One Summer Morning
Music for Enchantment5 total reviews
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
An eerie write with an ambient feel to it and this was a ghostly encounter with a musical endeavour, I enjoyed the sentiment and your story was entertaining Cass, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2021
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An eerie write with an ambient feel to it and this was a ghostly encounter with a musical endeavour, I enjoyed the sentiment and your story was entertaining Cass, love Dolly x
Comment Written 20-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2021
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Dear Dolly, Thank you for your review and the five stars. I am not sure just where this came from actually, although I do recall a house with a brushwood fence and gates on the way to school each day. The Muse is doing her thing again. cheers Cass
Comment from lyenochka
I like your mysterious story. I wonder what motivated the narrator to go to that place first thing in the morning. I wonder if there's a connection to the statue she picked up and the violin player. Would there be someone else if she had picked up another statue. The music was particularly haunting and I wonder if she goes back. Best wishes in the contest!
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2021
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I like your mysterious story. I wonder what motivated the narrator to go to that place first thing in the morning. I wonder if there's a connection to the statue she picked up and the violin player. Would there be someone else if she had picked up another statue. The music was particularly haunting and I wonder if she goes back. Best wishes in the contest!
Comment Written 19-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2021
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Dear Helen, The questions you have asked about this very brief story have, I am happy to say, filled me with a
sense of satisfaction I haven't felt in quite a while. To fill a reader's mind with wondering "what happened next" is about as good as it gets. I won't attempt to answer your questions because they all belong to you.
You have my cheerful permission to finish the story any way you like. cheers Cass
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Then we're both happy and I look forward to when you write the book!
Comment from Mary Shifman
I like your story. You've done a good job creating a mood and telling your tale. The only problems I found with it is the spacing between paragraphs and you have a lot of stand alone sentences that I believe should go to the one/s next to it. For example:
"As she opened the gate an odd feeling of being "not alone" came to her, but she let it pass and went in, closing the gate behind her. Fish were darting about amid the plants in the pond. From broken statuettes on the edge of the pond she picked up one of a man playing a violin. A breeze shivered through the branches above as a voice spoke to her."
I think it's far less choppy this way and the sentences seem to belong together. The same goes for the following paragraphs. I'd like to hear more of this story. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2021
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I like your story. You've done a good job creating a mood and telling your tale. The only problems I found with it is the spacing between paragraphs and you have a lot of stand alone sentences that I believe should go to the one/s next to it. For example:
"As she opened the gate an odd feeling of being "not alone" came to her, but she let it pass and went in, closing the gate behind her. Fish were darting about amid the plants in the pond. From broken statuettes on the edge of the pond she picked up one of a man playing a violin. A breeze shivered through the branches above as a voice spoke to her."
I think it's far less choppy this way and the sentences seem to belong together. The same goes for the following paragraphs. I'd like to hear more of this story. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2021
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Dear Mary, Thank you for your review and the five stars.
Yes, you are right about the text being fragmented. When I edited to get some "air" into the page, I overdid
it just a tad. How does it look now? cheers Cass
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It does look better but you still need to connect some of your sentences. I'll show you what I mean,
"As she opened the gate an odd feeling of being "not alone" came to her, but she let it pass and went in, closing the gate behind her.Fish were darting about amid the plants in the pond.
From broken statuettes on the edge of the pond she picked up one of a man playing a violin.
A breeze shivered through the branches above as a voice spoke to her. She froze for a moment, and then turned towards the speaker.
He was sitting on a bench next to the house, his eyes closed. Alongside him was a large, white, walking stick which, she knew, was the sign of a blind person.
"What did you say?" she said.
He was an elderly man, dressed in a shirt and trousers with slippers on his feet. He held a violin. When he spoke she didn't understand his language but she smiled back. He lifted the violin and began to play.
The music wound around her like a magic spell, bewitching her and she realized this was no ordinary music. She recognized the piece as a Romance by Brahms from the record collection at home, but even to her 9 year old ears, the music was played as it had never been played before.
She put her hands over her ears, but it still reached her, faint but clear. She backed away towards the gate, the music surrounding her. She reached for the latch. The music faded."
Do you see how much better it looks. Of course, the final word is yours.
Comment from kiwisteveh
Cass, well done with this simple tale of a statue that apparently comes to life and a mysterious violinist who speaks in a foreign language. Some readers might find this unsatisfying in that there is no real resolution to the story.
I actually liked the beginning where the desire the protagonist has to visit the haunted house already emphasises the unusual nature of the place.
Good luck.
Steve
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2021
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Cass, well done with this simple tale of a statue that apparently comes to life and a mysterious violinist who speaks in a foreign language. Some readers might find this unsatisfying in that there is no real resolution to the story.
I actually liked the beginning where the desire the protagonist has to visit the haunted house already emphasises the unusual nature of the place.
Good luck.
Steve
Comment Written 19-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2021
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Dear Steve, thank you for your review and the five stars. Yes, the word count has something to do with that as I never seem to get it right and then have to edit out a lot of extra wordage which would clarify the plot. Sorry about that, ol' chum, ain't it a bu**er.
cheers Cass
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Enthralling piece. Masterfully subtle, stunning imagery and skillful narration. Intriguing to contemplate why she ran away. Sounds to me like a wonderful experience!
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2021
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Enthralling piece. Masterfully subtle, stunning imagery and skillful narration. Intriguing to contemplate why she ran away. Sounds to me like a wonderful experience!
Comment Written 19-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2021
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Dear Elizabeth, Thank you for your review and the five stars. Well, she was only nine years old, and it was a bit scary for a little girl. Thank you for your generous comments, they are most welcome. cheers Cass
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I don't see her age--I assumed she was in her teens.