Blessed Brother/ Part 5
Distant sirens23 total reviews
Comment from kahpot
Oh good, I thought Remi was gone but there is still a glimmer of hope as the antidote is close, and a whole lot of revelations in this chapter, I may have to go back to reacquaint myself with Claudia, Owen, and the inheritance, very well written****kahpot
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2022
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Oh good, I thought Remi was gone but there is still a glimmer of hope as the antidote is close, and a whole lot of revelations in this chapter, I may have to go back to reacquaint myself with Claudia, Owen, and the inheritance, very well written****kahpot
Comment Written 12-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2022
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Thank you for going back to read< Kahpot! It is much appreciated. I'm hoping all is well with you.
Comment from leather
This story drew me in and kept me engaged from beginning to end. It deserves six stars, but I am out of them. I did wonder if these words,"consistent bouts with the law." May have been intended to be read as, 'constant bouts with the law.' Great work.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2022
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This story drew me in and kept me engaged from beginning to end. It deserves six stars, but I am out of them. I did wonder if these words,"consistent bouts with the law." May have been intended to be read as, 'constant bouts with the law.' Great work.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2022
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Thank you, leather, for a great review and the honorable mention of the SIX stars. I'm happy to have you read and comment.
Comment from Jay Squires
Thank you for giving me an entertaining evening with this post. Such twists and turns and you handle the pacing of it exquisitely and are defining the art of dramatic detail. I'm speaking here of the very sensuous description of the metallic taste of the gun in his mouth.
I made a few notes as I read along. All minor in terms of craft, but two of them might help make the reading experience more enjoyable for the reader:
"Did you have something to do with that? But why?" [John, a small suggestion. I'd raise this line to the end of the previous one since it's the same speaker and left as it is, it can be a jolting distraction since there's no dialogue tag.]
The man took a few short steps away from Everett and Remi [Either space for a new paragraph, or bring this up to the last paragraph.]
the gun barrel hit against his teeth, and a hard swallow caught in his throat with the taste of metal. [This is riveting stuff, John!]
"Please, Father, don't put anymore holier than thou bullshit on me. ["anymore" here should be separated into "any more", regarless of what Grammarly says, LOL]
A total delight to read, John!
Jay
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2022
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Thank you for giving me an entertaining evening with this post. Such twists and turns and you handle the pacing of it exquisitely and are defining the art of dramatic detail. I'm speaking here of the very sensuous description of the metallic taste of the gun in his mouth.
I made a few notes as I read along. All minor in terms of craft, but two of them might help make the reading experience more enjoyable for the reader:
"Did you have something to do with that? But why?" [John, a small suggestion. I'd raise this line to the end of the previous one since it's the same speaker and left as it is, it can be a jolting distraction since there's no dialogue tag.]
The man took a few short steps away from Everett and Remi [Either space for a new paragraph, or bring this up to the last paragraph.]
the gun barrel hit against his teeth, and a hard swallow caught in his throat with the taste of metal. [This is riveting stuff, John!]
"Please, Father, don't put anymore holier than thou bullshit on me. ["anymore" here should be separated into "any more", regarless of what Grammarly says, LOL]
A total delight to read, John!
Jay
Comment Written 24-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Jay. Yes, Grammarly can be helpful, but also can be a pain in the pencil! I end up going with what looks more pleasing to the eye. Lol. Thanks again, Jay. Thank you for your critiques, and I will make those changes. I'm glad you were able to read this one. I had to repost due to computer problems. My new one will be a much-needed investment.
Comment from irishauthorme
An amazing twist to your story!
I appreciate your gutsy language, really brought the plot into focus.
I could feel Owen's outrage and his insane desire for revenge, no matter how distorted.
One way I can tell great writing is if I can picture the characters as I read.
Your writing has that quality, pretty rare here on FS.
Yes, I know how the story grabs you as you write, sometimes it's like you are not in control anymore, the characters take over.
I think you needed that length to portray the story to a certain point.
