Concertina
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Too much pressure."Vietnam veteran comes to the end of his denial.
9 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
As usual, some mighty fancy descriptions that paint pictures to draw your audience in and make them feel like they are in the action. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2021
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As usual, some mighty fancy descriptions that paint pictures to draw your audience in and make them feel like they are in the action. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2021
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Thanks Brother-man. Keep on keepin' on!
Comment from Judy Lawless
Wow, this is a great chapter, full of action and emotions, Yard. As I recall, Jesse had set an impossible challenge to Lee, and now it's gotten out of control. So much hate and anger going on, ending in disaster. Too much trauma for Lee. Well done.
The only suggestion I have is that you think of another verb for sprinted, as you've used it a couple of times, fairly close together here.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2021
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Wow, this is a great chapter, full of action and emotions, Yard. As I recall, Jesse had set an impossible challenge to Lee, and now it's gotten out of control. So much hate and anger going on, ending in disaster. Too much trauma for Lee. Well done.
The only suggestion I have is that you think of another verb for sprinted, as you've used it a couple of times, fairly close together here.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2021
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Thank you, Judy, for the generous review and continued interest. As suggested, I changed sprinted to dashed. Hope to see you for the next chapter: Ruined Embroidery. Yard.
Comment from Susan Newell
Yard,
I'm glad I waited to review this until I had a six. You have done a phenomenal job at keeping the intensity throughout. The characters are interesting and easy to relate to. We've all known a Jesse and often seen them reap what they sow. Your first person flashback experience is incredible as it interweaves memories, emotions and terrified hallucinations into a cohesive experience. Exceptionally well written.
Sue
scorpions making their way along the baby's arm and up his pant leg! -- I found the exclamation point unnecessary and a little distracting
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2021
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Yard,
I'm glad I waited to review this until I had a six. You have done a phenomenal job at keeping the intensity throughout. The characters are interesting and easy to relate to. We've all known a Jesse and often seen them reap what they sow. Your first person flashback experience is incredible as it interweaves memories, emotions and terrified hallucinations into a cohesive experience. Exceptionally well written.
Sue
scorpions making their way along the baby's arm and up his pant leg! -- I found the exclamation point unnecessary and a little distracting
Comment Written 19-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2021
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Thank you, Sue, for your generous review and wonderful comments. I am glad when a reader reinforces the nuance in the prose. It is difficult to write without appearing to present a kaleidoscope of emotions for an emotional effect when, what is occurring is not occurring. Hope to see you for the next chapter: Ruined Embroidery. Yard.
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You are welcome. In my review I spoke about first person when you had written in the third person. I realized after I posted, that it was so real it felt like a first-person experience. I plan to read your book to the end.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is some good writing. You're doing a great job with this story. Thank you for sharing.
Chris knelt next to Jesse and yelled at the gaggle of confused grinders, (knelt beside Jesse)
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2021
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This is some good writing. You're doing a great job with this story. Thank you for sharing.
Chris knelt next to Jesse and yelled at the gaggle of confused grinders, (knelt beside Jesse)
Comment Written 18-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2021
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Thank you, Barbara. You got me! I went back and forth with (knelt vs beside)
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Devastating! Brilliant piece; vividly rendered scene--graphic bit with the slimy black tongue!
Before Lee could grind rust and grime from the casing in front of him, Jesse increased hydraulic pressure SUGG COMMA causing another well-casing to shoot into place.
Concerned, Lee tried to put the thought out of his head PERIOD
Jesse saw it, though, and took advantage of Lee's confusion and opened the main valve to ninety percent with the intent to release a third well-casing down on Lee's log jam and force Lee into permanent unemployment. IS HE TRYING TO INJURE LEE?
a blast of cold air condition air
SUGG a cold blast from the air conditioner
As if in a dream, Lee watched with drowsy curiosity as the two dust devils once more became one, then slowly dissipate=>DISSIPATED into the bright blue sky, leaving an aged Vietnamese woman behind.
