The Spirit of the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Honeymoon Hell"Newylwed homesteader Jane becomes a widow
15 total reviews
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Great chapter. As usual, your nearly-lyrical flow draws the reader in.
Little fixes, because I expect this to be publication-ready:
But Redhawk called them out in their Lakota tongue where they stuck out like sore thumbs and hardly enough clothing to cover their cinnamon skin.
Sounds like a run-on. Try:
But Redhawk called them out in their Lakota tongue.
When they came into full view, they stuck out like sore thumbs with hardly enough clothing to cover their cinnamon skin.
We gained ground on the melting sun over the mountains when we could see the reflection of the flickering crops of rocks and how they seemed to turn into gold.
Borderline run-on. Easy fix: I would try:
We gained ground on the melting sun over the mountains. We could see the reflection of the flickering crops of rocks and how they seemed to turn into gold.
As the sun disappeared, we'd set up camp and had a healthy fire of flaming tongues into a starlit sky.
Something about this is awkward, as if one word or phrase is missing. Try saying 'a healthy fire of flaming tongues lapping upward, as if trying to taste the starlit sky.'
The horses were tethered between trees where the men took turns on watch.
I would add a comma after trees.
And then there was Redhawk who brought his adopted son, Joseph, a half-breed like himself.
I think I would add a comma after Redhawk.
Satisfied that there were no rogue Indians or roving bands of confederates, we settled down.
Capitalize Confederates.
Thad played his harmonica, as Jake and I escaped into the evening with our own lantern to be sure we would not miss a step on a rock ledge to the bluff where our private tent could make us feel alone and on top of the world.
Great details, but it's a run-on or else just a bit long. Try:
Thad played his harmonica, so Jake and I escaped into the evening with our own lantern to be sure we would not miss a step on a rock ledge. Our goal was to quickly reach the bluff, where our private tent could make us feel alone and on top of the world.
Jake and I took turns glassing the Rocky Mountains in the distance across the plains.
I think 'glassing' doesn't sound right. Is this a synonym for 'scanning' maybe?
There was no sense of danger and hardly the place given to threats.
Something about this is lacking parallelism. Try: Since this place was hardly given to threats, there was no sense of danger.
We sat there in the morning sun warming our backs where I buried my chin Jake's shoulder.
Try:
We sat there in the morning sun, warming our backs, where I buried my chin in Jake's shoulder.
I held my ground on a ledge and carved my name, Jane Taylor McCord. 1864.
I kind of think I would do either a long dash after the word 'name' or else a colon. So: I held my ground on a ledge and carved my name: Jane Taylor McCord, 1864.
As I surveyed and watched I caught Jake swimming or slipping into the reeds, as if he meant to hide himself.
Just add a comma after watched.
It was then there was only faint whisper of wind. And no other sound. A deathly quiet.
I am going to assume you want fragments here to show that the natural flow of things was interrupted by this odd silence.
But there was pit in my stomach fear swished inside.
Something about this sounds awkward. Try: But fear swished inside a pit in my stomach.
As I rounded the corner I saw Thad's body between scrub brushes!
I would put a comma after corner.
His head scalped and bloodied.
This is a fragment. Add 'was' after head.
Fear thundered in me. My heart clenched inside. I dropped down beside him and looked into his dead eyes. "It's my fault, Thad. My fault."
Mercifully, when we were but a speck on the horizon, one of the Indians who had my honey-haired mare, spun off the horse, held his knife over me and cut the tethered rope.
I think try:
Mercifully, when we were but a speck on the horizon, the Indian who had taken my honey-haired mare spun off the horse, held his knife over me, and cut the tethered rope.
Boy, this plotline sure got deep, thick, and dangerous. That will keep the reader going, all right.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2020
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Great chapter. As usual, your nearly-lyrical flow draws the reader in.
Little fixes, because I expect this to be publication-ready:
But Redhawk called them out in their Lakota tongue where they stuck out like sore thumbs and hardly enough clothing to cover their cinnamon skin.
Sounds like a run-on. Try:
But Redhawk called them out in their Lakota tongue.
When they came into full view, they stuck out like sore thumbs with hardly enough clothing to cover their cinnamon skin.
We gained ground on the melting sun over the mountains when we could see the reflection of the flickering crops of rocks and how they seemed to turn into gold.
Borderline run-on. Easy fix: I would try:
We gained ground on the melting sun over the mountains. We could see the reflection of the flickering crops of rocks and how they seemed to turn into gold.
