The Mission (Scene 1)
A Play in Free Verse22 total reviews
Comment from kmoss
I did enjoy this scene. The details paint a vivid picture. But I'm confused as to how this relates to Cornelius. I must have missed something. Hmm. I'll have to read again.
(Extra points for the part about the silly writing website).
I think this would sound better with the word the in place of the first that:
That part of him
that was, at his core, authentic then
would be blasphemy if not authentic now.
He could no more not do it that day
reply by the author on 19-May-2021
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I did enjoy this scene. The details paint a vivid picture. But I'm confused as to how this relates to Cornelius. I must have missed something. Hmm. I'll have to read again.
(Extra points for the part about the silly writing website).
I think this would sound better with the word the in place of the first that:
That part of him
that was, at his core, authentic then
would be blasphemy if not authentic now.
He could no more not do it that day
Comment Written 19-May-2021
reply by the author on 19-May-2021
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This has nothing to do with Cornelius, Krystal. An entirely different play. But, geez! Thanks for the six and for enjoying this. If you keep your eyes open a week from Saturday, the final scene will post and it should fall into perspective.
I will take a close look at that suggestion.
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Oh it says Genius In Love in the description, Jay!
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A Play in Free Verse
A chapter in the book Genius in Love
The Mission (Scene 1)
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OMG! I know now how it happened, but I don't know how to fix it. It's moot anyway. But you'll only understand that when you read scene 2 of The Mission (after it's been retitled "The Sins of the Grandfather".
Thank you, though for bringing it to my attention.
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Ok. I thought that was probably the case but I was excited to read the next scene for Cornelius and then realized it wasn?t about him and also realized I missed his last scene. Lol
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At least we got the matter straightened out, donut!
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Lol. :)
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Jay,
I think it's going to take Scene 2 before I'm able to fully understand what's going on here. I believe an old man has recently died.
It seems to me that Jay's grandfather has asked him to find Betty, and tell her that he always loved her. His departure had been a huge mistake. An abandonment. And he's sending his scribe to try and right the wrong. He wanted her to know the truth. Maybe he wanted her to add to his poem (which his grandson knew by heart, I might add). Through this whole scene, she was doing just that.
As I read your play, I kept thinking of the old woman in the highly successful 1997 movie, "Titanic"... Rose Calvert, played by Gloria Stuart. I pictured her as "Bett", climbing the hill in her old age, where (I loved this part)... "If you don't mind, I'll just have you
pry me from the prison of this rock and if I
succeed in straightening out these ancient legs
and convince my egg-shell knees
to bear my weight ... ". She fights two battles during this scene. First, it's the climb. Perhaps, she shouldn't have accepted this young man's invitation to climb a mountain where "peaks eat endlessly the valley somewhere beneath the smoldering plain." And second, it's digging up those painful memories... remembering Jay's grandfather, the impetuous poet, and how he would "entwine his hand with mine and drone a humdrum bramble of mundanities."
I think the set for this play would be quite elaborate. How to turn a stage into a mountain peak, with trails and boulders, shrubs and "mounds of spongy pine needles", yet portray a certain height to an audience that will have to rely on imagination for distant peaks. It can be done. But only with brilliant stage hands. They did it for Shakespeare's plays. And your poetic lines remind me so much of one in particular... "A Midsummer Night's Dream". Actually, though this scene has only two actors, young Jay and the much older Bett, you could envision a third actor... magical Puck, Jay's grandfather. It's like his ghost is right there with the pair, as they recite parts of his poem,
"Let us linger a moment more
I promise then we'll go;
A moment more to gaze
Across that ancient spread. See?
Those distant and marvelous peaks?
See them there? Those peaks--
Which eat endlessly the valley
Somewhere beneath the smoldering plain."
So much talent, Jay! I have to wonder... did your grandfather ever confide in you about a lost love before he passed away?
Nicely penned, Will Shakespeare! Looking forward to the next offering!
Cheers,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 19-May-2021
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Hi Jay,
I think it's going to take Scene 2 before I'm able to fully understand what's going on here. I believe an old man has recently died.
