The Chronicals Of Bethica: The Rise
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "The Chronicles Of Bethica"Abram must defeat a deadly humanoid race of beings
11 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
Seaweed for brains paints a vivid smattering of the mush between-the-ear types that I've come to know in the many years I've wandered this earth. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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Seaweed for brains paints a vivid smattering of the mush between-the-ear types that I've come to know in the many years I've wandered this earth. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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You sound to be well-traveled. Thanks, Rick.
Comment from duaneculbertson
Great work amhara!
It is difficult to write in the fantasy genre (I know how hard it is lol), but you do it well.
I have some suggestions for you to consider (just my thoughts - use them if helpful)
*struck the sound block => I would suggest the "sounding" block, but perhaps this is just personal preference.
"Cooler heads pulled them apart and continued to referee until they calmed." => I really like this line - nice work :)
I am curious who the "pompous fool" was - and it bumps me out of the story slightly, because I want to know what he said that made him considered pompous and precipitated the assault. I would consider dramatizing this further. Perhaps if we could hear the phrase that prompted the assault that would solve my yearning.
"Each had a different story roaming in their heads." => I would say roaming through their heads - but this is probably just a matter of style; you can tell me what you think. To me, roaming implies movement - and moving through something seems better than moving in something - just a thought - please let me know if you agree, because I am curious if my thinking is correct.
I enjoy your writing style. I can really get a sense of the world you have created. And I enjoy how you have captured the hopes and dreams of many in the novel - as they all congregate at the meeting. This is well-done.
"Unfortunately, being poor and having hopes and dreams weren't the criteria for a seat." - this is pure gold - I try to put as many of these phrases in my work as well.
I am certainly interested in learning more about the Paradise trip, and will consider reading more of your chapters.
You really have done a nice job capturing the flavor of the world. And, as I said before, I really appreciate how difficult this is to do, because I strive to do this in my novel.
It is exciting to review your work, since I know you review many of my chapters. It is nice to return the favor, and I feel we can really help each other in this forum.
Best,
Dave
reply by the author on 29-May-2021
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Great work amhara!
It is difficult to write in the fantasy genre (I know how hard it is lol), but you do it well.
I have some suggestions for you to consider (just my thoughts - use them if helpful)
*struck the sound block => I would suggest the "sounding" block, but perhaps this is just personal preference.
"Cooler heads pulled them apart and continued to referee until they calmed." => I really like this line - nice work :)
I am curious who the "pompous fool" was - and it bumps me out of the story slightly, because I want to know what he said that made him considered pompous and precipitated the assault. I would consider dramatizing this further. Perhaps if we could hear the phrase that prompted the assault that would solve my yearning.
"Each had a different story roaming in their heads." => I would say roaming through their heads - but this is probably just a matter of style; you can tell me what you think. To me, roaming implies movement - and moving through something seems better than moving in something - just a thought - please let me know if you agree, because I am curious if my thinking is correct.
I enjoy your writing style. I can really get a sense of the world you have created. And I enjoy how you have captured the hopes and dreams of many in the novel - as they all congregate at the meeting. This is well-done.
"Unfortunately, being poor and having hopes and dreams weren't the criteria for a seat." - this is pure gold - I try to put as many of these phrases in my work as well.
I am certainly interested in learning more about the Paradise trip, and will consider reading more of your chapters.
You really have done a nice job capturing the flavor of the world. And, as I said before, I really appreciate how difficult this is to do, because I strive to do this in my novel.
It is exciting to review your work, since I know you review many of my chapters. It is nice to return the favor, and I feel we can really help each other in this forum.
Best,
Dave
Comment Written 29-May-2021
reply by the author on 29-May-2021
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Thank you so much, Dave, for taking a real interest in my story. I truly appreciate you taking the time to point out want you liked and what you feel can improve my writing. Frist, the sound block is called a Sound Block that the judge hits with a wooden gravel. I researched it again to make sure. Second, the pompous fool...is "Show not Tell" I wanted to show some unruliness rather than to tell. But I will revisit it if you like. Third, roaming [in] vs [through] I may change that after reading it a couple more times. I was thinking, like, roaming in the desert was ok so why not roaming in the mind. lol You've given me a lot to think about and consider, so thanks again. Also thanks for pointing out parts you liked. It's very encouraging.
