eigou speaking. His speech pattern tends to be more formal, so I suggest deleting it.
I know I keep saying it, but you are a master weaver of those explanatory elements. You unfold them to the reader in such a natural way. Again, I wish I could give you a six for each of your chapters.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
  |
Another captivating chapter with some excellent descriptive language:
'Great columns of orange flames roared around the edge of the Sut Resi camp, curling and sweeping along like the speeding of some giant snake's coils.' Amazing opening line!
'Through the lesser flames came a surging figure on horseback from the center of the camp, riding with the fury and power of a raging god.' Wow! Such a vivid image.
'Ilati felt a crackle of connection as she touched the horse and the weight of the gods' eyes bearing down on her with a fated gaze'. I can feel the electricity in that 'crackle of connection.'
'The question seemed light as a feather, but Ilati felt a tension in it, like a snake coiled for a strike.' An amazing line.
"Like all stories, it is (a) fire's shadows dancing on a cave wall. The one who perceives those umbral figures judges for themselves what is true and what is invention." Wonderful imagery with relevance for today. Maybe delete 'a' to keep agreement?
Suggestions to consider:
"Nadaren came upon me at your dried up well." I believe dried-up should be hyphenated.
'It was only then (that) he realized the nature of the creature, not so different from his own.' Usually in dialogue, I don't suggest removing 'that', but it's Eigou speaking. His speech pattern tends to be more formal, so I suggest deleting it.
I know I keep saying it, but you are a master weaver of those explanatory elements. You unfold them to the reader in such a natural way. Again, I wish I could give you a six for each of your chapters.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
-
Thank you! I?m trying to be good about unraveling things for the reader slowly rather than info-dumping with exposition, but I don?t always know if I?m providing sufficient context. It helps to know it?s at least somewhat balanced.
Comment from prettybluebirds
This is an excellent story. I was hooked from the first word to the last. I read the previous chapter and was hoping more would be coming soon. This chapter did not disappoint me. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2022
 |
This is an excellent story. I was hooked from the first word to the last. I read the previous chapter and was hoping more would be coming soon. This chapter did not disappoint me. Nicely done.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2022
-
Thank you very much! I really appreciate you taking a look at it. I hope you have an awesome day!
Comment from Shirley McLain
If one couldn't tell how Youtab was attached to Ilati, you sure could by reading this chapter. He always pulled her away to save her life. Chapter was full of action, and I enjoyed the read as always. Enjoy your Sunday evening. Shirley
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2022
|
If one couldn't tell how Youtab was attached to Ilati, you sure could by reading this chapter. He always pulled her away to save her life. Chapter was full of action, and I enjoyed the read as always. Enjoy your Sunday evening. Shirley
Comment Written 21-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2022
-
Thank you very much! I?m glad it was enjoyable, and I appreciate your time. I hope you have an awesome day!