It seems to me that Jay's grandfather has asked him to find Betty, and tell her that he always loved her. His departure had been a huge mistake. An abandonment. And he's sending his scribe to try and right the wrong. He wanted her to know the truth. Maybe he wanted her to add to his poem (which his grandson knew by heart, I might add). Through this whole scene, she was doing just that.
As I read your play, I kept thinking of the old woman in the highly successful 1997 movie, "Titanic"... Rose Calvert, played by Gloria Stuart. I pictured her as "Bett", climbing the hill in her old age, where (I loved this part)... "If you don't mind, I'll just have you
pry me from the prison of this rock and if I
succeed in straightening out these ancient legs
and convince my egg-shell knees
to bear my weight ... ". She fights two battles during this scene. First, it's the climb. Perhaps, she shouldn't have accepted this young man's invitation to climb a mountain where "peaks eat endlessly the valley somewhere beneath the smoldering plain." And second, it's digging up those painful memories... remembering Jay's grandfather, the impetuous poet, and how he would "entwine his hand with mine and drone a humdrum bramble of mundanities."
I think the set for this play would be quite elaborate. How to turn a stage into a mountain peak, with trails and boulders, shrubs and "mounds of spongy pine needles", yet portray a certain height to an audience that will have to rely on imagination for distant peaks. It can be done. But only with brilliant stage hands. They did it for Shakespeare's plays. And your poetic lines remind me so much of one in particular... "A Midsummer Night's Dream". Actually, though this scene has only two actors, young Jay and the much older Bett, you could envision a third actor... magical Puck, Jay's grandfather. It's like his ghost is right there with the pair, as they recite parts of his poem,
"Let us linger a moment more
I promise then we'll go;
A moment more to gaze
Across that ancient spread. See?
Those distant and marvelous peaks?
See them there? Those peaks--
Which eat endlessly the valley
Somewhere beneath the smoldering plain."
So much talent, Jay! I have to wonder... did your grandfather ever confide in you about a lost love before he passed away?
Nicely penned, Will Shakespeare! Looking forward to the next offering!
Cheers,
Kimbob
Comment Written 19-May-2021
reply by the author on 19-May-2021
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God, Kimbob. You don't need scene two to know exactly what I had intended the first scene to portray. But scene two will answer all the lingering questions, except whether it was autobiographical. I think I was inspired in its writing, though, and I say that with all humility. Most of it was written as in a dream (I would like to think of Coleridge, but then blush just as I blush when so many have compared it with Shakespeare. But I think a similar muse escaped their two generations and visited me for a night or two, then departed, her little prank completed.
You were spot on, though, on every point, and you made them so eloquently, your words could be used as a prologue.
I'll be sweeping the dust out of the corners of scene two beginning today and have it posted a week from Saturday night (9:00 PM, LA time). I humbly think you'll want to read it.
Meanwhile, I can't thank you enough for your lovely words and that always appreciated sixth star!
Jay
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My supreme pleasure, Jay! You are an excellent writer.
Sincerely,
Kimbob
Comment from TheTurtleDude
This is a very nice scene. The dialogue and everything are great. It also sounds a bit poetic too. The mix with poetry is great! Looking forward to the next scene!
reply by the author on 18-May-2021
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This is a very nice scene. The dialogue and everything are great. It also sounds a bit poetic too. The mix with poetry is great! Looking forward to the next scene!
Comment Written 18-May-2021
reply by the author on 18-May-2021
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Thank you so much for your kind words and sparkly stars. You're no relation to Turtle, are you?
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Well actually, I have a pet turtle. That's the only relation I have with a turtle.
Comment from royowen
I like the setting, a clearing on a mountain, with an ageing lady called Betts, and a young man named as your namesake, talking about his grandfather who relationally know by Betts, what their mission is, I'm not sure, the dialogue is familiar to both characters. Like people with that age difference, they get on well. Well done, a nicely written script, blessings Roy
Typo : Most (of) his stuff.
reply by the author on 17-May-2021
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I like the setting, a clearing on a mountain, with an ageing lady called Betts, and a young man named as your namesake, talking about his grandfather who relationally know by Betts, what their mission is, I'm not sure, the dialogue is familiar to both characters. Like people with that age difference, they get on well. Well done, a nicely written script, blessings Roy
Typo : Most (of) his stuff.
