BEING JUDAS
Viewing comments for Prologue "Being Judas"Your kind always gets paid.
13 total reviews
Comment from Mary Shifman
I worked in middle school for nearly twenty years and Thad reads like a real 8th grade boy. He vacillates between being a macho, manipulative, self-centered teenager and an insecure, uncomfortable little kid. Admittedly, his concerns are focused on getting away with his behaviors. The narrative has a natural flow and and it is a quick read. The dialogue is believable. Somehow, your word selection has managed to let us see the setting and characters quite clearly with very few descriptive phrases. I have to say, I feel sorry for characters for whom the future is already laid out. He's too young to make an informed choice, but there would be no story if it was otherwise. I liked this story and look forward to reading the next installment. One can only hope that Thad doesn't get tapped, but somehow, I don't think that's in the cards.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2021
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I worked in middle school for nearly twenty years and Thad reads like a real 8th grade boy. He vacillates between being a macho, manipulative, self-centered teenager and an insecure, uncomfortable little kid. Admittedly, his concerns are focused on getting away with his behaviors. The narrative has a natural flow and and it is a quick read. The dialogue is believable. Somehow, your word selection has managed to let us see the setting and characters quite clearly with very few descriptive phrases. I have to say, I feel sorry for characters for whom the future is already laid out. He's too young to make an informed choice, but there would be no story if it was otherwise. I liked this story and look forward to reading the next installment. One can only hope that Thad doesn't get tapped, but somehow, I don't think that's in the cards.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much for your review! It is greatly appreciated. I don't think I write descriptions well...they always sound forced, so I rely on dialogue as much as I can. ;)
Comment from J Patience
This reads easily and smoothly. It comes off as natural, and that's a relief to me. So many others are awkward and trying too hard. You got this down. I like the character building through cigarettes and family relationships. The all-knowing stranger is always a delight, too. Very cool. I just made a few notes on hiccups I noticed along the way.
- to light the scented candles she has recently fallen in love or maybe for lighting her friend's: has recently fallen in love with?
- and all of us, my mother included, find themselves drawn to creating little pockets of drama: The tense changes. If you're talking about "us," then we find "ourselves" drawn...
- where the priests often smoke, occasionally tell jokes, some dirty and some, more often than not, racist and even drink: This ought to be reworded to read more smoothly. Listing "drink" after "smoke," maybe, would work better.
- if they can do all that than why would God strike: This should be "then," not "than."
- "It's my job to tell the actors to be ready, just in case, he wants to watch it." : The second comma, between "case" and "he," isn't necessary.
Keep the good work coming!
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2021
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This reads easily and smoothly. It comes off as natural, and that's a relief to me. So many others are awkward and trying too hard. You got this down. I like the character building through cigarettes and family relationships. The all-knowing stranger is always a delight, too. Very cool. I just made a few notes on hiccups I noticed along the way.
- to light the scented candles she has recently fallen in love or maybe for lighting her friend's: has recently fallen in love with?
- and all of us, my mother included, find themselves drawn to creating little pockets of drama: The tense changes. If you're talking about "us," then we find "ourselves" drawn...
- where the priests often smoke, occasionally tell jokes, some dirty and some, more often than not, racist and even drink: This ought to be reworded to read more smoothly. Listing "drink" after "smoke," maybe, would work better.
- if they can do all that than why would God strike: This should be "then," not "than."
- "It's my job to tell the actors to be ready, just in case, he wants to watch it." : The second comma, between "case" and "he," isn't necessary.
Keep the good work coming!
Comment Written 16-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much for reading it and the review. I write so damn fast and commas are something of a natural enemy, I either use too many or none at all. I will correct based on your suggestions because I think you are right, if flows much better with those corrections!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
it would be a good idea to incorporate some line breaks into your work. Leaving clear lines between paragraphs and for dialogue can make for a cleaner write which is more easily followed on screen.
Also, many folk simply skip over blocks of unbroken work.
The piece isn't particularly long but splitting it up into chapters like this makes it feel more so. I would advise either splitting it into separate posts or removing the chapter titles and making it one continuous piece.
I get the first person narrative and the choppy shorter sentences (non-sentences) but there are a lot of them and it can either feel forced or lazy if not careful.
question the likelihood that the best friend, who is afflicted with severe asthma and every allergy under the sun, would spend her evenings blowing cigarette smoke into my sister's hair. - to be fair, I know a lot of folk like this who do smoke...
