Blessed Brother/ Part 5
Distant sirens23 total reviews
Comment from royowen
The intrigue is quite amazing, Claudia's once institutionalised brother has given poor Remi a lethal dose of poison That will kill him, but is informed that he is heir to a fortune and this Owen person is out for revenge, I like the fact you've left this episode open ended, beautifully written Joh, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2022
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The intrigue is quite amazing, Claudia's once institutionalised brother has given poor Remi a lethal dose of poison That will kill him, but is informed that he is heir to a fortune and this Owen person is out for revenge, I like the fact you've left this episode open ended, beautifully written Joh, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 15-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Roy, for the wonderful review and for staying with me for the read.
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Most welcome John
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You really have a good story on your hands. You need to work on writing dialogue. I made some suggestions but almost every dialogue has the same errors and there are more paragraphs with two dialogues in them.
A man stepped onto the landing, "well, if it isn't the revered Father Everett. (period after 'landing' & capital 'w' on 'well' & missing ending quotation marks)
cold barrel of his gun against Everett's temple, "be smart about what you say, Father." (period after 'temple' & capital 'b' needed on 'be')
The man clicked his tongue and looked at Remi, "such a shame we were starting to get along so well. (period after 'Remi' & capital 's' on 'Such')
Everett swung his gaze in the stranger's direction, "Poison?"
"My, my, such a look of disdain in your eyes, Father," the man retrieved a cloth from the inside pocket of his suit jacket and wiped the barrel of his gun. "I'm hurt and, frankly, quite shocked. All of this hate coming from a follower of the Lord." (The usual dialogue errors plus 2 dialogues in one paragraph, they each get their own)
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Father; the minuscule doses I've been giving him over the past six months would've been undetectable except for irritability and tiredness, which is normal for a teenage boy." He raised his gaze to the ceiling. Or, perhaps, you should have paid better attention to him, Father. What a shame, all that guilt of the boy's death raining down on you, day after day." The man bent over and squeezed Remi's jaw. "However, I have good news for you, Remi, my boy. I've given you just enough antidote to keep you alive long enough for your uncle to say goodbye."
"Antidote? You can reverse this?" (The usual dialogue errors plus 2 dialogues in one paragraph, they each get their own)
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reply by the author on 15-Jun-2022
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You really have a good story on your hands. You need to work on writing dialogue. I made some suggestions but almost every dialogue has the same errors and there are more paragraphs with two dialogues in them.
A man stepped onto the landing, "well, if it isn't the revered Father Everett. (period after 'landing' & capital 'w' on 'well' & missing ending quotation marks)
cold barrel of his gun against Everett's temple, "be smart about what you say, Father." (period after 'temple' & capital 'b' needed on 'be')
The man clicked his tongue and looked at Remi, "such a shame we were starting to get along so well. (period after 'Remi' & capital 's' on 'Such')
Everett swung his gaze in the stranger's direction, "Poison?"
"My, my, such a look of disdain in your eyes, Father," the man retrieved a cloth from the inside pocket of his suit jacket and wiped the barrel of his gun. "I'm hurt and, frankly, quite shocked. All of this hate coming from a follower of the Lord." (The usual dialogue errors plus 2 dialogues in one paragraph, they each get their own)
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Father; the minuscule doses I've been giving him over the past six months would've been undetectable except for irritability and tiredness, which is normal for a teenage boy." He raised his gaze to the ceiling. Or, perhaps, you should have paid better attention to him, Father. What a shame, all that guilt of the boy's death raining down on you, day after day." The man bent over and squeezed Remi's jaw. "However, I have good news for you, Remi, my boy. I've given you just enough antidote to keep you alive long enough for your uncle to say goodbye."
"Antidote? You can reverse this?" (The usual dialogue errors plus 2 dialogues in one paragraph, they each get their own)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2022
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Thank you so much, Barbra. I seem to be missing some critical points on my dialogue edits. I thought I had it this time, lol. What gets me is I had it right in some places and missed others on punctuation. I get so used to the text I skip over it, plus I'm getting old, lol. Thank you so much for the time you spent with me. Much appreciated.
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I have that problem too. I read it the way it should be not the way it really is. I do understand. You have a great story on your hands.
Comment from Theodore McDowell
Nice work, John. This was a really intense chapter, and it unraveled a lot of the plot and deepened the knowledge of the various players in the story. You kept me engaged throughout the story and it was a definite "page turner."
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reply by the author on 15-Jun-2022
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Nice work, John. This was a really intense chapter, and it unraveled a lot of the plot and deepened the knowledge of the various players in the story. You kept me engaged throughout the story and it was a definite "page turner."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Tim. I'm happy you're reading. I appreciate the kind words and stars, my friend.
