My House
The twisty story about a new home that holds secrets.5 total reviews
Comment from Nic
I appreciate what you're trying to do here, and it is a bit of a surprise at the end, but I'm left wondering about the logistics of this. What has now after all this time driven her to murder? Why this specific house? And how does she plan to keep up the charade? I want either more conflict (either pre- or post-murder, chronologically--flashback could maybe help to avoid spoiling the twist) or more character development so that we get a more complete narrative arc.
I do think that you've succeeded in using that broken sentence style to mirror her interior self!
I see this is your first post. I'm new here, too, and still struggling to figure out how this whole thing works. Don't hesitate to reach out if there's other work you want me to look at!
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2022
   |
I appreciate what you're trying to do here, and it is a bit of a surprise at the end, but I'm left wondering about the logistics of this. What has now after all this time driven her to murder? Why this specific house? And how does she plan to keep up the charade? I want either more conflict (either pre- or post-murder, chronologically--flashback could maybe help to avoid spoiling the twist) or more character development so that we get a more complete narrative arc.
I do think that you've succeeded in using that broken sentence style to mirror her interior self!
I see this is your first post. I'm new here, too, and still struggling to figure out how this whole thing works. Don't hesitate to reach out if there's other work you want me to look at!
Comment Written 27-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2022
-
Thank you for your feedback! I totally get what you're saying. Since this is flash fiction I must keep it short, however, as you said, in a longer story there would need to be more explanation.
Comment from Ric Myworld
I thoroughly enjoyed your story and I like the way you broke it up to make it have a bigger punch. Great job! And thank you for sharing. ...................................
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2022
|
I thoroughly enjoyed your story and I like the way you broke it up to make it have a bigger punch. Great job! And thank you for sharing. ...................................
Comment Written 27-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2022
-
Thank you!
Comment from Fleedleflump
When the latex gloves came out, I had an idea where this was heading, but it didn't spoil the fun of the ending. I liked the separated sentences, so I'm glad you explained that they were intentional. I think this is excellent (and by Fanstory standards, a good length).
Some notes below but very minor.
Mike
Spag notes:
'I sat on my bed and sighed, everything is perfect about the house.' This should be two sentences, and 'is' should be 'was'
'However, we've had our arguments.' - 'we've' should be 'we'd'
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
|
When the latex gloves came out, I had an idea where this was heading, but it didn't spoil the fun of the ending. I liked the separated sentences, so I'm glad you explained that they were intentional. I think this is excellent (and by Fanstory standards, a good length).
Some notes below but very minor.
Mike
Spag notes:
'I sat on my bed and sighed, everything is perfect about the house.' This should be two sentences, and 'is' should be 'was'
'However, we've had our arguments.' - 'we've' should be 'we'd'
Comment Written 26-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
-
Thanks so much for your feedback! I'll fix those errors!
Comment from Jay Squires
First of all, welcome to FanStory. I hope you find your experience here worthwhile.
I don't know how long you've been writing, but you have a natural gift for story-telling. I can see it in your timing and your decision to experiment with your character's mental state. I can't say I agree with you about using single sentence or single word paragraphs to convey her aberrant behavior. I feel that its over-use in the beginning paragraphs makes it stylistic, drawing too much attention to it as a device. Now, if the technique weren't overused in the beginning, it would be doubly effective at the end, where you want the developing realization of her mental state to come to complete fruition in the last line.
And what a beautiful last line that is! "If mom was coming, the owner's bodies had to be removed." Wow!
These are just suggestions, though. Take them or discard them. But don't let my words, or any reviewer's words, get in your head and make you feel you are inferior in your writing ability. You have a ton of talent. I'll look forward to reading more of your things in the future.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
|
First of all, welcome to FanStory. I hope you find your experience here worthwhile.
I don't know how long you've been writing, but you have a natural gift for story-telling. I can see it in your timing and your decision to experiment with your character's mental state. I can't say I agree with you about using single sentence or single word paragraphs to convey her aberrant behavior. I feel that its over-use in the beginning paragraphs makes it stylistic, drawing too much attention to it as a device. Now, if the technique weren't overused in the beginning, it would be doubly effective at the end, where you want the developing realization of her mental state to come to complete fruition in the last line.
And what a beautiful last line that is! "If mom was coming, the owner's bodies had to be removed." Wow!
These are just suggestions, though. Take them or discard them. But don't let my words, or any reviewer's words, get in your head and make you feel you are inferior in your writing ability. You have a ton of talent. I'll look forward to reading more of your things in the future.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
-
Thank you so much! I really appreciate the feedback on the format. I always love to hear different perspectives. Thank you for the encouragement as well :)
Comment from John Ciarmello
Hi, Calene, congratulations on your first Milestone. It is a great start, and I enjoyed it. I didn't see the ending coming. You kept it concealed quite ingeniously. I wish you had entered it in a contest. It may have done quite well. Best, JohnC
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
|
Hi, Calene, congratulations on your first Milestone. It is a great start, and I enjoyed it. I didn't see the ending coming. You kept it concealed quite ingeniously. I wish you had entered it in a contest. It may have done quite well. Best, JohnC
Comment Written 25-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
-
Thank you so much! I'm glad the ending surprised you!
