The Spirit of the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Earth, Wind, and Fire"Newylwed homesteader Jane becomes a widow
10 total reviews
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Very unified tone throughout this chapter from beginning to end. It flowed very well. Boy, there is nothing like a religious 'should' that will start to alienate Standing Bear and others who may not have grown up with that.
Little fixes: The air was thin with brisk winds that cut to the bone and rattled my person.
I don't know if it's just me, but the word 'person' sounds a little too British here. Maybe substitute 'frame' or 'spine' or maybe just say 'cut to the bone and caused my teeth to rattle intermittently.'
We could see for miles. Snow-crowned peeks with pillars of clouds. But scaling down the forest floor and to be covered in the forest was vital.
These are three sentences have a couple of awkward spots, and they might make just as much sense if they were combined, especially since the second one is a fragment. Also check 'peaks' on spelling. Try:
We could see for miles--(long dash) snow-crowned peaks with pillars of clouds, but scaling down the forest and maintaining protective cover in the forest was vital.
As we dug in along a narrow path, the forest closed around us, shrouded in a mist with a mix of poplar trees and pines. No fixes here, I just liked the description.
Standing Bear stopped, he put his hands up and drew his knife.
You have a run-on sentence here. I would use a semi-colon instead of the comma after 'stopped' there.
As the mist broke, a brown bear and her cubs sniffed the air upwind of us coming down the mountain.
Great description, but it might be a little clearer like this:
As the mist broke, a brown bear and her cubs coming down the mountain sniffed the air upwind of us.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
  |
Very unified tone throughout this chapter from beginning to end. It flowed very well. Boy, there is nothing like a religious 'should' that will start to alienate Standing Bear and others who may not have grown up with that.
Little fixes: The air was thin with brisk winds that cut to the bone and rattled my person.
I don't know if it's just me, but the word 'person' sounds a little too British here. Maybe substitute 'frame' or 'spine' or maybe just say 'cut to the bone and caused my teeth to rattle intermittently.'
We could see for miles. Snow-crowned peeks with pillars of clouds. But scaling down the forest floor and to be covered in the forest was vital.
These are three sentences have a couple of awkward spots, and they might make just as much sense if they were combined, especially since the second one is a fragment. Also check 'peaks' on spelling. Try:
We could see for miles--(long dash) snow-crowned peaks with pillars of clouds, but scaling down the forest and maintaining protective cover in the forest was vital.
As we dug in along a narrow path, the forest closed around us, shrouded in a mist with a mix of poplar trees and pines. No fixes here, I just liked the description.
Standing Bear stopped, he put his hands up and drew his knife.
You have a run-on sentence here. I would use a semi-colon instead of the comma after 'stopped' there.
As the mist broke, a brown bear and her cubs sniffed the air upwind of us coming down the mountain.
Great description, but it might be a little clearer like this:
As the mist broke, a brown bear and her cubs coming down the mountain sniffed the air upwind of us.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
-
Thanks so much, Crystie. I appreciate the editing help. I definitely want to make those changes. You know how to make it flow even better!
Comment from Alaskastory
"Earth, Wind, and Fire" gives a good description of their route in the mountains. I did keep wondering how they keep strength without mentioning any source of food. Some statement about that is needed.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
 |
"Earth, Wind, and Fire" gives a good description of their route in the mountains. I did keep wondering how they keep strength without mentioning any source of food. Some statement about that is needed.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
-
Thanks Marie. They ate some jerky in the chapter before it. But snaring something sounds good.
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Stan.
Having just escaped their cave/prison, they head off the to the trail and are confronted with real bears. As I mentioned before I like your descriptive narrative and you do paint vivid images with words.
I was concerned about the Braves coming downstream and that there might be a confrontation with them. At least, the real bears moved out of the area to give them a little room to move around safely. There is also a relationship building between Little Deer and Jane.
Robert
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
|
Hello Stan.
Having just escaped their cave/prison, they head off the to the trail and are confronted with real bears. As I mentioned before I like your descriptive narrative and you do paint vivid images with words.
I was concerned about the Braves coming downstream and that there might be a confrontation with them. At least, the real bears moved out of the area to give them a little room to move around safely. There is also a relationship building between Little Deer and Jane.
Robert
Comment Written 07-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
-
Thanks Robert!
-
You're welcome
Comment from BethShelby
I am enjoying the story. Standing Bear is a a bad position when he can't return to the tribe, and he feels the white people will make he feel he doesn't belong there either. I hope her husband and the rest of the family are okay.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
|
I am enjoying the story. Standing Bear is a a bad position when he can't return to the tribe, and he feels the white people will make he feel he doesn't belong there either. I hope her husband and the rest of the family are okay.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
-
Thanks Beth
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
forestport12:
This is another fine chapter. As I read about
Little Bear's feelings as a halfbreed, I think
about all of the mixed-race students I have
worked with over the years who have shared
similar feelings.
Rdfrdmom2
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
|
forestport12:
This is another fine chapter. As I read about
Little Bear's feelings as a halfbreed, I think
about all of the mixed-race students I have
worked with over the years who have shared
similar feelings.
Rdfrdmom2
Comment Written 07-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
-
Thanks for the encouragement.
