Blessed Brother/ Part 7
Don't dare the Devil18 total reviews
Comment from Terry Broxson
John, LOL. I love your note! I hope you get better quickly. I think it does need a little more for a "tie it up" ending. Two things I noticed. Okay needs capital with the Corral. I thought the larger font in bold was easy to read, but dropping in down as the story continued was a little awkward to adjust for this old guy...not a biggie, but think about it. Good work! Terry.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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John, LOL. I love your note! I hope you get better quickly. I think it does need a little more for a "tie it up" ending. Two things I noticed. Okay needs capital with the Corral. I thought the larger font in bold was easy to read, but dropping in down as the story continued was a little awkward to adjust for this old guy...not a biggie, but think about it. Good work! Terry.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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Thank you, Terry, for the great review. I will change that font. It crossed my eyes as well. Thanks again!
Comment from Fleedleflump
This was an entertaining chapter of action and revelation. I loved some of your descriptive phrases - the eye colour dissolving, the electricity fingering the glass - effective and interesting. Well written dialogue and clear action. I liked it :-)
Mike
(Minor) Spag notes:
'"Yes, Remi, would you like to see who you've been talking with all these months?"Owen raised his arms' - missing space before 'Owen'
'and let out a deep guttural growl' - needs a comma after 'deep'
'my son should have nothing to do with your quest to demonize the Madallion' - typo on Medallion
'Its voice slowed, and guttural cackles eased out between his paused words.' - should either both be 'his' or both be 'its'
'A snarl shook the walls as Claudia's arm extended in the beast's direction emitting a scorching white beam' - needs a comma after 'direction'
'Claudia knew things were going to get worse and pleaded for Everett to hand her the Madallion' - Medallion typo
'Everett looked down at the Medallion as he spoke."This Medallion' - Needs a space after 'spoke.'
'As he knelt before the beast, he cupped the Medallion in his palms. Perhaps your fear of the Medallion is uncalled-for. Everett looked into the eyes of the beast and raised the Medallion closer.' - is the 'Perhaps your fear' sentence intended to be dialogue? If so, needs speech marks
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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This was an entertaining chapter of action and revelation. I loved some of your descriptive phrases - the eye colour dissolving, the electricity fingering the glass - effective and interesting. Well written dialogue and clear action. I liked it :-)
Mike
(Minor) Spag notes:
'"Yes, Remi, would you like to see who you've been talking with all these months?"Owen raised his arms' - missing space before 'Owen'
'and let out a deep guttural growl' - needs a comma after 'deep'
'my son should have nothing to do with your quest to demonize the Madallion' - typo on Medallion
'Its voice slowed, and guttural cackles eased out between his paused words.' - should either both be 'his' or both be 'its'
'A snarl shook the walls as Claudia's arm extended in the beast's direction emitting a scorching white beam' - needs a comma after 'direction'
'Claudia knew things were going to get worse and pleaded for Everett to hand her the Madallion' - Medallion typo
'Everett looked down at the Medallion as he spoke."This Medallion' - Needs a space after 'spoke.'
'As he knelt before the beast, he cupped the Medallion in his palms. Perhaps your fear of the Medallion is uncalled-for. Everett looked into the eyes of the beast and raised the Medallion closer.' - is the 'Perhaps your fear' sentence intended to be dialogue? If so, needs speech marks
Comment Written 14-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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Thank you for the great review, Mike. Your critiques are always welcome as I generally overread, and the mistakes get lost. Thank you for being so helpful, my friend.
Comment from royowen
I think you've seduced my interest in your story, of course theologically I have questions, but I do know relics have a mystique to them, so my doubts never get in the way of my spectator heart, I do know that God is not subject to my opinion, so I'm always willing to bend. Beautifully written John, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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I think you've seduced my interest in your story, of course theologically I have questions, but I do know relics have a mystique to them, so my doubts never get in the way of my spectator heart, I do know that God is not subject to my opinion, so I'm always willing to bend. Beautifully written John, blessings Roy
Comment Written 14-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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I will accept your seductive interest in this story as a compliment, my friend Roy, which I'm reasonably sure is its intent. I have no choice while working with the devil to take writing liberties. He has to remain off balance, lol. Not to fear our Angel Claudia will keep him in check. Thank you for following it means much, Roy.