But it isn't what we know and all of us, my mother included, find themselves drawn to creating little pockets of drama and chaos- if you're using 'us' here, it should probably be ourselves rather than themselves.
Watch your tenses, on a couple of occasions they fluctuate between past and present tense.
You need to edit those code bits out (the weird 'a' things). They are a bit distracting.
he tells me, then abandons a search for comfortable chair - either a comfortable chair or comfortable chairs.
"Don't push me and don't go for the door, and for God's sake, put your fucking legs back under the desk," he hisses.- I don't think the emotive tag really works here. Those words are probably quite difficult to hiss...
"If it starts, you'll play your part, like the rest of them. I'm here to tell you what's your part and to give you a brief outline of what's expected, the rest is ad lib mostly. "You'll feel compelled to do the major stuff but the...- extra speech marks in here.
It doesn't appear to have an ending. It just sort of stops and leaves the reader dangling.
All that being said, there is a good voice to the piece but it needs a further edit, formatting and a more robust conclusion.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2021
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Hi there,
it would be a good idea to incorporate some line breaks into your work. Leaving clear lines between paragraphs and for dialogue can make for a cleaner write which is more easily followed on screen.
Also, many folk simply skip over blocks of unbroken work.
The piece isn't particularly long but splitting it up into chapters like this makes it feel more so. I would advise either splitting it into separate posts or removing the chapter titles and making it one continuous piece.
I get the first person narrative and the choppy shorter sentences (non-sentences) but there are a lot of them and it can either feel forced or lazy if not careful.
question the likelihood that the best friend, who is afflicted with severe asthma and every allergy under the sun, would spend her evenings blowing cigarette smoke into my sister's hair. - to be fair, I know a lot of folk like this who do smoke...
But it isn't what we know and all of us, my mother included, find themselves drawn to creating little pockets of drama and chaos- if you're using 'us' here, it should probably be ourselves rather than themselves.
Watch your tenses, on a couple of occasions they fluctuate between past and present tense.
You need to edit those code bits out (the weird 'a' things). They are a bit distracting.
he tells me, then abandons a search for comfortable chair - either a comfortable chair or comfortable chairs.
"Don't push me and don't go for the door, and for God's sake, put your fucking legs back under the desk," he hisses.- I don't think the emotive tag really works here. Those words are probably quite difficult to hiss...
"If it starts, you'll play your part, like the rest of them. I'm here to tell you what's your part and to give you a brief outline of what's expected, the rest is ad lib mostly. "You'll feel compelled to do the major stuff but the...- extra speech marks in here.
It doesn't appear to have an ending. It just sort of stops and leaves the reader dangling.
All that being said, there is a good voice to the piece but it needs a further edit, formatting and a more robust conclusion.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much for reading this and your review. I will take your very valid criticism to heart and make the necessary corrections. I like my characters and I want to make sure the story is worthy of them and I think with your help it will be.
Comment from JennStar
Overall I liked the story. I am going to just make a note on the formatting of the story is difficult to read. Without any empty space the paragraphs run together and there isn't any indenting.
Some technical stuff
* not all of these are sentences and it would work better using commas - I found cigarettes.
In my older sister's purse. Her old purse. Hidden in her bottom drawer, with her winter sweaters.
-I took a lighter, too. The green camo one.
* add - We are bound together now by our childish infractions and our desperate need to keep everything calm in (the) house.
- So(,) as much as I want to break the rules and
*Comma Splice - The filters are the same, the brand is the same.
* Comma - . So, if they can do all that(,) than (then?) why would God
* Comma Splice - I drop the lighter, which is a relief as it was taking so long, the metal was digging into the flesh of my thumb and burning the pad of it.
* Reads off might want to add - then abandons a (might change to the) search for (a) comfortable chair
* add - he says (,) exhaling smoke. - He rolls his head back on his shoulder(,) and I notice a thick band
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2021
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Overall I liked the story. I am going to just make a note on the formatting of the story is difficult to read. Without any empty space the paragraphs run together and there isn't any indenting.
Some technical stuff
* not all of these are sentences and it would work better using commas - I found cigarettes.
In my older sister's purse. Her old purse. Hidden in her bottom drawer, with her winter sweaters.
-I took a lighter, too. The green camo one.
* add - We are bound together now by our childish infractions and our desperate need to keep everything calm in (the) house.
- So(,) as much as I want to break the rules and
*Comma Splice - The filters are the same, the brand is the same.