Comment from royowen
A decidedly touching episode, the emotional interplay between Little Deer, Standing Bear isn't resolvable unless Standing bear, who loves Little Deer, responds to her message, and now Jane's mind's turning to her boy back home, and who can blame her. Beautifully written My friend, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
|
A decidedly touching episode, the emotional interplay between Little Deer, Standing Bear isn't resolvable unless Standing bear, who loves Little Deer, responds to her message, and now Jane's mind's turning to her boy back home, and who can blame her. Beautifully written My friend, blessings Roy
Comment Written 07-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
-
Thanks Roy.
-
Welcome
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Startling and powerful, rife with rich imagery. Stunning closer.
in intro: widower=>WIDOW (female) I thought you'd already fixed this!
It seemed no one in their right mind, not even a mountain goat [COMMA] would take our path.
My chief desire has been to shed [OMIT: notoriety and (implies infamy)]
light on those women of true grit and faith who faced horrific consequences as hearty pioneers of an untamed west.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
|
Startling and powerful, rife with rich imagery. Stunning closer.
in intro: widower=>WIDOW (female) I thought you'd already fixed this!
It seemed no one in their right mind, not even a mountain goat [COMMA] would take our path.
My chief desire has been to shed [OMIT: notoriety and (implies infamy)]
light on those women of true grit and faith who faced horrific consequences as hearty pioneers of an untamed west.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
-
Thanks for all your help Liz
Comment from Mistydawn
The poor things have been through so much and still have so far to go. Your chapter is well-written, interesting, suspenseful. You painted a grave image of their situation in our minds. The threats that lurk all around them as well as being hunted by the tribe. Like always, I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
|
The poor things have been through so much and still have so far to go. Your chapter is well-written, interesting, suspenseful. You painted a grave image of their situation in our minds. The threats that lurk all around them as well as being hunted by the tribe. Like always, I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
-
Thanks Misty
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
I like this Western Fiction and have enjoyed the taletelling (6******) about objects in Nature, brief and balanced plot development, realistic touch of dramatic characters; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
|
I like this Western Fiction and have enjoyed the taletelling (6******) about objects in Nature, brief and balanced plot development, realistic touch of dramatic characters; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 07-Feb-2021
Comment from Susan Newell
This is a good story line, but I have to be honest and say that the writing needs a lot of work. When I was in a writers' group, the most often used admonition was, "Show, don't tell." I would love to be able to sit with you and coach you through paragraph by paragraph, but this site isn't designed for that. Another admonition was, "Keep it tight," meaning don't use any more words than necessary. I am going to use your second paragraph as an example to show you what I mean. What you want to do is convey the experience so that readers can "be there," not as observers, but almost as participants, and you want to keep the story moving.
How you might better express what you have written:
The splash of hooves crossing the stream below alerted us to a small hunting party on the move. The dull thumps of the hooves, now out of the stream and following the game trail, signaled relief. We were not the intended prey. But the relief was temporary. We knew it was only a matter of time before the village discovered our escape and found the lifeless body of Stomping Bull, son of the Brule chief. Standing Bear and Little Deer spoke with only their eyes and hands. I didn't need to hear words to know they were talking about how to put as much distance as possible between us and our former captors.
I hope that you can see the difference between you hearing splashes, and the splashes alerting you, etc. It takes practice to learn to examine every line and see how you might better show the circumstances rather than tell about them.
I hope this is accepted with the good will in which it is given. I don't believe in just saying, "Great!" when it isn't. I think your topic of tough frontier women is a good one, and you seem to be developing an interesting plot. You have great potential, but high-quality writing takes hard work and a lot of thought.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2021
 |
This is a good story line, but I have to be honest and say that the writing needs a lot of work. When I was in a writers' group, the most often used admonition was, "Show, don't tell." I would love to be able to sit with you and coach you through paragraph by paragraph, but this site isn't designed for that. Another admonition was, "Keep it tight," meaning don't use any more words than necessary. I am going to use your second paragraph as an example to show you what I mean. What you want to do is convey the experience so that readers can "be there," not as observers, but almost as participants, and you want to keep the story moving.
How you might better express what you have written:
The splash of hooves crossing the stream below alerted us to a small hunting party on the move. The dull thumps of the hooves, now out of the stream and following the game trail, signaled relief. We were not the intended prey. But the relief was temporary. We knew it was only a matter of time before the village discovered our escape and found the lifeless body of Stomping Bull, son of the Brule chief. Standing Bear and Little Deer spoke with only their eyes and hands. I didn't need to hear words to know they were talking about how to put as much distance as possible between us and our former captors.
I hope that you can see the difference between you hearing splashes, and the splashes alerting you, etc. It takes practice to learn to examine every line and see how you might better show the circumstances rather than tell about them.
I hope this is accepted with the good will in which it is given. I don't believe in just saying, "Great!" when it isn't. I think your topic of tough frontier women is a good one, and you seem to be developing an interesting plot. You have great potential, but high-quality writing takes hard work and a lot of thought.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2021
-
I'm sure it needs work and good advice. You have some good advice, but I don't need your ultimate approval. I won a contest of 530 entries once in 2012. Deep River publisher. The book is Miracle on Snowbird Lake. That was no small thing and my rating on amazon is 4.5. Having said that, I don't mind help. But in your words, you treat me like you assume I'm a beginning writer. It is true that you found some old bad habits in my writing for which I'm grateful.
-
Agreed, that you don't need my approval. I'm sorry if you were offended. I was not assessing your accomplishments, only what was in front of me. How you choose to write is up to you.