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Great! I am happy my comments were useful. That is interesting about the sound block - I would not have expected that would be its name. Much of writing it style and preference, but if you hear the same thing from many people it is usually good to heed the advice. That is what I try to do, unless I really love something I've written and then it is a choice of art versus what is going to sell. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!
Dave
Comment from Jay Squires
I don't know, Amara, but your story has *EPIC* written all over it. I can picture it as a huge Hollywood production like they used to produce in the 50s and 60s. "Ben Hur" comes to mind. There is a mythos that surrounds your novel.
Here are some notes I made while I read along.
"Citizens! Citizens!" the Justice pleaded. [After reading his dialogue, I'm convinced it's more of a warning than a plea.]
"The men I hire are special; most are unmarried, [I don't know whether or not it's intentional, but after a semicolon, only have one space. I noticed it earlier but I figured it wouldn't happen again, but it did. The first one happened in the 4th paragraph after the scene break: "housed the space for cooking; down from the cooking area, ...]
and carry a years supply of food and other goods, [... carry a YEAR'S supply ...]
home; only soldiers and street cleaners remained. [Another extra space after a semicolon. I'm just pointing these out for your benefit. I'm not judging because I know FanStory's Editnazi is always busy behind the scenes wreaking havoc.]
me and the servants had to make to the well? [I don't know whether it is intentional or not, but grammatically it would be "the SERVANTS AND I had to make to the well? But since it's dialogue, I can only call it to your attention, in case it's not intentional.]
reply by the author on 28-May-2021
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I don't know, Amara, but your story has *EPIC* written all over it. I can picture it as a huge Hollywood production like they used to produce in the 50s and 60s. "Ben Hur" comes to mind. There is a mythos that surrounds your novel.
Here are some notes I made while I read along.
"Citizens! Citizens!" the Justice pleaded. [After reading his dialogue, I'm convinced it's more of a warning than a plea.]
"The men I hire are special; most are unmarried, [I don't know whether or not it's intentional, but after a semicolon, only have one space. I noticed it earlier but I figured it wouldn't happen again, but it did. The first one happened in the 4th paragraph after the scene break: "housed the space for cooking; down from the cooking area, ...]
and carry a years supply of food and other goods, [... carry a YEAR'S supply ...]
home; only soldiers and street cleaners remained. [Another extra space after a semicolon. I'm just pointing these out for your benefit. I'm not judging because I know FanStory's Editnazi is always busy behind the scenes wreaking havoc.]
me and the servants had to make to the well? [I don't know whether it is intentional or not, but grammatically it would be "the SERVANTS AND I had to make to the well? But since it's dialogue, I can only call it to your attention, in case it's not intentional.]
Comment Written 28-May-2021
reply by the author on 28-May-2021
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You could be right about the warning, Jay, but I'll have to think some on that one; he pleads with them to stop before he has to do something more serious. My characters don't have to speak correct grammar, but here you're right. Brehira is married to a Lord...so you are correct. The dialogue, grammar, and mechanics will be correct. Thanks, Jay. I appreciate you...really. Also, I'm using Advanced Editor and the spell-check has a demon.
Comment from Erika Seshadri
Wow, this is so creative. It's also very well-written. One of my main complaints about stories like this is that sometimes with the unique names, it's hard to keep straight who is who. BUT, you do a great job of not introducing too many characters at once so it's much easier to keep track.
I look forward to seeing what comes next on this adventure!
Have a great night.
reply by the author on 27-May-2021
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Wow, this is so creative. It's also very well-written. One of my main complaints about stories like this is that sometimes with the unique names, it's hard to keep straight who is who. BUT, you do a great job of not introducing too many characters at once so it's much easier to keep track.
I look forward to seeing what comes next on this adventure!
