The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "The Well of the Scorpion"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
3 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
Whoa! There was a lot going on in that chapter. The dream conversation with K'adau was well done as was the action sequence. Good variety of verbs.
Suggestions to consider:
'She grabbed the bow and quiver, (even) knowing she had no strength to use them.' Delete 'even'.
'Even with a clear sky above, she felt the roll of thunder in her bones with every syllable.' Maybe, 'Though the skies were clear... '
'Its head swiveled (down) towards her... ' Delete 'down' as it's redundant.
'There was no way on earth that she could fight (with) six Nadaren soldiers.' Delete 'with'.
'Not (even) entirely off his horse, but enough.' Delete 'even'.
'(Even) untrained in the art of war, Ilati knew (that) wisdom was to warn Artakhshathra of the threat.' Switch to 'though' and delete 'that'.
Another well-written chapter though the ending... Now I must know!
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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Whoa! There was a lot going on in that chapter. The dream conversation with K'adau was well done as was the action sequence. Good variety of verbs.
Suggestions to consider:
'She grabbed the bow and quiver, (even) knowing she had no strength to use them.' Delete 'even'.
'Even with a clear sky above, she felt the roll of thunder in her bones with every syllable.' Maybe, 'Though the skies were clear... '
'Its head swiveled (down) towards her... ' Delete 'down' as it's redundant.
'There was no way on earth that she could fight (with) six Nadaren soldiers.' Delete 'with'.
'Not (even) entirely off his horse, but enough.' Delete 'even'.
'(Even) untrained in the art of war, Ilati knew (that) wisdom was to warn Artakhshathra of the threat.' Switch to 'though' and delete 'that'.
Another well-written chapter though the ending... Now I must know!
Comment Written 25-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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There were definitely a lot of moving parts to it. I hope the action was at least clear or mostly clear. I?m going to go back through and trim this weekend when I have some time. Thank you!
Comment from Shirley McLain
What a great chapter to read. I like all the intensity and action. You did a great job as you always do, and I'm eager to find out what happens next with this battle. Shirley
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2022
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What a great chapter to read. I like all the intensity and action. You did a great job as you always do, and I'm eager to find out what happens next with this battle. Shirley
Comment Written 20-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2022
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Thank you very much! I tried really hard on it and I appreciate your time. I hope you have a wonderful day.
Comment from prettybluebirds
You certainly have enough action packed into this chapter. I did enjoy reading your story and look forward to the next chapter. This is the first time I have read any of this novel. It looks to be a good one.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2022
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You certainly have enough action packed into this chapter. I did enjoy reading your story and look forward to the next chapter. This is the first time I have read any of this novel. It looks to be a good one.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate it. I hope you have a wonderful day.
