The Dancer of Revenge
A win is a win, no matter how goofy the appearance.4 total reviews
Comment from Mary Shifman
I enjoyed your story very much. It has the sound and feel of an ancient legend so you did a good job with it. I like that Stands-With-Grace was the one who taught Man-With-Great-Seeing to "dance." Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2022
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I enjoyed your story very much. It has the sound and feel of an ancient legend so you did a good job with it. I like that Stands-With-Grace was the one who taught Man-With-Great-Seeing to "dance." Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2022
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Thank you! I had fun with it.
Comment from Thatguypk
What a beautiful tale, told in a most delightful style. It felt like some old sage was relating the story as a morality tale. There is much beauty in the notion of the artistry and the dance being more impressive than the brute force of Meat Killer. It comes close to the notion that the pen is mightier than the sword. Such a wonderful piece of writing. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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What a beautiful tale, told in a most delightful style. It felt like some old sage was relating the story as a morality tale. There is much beauty in the notion of the artistry and the dance being more impressive than the brute force of Meat Killer. It comes close to the notion that the pen is mightier than the sword. Such a wonderful piece of writing. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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What a great review - as opposed to another that didn't care for the style.
Thank you. I was just trying to be different.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
the title of this competition is hilarious - no such thing as honourable revenge. lol
His job, due to his great eyesight was that of the tribe's lookout,- maybe insert another comma after eyesight.
To his front was the South Sea. Threats from the South Sea included canoe-filled marauders who in ancient days invaded from both the east and the west.- this comes across as confusing until later when it's mentioned they're on a peninsula. Perhaps this information needs to come earlier?
This has a tendency toward telling and passivity in the earlier sections. I think if you went through this again and noted down how often you used was/were and that, you'd be surprised. I'd suggest trying to write around them as often as possible.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Hi there,
the title of this competition is hilarious - no such thing as honourable revenge. lol
His job, due to his great eyesight was that of the tribe's lookout,- maybe insert another comma after eyesight.
To his front was the South Sea. Threats from the South Sea included canoe-filled marauders who in ancient days invaded from both the east and the west.- this comes across as confusing until later when it's mentioned they're on a peninsula. Perhaps this information needs to come earlier?
This has a tendency toward telling and passivity in the earlier sections. I think if you went through this again and noted down how often you used was/were and that, you'd be surprised. I'd suggest trying to write around them as often as possible.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 16-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Great review, great suggestions.
I know we're not supposed to defend our work --
this was an experiment in some sort of style that I thought would be unique enough to get attention. (maybe it will - bad attention!)
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You can defend away with me. I don't mind. I like the discourse we can have on the site. G
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Thank you!
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, I like this. I can see something like this being a true tale, and the native people using such a method as early warning. I can see how such a thing became a tradition and was passed down, never changing, never evolving.
Well told.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2022
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Hmm, I like this. I can see something like this being a true tale, and the native people using such a method as early warning. I can see how such a thing became a tradition and was passed down, never changing, never evolving.
Well told.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2022
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Thank you.