As the sun disappeared, we'd set up camp and had a healthy fire of flaming tongues into a starlit sky.
Something about this is awkward, as if one word or phrase is missing. Try saying 'a healthy fire of flaming tongues lapping upward, as if trying to taste the starlit sky.'
The horses were tethered between trees where the men took turns on watch.
I would add a comma after trees.
And then there was Redhawk who brought his adopted son, Joseph, a half-breed like himself.
I think I would add a comma after Redhawk.
Satisfied that there were no rogue Indians or roving bands of confederates, we settled down.
Capitalize Confederates.
Thad played his harmonica, as Jake and I escaped into the evening with our own lantern to be sure we would not miss a step on a rock ledge to the bluff where our private tent could make us feel alone and on top of the world.
Great details, but it's a run-on or else just a bit long. Try:
Thad played his harmonica, so Jake and I escaped into the evening with our own lantern to be sure we would not miss a step on a rock ledge. Our goal was to quickly reach the bluff, where our private tent could make us feel alone and on top of the world.
Jake and I took turns glassing the Rocky Mountains in the distance across the plains.
I think 'glassing' doesn't sound right. Is this a synonym for 'scanning' maybe?
There was no sense of danger and hardly the place given to threats.
Something about this is lacking parallelism. Try: Since this place was hardly given to threats, there was no sense of danger.
We sat there in the morning sun warming our backs where I buried my chin Jake's shoulder.
Try:
We sat there in the morning sun, warming our backs, where I buried my chin in Jake's shoulder.
I held my ground on a ledge and carved my name, Jane Taylor McCord. 1864.
I kind of think I would do either a long dash after the word 'name' or else a colon. So: I held my ground on a ledge and carved my name: Jane Taylor McCord, 1864.
As I surveyed and watched I caught Jake swimming or slipping into the reeds, as if he meant to hide himself.
Just add a comma after watched.
It was then there was only faint whisper of wind. And no other sound. A deathly quiet.
I am going to assume you want fragments here to show that the natural flow of things was interrupted by this odd silence.
But there was pit in my stomach fear swished inside.
Something about this sounds awkward. Try: But fear swished inside a pit in my stomach.
As I rounded the corner I saw Thad's body between scrub brushes!
I would put a comma after corner.
His head scalped and bloodied.
This is a fragment. Add 'was' after head.
Fear thundered in me. My heart clenched inside. I dropped down beside him and looked into his dead eyes. "It's my fault, Thad. My fault."
Mercifully, when we were but a speck on the horizon, one of the Indians who had my honey-haired mare, spun off the horse, held his knife over me and cut the tethered rope.
I think try:
Mercifully, when we were but a speck on the horizon, the Indian who had taken my honey-haired mare spun off the horse, held his knife over me, and cut the tethered rope.
Boy, this plotline sure got deep, thick, and dangerous. That will keep the reader going, all right.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2020
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Thanks a billion Crystie. I'm saving the other message with your editing suggestions so I can make changes. I have someone that will do a full edit when I'm finished. But with your help, she won't be overwhelmed with a ton of fixes. I strive for lyrical and descriptive phrases. But it is true that one weakness I have is to create too lengthy sentences when short and simple is best. You are a blessing!!!
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No problem. I have a tendency to write too long of sentences in my free verse poems, so it's something I have to work on, too.
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
You wicked, wicked, evil man. You just sprung that right on top of us with no warning -- exactly as it happened to these poor folks. I don't like that one bit, you ol' ornery cuss!
BUT - it sure makes for fine story-telling. --wink--
There are a few notes below - but primarily, what I saw was several places where you really need to streamline these sentences and get the story down to the bare bones - here's just a couple examples:
1.) And then there was Redhawk who brought his adopted son, Joseph, a half-breed like himself.
--> you already told us this in the opening
2.) The smell of hickory smoke and ash burned from the campfire below and rose up to greet us.
--> delete 'burned'
3.) I watched Jake disappear down along craggy rocks.
--> delete 'along'
4.) I decided it was time for me to take my carving knife and slip up along the side on a ledge and mark my name down.
--> I decided to grab my carving knife, slip alongside the ledge, and mark my own name on the bluff. (or similar)
Other:
5.) Jake kissed me with his minted breadth.
--> it's first thing in the morning and you haven't mentioned any minty secrets - how is this? Did I miss something from before?
6.) We sat there in the morning sun warming our backs where I buried my chin Jake's shoulder.
--> edit? ('WHILE I buried my chin ON Jake's shoulder?)
7.) A lump caught my throat. "Best be careful, Jake."
