The Chronicals Of Bethica: The Rise
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "The Chronicles Of Bethica"Abram must defeat a deadly humanoid race of beings
17 total reviews
Comment from AJ McCall
Wow. The way you wove this chapter together is INSANE!!! This actually reminds me of the movie Kong: Skull Island and how each of the soldiers were being picked off by the creatures that inhabited the land. I was so sad when Keneen died. My heart. And then you balanced it out with some comedy. (I'm looking at you Olutunji.) This was perfectly written! I'm all for the ride!!!
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2021
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Wow. The way you wove this chapter together is INSANE!!! This actually reminds me of the movie Kong: Skull Island and how each of the soldiers were being picked off by the creatures that inhabited the land. I was so sad when Keneen died. My heart. And then you balanced it out with some comedy. (I'm looking at you Olutunji.) This was perfectly written! I'm all for the ride!!!
Comment Written 27-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2021
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Thank you so much, AJ. I'm so humbled and flattered by your review. I'm glad you liked it.
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You're very welcome! ;)
Comment from robyn corum
Amahra,
Wow. I don't follow much fantasy, but this was really good and so easy to read. The tale is dramatic and rather horrifying. I wouldn't want to be there, that's for sure. If these things are what they face on the WAY to fight the Drake, my stars! I can't imagine what the fight with their target will be like. YUCK!
Lovely job!
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2021
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Amahra,
Wow. I don't follow much fantasy, but this was really good and so easy to read. The tale is dramatic and rather horrifying. I wouldn't want to be there, that's for sure. If these things are what they face on the WAY to fight the Drake, my stars! I can't imagine what the fight with their target will be like. YUCK!
Lovely job!
Comment Written 27-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2021
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Robyn, you're amazing. I can't believe you read that long chapter for two cents. :) I'm working on the fight scenes now. Thank you so much, my dear. I'm glad you liked it.
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certainly!
Comment from justafan
You have some wonderful reviews and some questionable ones. (forget those)
Your storyline is solid and the characters are well developed.
I'm a BIG FAN!
Always
Justafan of yours
Missy
(side note, you and a couple of others are the reason I have not closed my account here) Keep up the wonderful work, A.
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2021
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You have some wonderful reviews and some questionable ones. (forget those)
Your storyline is solid and the characters are well developed.
I'm a BIG FAN!
Always
Justafan of yours
Missy
(side note, you and a couple of others are the reason I have not closed my account here) Keep up the wonderful work, A.
Comment Written 18-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2021
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Thank you so much, Missy. Bless you.
Comment from Paul McFarland
My first reading of this story. Well told. The many encounters with things that blocked their way keeps the reader interested and on the edge of his seat.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2021
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My first reading of this story. Well told. The many encounters with things that blocked their way keeps the reader interested and on the edge of his seat.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2021
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Thank you so much.
Comment from pookietoo
A nice story. Keep smiling and sharing your feelings with us. I enjoyed reading this article. Good luck and best wishes always. Keep sharing with us
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2021
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A nice story. Keep smiling and sharing your feelings with us. I enjoyed reading this article. Good luck and best wishes always. Keep sharing with us
Comment Written 16-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2021
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Thank you very much.
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Sure
Comment from NABattaglia
Great work. This is a very substantial and meaty entry, heavy on descriptions and driven by dialogue. Your technical form is superb, with no noticeable errors. Great flow and lore, well done with this entry! Thank you for sharing. Looking forward to the next set.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2021
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Great work. This is a very substantial and meaty entry, heavy on descriptions and driven by dialogue. Your technical form is superb, with no noticeable errors. Great flow and lore, well done with this entry! Thank you for sharing. Looking forward to the next set.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2021
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Thank you so much for your review.
Comment from Cass Carlton
to the surface not service nothing but silence (d)
remove the 'd' as it is ungrammatic.
These are the only two Spags I have found in this intriguing piece. This is well written , and contains all the elements of a good story . Interesting, lively characters , an intriguing plot line, a good command of plain English and ,most importantly, a "hook" at the end of the episode to keep 'em wanting to know "what happened next?" Good luck with this story cheers Cass
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2021
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to the surface not service nothing but silence (d)
remove the 'd' as it is ungrammatic.
These are the only two Spags I have found in this intriguing piece. This is well written , and contains all the elements of a good story . Interesting, lively characters , an intriguing plot line, a good command of plain English and ,most importantly, a "hook" at the end of the episode to keep 'em wanting to know "what happened next?" Good luck with this story cheers Cass
Comment Written 16-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2021
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Thank you so much, Cass for reading and reviewing. It means a lot to me. And I will make those corrections here and on the main manuscript.
Comment from JudyE
I'm not really into fantasy but enjoyed reading this. It was easy to get involved with the arduous journey that the group is undertaking. I thought the descriptive passages were well-handled and you obviously have a very good imagination.
If it's okay, I've listed a couple of small points that I might have done differently but please ignore them if they don't sit well with you.
Rather than risk bringing hundreds of settlers through the hostile Badlands, Gangus decided, he, and his soldiers would tame the pitfalls - delete comma after 'decided'
The soldiers walked for hours, stepping over animals and other creature carcasses. - I think this would be clearer as 'The soldiers walked for hours, stepping over the carcasses of many creatures. 'Animals' and 'creatures' are synonyms so I think just using one would be better.