Comment Written 17-May-2021
reply by the author on 17-May-2021
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Thank you so much, Roy. The Grandfather's name was also Jay, as was the protagonist's father. Bett is short for Betty. It's not the easiest to understand, I'll admit. It will clear up, I promise you, in the next, and last, scene.
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Well done
Comment from karenina
I confess that scripts are way above my pay grade. That being said, it is a sincerely meant compliment when I tell you I got lost within the lyrical, emotional, poetic lines here. I read it through... (Silly me)--and then went back and spoke it. Slowly. Out loud. I tasted the vowels, chewed on the syllables...considered every line. The very concept of a "free verse" script is luminescent! All I love about poetry woven into all I love about plays! Such a gift you have! I'll go out on a limb and say the descriptive passages between the dialogue were what floored me! Who knows how to write a sentence line:
"[And as he guides her toward the trail,
gingerly over the soggy leaves and needles--
her elbow as fragile as a bird in the nest of his palm--
he glimpses the glances
she tries, in the muted light, to hide]"
Right. Jay Squires. I regret I have but six stars to give for your effort!
I'm pretty convinced now. I want to be YOU when I grow up!
(smile)
Karenina
reply by the author on 17-May-2021
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I confess that scripts are way above my pay grade. That being said, it is a sincerely meant compliment when I tell you I got lost within the lyrical, emotional, poetic lines here. I read it through... (Silly me)--and then went back and spoke it. Slowly. Out loud. I tasted the vowels, chewed on the syllables...considered every line. The very concept of a "free verse" script is luminescent! All I love about poetry woven into all I love about plays! Such a gift you have! I'll go out on a limb and say the descriptive passages between the dialogue were what floored me! Who knows how to write a sentence line:
"[And as he guides her toward the trail,
gingerly over the soggy leaves and needles--
her elbow as fragile as a bird in the nest of his palm--
he glimpses the glances
she tries, in the muted light, to hide]"
Right. Jay Squires. I regret I have but six stars to give for your effort!
I'm pretty convinced now. I want to be YOU when I grow up!
(smile)
Karenina
Comment Written 17-May-2021
reply by the author on 17-May-2021
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Oh, Karenina, I wouldn't trade your words for a hundred sixes--okay, fifty sixes. You make me blush behind my giggles. But if you were to inherit my back today, you couldn't retract quick enough wanting to be me when you grow up. LOL, thanks, dear for reading and reacting so stunningly.
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What a delight this was to read! Excited to read the next post!--Karenina
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Jay,
I read through this free-verse play revamped. I enjoyed, and by the end... remembered this story from a long time ago, back when it was Rob and Betty, I believe. Yes... Robert... Or something. (Sometimes my brain scares me. Don't ask me what I was doing yesterday though... I freaking don't remember. : / )
I'm not sure if I know what a free-verse play is, so I might be trying to nudge the words into more play-like angle. While I was typing out suggestions, I thought... eh, only one or two is really needed (as they are typos) , the rest is just my resisting changes from your old way to the new way.
(In some ways... I think I found the original easier to read as a play, but I might just be nostalgic because I recall the other one I read, and enjoyed that one first. So big changes take time for me to adjust to)
I will admit, the main thing I resisted, was the dialogue tags in the play on top of the play-style tag's caused stumbles for me, wasn't sure you needed them, and they might have overall slowed the images and exchange flow in reading it ... seeing a stage in front of me. (I am okay with inserting the emotional inside thoughts that might not be in plays, and the physical tells that a person watching the play would never know)
I think you could keep the emotional additions and new formatting, but I think I liked the way the original flowed with motion and stage direction embedded in the words without the extra dialogue tags.
Formatting wise, I like the formatting you have here with the darkening of words and the parenthesis and brackets to give direction.
Yeah... lot's of the updates I like, only the dialogue tags in the play, that I wasn't sure about, but I don't know enough about playwriting.
All I can do is point out where I was stumbling.
My thoughts along the way:
The "seat" portion faces the audience but (is)? angled to the left enough that the sloping rear can be seen.
