Blessed Brother / part 4
More secrets20 total reviews
Comment from kahpot
" A year had passed" I know I'm slow- but hey-(sorry) hope this is still alright but I am still dragging/copying/paste quite a few bits of your work, not to use but understand the way you have worded/put sentences together, telling the different scenes, Remi's character is much more understood now though you added some more intrigue as you end this chapter as a month has gone without much communication, an excellent read****kahpot
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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" A year had passed" I know I'm slow- but hey-(sorry) hope this is still alright but I am still dragging/copying/paste quite a few bits of your work, not to use but understand the way you have worded/put sentences together, telling the different scenes, Remi's character is much more understood now though you added some more intrigue as you end this chapter as a month has gone without much communication, an excellent read****kahpot
Comment Written 04-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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Thank you, Kahpot. I'm honored you're using my work for reference points. I have done the same with the well versed on FS, and there are many talented folks. It's a great venue to learn. best, JohnC
Comment from Shirley McLain
Excellent chapter, full of intrigue and action. I have to do some back reading and get caught up with the story line. You did a great job as always. I'm looking forward to reading more. Have a great day. Shirley
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2022
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Excellent chapter, full of intrigue and action. I have to do some back reading and get caught up with the story line. You did a great job as always. I'm looking forward to reading more. Have a great day. Shirley
Comment Written 13-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Shirley, for the great review and for following. Best, JohnC
Comment from Jay Squires
And the saga continues. I enjoy each week's new installment. Your storyline alone has so much going for it. Add to that your storytelling expertise and the reader is never left unsatisfied.
flipped the tab of a spraying root beer can before he pulled it from the fridge. [Beautifully expressive sentence!]
Remi pulled on both cheeks and did a weak but effective Marlin Brando impersonation. [Wow, you're nailing it, man!]
So, it was thought. [Don't care so much for the passive construction here. The reader knows who the thinker is]
But you finished the chapter off in dramatic fashion. Beautiful job, John.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2022
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And the saga continues. I enjoy each week's new installment. Your storyline alone has so much going for it. Add to that your storytelling expertise and the reader is never left unsatisfied.
flipped the tab of a spraying root beer can before he pulled it from the fridge. [Beautifully expressive sentence!]
Remi pulled on both cheeks and did a weak but effective Marlin Brando impersonation. [Wow, you're nailing it, man!]
So, it was thought. [Don't care so much for the passive construction here. The reader knows who the thinker is]
But you finished the chapter off in dramatic fashion. Beautiful job, John.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Jay. I'm happy you're staying with me. There are a few of you, heavy hitters, in the audience now that I am a massive fan of. I will work hard so as not to solicit any BOOs. :) Thank you for reading and for the encouraging words.
Comment from irishauthorme
Intense. The mystery surrounding Remi spurred the story on, but the limo added tension that took it up another notch.
I saw that you were fleshing out Remi more, a good move.
I know the experts say be careful how you expand your secondary characters so you do not draw too much away from the main, but you skillfully included Father Everett in every scene.
Good work!
irish
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2022
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Intense. The mystery surrounding Remi spurred the story on, but the limo added tension that took it up another notch.
I saw that you were fleshing out Remi more, a good move.
I know the experts say be careful how you expand your secondary characters so you do not draw too much away from the main, but you skillfully included Father Everett in every scene.
Good work!
irish
Comment Written 12-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2022
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Thank you, my friend, Irish. I'm happy you have stayed with me, and I appreciate your support and kind words. Thank you again.
Comment from GARY MACLEAN
"whacking their balls with skinny sticks into tiny holes." Double meaning much? Nice subtlety.
A couple of minor observations:
Para 24: at the end "neighborhood" I think you meant to insert a paragraph space.
Para 25: Remove one space before "He"
Para 29: Remove one space before "Remi"
Next to the last paragraph: I THINK you meant to say "bathroom light off" rather than just "bathroom light"
Last Para, last sentence: remove quotation mark (") from before "Yes"
This is my first exposure to Remi and Everett. I am looking forward to the next installment. Interesting story.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2022
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"whacking their balls with skinny sticks into tiny holes." Double meaning much? Nice subtlety.
A couple of minor observations:
Para 24: at the end "neighborhood" I think you meant to insert a paragraph space.
