The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "The Bow and the Ring"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
3 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
I love how Shir Del calls Ilati 'little sister.' Another indication of their relationship. Also, Tahmasp's greeting of 'girl' says much about him. Another excellent job of weaving explanation of past events into the story.
Suggestions to consider:
'Artakhshathra had put the camp far enough out (that) the horses wouldn't graze on the little village's crops... ' Maybe switch 'that' to 'so'?
"What will (that) bring us, one tribe alone against the Nadaren, except a great sorrow?" Maybe switch 'that' to 'it'?
'Even knowing nothing about Sut Resi custom, she knew ugly feelings when she heard them.' I'm not sure you realize it, but you have a tendency to use 'even' quite a bit. I understand what you mean, but it tends to be awkward. I think you use 'even' as a substitute for 'though' many times. For example, in the sentence above, 'Though she knew nothing about Sut Resi custom, Ilati recognized ugly feelings when she heard them.'
'Tahmasp said (even) as he swung himself up onto his horse by gripping the saddle.' Delete 'even'.
'Shir Del seemed still so focused on the past, brow furrowed from dark thoughts.' I think this sentence is a bit awkward. Maybe switch it around? 'Shir Del still seemed so focused on the past, her brow furrowed from dark thoughts.'
"With how even your tribe avoids his hooves and teeth, I would say he is fearsome already." The first part of the sentence is a little awkward.
'Tahmasp said (that) the thief had learned a fine lesson, and we left it at that.' Delete 'that'.
You are an amazing storyteller. I always want to read more.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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I love how Shir Del calls Ilati 'little sister.' Another indication of their relationship. Also, Tahmasp's greeting of 'girl' says much about him. Another excellent job of weaving explanation of past events into the story.
Suggestions to consider:
'Artakhshathra had put the camp far enough out (that) the horses wouldn't graze on the little village's crops... ' Maybe switch 'that' to 'so'?
"What will (that) bring us, one tribe alone against the Nadaren, except a great sorrow?" Maybe switch 'that' to 'it'?
'Even knowing nothing about Sut Resi custom, she knew ugly feelings when she heard them.' I'm not sure you realize it, but you have a tendency to use 'even' quite a bit. I understand what you mean, but it tends to be awkward. I think you use 'even' as a substitute for 'though' many times. For example, in the sentence above, 'Though she knew nothing about Sut Resi custom, Ilati recognized ugly feelings when she heard them.'
'Tahmasp said (even) as he swung himself up onto his horse by gripping the saddle.' Delete 'even'.
'Shir Del seemed still so focused on the past, brow furrowed from dark thoughts.' I think this sentence is a bit awkward. Maybe switch it around? 'Shir Del still seemed so focused on the past, her brow furrowed from dark thoughts.'
"With how even your tribe avoids his hooves and teeth, I would say he is fearsome already." The first part of the sentence is a little awkward.
'Tahmasp said (that) the thief had learned a fine lesson, and we left it at that.' Delete 'that'.
You are an amazing storyteller. I always want to read more.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. The "even" is another tic I?ll need to be aware of and trimming. I really appreciate the feedback!
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
I liked the way you kept events simple in this chapter, it made it easier for me to ease myself into the world you are building. It is a coherent world that is now beginning to flesh out convincingly, as are the main characters. However, I often find Fantasy hard to read because the names of characters don't roll easily off my tngue and are difficult for me to retain. My job here was made harder by the way you kept referring to Shir Del as the warrior woman (a trait that doesn't even figure in the character list), doubling the confusion in my mind.Kate xx
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2022
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I liked the way you kept events simple in this chapter, it made it easier for me to ease myself into the world you are building. It is a coherent world that is now beginning to flesh out convincingly, as are the main characters. However, I often find Fantasy hard to read because the names of characters don't roll easily off my tngue and are difficult for me to retain. My job here was made harder by the way you kept referring to Shir Del as the warrior woman (a trait that doesn't even figure in the character list), doubling the confusion in my mind.Kate xx
Comment Written 16-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate you giving it the time of day. I'll work more on the clarity of things where I can. I'm sorry about the delay in response. Depression is a mindkiller for me right now and it makes me hesitant to engage. I apologize.
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I am so sorry to hear you are suffering. If you can raise yourself to it, try to walk briskly in fresh air. It helps, I know (failing that, try to scrub the loo thoroughly - you will feel you have done something positive with your day) Kate xx
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, this is a very well written chapter. You paragraphs are not too long as to weary the reader. The dialogue and conversation feel natural, even the training with the new bow felt realistic, like she was trying to find her groove.
Well done. Great editing work.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2022
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Hmm, this is a very well written chapter. You paragraphs are not too long as to weary the reader. The dialogue and conversation feel natural, even the training with the new bow felt realistic, like she was trying to find her groove.
Well done. Great editing work.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate you giving it the time of day. I'm sorry about the delay in response. Depression is a mindkiller for me right now and it makes me hesitant to engage. I apologize.