Good work,
irish
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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An amazing twist to your story!
I appreciate your gutsy language, really brought the plot into focus.
I could feel Owen's outrage and his insane desire for revenge, no matter how distorted.
One way I can tell great writing is if I can picture the characters as I read.
Your writing has that quality, pretty rare here on FS.
Yes, I know how the story grabs you as you write, sometimes it's like you are not in control anymore, the characters take over.
I think you needed that length to portray the story to a certain point.
Good work,
irish
Comment Written 18-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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Thank you, my friend, for the great review and for following. You're always an inspiration.
Comment from dellsworthpoet
A well-paced scene. The narrative stays on point. The images are sharp. The dialogue is believable. The piece ends with a page-turner statement.
Thanks for a good read.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2022
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A well-paced scene. The narrative stays on point. The images are sharp. The dialogue is believable. The piece ends with a page-turner statement.
Thanks for a good read.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2022
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Thank you for your review. It's much appreciated.
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You are welcome.
Comment from dmt1967
Everett's voice broke off as (the sound of their) stair creaked under someone's weight. (a) We know it is their stair.
The stranger locked eyes with Everett's and slowly (turned a silencer into) his gun barrel. (attached a silencer onto)
Another great chapter. This had me from the first word to the last. Thank you for sharing and have a great day.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2022
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Everett's voice broke off as (the sound of their) stair creaked under someone's weight. (a) We know it is their stair.
The stranger locked eyes with Everett's and slowly (turned a silencer into) his gun barrel. (attached a silencer onto)
Another great chapter. This had me from the first word to the last. Thank you for sharing and have a great day.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2022
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Thank you, dmt, for the great review and six stars. Your critiques are much appreciated, and I will revisit them. Thanks again.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Wow, this is a very interesting chapter, poor Father tricked into finding the truth about his brother and Claudia, all of this for some lame money. Hopefully Remi will survive. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2022
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Wow, this is a very interesting chapter, poor Father tricked into finding the truth about his brother and Claudia, all of this for some lame money. Hopefully Remi will survive. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Iza, for the great review and support.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
This chapter was engrossing. I enjoyed reading it,
though it was poignant, John. I believed Remi was
connected t the man in the limo, though not in the
way written. It all fits. You gave readers great details
to move the story along. I look forward to the next one.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2022
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This chapter was engrossing. I enjoyed reading it,
though it was poignant, John. I believed Remi was
connected t the man in the limo, though not in the
way written. It all fits. You gave readers great details
to move the story along. I look forward to the next one.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
Comment Written 17-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Jan for the great review and comments. I'm happy you're following, Jan.
Comment from GARY MACLEAN
Yes, it was long, but I didn't notice the length when I was reading. It moved so fluently and kept my attentions all the way.
Just a couple of observations:
Para3, 4th sentence: Need space between (robe.) and ("Remi?)
Para 16, 1st sentence: Need space between (Remi.) and ("Such)
I don't know how I feel about this Owen fella. He does not sound too nice. I'm anxious to see what the medallion is all about.
Good job.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2022
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Yes, it was long, but I didn't notice the length when I was reading. It moved so fluently and kept my attentions all the way.
Just a couple of observations:
Para3, 4th sentence: Need space between (robe.) and ("Remi?)
Para 16, 1st sentence: Need space between (Remi.) and ("Such)
I don't know how I feel about this Owen fella. He does not sound too nice. I'm anxious to see what the medallion is all about.
Good job.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2022
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Thank you for your review, Gary, and your critiques, as they are always helpful. I'm happy you're following.
Comment from Terry Broxson
What in the hell is this insane guy going to do with the Medallion? Owen is part of a most screwed-up family so I guess I will have to stay tuned. Good work. Terry.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2022
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What in the hell is this insane guy going to do with the Medallion? Owen is part of a most screwed-up family so I guess I will have to stay tuned. Good work. Terry.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Terry, for the great review. It's always appreciated, my friend.