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2021
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Devastating! Brilliant piece; vividly rendered scene--graphic bit with the slimy black tongue!
Before Lee could grind rust and grime from the casing in front of him, Jesse increased hydraulic pressure SUGG COMMA causing another well-casing to shoot into place.
Concerned, Lee tried to put the thought out of his head PERIOD
Jesse saw it, though, and took advantage of Lee's confusion and opened the main valve to ninety percent with the intent to release a third well-casing down on Lee's log jam and force Lee into permanent unemployment. IS HE TRYING TO INJURE LEE?
a blast of cold air condition air
SUGG a cold blast from the air conditioner
As if in a dream, Lee watched with drowsy curiosity as the two dust devils once more became one, then slowly dissipate=>DISSIPATED into the bright blue sky, leaving an aged Vietnamese woman behind.
Comment Written 17-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2021
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Thanks, Liz. Yes, Jesse intended to injure Lee. It didn't work our so well for him.
You got me! I went back and forth with (dissipate vs dissipated) Dissipated just didn't sound right. Thanks again.
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past tense watched/became/dissipated
Comment from oliver818
This is a very well written story, I enjoyed reading it. I haven't read the other chapters but it's very powerful. The characters come across very well through the story and the dialogue. Thanks for sharing this and have a great day
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2021
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This is a very well written story, I enjoyed reading it. I haven't read the other chapters but it's very powerful. The characters come across very well through the story and the dialogue. Thanks for sharing this and have a great day
Comment Written 17-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2021
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Thank you, Oliver. I hope you take the time to read the previous chapters and definitely the next one. Yard
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is a really powerful chapter as the work line becomes deadly dangerous, Jesse in badly injured, and Lee becomes lost in hallucinations. There's a lot of reader grabbing action. Great job.
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2021
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This is a really powerful chapter as the work line becomes deadly dangerous, Jesse in badly injured, and Lee becomes lost in hallucinations. There's a lot of reader grabbing action. Great job.
Comment Written 17-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2021
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Thank you, Carol. Hang on for the next chapter!
Comment from Frank Malley
This excerpt was difficult for me to manage and keep coherent. It details at least three different events and moves between them very abruptly. It contains several characters who might qualify as a point of focus for the narrative; it finally ends up as the character Lee, who clearly is in the middle of an hallucinatory event, a flashback from his Viet Nam War experiences. I think the excerpt would become more manageable for the reader if there had been some establishment of setting and personnel at its start. I also think using a greater number of short sentences would help with story flow and comprehensibility. If I were the author, I would consider recording this chapter on a phone, waiting a day or two, and then listening to it to evaluate its overall coherence.
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2021
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This excerpt was difficult for me to manage and keep coherent. It details at least three different events and moves between them very abruptly. It contains several characters who might qualify as a point of focus for the narrative; it finally ends up as the character Lee, who clearly is in the middle of an hallucinatory event, a flashback from his Viet Nam War experiences. I think the excerpt would become more manageable for the reader if there had been some establishment of setting and personnel at its start. I also think using a greater number of short sentences would help with story flow and comprehensibility. If I were the author, I would consider recording this chapter on a phone, waiting a day or two, and then listening to it to evaluate its overall coherence.
Comment Written 17-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2021
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Thank you, Mr. Malley, for taking the time to review and offer constructive criticism. All the best. Yard.
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What my review didn't say was that what you are writing has a lot of touchstone points for the creation of a good story. I hope you keep it going.
Comment from royowen
It's incredible the affects that ptsd combined with pot to alleviate the stress that comes from the time spent in war torn places brings, and the ones that make the decisions of these young men who've probably lived in socialised cocoon suffer nothing. Beautifully written my friend, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2021
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It's incredible the affects that ptsd combined with pot to alleviate the stress that comes from the time spent in war torn places brings, and the ones that make the decisions of these young men who've probably lived in socialised cocoon suffer nothing. Beautifully written my friend, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 17-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2021
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Thank you, Roy. I always appreciate your reviews and comments. All the best, Yard.
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Well done