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My pleasure
Comment from lyenochka
Well, that was quite the dramatic ending but it wasn't satisfying. What would have happened if Everett gave the medallion to Claudia? And why didn't Claudia clarify more to Everett about who Remi's real father was? Remi knew but Everett seemed to not really know so it would have been a revelation? Unless it was clarified earlier.
On the other hand leaving things up in the air is a valid optional ending. Then you leave it to the reader to finish. But I think you will come back to this later and give us another ending!
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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Well, that was quite the dramatic ending but it wasn't satisfying. What would have happened if Everett gave the medallion to Claudia? And why didn't Claudia clarify more to Everett about who Remi's real father was? Remi knew but Everett seemed to not really know so it would have been a revelation? Unless it was clarified earlier.
On the other hand leaving things up in the air is a valid optional ending. Then you leave it to the reader to finish. But I think you will come back to this later and give us another ending!
Comment Written 14-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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Thank you, Helen, for the great review. I will be back to finish this one!
Comment from Jay Squires
Oh, Man .... What are you doing to us? Powerful to read, as usual, John, but I'm glad you described it as having an ending ... but not THE ending. The only question you didn't address is ... when will we get THE ending?
The overhead hall light clicked and flickered intermittently as skinny bolts of electrical current fingered the inside of the glass cover. [What a delicious description this whole paragraph delivers.]
"You don't belong here. Everett and my son should have nothing to do with your quest [This really needs a dialogue tag here, John! I've read it through several times, and I have no idea who's speaking. The person's talking ABOUT Everett and Remy and the Devil. Who's speaking? I suppose that leaves Claudia, by process of elimination, but I honestly don't see any advantage you have in keeping the reader guessing.... Also, you don't have closing quotes after the dialogue.]
I will be patient, John. I know you have more for us.
Jay
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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Oh, Man .... What are you doing to us? Powerful to read, as usual, John, but I'm glad you described it as having an ending ... but not THE ending. The only question you didn't address is ... when will we get THE ending?
The overhead hall light clicked and flickered intermittently as skinny bolts of electrical current fingered the inside of the glass cover. [What a delicious description this whole paragraph delivers.]
"You don't belong here. Everett and my son should have nothing to do with your quest [This really needs a dialogue tag here, John! I've read it through several times, and I have no idea who's speaking. The person's talking ABOUT Everett and Remy and the Devil. Who's speaking? I suppose that leaves Claudia, by process of elimination, but I honestly don't see any advantage you have in keeping the reader guessing.... Also, you don't have closing quotes after the dialogue.]
I will be patient, John. I know you have more for us.
Jay
Comment Written 14-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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Hi, Jay! I will put a tag on that. It is Claudia's dialogue. Thank you for reading and following. I will be back to finish. I have some losw life ends to button up. Thank you again, Jay.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
I've enjoyed reading this story and rooting for the priest and Remi. This doesn't feel quite like an ending, but it is a great cliffhanger until you can get back to finishing it. God bless you.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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I've enjoyed reading this story and rooting for the priest and Remi. This doesn't feel quite like an ending, but it is a great cliffhanger until you can get back to finishing it. God bless you.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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Hi Carol! Thank you for the great review. Yes, it is more of a cliff hanger. Thank you for following.
Comment from prettybluebirds
Geez, it's not nice to end a story in this manner. I will always wonder if the beast or the medallion won. I was enjoying this story until the ending left me hanging. Great story, not so great ending. Loved it anyway.
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reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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Geez, it's not nice to end a story in this manner. I will always wonder if the beast or the medallion won. I was enjoying this story until the ending left me hanging. Great story, not so great ending. Loved it anyway.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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I'm sorry, PBB. It's more of a standby ending. Thank you for the great review.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
An excellent open ending, but I hope not THE end, as I like to see fights between good and evil run to the bitter death. Even if some fighters do come back to life. Beautiful writingKate xx
Minor point. Sometimes you write madallion, sometimes medallion...
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reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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An excellent open ending, but I hope not THE end, as I like to see fights between good and evil run to the bitter death. Even if some fighters do come back to life. Beautiful writingKate xx
Minor point. Sometimes you write madallion, sometimes medallion...
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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Thank you, Kate, for a great review. Yes, I tried to catch all of those. I told you BLIP, BLIP! Lol. Thank you again