--> since you just used the 'best' phrase in the paragraph above, maybe eliminate/edit this place or the one before?
8.) But there was (a) pit in (the center of) my stomach (as) fear swished inside.
9.) They tied a rope around my wrist and pulled me along the with one of our stolen horses.
--> surely it's around both wrists?
--> delete 'the' after 'along'
10.) Mercifully, when we were but a speck on the horizon, one of the Indians
--> she can't say this about herself -- maybe when their old CAMPSITE was a speck?
11.) I looked over my burning shoulder in the distance and prayed my husband
--> only one shoulder?
I always enjoy your writing, Stan, my sweet and talented friend, but I think you need to get a lot meaner with your editing. *smile* Even though you're writing some really great stuff, when you chop, chop, chop it down, you end up with only the best and brightest nuggets, you know?
The story is coming along well. I am certainly enjoying it, obviously - and regardless of the notes - this is still well worth that five. Thanks, buddy!
 |
Stan,
You wicked, wicked, evil man. You just sprung that right on top of us with no warning -- exactly as it happened to these poor folks. I don't like that one bit, you ol' ornery cuss!
BUT - it sure makes for fine story-telling. --wink--
There are a few notes below - but primarily, what I saw was several places where you really need to streamline these sentences and get the story down to the bare bones - here's just a couple examples:
1.) And then there was Redhawk who brought his adopted son, Joseph, a half-breed like himself.
--> you already told us this in the opening
2.) The smell of hickory smoke and ash burned from the campfire below and rose up to greet us.
--> delete 'burned'
3.) I watched Jake disappear down along craggy rocks.
--> delete 'along'
4.) I decided it was time for me to take my carving knife and slip up along the side on a ledge and mark my name down.
--> I decided to grab my carving knife, slip alongside the ledge, and mark my own name on the bluff. (or similar)
Other:
5.) Jake kissed me with his minted breadth.
--> it's first thing in the morning and you haven't mentioned any minty secrets - how is this? Did I miss something from before?
6.) We sat there in the morning sun warming our backs where I buried my chin Jake's shoulder.
--> edit? ('WHILE I buried my chin ON Jake's shoulder?)
7.) A lump caught my throat. "Best be careful, Jake."
--> since you just used the 'best' phrase in the paragraph above, maybe eliminate/edit this place or the one before?
8.) But there was (a) pit in (the center of) my stomach (as) fear swished inside.
9.) They tied a rope around my wrist and pulled me along the with one of our stolen horses.
--> surely it's around both wrists?
--> delete 'the' after 'along'
10.) Mercifully, when we were but a speck on the horizon, one of the Indians
--> she can't say this about herself -- maybe when their old CAMPSITE was a speck?
11.) I looked over my burning shoulder in the distance and prayed my husband
--> only one shoulder?
I always enjoy your writing, Stan, my sweet and talented friend, but I think you need to get a lot meaner with your editing. *smile* Even though you're writing some really great stuff, when you chop, chop, chop it down, you end up with only the best and brightest nuggets, you know?
The story is coming along well. I am certainly enjoying it, obviously - and regardless of the notes - this is still well worth that five. Thanks, buddy!
Comment Written 18-Dec-2020
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Stan.
This particular chapter is some grim reading. The honeymoon started also hopeful and ended up so tragic.
Your narrative of the events are so very descriptive. It helped me to see the images in my mind. The fact that Thad was lost is bad enough, but then Jane is kidnapped by the Indians. Life was so much different 150 years ago.
There's a phrase you used in the narrative that struck me as so vivid. "Fear thundered in me."
Robert
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2020
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Hello Stan.
This particular chapter is some grim reading. The honeymoon started also hopeful and ended up so tragic.
Your narrative of the events are so very descriptive. It helped me to see the images in my mind. The fact that Thad was lost is bad enough, but then Jane is kidnapped by the Indians. Life was so much different 150 years ago.
There's a phrase you used in the narrative that struck me as so vivid. "Fear thundered in me."
Robert
Comment Written 17-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2020
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Thanks Robert!
Comment from Alaskastory
"Honeymoon Hell" is a well done chapter that is full of adventure and terror. I look forward to the next step.
Need a word: "..where I buried my chin (on) Jake's shoulder."
"kissed me with his minted breadth." You mean breath not breadth?
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2020
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"Honeymoon Hell" is a well done chapter that is full of adventure and terror. I look forward to the next step.
Need a word: "..where I buried my chin (on) Jake's shoulder."
"kissed me with his minted breadth." You mean breath not breadth?
