The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Dreams in the Desert"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
3 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
Another great chapter. The memories and flashbacks are well done. You use a variety of strong verbs to convey the action.
Some great descriptions:
'All around the air shimmered and waved in the heat of the day.' A great way to describe it.
'Ilati had lived in the temple shade for much of her life, and before her vows had played idly in Shadi's vibrant gardens. Not once in her life before now had she been forced to contend with privation. She was the treasured daughter, groomed to rule the temple of the patron goddess of the birthplace of civilization. There was no room in that for hunger, thirst, or the punishment of damaged limbs and battered muscles.' This paragraph is very telling about Ilati's life up 'til this point. Highly detailed not just visually but as to her character as well.
'Her body still ached from several brutal beatings, the outline of hands now livid on her wrists and throat.' This sentence made me cringe as it's a visual reminder of the brutality she suffered.
A few suggestions to consider:
'Ilati straightened (up) despite the pain through her body.' I think you could delete 'up' as it's redundant.
'Eigou stood (up) and flicked the piece of palm frond into the water.' Same thing here.
'Ilati nodded when the old man handed her the smaller goatskin they had, filled with water.' I suggest deleting the comma as it disrupts the flow of the sentence.
'Eigou had given her water for a day, but she knew in her heart of hearts that only deeper () would interest the wild goddess she was chasing.' I feel like there is a word or phrase missing after 'deeper'. Maybe add a bit to clarify deeper what or where?
'Trudging through the loose sand felt more arduous than walking on packed earth and it did not help that she was climbing dunes, many of which rose like temples worthy of titans before her, almost a thousand cubits at their summits.' I think you could break this long sentence into two shorter ones to help with flow.
As always, I merely offer suggestions. You are free to do with them what you want.
You are a gifted storyteller. That last sentence makes me want to know what happens next.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2023
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Another great chapter. The memories and flashbacks are well done. You use a variety of strong verbs to convey the action.
Some great descriptions:
'All around the air shimmered and waved in the heat of the day.' A great way to describe it.
'Ilati had lived in the temple shade for much of her life, and before her vows had played idly in Shadi's vibrant gardens. Not once in her life before now had she been forced to contend with privation. She was the treasured daughter, groomed to rule the temple of the patron goddess of the birthplace of civilization. There was no room in that for hunger, thirst, or the punishment of damaged limbs and battered muscles.' This paragraph is very telling about Ilati's life up 'til this point. Highly detailed not just visually but as to her character as well.
'Her body still ached from several brutal beatings, the outline of hands now livid on her wrists and throat.' This sentence made me cringe as it's a visual reminder of the brutality she suffered.
A few suggestions to consider:
'Ilati straightened (up) despite the pain through her body.' I think you could delete 'up' as it's redundant.
'Eigou stood (up) and flicked the piece of palm frond into the water.' Same thing here.
'Ilati nodded when the old man handed her the smaller goatskin they had, filled with water.' I suggest deleting the comma as it disrupts the flow of the sentence.
'Eigou had given her water for a day, but she knew in her heart of hearts that only deeper () would interest the wild goddess she was chasing.' I feel like there is a word or phrase missing after 'deeper'. Maybe add a bit to clarify deeper what or where?
'Trudging through the loose sand felt more arduous than walking on packed earth and it did not help that she was climbing dunes, many of which rose like temples worthy of titans before her, almost a thousand cubits at their summits.' I think you could break this long sentence into two shorter ones to help with flow.
As always, I merely offer suggestions. You are free to do with them what you want.
You are a gifted storyteller. That last sentence makes me want to know what happens next.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2023
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Thank you very much for the suggestions! It all needs flow rewrites, but I?m definitely keeping these notes in particular in mind.
Comment from Shirley McLain
I like this story, and you have done an excellent job. The thought of the scorpion crawling on her made my skin crawl. Your protagonist is full of courage. Have a great evening. Shirley
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2022
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I like this story, and you have done an excellent job. The thought of the scorpion crawling on her made my skin crawl. Your protagonist is full of courage. Have a great evening. Shirley
Comment Written 20-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate it and I?m sorry my response was so delayed. Work is a lot sometimes. I hope you have a good day.
Comment from John Ciarmello
Sensational, I'm usually not a huge fan of this genre, but your style and professionalism are beyond accomplished. I couldn't pull myself away from this. Your characterization is powerful and not a word was written that didn't have a purpose. This is timeless and masterful. I applaud you!
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2022
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Sensational, I'm usually not a huge fan of this genre, but your style and professionalism are beyond accomplished. I couldn't pull myself away from this. Your characterization is powerful and not a word was written that didn't have a purpose. This is timeless and masterful. I applaud you!
Comment Written 20-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate it and I?m sorry my reply was so delayed. Work has been a lot. I hope you have a wonderful day.
