The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Lamentation of Sacred Waters"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
6 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
Wow! What amazing description! Your opening paragraph gives the reader a picture drawing them into the story. You continue with just enough detail to keep the reader wanting to know more.
There are some wonderful sentences in your chapter:
'It worked, though she swayed like a reed in the river breezes.'
'The wrath of the conquering host was a nightmare breathed to life by gods darker than a starless night.'
'The sun died on the horizon like an ember, consumed by the indigo of the night sky and the bright silver moon.' This one is my favorite, evoking such a lovely image in my mind.
Again, wow! I look forward to reading more of this story!
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2023
  |
Wow! What amazing description! Your opening paragraph gives the reader a picture drawing them into the story. You continue with just enough detail to keep the reader wanting to know more.
There are some wonderful sentences in your chapter:
'It worked, though she swayed like a reed in the river breezes.'
'The wrath of the conquering host was a nightmare breathed to life by gods darker than a starless night.'
'The sun died on the horizon like an ember, consumed by the indigo of the night sky and the bright silver moon.' This one is my favorite, evoking such a lovely image in my mind.
Again, wow! I look forward to reading more of this story!
Comment Written 24-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2023
-
Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I saw you left me a pile of comments, so I?ll read over and reply to each one. I really, really appreciate your time and feedback and I hope you have a wonderful week!
Comment from Ric Myworld
Wow, I read little to no fantasy, and seldom find time to read many outside those who read me, but this is one time that I'm glad I did. Thanks for sharing some vivid details and fine writing. I'll be looking to read more. Wish I had a six.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2022
 |
Wow, I read little to no fantasy, and seldom find time to read many outside those who read me, but this is one time that I'm glad I did. Thanks for sharing some vivid details and fine writing. I'll be looking to read more. Wish I had a six.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2022
-
Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate it and I'm glad you enjoyed it. Hopefully I'll get a chance to read some of your work. I hope you have a wonderful day.
Comment from Malcolm Rothery
There is some fantastic writing here as well as some beautiful imagery. With a thorough rewrite it cou;ld be publishable. I apologise if I am nit-picking, but I did spot a few problems.
The line 'Another tear dripped from her chin, rolling down her bruised face' does not make sense as the tear could not roll down her face after dropping from her chin - or perhaps I am reading it wrong?
The sentence 'The smoke robbed the sky of its blue hue, replacing it with a bleak gray and ash drifted on the wind as though it had swept up the plucked feathers of a dead bird.' seems too long and is difficult to read. Maybe it needs some punctuation or maybe it could read 'The smoke robbed the sky of its blue hue, replacing it with a bleak gray. Ash drifted on the wind like the swept up feathers of a dead bird.'
Apart from that, this is excellent.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2022
|
There is some fantastic writing here as well as some beautiful imagery. With a thorough rewrite it cou;ld be publishable. I apologise if I am nit-picking, but I did spot a few problems.
The line 'Another tear dripped from her chin, rolling down her bruised face' does not make sense as the tear could not roll down her face after dropping from her chin - or perhaps I am reading it wrong?
The sentence 'The smoke robbed the sky of its blue hue, replacing it with a bleak gray and ash drifted on the wind as though it had swept up the plucked feathers of a dead bird.' seems too long and is difficult to read. Maybe it needs some punctuation or maybe it could read 'The smoke robbed the sky of its blue hue, replacing it with a bleak gray. Ash drifted on the wind like the swept up feathers of a dead bird.'
Apart from that, this is excellent.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2022
-
No worries, I appreciate the nit picks, always. I'll take a look at it right away. Thank you for reading and reviewing. I'm grateful for your time and I hope you have a wonderful day.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I thought this was very well written. An enjoyable read from start to finish - and the finish makes you want more. This is getting interesting. I would suggest breaking future chapters of this length into two chapters. It's a little long for online reading. But a terrific read. Great job.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2022
|
I thought this was very well written. An enjoyable read from start to finish - and the finish makes you want more. This is getting interesting. I would suggest breaking future chapters of this length into two chapters. It's a little long for online reading. But a terrific read. Great job.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2022
-
Thank you very much for reading it and reviewing, especially given it's on the long side. I appreciate your time and I hope you have a wonderful day.
Comment from Shirley McLain
I like the chapter, it is active and full of action. It held my interest all the way to the end. I had a problem with your structure. I don't know what your bold words were, but they made for difficult reading. I found it very distracting. You did a good job with the actual story, and I would like to read more. Have a good evening. Shirley
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2022
 |
I like the chapter, it is active and full of action. It held my interest all the way to the end. I had a problem with your structure. I don't know what your bold words were, but they made for difficult reading. I found it very distracting. You did a good job with the actual story, and I would like to read more. Have a good evening. Shirley
Comment Written 19-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2022
-
Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I didn?t know if it would work, so thanks for letting me know it doesn?t. Have a wonderful day!
Comment from John Ciarmello
This is sensational writing. It went a bit long, but hardly noticeable. Your writing is as sharp as a needle and your dialogue stays on point and moves the plot along quite nicely. You have a wonderful talent my friend. I would like to follow if you don't mind. Well done!
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2022
|
This is sensational writing. It went a bit long, but hardly noticeable. Your writing is as sharp as a needle and your dialogue stays on point and moves the plot along quite nicely. You have a wonderful talent my friend. I would like to follow if you don't mind. Well done!
Comment Written 19-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2022
-
Thank you very much! You?re welcome to follow me. This particular novel tends a little long in the chapters (at least some of them), so I apologize. I hope you have a great day.
-
No need to apologize. You are amazingly talented. I didn't mind the length.
