Concertina
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "The Beginning of the End."Vietnam veteran comes to the end of his denial.
9 total reviews
Comment from Ethan Vandervelden
I really enjoyed this chapter! The glimpses into his thoughts and the Vietnamese voices really add to the tension and are very well executed!
My favorite parts below:
{The nausea and confusion he felt earlier had diminished in direct contrast to his newfound energy and determined sprint. He didn't want to call attention to himself, but he didn't want to stop either; he had to keep going.} -- These lines really helped the reader understand his mindset. Very relatable feeling of wanting to rush but stay under the radar!
{His fear of the unknown overwhelmed him, and he began to smother any rational thought. I'll drown if I let go.} -- Such a good description of his state of mind! A+
Thank you for sharing!
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2022
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I really enjoyed this chapter! The glimpses into his thoughts and the Vietnamese voices really add to the tension and are very well executed!
My favorite parts below:
{The nausea and confusion he felt earlier had diminished in direct contrast to his newfound energy and determined sprint. He didn't want to call attention to himself, but he didn't want to stop either; he had to keep going.} -- These lines really helped the reader understand his mindset. Very relatable feeling of wanting to rush but stay under the radar!
{His fear of the unknown overwhelmed him, and he began to smother any rational thought. I'll drown if I let go.} -- Such a good description of his state of mind! A+
Thank you for sharing!
Comment Written 21-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2022
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Once again, a very thoughtful review, Ethan. Thank you for your time and insight. I forward to providing more. Yard.
Comment from Susan Newell
Yard,
You continue to amaze me by writing so "in the moment" that I can feel everything that Lee does. Knowing, now, that these are hallucinations, the words are endowed with so much symbolic meeting that I am astounded. The perpetual battle between good and evil is always fought in the hearts and minds of men and Lee is putting up a terrific fight against the demons. The concertina wire and broken rope ladder are a wonderful metaphor for the struggle. I see the duffle bag as a metaphor to want to just leave the battlefield, yet not being able to do that. Choices must be made. The war must be fought. Spectacular writing as usual. I have made some proofing notes below and a couple of suggestions. You seem to have hit the cap key a few too many times. :-)
Sue
causing him to bolt as if shot from a sprinter's starting block and sprint blindly away from Le Chien. -- minor thing; can you find a replacement for sprint to avoid repetition?
eels wriggled toward Le Chien pinned beneath a minivan occupied with shocked wide-eyed tourists. -- "who was pinned"?
Merchant Marine or Stevedore -- I don't think these should be capped
thought the worst that could happen is his being detained ==> was
Embassies or Consulates. -- no caps
took a quick look around the corner and saw his hotel standing about a -- extra space after standing
to find a way to reach the Harbor Master-- no caps
the Communist Cadre. -- no caps
He wrapped his arms around the nearest pilling -- extra space before He; ==> piling
moon and looked for the Harbor Master tower -- no caps
on him he realized he was on the edge -- extra space after he
to release from inside the duffle bag and perculate a hideous stench. ==> percolate
He closed his eyes as the moon and the Harbor Master's tower lights -- no caps; above you didn't write it as a possessive -- should probably stay consistent
Python squeezing the life out of its prey. -- no cap for python
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2022
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Yard,
You continue to amaze me by writing so "in the moment" that I can feel everything that Lee does. Knowing, now, that these are hallucinations, the words are endowed with so much symbolic meeting that I am astounded. The perpetual battle between good and evil is always fought in the hearts and minds of men and Lee is putting up a terrific fight against the demons. The concertina wire and broken rope ladder are a wonderful metaphor for the struggle. I see the duffle bag as a metaphor to want to just leave the battlefield, yet not being able to do that. Choices must be made. The war must be fought. Spectacular writing as usual. I have made some proofing notes below and a couple of suggestions. You seem to have hit the cap key a few too many times. :-)
Sue
causing him to bolt as if shot from a sprinter's starting block and sprint blindly away from Le Chien. -- minor thing; can you find a replacement for sprint to avoid repetition?
eels wriggled toward Le Chien pinned beneath a minivan occupied with shocked wide-eyed tourists. -- "who was pinned"?
Merchant Marine or Stevedore -- I don't think these should be capped
thought the worst that could happen is his being detained ==> was
Embassies or Consulates. -- no caps
took a quick look around the corner and saw his hotel standing about a -- extra space after standing
to find a way to reach the Harbor Master-- no caps
the Communist Cadre. -- no caps
He wrapped his arms around the nearest pilling -- extra space before He; ==> piling
moon and looked for the Harbor Master tower -- no caps
on him he realized he was on the edge -- extra space after he
to release from inside the duffle bag and perculate a hideous stench. ==> percolate
He closed his eyes as the moon and the Harbor Master's tower lights -- no caps; above you didn't write it as a possessive -- should probably stay consistent
Python squeezing the life out of its prey. -- no cap for python
Comment Written 20-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2022
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Hello, Sue. Thank you so much for the review and corrections. I have a couple of questions regarding Capitalization. Oops, see I did it again.