(I remember this... though I can't remember the details yet, but I recall liking it, and will likely start to remember more when I get into the details, considering that I recognize the scene.) The intro is clear...
Bett: Let's linger here a while(,) young man(,)
and within my flashlight's yellow arc,--typo missing vocative commas.
Ha, Jay... I remember suggesting to add the vocative comma before, too. As Bett is calling Jay 'young man'.
I guess I am nothing if not consistent. (Five years later, those vocative comma's never made it to the updates. Ha!)
You smile at my excesses!
(She has spoken a lot of excesses, as it feels part of her personality, I like that you allow her to point out her own quirk)
(And then she adds)< I think I am biased in not thinking these are needed; would prefer the motion or direction to beat pauses in her speaking, if it's needed otherwise.
a hike of a paltry mile to where we now take our rest.
(Her dialogue is a bit expository, but I can hear her saying this for the audiences benefit in way that is more common in play acting than in book dialogue)
(And in the beam of his light
she turns her head and eyes to him
[[as she throws him the prod]]?):
(wondered, is this needed? But wasn't too caught off by it)
Bett: You don't seem to share Jay's impetuosity.
(The image again gets clearer... a young man, and an older woman on a trip, where the woman is someone of import, thought the younger is polite, there is a chill about his behavior that adds curiosity to what he's there to do; except... I think her name was always Betty, but ... Jay was a different name, back then. Not Jay... It'll come to me. )
(And here she pauses to smile[[--he thinks
to punctuate the poetic excess of her coinage--
and so he uses the moment to interject]])
(Is this needed?)
{{{(She repeats to the twin mounds of
spongy pine needles the toes of her shoes
had formed, and then carefully kept apart):}}}}
(I don't know if she repeats, I was confused here.
I read this sentence multiple times, and I'm not sure what effect you are going for here.)
[[(And with tear-brimmed eyes, she adds):]]
(I wasn't sure having dialogue tags in the play format made this easier to read, I think I wanted it to still say:
Bett: (with tear-brimmed eyes) ..."Which eat endlessly
[with a square of linen she drew from her sleeve]
while he(Jay) watches and tries to envision the child
his Grandfather loved. And in a smaller voice
he asks):
and with a voice strained with the fatigue [[of(from)? the climb]]
she asks, trying to sound, he thinks, oblique and casual):
Bett: (huffing, but trying to sound causal)? How was it Jay mentioned me to you?
{{(Hesitantly, she offers):}}
Bett: (Hesitantly) He gave it to you to read?
(She is silent[, he reckons,] a full minute and
(why the he reckons?)
Jay: Perhaps. We'll never know. (would have liked a motion cue here. Did Jay look at her or startle on realizing he's answering a question different than what was intended?)
enough name. And your (dad's)Dad's?
(typo... because of the your) that is your dad. I call him Dad.
Oh, my. I offered a lot of poking at this piece, but the intrigue and unfolding of a young man with an older woman; slowly realizing this was a love lost, and a trek through time and understanding that the grandpa is gone is all solid.
I enjoyed reading, and there was also something in me that wanted to fix having those non-play dialogue tags sprinkled in with perfectly good play dialogue tag markers.
I say that while also being somewhat clueless about how plays should be formatted.
Either way, Jay... I want to read the second half of this play, as though I recall seeing once upon a time, a Robbie and Betty on this stage rock, I can't remember the conclusion.
reply by the author on 16-May-2021
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Hi, Jay,
I read through this free-verse play revamped. I enjoyed, and by the end... remembered this story from a long time ago, back when it was Rob and Betty, I believe. Yes... Robert... Or something. (Sometimes my brain scares me. Don't ask me what I was doing yesterday though... I freaking don't remember. : / )
I'm not sure if I know what a free-verse play is, so I might be trying to nudge the words into more play-like angle. While I was typing out suggestions, I thought... eh, only one or two is really needed (as they are typos) , the rest is just my resisting changes from your old way to the new way.