* Comma - . So, if they can do all that(,) than (then?) why would God
* Comma Splice - I drop the lighter, which is a relief as it was taking so long, the metal was digging into the flesh of my thumb and burning the pad of it.
* Reads off might want to add - then abandons a (might change to the) search for (a) comfortable chair
* add - he says (,) exhaling smoke. - He rolls his head back on his shoulder(,) and I notice a thick band
Comment Written 15-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much for your review. Commas have long been my enemy in my writing. I put them where they do not belong and forget to put them where they are most needed. I will take this to heart and make those changes!
Comment from Eunice Amero
As far as Im concern I disagree with the priest is doing in church. Im anixous to find out what the boys job is to be. It doesn't sound good. And smoking is a bad habit that is hard to break. Want to see whats next. thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2021
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As far as Im concern I disagree with the priest is doing in church. Im anixous to find out what the boys job is to be. It doesn't sound good. And smoking is a bad habit that is hard to break. Want to see whats next. thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2021
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I quite agree, smoking is a nasty habit which I unfortunately took up around that age but quit....eventually ;). Thank you for reading this for me.
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you are welcome
Comment from barbara.wilkey
The goodness of your writing is lost in the lack of paragraphs. I strongly suggest that you use paragraphs. It appears in the original copy you had them, but when you posted you lost them. You will need to go back and physically put in a space for FS.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2021
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The goodness of your writing is lost in the lack of paragraphs. I strongly suggest that you use paragraphs. It appears in the original copy you had them, but when you posted you lost them. You will need to go back and physically put in a space for FS.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2021
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Thanks! This is my first time here and that is a solidly legitimate criticism. I'm on it!
Comment from nomi338
This so good that for me, it seems like near genius. At any age, when you are about to do something that you know you should not be doing, from someplace deep inside you, there is the feeling that someone may arrive to stop you, or at least question your decision to do this wrong thing. Believe me, I have live a scenario like this in my head countless times. Some might call it your conscience, and I think that maybe that is an accurate description of it. I thoroughly enjoyed this read. Thank you for posting it.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2021
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This so good that for me, it seems like near genius. At any age, when you are about to do something that you know you should not be doing, from someplace deep inside you, there is the feeling that someone may arrive to stop you, or at least question your decision to do this wrong thing. Believe me, I have live a scenario like this in my head countless times. Some might call it your conscience, and I think that maybe that is an accurate description of it. I thoroughly enjoyed this read. Thank you for posting it.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much for your review. This one brought tears to my eyes, you absolutely got the vibe I was going for!!
Comment from royowen
All of us have a first cigarette story. I found this immensely interesting, Thaddeus has affectively made a short term deal for a long term sentence. With someone masquerading as human but with a devilish aura. The fact the man knows things about the boy that an unfamiliar person wouldn't know. It's very clever and reminds of a scripture that says, although a little off the mark, "Even Satan appears as an of light" beautifully written, Stephen Kingesque in appearance, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2021
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All of us have a first cigarette story. I found this immensely interesting, Thaddeus has affectively made a short term deal for a long term sentence. With someone masquerading as human but with a devilish aura. The fact the man knows things about the boy that an unfamiliar person wouldn't know. It's very clever and reminds of a scripture that says, although a little off the mark, "Even Satan appears as an of light" beautifully written, Stephen Kingesque in appearance, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 13-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much for reading it and taking the time to review it. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it.
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Good job
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
This is a fascinating story. It feels like something from "The Twilight Zone," and the creepy stranger seems like the devil himself.
Thank you for increasing the promotion on this post by about double, which I especially appreciate, considering that you've squeezed five chapters of your story into one! I noticed the change in amount, as I was reviewing it :-)
The story has a lot of grammatical errors. I hope you will work on these, but I always say that the story and ideas are more important than the grammar, and I stand by that.
You have a lot of sentence fragments. I didn't attempt to correct them all. It may be your style, but it's better to avoid it, unless it's really necessary. My other "global" suggestion is that you insert some paragraph breaks. You may think you have them, but they may just be line breaks, unless you put in two.
Here are some more specific errors and suggestions:
My mother happily distracted with listing the sins of the maligned friend and warning of my sister's association with this girl,
-->
My mother, being happily distracted with listing the sins of the maligned friend and warning of my sister's association with this girl,
Ostensibly, to light the scented candles she has recently fallen in love or maybe for lighting her friend's, the one with the bad reputation, runny nose, and my mother's happy derision, cigarettes.