As the sun rose and beamed over them, swordsmen walked ahead of the troop, slicing through tall tangled weeds, and then cutting to pieces serpents they found bedded within the grass. - I would delete either 'and' or 'then'
For hours, swordsmen cut through weeds, hanging vines, and killed serpents. - for clearer meaning, I might have altered this slightly. Perhaps 'For hours, swordsmen killed serpents while cutting through weeds and hanging vines.'
Suddenly, among the soldiers rose a scream. Pryah, who had left the traveled path to investigate some movement she thought she'd seen in a bush, had gotten tangled in a spider's web, and hundreds of spiders, the size of flies had descended upon her. - comma needed after 'flies'
Alema and the others pulled off their foot ware - should be 'footwear'
and beat the spiders off of her - delete 'of'
A distraught Pryah knelt vomiting. - comma after 'knelt'
The on-looking soldiers drew their swords - one word - onlooking
He gagged and coughed up saliva as his eyes bore into Gangus's eyes. - I might have rearranged this slightly to 'He gagged, coughing up saliva as his eyes bore into Gangus's eyes.'
After nearly two hours had passed, Dinary made a loud call - maybe 'Dinary called loudly' although maybe what you've written is more in the style of the period.
Olatunji hopped to his feet grinning. A few more hopped to their feet including Letty. - rather than repeat 'hopped' perhaps the second use could be 'jumped to their feer'
The rock walls were jagged with sharp edges like blades. - maybe 'with sharp, blade-like edges'
Best wishes
Judy
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2021
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I'm not really into fantasy but enjoyed reading this. It was easy to get involved with the arduous journey that the group is undertaking. I thought the descriptive passages were well-handled and you obviously have a very good imagination.
If it's okay, I've listed a couple of small points that I might have done differently but please ignore them if they don't sit well with you.
Rather than risk bringing hundreds of settlers through the hostile Badlands, Gangus decided, he, and his soldiers would tame the pitfalls - delete comma after 'decided'
The soldiers walked for hours, stepping over animals and other creature carcasses. - I think this would be clearer as 'The soldiers walked for hours, stepping over the carcasses of many creatures. 'Animals' and 'creatures' are synonyms so I think just using one would be better.
As the sun rose and beamed over them, swordsmen walked ahead of the troop, slicing through tall tangled weeds, and then cutting to pieces serpents they found bedded within the grass. - I would delete either 'and' or 'then'
For hours, swordsmen cut through weeds, hanging vines, and killed serpents. - for clearer meaning, I might have altered this slightly. Perhaps 'For hours, swordsmen killed serpents while cutting through weeds and hanging vines.'
Suddenly, among the soldiers rose a scream. Pryah, who had left the traveled path to investigate some movement she thought she'd seen in a bush, had gotten tangled in a spider's web, and hundreds of spiders, the size of flies had descended upon her. - comma needed after 'flies'
Alema and the others pulled off their foot ware - should be 'footwear'
and beat the spiders off of her - delete 'of'
A distraught Pryah knelt vomiting. - comma after 'knelt'
The on-looking soldiers drew their swords - one word - onlooking
He gagged and coughed up saliva as his eyes bore into Gangus's eyes. - I might have rearranged this slightly to 'He gagged, coughing up saliva as his eyes bore into Gangus's eyes.'
After nearly two hours had passed, Dinary made a loud call - maybe 'Dinary called loudly' although maybe what you've written is more in the style of the period.
Olatunji hopped to his feet grinning. A few more hopped to their feet including Letty. - rather than repeat 'hopped' perhaps the second use could be 'jumped to their feer'
The rock walls were jagged with sharp edges like blades. - maybe 'with sharp, blade-like edges'
Best wishes
Judy
Comment Written 15-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2021
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Thank you so much, Judy for taking the time to read my chapter; I appreciate you so very much. Thank you for your suggestions. I am very bad with commas: I either use too many or not enough. :)
As far as "....,and then....." Grammatically, if I'm not mistaken, you use a comma with ",and then" but no comma with just "then"
The soldiers walked for hours, stepping over animals and other creature carcasses. [In this world are humans, humanoids, and animals. The other creatures are humanoids.]
I value your opinion, so please keep reading giving me your suggestions. Again, thank you.
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Thanks for the explanation. It comes from not having read the other chapters but I'll bear it in mind for future ones. Anything I suggest is really just drawing things to your attention. You have to take any notice of any of them. And I've been wrong plenty of times too! :)
Comment from Ulla
Oh, amahra, this is a great chapter. It's amazing how much they had to endure and you describe it so very well. First there was the spider nest and then the poor man diied from the encounter wit a snake. And now they have arrived at their destination. A forbidden place indeed. It's s very well written. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2021
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Oh, amahra, this is a great chapter. It's amazing how much they had to endure and you describe it so very well. First there was the spider nest and then the poor man diied from the encounter wit a snake. And now they have arrived at their destination. A forbidden place indeed. It's s very well written. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 15-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2021
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Thank you very much, Ulla.
Comment from Judy Lawless
There is a lot happening in this chapter, Amahra. Now they have reached the Drake, but the question is, will they be able to survive a battle with him? Good writing.
"For hours, swordsmen cut through weeds,(and) hanging vines, and killed serpents." remove the comma and replace with "and"
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2021
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There is a lot happening in this chapter, Amahra. Now they have reached the Drake, but the question is, will they be able to survive a battle with him? Good writing.
"For hours, swordsmen cut through weeds,(and) hanging vines, and killed serpents." remove the comma and replace with "and"
Comment Written 14-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2021
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Thank you, Judy for your review and suggestion.