Have a great night.
Comment Written 27-May-2021
reply by the author on 27-May-2021
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Thank you very much. I appreciate your comment.
Comment from Zan Zan
"Get out of my way, you pompous fool!" a man shouted, shoving a short bearded man to the floor then taking his place in line" - lol, I liked this .
You have my five stars. blessings to everything you put your hands to
reply by the author on 26-May-2021
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"Get out of my way, you pompous fool!" a man shouted, shoving a short bearded man to the floor then taking his place in line" - lol, I liked this .
You have my five stars. blessings to everything you put your hands to
Comment Written 26-May-2021
reply by the author on 26-May-2021
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Thank you for taking the time to review. Glad you liked that line.
Comment from royowen
So, the group of extremely fortunate and talented people embarking on a voyage of discovery are disembarking to find and occupy climes beyond the realms of where they were. The ship is adequate for transporting, fighting and providing. Beautifully written Amahra, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 26-May-2021
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So, the group of extremely fortunate and talented people embarking on a voyage of discovery are disembarking to find and occupy climes beyond the realms of where they were. The ship is adequate for transporting, fighting and providing. Beautifully written Amahra, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 26-May-2021
reply by the author on 26-May-2021
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Thank you, Roy. Really appreciate you.
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Most welcome
Comment from Judy Lawless
You've done a fine job of creating these colourful characters, Amahra. I think it's going to be an interesting trip. Well done.
I found a couple of spags: "There were(was) less shoving..."
"On the same level was where the weapons were kept, and next to them, a berth which houses the ones who would use them." - The sentence is a little awkward. I suggest this: "On the same level, the weapons were kept, and next to them, a berth which houses(housed) the ones who would use them."
reply by the author on 26-May-2021
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You've done a fine job of creating these colourful characters, Amahra. I think it's going to be an interesting trip. Well done.
I found a couple of spags: "There were(was) less shoving..."
"On the same level was where the weapons were kept, and next to them, a berth which houses the ones who would use them." - The sentence is a little awkward. I suggest this: "On the same level, the weapons were kept, and next to them, a berth which houses(housed) the ones who would use them."
Comment Written 26-May-2021
reply by the author on 26-May-2021
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Thank you, Judy. You're right. I'll make those changes. And thanks for taking the time to read my chapter. Really appreciate you.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
Your story is quite well-written and interesting. Although I haven't read previous chapters, it was easy to pick up on people and events. You have a few places where you have used the wrong tense of a verb but otherwise you are a good writer.
reply by the author on 26-May-2021
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Your story is quite well-written and interesting. Although I haven't read previous chapters, it was easy to pick up on people and events. You have a few places where you have used the wrong tense of a verb but otherwise you are a good writer.
Comment Written 26-May-2021
reply by the author on 26-May-2021
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Thank you. But you are free to point these errors out. I do miss things sometimes. It's hard to edit yourself. One needs fresh eyes.
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There are very few of those errors and I'm a bit rushed for time but enjoyed reading you poem.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This Chapter 4 of the Fantasy Fiction speaks expressively thru' a fantastic chronicle taletelling, and dramatic plot development, showing crime/evils never wins; ends with a chivalric declaration; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-May-2021
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This Chapter 4 of the Fantasy Fiction speaks expressively thru' a fantastic chronicle taletelling, and dramatic plot development, showing crime/evils never wins; ends with a chivalric declaration; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-May-2021
reply by the author on 26-May-2021
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Thank you so much.
Comment from justafan
My goodness this was a great read! I am excited for future chapters and the unseeable challenges that will be faced.
Brilliant work.
Thank you for sharing
Always
Justafan of yours
Missy
reply by the author on 26-May-2021
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My goodness this was a great read! I am excited for future chapters and the unseeable challenges that will be faced.
Brilliant work.
Thank you for sharing
Always
Justafan of yours
Missy
Comment Written 25-May-2021
reply by the author on 26-May-2021
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Thank you very much. So glad you enjoyed it. Working on next chapter now.