-->
Ostensibly, to light the scented candles she has recently fallen in love with, or maybe for lighting her friend's (the one with the bad reputation, runny nose, and my mother's happy derision) cigarettes.
...and all of us, my mother included, finds themselves drawn to ...
-->
...and all of us, my mother included, find ourselves drawn to ...
I can light without looking and draw smoke though that cylinder and into my lungs without even trying.
-->
I can light without looking and draw smoke though that cylinder and into my lungs without even trying.
The cigarette says stuck on the flesh of my bottom lip,
-->
The cigarette stays stuck on the flesh of my bottom lip,
All my meticulous planning never thought of this scenario.
-->
In all my meticulous planning, I never thought of this scenario.
"She's never miss it," he says,
-->
"She'll never miss it," he says,
I look past him toward the door leads out to the sacristy and then to the altar.
-->
I look past him toward the door leading out to the sacristy and then to the altar.
***
You really create a very palpable sense of tension in the church office, and help the reader identify with Thad's fear and perplexity. You have created some very believable characters with Thad and his family, and the stranger is quite an enigma. You have made him both repulsive and compelling. I am really wondering where this will go, and what Thad will be asked to do.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2021
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This is a fascinating story. It feels like something from "The Twilight Zone," and the creepy stranger seems like the devil himself.
Thank you for increasing the promotion on this post by about double, which I especially appreciate, considering that you've squeezed five chapters of your story into one! I noticed the change in amount, as I was reviewing it :-)
The story has a lot of grammatical errors. I hope you will work on these, but I always say that the story and ideas are more important than the grammar, and I stand by that.
You have a lot of sentence fragments. I didn't attempt to correct them all. It may be your style, but it's better to avoid it, unless it's really necessary. My other "global" suggestion is that you insert some paragraph breaks. You may think you have them, but they may just be line breaks, unless you put in two.
Here are some more specific errors and suggestions:
My mother happily distracted with listing the sins of the maligned friend and warning of my sister's association with this girl,
-->
My mother, being happily distracted with listing the sins of the maligned friend and warning of my sister's association with this girl,
Ostensibly, to light the scented candles she has recently fallen in love or maybe for lighting her friend's, the one with the bad reputation, runny nose, and my mother's happy derision, cigarettes.
-->
Ostensibly, to light the scented candles she has recently fallen in love with, or maybe for lighting her friend's (the one with the bad reputation, runny nose, and my mother's happy derision) cigarettes.
...and all of us, my mother included, finds themselves drawn to ...
-->
...and all of us, my mother included, find ourselves drawn to ...
I can light without looking and draw smoke though that cylinder and into my lungs without even trying.
-->
I can light without looking and draw smoke though that cylinder and into my lungs without even trying.
The cigarette says stuck on the flesh of my bottom lip,
-->
The cigarette stays stuck on the flesh of my bottom lip,
All my meticulous planning never thought of this scenario.
-->
In all my meticulous planning, I never thought of this scenario.
"She's never miss it," he says,
-->
"She'll never miss it," he says,
I look past him toward the door leads out to the sacristy and then to the altar.
-->
I look past him toward the door leading out to the sacristy and then to the altar.
***
You really create a very palpable sense of tension in the church office, and help the reader identify with Thad's fear and perplexity. You have created some very believable characters with Thad and his family, and the stranger is quite an enigma. You have made him both repulsive and compelling. I am really wondering where this will go, and what Thad will be asked to do.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much for the corrections and the specific examples. I cannot tell you how helpful that was. I tend to write way too fast!
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You're very welcome, Judith. It's always great when someone appreciates my help. I do think your story is very interesting. May God bless you. Love, Mary Kay xoxo
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I need all the help I can get and this lovely place has been a goldmine. I truly appreciate it.
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, it is very interesting. Sort of like a fallen angel story, where a champion is found. The short sentences seem to be a choice of style. The short chapters are too short. I would lose them, and combine all this into chapter one, and then improve the space formatting.
Good work.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2021
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Hmm, it is very interesting. Sort of like a fallen angel story, where a champion is found. The short sentences seem to be a choice of style. The short chapters are too short. I would lose them, and combine all this into chapter one, and then improve the space formatting.
Good work.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much for your review. You are right, the short sentences are a style choice but you are, I think, also right about condensing the chapters. I think it loses something punchy in the breaks. Thank you that was helpful!