The Communist Cadre is the title of an enforcement agency of the Communist Party. Wouldn't it be correct to capitalize it in the same manner as our Federal Bureau of Investigation?
Also:
I admit Harbor Master has me confused. Harbor Master is not a person but an office similar to Police Dept., Coroners Office etc. Many persons work for the Harbor Master and yet, none of them hold the actual title as Harbor Master similar to air traffic controllers working in an airports Air Traffic Control Tower.
Thank you once again for your time and eagle eye. Yard
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Yes indeed! I didn't realize it was an agency. Mea culpa. Rules on capitalization change and "Government" likes to use capitals for nearly everything the toadies write because it is All So Important! :-)
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I seriously doubt this is the end of Lee. I sure hope not, because that would be the end of this story and I am not ready for the ending. I can't wait for more.
The dead fish and shrimp slid into a curb drain (I had fish for lunch, hmmm?)
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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I seriously doubt this is the end of Lee. I sure hope not, because that would be the end of this story and I am not ready for the ending. I can't wait for more.
The dead fish and shrimp slid into a curb drain (I had fish for lunch, hmmm?)
Comment Written 19-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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Thanks again, Barbara. Lol, fish... funny that. You won't have to worry about after you read the next chapter. All the best, Yard
Comment from Ric Myworld
Damned if I'm not worn out after this smothering venture down the Saigon river. I wasn't sure whether Lee was caught up in razor wire remnants or in the mouth of a giant Mekong cat fish, a critically endangered species. LOL. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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Damned if I'm not worn out after this smothering venture down the Saigon river. I wasn't sure whether Lee was caught up in razor wire remnants or in the mouth of a giant Mekong cat fish, a critically endangered species. LOL. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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Thank you, brother. You can take a break now. Only one chapter left and I will be as done with it as you. Yard
Comment from Judy Lawless
This is another powerful and well-written chapter, Yard. I wonder if this is the last of Lee. Can't imagine him surviving this, but I'll wait for THE END before I conclude. I found no areas that need fixes. Well done.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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This is another powerful and well-written chapter, Yard. I wonder if this is the last of Lee. Can't imagine him surviving this, but I'll wait for THE END before I conclude. I found no areas that need fixes. Well done.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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Ok, Judy. I hope I can end it on a high note. It has been some work, I can tell you. Thank you for the six and encouragement. All the best, yard.
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You?re welcome, Yard. I can imagine it would be an emotional story to write for you.
Comment from Melodie Michelle
Excellent prose my friend! The imagery is perfect and the storyline was very captivating and held my attention and the characters interact nicely together throughout the piece;-)
Thank you for sharing and many blessings to you and your family this New Year!
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
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Excellent prose my friend! The imagery is perfect and the storyline was very captivating and held my attention and the characters interact nicely together throughout the piece;-)
Thank you for sharing and many blessings to you and your family this New Year!
Comment Written 18-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
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Thank you, Melodie, and the same well wishes to you and yours.
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;-)
Comment from Daniel Massey
This is a lively and imaginative piece. I enjoyed it, but I thought there were a couple of paragraphs that could have been shortened particularly the second one. I thought it was a bit-winded but everyone thinks, and writes differently so top marks.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
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This is a lively and imaginative piece. I enjoyed it, but I thought there were a couple of paragraphs that could have been shortened particularly the second one. I thought it was a bit-winded but everyone thinks, and writes differently so top marks.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
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Thanks, Daniel. I agree, I like your suggestion. I cut up it into three allowing it to flow a bit better.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
I sure hope he's about to break back into reality as his dreams are horrible. Too much of that and he may never come back. Really well written and horrifying.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
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I sure hope he's about to break back into reality as his dreams are horrible. Too much of that and he may never come back. Really well written and horrifying.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
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He'll make it, Carol. If he had been in the Navy or Marines, he would have quit a long time ago. But he is an American Soldier....ARMY all the way. (;-)
Comment from royowen
It seems like the symbolic things have captured him, and become physical in a sense to hold him captive and cause his eathly Demise, as if satanic forces have finally won, which in many ways have captured victims in the past. Well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
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It seems like the symbolic things have captured him, and become physical in a sense to hold him captive and cause his eathly Demise, as if satanic forces have finally won, which in many ways have captured victims in the past. Well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 18-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
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As you have pointed out in the past, one must give up everything to follow Christ. Lee is approaching the last thing he must proclaim and the last thing to give up, or the snares of Satan (Concertina Wire) will drag him to hell.
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Great story