Para 25: Remove one space before "He"
Para 29: Remove one space before "Remi"
Next to the last paragraph: I THINK you meant to say "bathroom light off" rather than just "bathroom light"
Last Para, last sentence: remove quotation mark (") from before "Yes"
This is my first exposure to Remi and Everett. I am looking forward to the next installment. Interesting story.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Gary, for the review and critique. I'll revisit and make those changes. I'm honored by your reading. I enjoy your work. Thank you again.
Comment from Ulla
Well, John, I for one want to know what is happening to Remi and what is going on in general. Something is up with the limo. Surely there is a connection. I can't wait to be reading on. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2022
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Well, John, I for one want to know what is happening to Remi and what is going on in general. Something is up with the limo. Surely there is a connection. I can't wait to be reading on. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 11-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2022
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Thank you for the review, Ulla! It's always nice to hear from you. I'm happy you are staying with the read. I have a lot to cover. Thanks again.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Remi seems to be good company for father Everest, but I wonder what made him collapse last minute. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2022
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Remi seems to be good company for father Everest, but I wonder what made him collapse last minute. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2022
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Thank you for your review of this part, Iza. It's much appreciated.
Comment from Terry Broxson
John, the plot does thicken, and a good plot it is. I do wonder if we need more information about Everett's struggles with Remi. You gave it one sentence. Will you explore that more later or do you need more to be done in this segment?. Do the struggles matter?
I am glad to see you writing a longer piece and I do like the way you are presenting it. Good work. Terry.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2022
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John, the plot does thicken, and a good plot it is. I do wonder if we need more information about Everett's struggles with Remi. You gave it one sentence. Will you explore that more later or do you need more to be done in this segment?. Do the struggles matter?
I am glad to see you writing a longer piece and I do like the way you are presenting it. Good work. Terry.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Terry, for the SIX stars! Your perceptiveness always gives me additional thoughts and more bridges to build or burn, never stop! Lol. Thanks again, my friend.
Comment from K. Lang-Slattery
This section does establish Remi as a "typical" teenager with a few interesting characteristics: he wears a suit to school and thinks of himself as a trend-setter. He also seems to have some skills at problem solving (the TV remote). There is obviously also a connection between Remi and the man in the limo. What will that be? and what has caused him to stumble and collapse? A new mystery is emerging. All these things show you have accomplished what you wanted in this short section. Did I miss anything? Writing, as always, is well done.
. my only question is why wait a year to reveal more about the mystery and Remi. Teenagers grow so quickly, a year is a very long time for nothing to happen. The difference between a 16 year old boy and one who is almost a man at 17 is huge, and between 17 and 18 it is even more pronounced. Why the long wait?
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2022
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This section does establish Remi as a "typical" teenager with a few interesting characteristics: he wears a suit to school and thinks of himself as a trend-setter. He also seems to have some skills at problem solving (the TV remote). There is obviously also a connection between Remi and the man in the limo. What will that be? and what has caused him to stumble and collapse? A new mystery is emerging. All these things show you have accomplished what you wanted in this short section. Did I miss anything? Writing, as always, is well done.
. my only question is why wait a year to reveal more about the mystery and Remi. Teenagers grow so quickly, a year is a very long time for nothing to happen. The difference between a 16 year old boy and one who is almost a man at 17 is huge, and between 17 and 18 it is even more pronounced. Why the long wait?
Comment Written 10-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2022
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I agree, Kate. I started him at an older age, and I regret it a bit. There's no going back now; I'll have to work with it and see where Remi takes me. Thank you for the great review and the stars.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I enjoyed this chapter, John. You did a great job. I liked the
attention focused on Remi. He seems typical at first, but there's
more to him readers haven't learned or figured out. The
limo is a clue, he knows more about it, and readers know it
showing up now will be a major part of the story. Just what?
Like so many of the characters here, Remi is hiding something
even if some is still unknown to him--he know more.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2022
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I enjoyed this chapter, John. You did a great job. I liked the
attention focused on Remi. He seems typical at first, but there's
more to him readers haven't learned or figured out. The
limo is a clue, he knows more about it, and readers know it
showing up now will be a major part of the story. Just what?
Like so many of the characters here, Remi is hiding something
even if some is still unknown to him--he know more.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
Comment Written 10-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2022
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Thank you for a great review, Jan, and for the stars. I appreciate you reading and staying with me.