(In some ways... I think I found the original easier to read as a play, but I might just be nostalgic because I recall the other one I read, and enjoyed that one first. So big changes take time for me to adjust to)
I will admit, the main thing I resisted, was the dialogue tags in the play on top of the play-style tag's caused stumbles for me, wasn't sure you needed them, and they might have overall slowed the images and exchange flow in reading it ... seeing a stage in front of me. (I am okay with inserting the emotional inside thoughts that might not be in plays, and the physical tells that a person watching the play would never know)
I think you could keep the emotional additions and new formatting, but I think I liked the way the original flowed with motion and stage direction embedded in the words without the extra dialogue tags.
Formatting wise, I like the formatting you have here with the darkening of words and the parenthesis and brackets to give direction.
Yeah... lot's of the updates I like, only the dialogue tags in the play, that I wasn't sure about, but I don't know enough about playwriting.
All I can do is point out where I was stumbling.
My thoughts along the way:
The "seat" portion faces the audience but (is)? angled to the left enough that the sloping rear can be seen.
(I remember this... though I can't remember the details yet, but I recall liking it, and will likely start to remember more when I get into the details, considering that I recognize the scene.) The intro is clear...
Bett: Let's linger here a while(,) young man(,)
and within my flashlight's yellow arc,--typo missing vocative commas.
Ha, Jay... I remember suggesting to add the vocative comma before, too. As Bett is calling Jay 'young man'.
I guess I am nothing if not consistent. (Five years later, those vocative comma's never made it to the updates. Ha!)
You smile at my excesses!
(She has spoken a lot of excesses, as it feels part of her personality, I like that you allow her to point out her own quirk)
(And then she adds)< I think I am biased in not thinking these are needed; would prefer the motion or direction to beat pauses in her speaking, if it's needed otherwise.
a hike of a paltry mile to where we now take our rest.
(Her dialogue is a bit expository, but I can hear her saying this for the audiences benefit in way that is more common in play acting than in book dialogue)
(And in the beam of his light
she turns her head and eyes to him
[[as she throws him the prod]]?):
(wondered, is this needed? But wasn't too caught off by it)
Bett: You don't seem to share Jay's impetuosity.
(The image again gets clearer... a young man, and an older woman on a trip, where the woman is someone of import, thought the younger is polite, there is a chill about his behavior that adds curiosity to what he's there to do; except... I think her name was always Betty, but ... Jay was a different name, back then. Not Jay... It'll come to me. )
(And here she pauses to smile[[--he thinks
to punctuate the poetic excess of her coinage--
and so he uses the moment to interject]])
(Is this needed?)
{{{(She repeats to the twin mounds of
spongy pine needles the toes of her shoes
had formed, and then carefully kept apart):}}}}
(I don't know if she repeats, I was confused here.
I read this sentence multiple times, and I'm not sure what effect you are going for here.)
[[(And with tear-brimmed eyes, she adds):]]
(I wasn't sure having dialogue tags in the play format made this easier to read, I think I wanted it to still say:
Bett: (with tear-brimmed eyes) ..."Which eat endlessly
[with a square of linen she drew from her sleeve]
while he(Jay) watches and tries to envision the child
his Grandfather loved. And in a smaller voice
he asks):
and with a voice strained with the fatigue [[of(from)? the climb]]
she asks, trying to sound, he thinks, oblique and casual):
Bett: (huffing, but trying to sound causal)? How was it Jay mentioned me to you?
{{(Hesitantly, she offers):}}
Bett: (Hesitantly) He gave it to you to read?
(She is silent[, he reckons,] a full minute and
(why the he reckons?)
Jay: Perhaps. We'll never know. (would have liked a motion cue here. Did Jay look at her or startle on realizing he's answering a question different than what was intended?)
enough name. And your (dad's)Dad's?
(typo... because of the your) that is your dad. I call him Dad.
Oh, my. I offered a lot of poking at this piece, but the intrigue and unfolding of a young man with an older woman; slowly realizing this was a love lost, and a trek through time and understanding that the grandpa is gone is all solid.
I enjoyed reading, and there was also something in me that wanted to fix having those non-play dialogue tags sprinkled in with perfectly good play dialogue tag markers.
I say that while also being somewhat clueless about how plays should be formatted.
Either way, Jay... I want to read the second half of this play, as though I recall seeing once upon a time, a Robbie and Betty on this stage rock, I can't remember the conclusion.
