Drowned World
Aliens encounter human invaders18 total reviews
Comment from Michaela Moore
Creepily wonderful! The ending was the best. My favorite part about your story is the way you make us think that the human-alien is stupid and the Phayron's people are the wise ones. That they are so superior to humans. We do not see the end coming at all, which is the icing on the cake. Your creative mind for fantasy and developing a full world and character unlike reality is excellent! Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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Creepily wonderful! The ending was the best. My favorite part about your story is the way you make us think that the human-alien is stupid and the Phayron's people are the wise ones. That they are so superior to humans. We do not see the end coming at all, which is the icing on the cake. Your creative mind for fantasy and developing a full world and character unlike reality is excellent! Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 30-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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Thank you! I'm so glad you liked it :-). I had one core thought in my head - that there would be no clear communication between species, and as such, how might one view another? I also wondered how an entity that had never experienced war-like violence might respond to the new sensations of its frie d being killed. This was interesting to write.
Comment from lyenochka
Well, it seems like the alien are doomed. Humanoids have overpopulated their planet and have decided to take over theirs. Seems like even after being cut up the one "barran" had a sense of conquering the alien who observed him. Good commentary on human behavior even showing how the tendency for violent emotion is contagious to these aliens. Best wishes in the contest!
Comments:
like cattle watches the farmer, (watch) cattle is a plural noun
The barren jumped to its feet, (the other times you used this adjective it was spelled "barran." ) I also wonder since it's a species name, should it be capitalized?
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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Well, it seems like the alien are doomed. Humanoids have overpopulated their planet and have decided to take over theirs. Seems like even after being cut up the one "barran" had a sense of conquering the alien who observed him. Good commentary on human behavior even showing how the tendency for violent emotion is contagious to these aliens. Best wishes in the contest!
Comments:
like cattle watches the farmer, (watch) cattle is a plural noun
The barren jumped to its feet, (the other times you used this adjective it was spelled "barran." ) I also wonder since it's a species name, should it be capitalized?
Comment Written 30-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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Thank you :-). All good suggestions, and duly worked-upon. This was interesting to write!
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is a very well-told tale that held my attention from the second sentence on. I didn't even notice if there were any errors. The first sentence mentioning cattle and farmers threw me as I thought of land-based aliens. I was surprised to realize they were water dwellers. You could simply call them herd animals and tenders (although do they need herds as it sounds as if all their nourishment comes from the water?) Best of luck in the alien invasion contest.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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This is a very well-told tale that held my attention from the second sentence on. I didn't even notice if there were any errors. The first sentence mentioning cattle and farmers threw me as I thought of land-based aliens. I was surprised to realize they were water dwellers. You could simply call them herd animals and tenders (although do they need herds as it sounds as if all their nourishment comes from the water?) Best of luck in the alien invasion contest.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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Thank you, Carol :-). That first line definitely needed to be tweaked, so thank you for giving me the push. This was slow going but interesting to write.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
you did a great job with this piece.
the perspective is held well and the conclusions of earthlings bringing about an un-experienced emotion from the indigenous beings is disturbing but probably spot on.
Good stuff.
G
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2022
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Hi there,
you did a great job with this piece.
the perspective is held well and the conclusions of earthlings bringing about an un-experienced emotion from the indigenous beings is disturbing but probably spot on.
Good stuff.
G
Comment Written 29-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2022
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Thank you! I'm really glad you liked it, and thanks for the contest prompt - I'm a little shocked there aren't more entries.
Comment from the13thpoet
Hello fellow writer thank you for sharing your story, I think you executed well within the rules of the writing prompt. It was well-written and engaging, you definitely have a knack for Sci-Fi writing. Good job and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2022
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Hello fellow writer thank you for sharing your story, I think you executed well within the rules of the writing prompt. It was well-written and engaging, you definitely have a knack for Sci-Fi writing. Good job and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2022
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Thanks so much! I'm really glad you liked it :-)
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This was a fantastic read. You pulled me into your world so cleverly, with this total incomprehension of human intelligence and communication mechanisms by the indigenous water-needing creatures. Funny how two similarly composed planets can give rise to such different primary organisms. I particularly liked the way the humans were held by the head, even though the water-needers knew this distressed them. Kate xx
Potential SPAG? also drop into the water > also drop them into the water
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2022
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This was a fantastic read. You pulled me into your world so cleverly, with this total incomprehension of human intelligence and communication mechanisms by the indigenous water-needing creatures. Funny how two similarly composed planets can give rise to such different primary organisms. I particularly liked the way the humans were held by the head, even though the water-needers knew this distressed them. Kate xx
Potential SPAG? also drop into the water > also drop them into the water
Comment Written 29-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2022
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Thanks so much, Kate :-). I wrestled with this one, trying to make sure it stayed interesting but determined to have no detailed communication - only our lead character's attempts while he wrestled with his burgeoning sense of anger - a sensation he's unfamiliar with. You've made my morning!
Comment from jp88
That was a really interesting story, I enjoyed reading it a great deal. You did a fantastic job with the description, and the alien's interaction with the humans, as brutal as it might seem, made perfect sense. Good luck in the contest!
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reply by the author on 29-Jul-2022
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That was a really interesting story, I enjoyed reading it a great deal. You did a fantastic job with the description, and the alien's interaction with the humans, as brutal as it might seem, made perfect sense. Good luck in the contest!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2022
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Thank you :-). I was thinking about how we would probably react to alien visitors, and flipped that for the laboratory scene. I'm so glad you liked it!
Comment from royowen
Very few science fiction stories have the viewpoint from the aliens, or in this case the humans are the aliens, these impudent air breathers. One realises there is no connection point, so how would we greet a completely different social setup, but I fun reading this great story, and I'm sure you had fun writing, beautifully written, blessings Roy
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reply by the author on 29-Jul-2022
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Very few science fiction stories have the viewpoint from the aliens, or in this case the humans are the aliens, these impudent air breathers. One realises there is no connection point, so how would we greet a completely different social setup, but I fun reading this great story, and I'm sure you had fun writing, beautifully written, blessings Roy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2022
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Thank you, Roy :-). I was having trouble thinking of ways to make the alien characters relatable, and I thought the growing sense of anger over the death of a friend gave us that connection.
Mike
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Good job