Comment Written 16-May-2021
reply by the author on 16-May-2021
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First of all, you do have a marvelous long-term memory. Yes it was Rob and Betty (not Bett, I recall). The reason for the stage direction within the dialogue was more for the poetic tempo. In other words, it sounded good to me when I read it aloud. But I agree with you. And in the rewrite, I will remove them.
I love your comments as you read along. What I'm going to do is print out your review and lay it side-by-side with the play and decide that way.
Scene 2 (coming out in two weeks) will go by the former title, "The Sins of the Grandfather." I'll explain in a private message.
Thank you so much for being so expansive and helpful, Turtle. I don't think you know how valuable these are to me.
Comment from Judy Lawless
A Play in Free Verse - This title was unfamiliar to me. I didn't know what to expect, Jay. But you've done an excellent job of telling us this story in free verse. It says so much about the two characters and their relationship. I'll look for the next scene.
reply by the author on 16-May-2021
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A Play in Free Verse - This title was unfamiliar to me. I didn't know what to expect, Jay. But you've done an excellent job of telling us this story in free verse. It says so much about the two characters and their relationship. I'll look for the next scene.
Comment Written 16-May-2021
reply by the author on 16-May-2021
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Thank you, Judy. Were you expecting something in the Genius in Love play? I'm glad you enjoyed it. Part two has a kicker!
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No, I wasn?t expecting Genius in Love. I just had never heard of a play done in free verse poetry before. lol
Comment from BethShelby
This is a lovely scene. Much of the dialogue is very poetic. as these two move toward the top of the mountain. The first scene is enchanting and I'm looking forward the second scene. I think the needs to be read rather that acted out in our order to be fully appreciated.
reply by the author on 16-May-2021
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This is a lovely scene. Much of the dialogue is very poetic. as these two move toward the top of the mountain. The first scene is enchanting and I'm looking forward the second scene. I think the needs to be read rather that acted out in our order to be fully appreciated.
Comment Written 16-May-2021
reply by the author on 16-May-2021
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I agree with you about it needing to be read. I would hope the reader will read it aloud, but it's not made to be acted out.
Comment from Ulla
Oh, jay, this is beautiful. I wish I didn't have to say anymore, but the site wouldn't let me get away with that. I can't wait for the second part. The mix of poetry and prose is outstanding. Ulla:)))
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reply by the author on 16-May-2021
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Oh, jay, this is beautiful. I wish I didn't have to say anymore, but the site wouldn't let me get away with that. I can't wait for the second part. The mix of poetry and prose is outstanding. Ulla:)))
..
Comment Written 16-May-2021
reply by the author on 16-May-2021
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Thank you so much, Ulla. For the kind words and the lovely stars. It won't post for two weeks. Next week is the Genius play
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Now, I will miss your postings. But please, do tell. What is Genius play??
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I was referring to the "Genius in Love" play about Cornelius Plumb, the autistic lad.
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Ah, okay. I'm glad to hear that. Now I understand.
Comment from amahra
Again, I love the mixture of poetry and prose; and you have outdone yourself in scene one. Here are some lines that stood out for me.: "...voice strained with the fatigue of the climb; elbow resting like a bird's nest in his hand; she throws the light beam past his shoulders; eggshell knees. Also, I have to credit you for helping me with a word in my next chapter two post. I used the word handkerchief and thought, no...no one used that term in an ancient world. So I looked it up and decided on "square cloth" until you used "square linen here in your scene one. So, thank you. I'll change it to square linen.
reply by the author on 16-May-2021
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Again, I love the mixture of poetry and prose; and you have outdone yourself in scene one. Here are some lines that stood out for me.: "...voice strained with the fatigue of the climb; elbow resting like a bird's nest in his hand; she throws the light beam past his shoulders; eggshell knees. Also, I have to credit you for helping me with a word in my next chapter two post. I used the word handkerchief and thought, no...no one used that term in an ancient world. So I looked it up and decided on "square cloth" until you used "square linen here in your scene one. So, thank you. I'll change it to square linen.
Comment Written 16-May-2021
reply by the author on 16-May-2021
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Glad to help out with a square of linen, LOL. Thank you, Amahra for getting into the poetry so much. It was a challenge, but had its rewards.