Comment Written 16-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2020
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Thanks Marie!
Comment from Mastery
So sorry I am already out of sixes, Stan. This chapter is definitely worthy of one. Your plot is moving along very nicely and I continue to admire your imagery. Like:
" many an emigrant carved their names on the rocky bluffs, where the canyon deepened, and springs of fresh water sprouted from rock walls."
And: " the reflection of the flickering crops of rocks and how they seemed to turn into gold. The rough sandstones ...and adorned with thickets of green shrubbery and tufts of yellow grass. Game would be plentiful, and the brooks would no doubt splash with trout."
Incidentally, I don't understand why you don't do better in the BOM voting???
You sure deserve to. Bob
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2020
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So sorry I am already out of sixes, Stan. This chapter is definitely worthy of one. Your plot is moving along very nicely and I continue to admire your imagery. Like:
" many an emigrant carved their names on the rocky bluffs, where the canyon deepened, and springs of fresh water sprouted from rock walls."
And: " the reflection of the flickering crops of rocks and how they seemed to turn into gold. The rough sandstones ...and adorned with thickets of green shrubbery and tufts of yellow grass. Game would be plentiful, and the brooks would no doubt splash with trout."
Incidentally, I don't understand why you don't do better in the BOM voting???
You sure deserve to. Bob
Comment Written 15-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2020
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Thanks, Bob. It looks like I'm competing with some stellar writers in the western genre. I still like mystery/thriller too. I'm going back to that genre soon. Happy Holidays!
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Good luck my friend. You will do fine in either. Bob
Comment from Mastery
So sorry I am already out of sixes, Stan. This chapter is definitely worthy of one. Your plot is moving along very nicely and I continue to admire your imagery. Like:
" many an emigrant carved their names on the rocky bluffs, where the canyon deepened, and springs of fresh water sprouted from rock walls."
And: " the reflection of the flickering crops of rocks and how they seemed to turn into gold. The rough sandstones ...and adorned with thickets of green shrubbery and tufts of yellow grass. Game would be plentiful, and the brooks would no doubt splash with trout."
Incidentally, I don't understand why you don't do better in the BOM voting???
You sure deserve to. Bob
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2020
|
So sorry I am already out of sixes, Stan. This chapter is definitely worthy of one. Your plot is moving along very nicely and I continue to admire your imagery. Like:
" many an emigrant carved their names on the rocky bluffs, where the canyon deepened, and springs of fresh water sprouted from rock walls."
And: " the reflection of the flickering crops of rocks and how they seemed to turn into gold. The rough sandstones ...and adorned with thickets of green shrubbery and tufts of yellow grass. Game would be plentiful, and the brooks would no doubt splash with trout."
Incidentally, I don't understand why you don't do better in the BOM voting???
You sure deserve to. Bob
Comment Written 15-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2020
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Hey, Bob. I think you hit the button on this one twice. I'm just clearing the deck.
-
Oooops! Sorry. Thanks, Bob
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Oooops! Sorry. Thanks, Bob
Comment from royowen
Wow! The story has certainly hotted up with Jane now held captive by Indians, an Thad, scalped and murdered by some Indians, and Jane, treated with little mercy, and Jake nowhere to be seen, after Jane wrote her name in a slab, well done, blessings Roy
Typo : Guardianship of Thad(,) a free black man(,)
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2020
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Wow! The story has certainly hotted up with Jane now held captive by Indians, an Thad, scalped and murdered by some Indians, and Jane, treated with little mercy, and Jake nowhere to be seen, after Jane wrote her name in a slab, well done, blessings Roy
Typo : Guardianship of Thad(,) a free black man(,)
Comment Written 14-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2020
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Thanks!
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Welcome
Comment from BethShelby
You story has taken a scary turn. I wasn't expecting this. I am hoping this won't get worse. I'm sure there were many people treated in this horrible way. I'll be anxious to find out what will happen next.
Beth
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2020
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You story has taken a scary turn. I wasn't expecting this. I am hoping this won't get worse. I'm sure there were many people treated in this horrible way. I'll be anxious to find out what will happen next.
Beth
Comment Written 14-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2020
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Thanks!
Comment from Mistydawn
This doesn't look good at all. I do hope someone can save her, that Jake and the others are alright. Your story is well-written, very interesting, suspenseful. A great reminder of how hard life was back then. I look forward to reading more
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2020
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This doesn't look good at all. I do hope someone can save her, that Jake and the others are alright. Your story is well-written, very interesting, suspenseful. A great reminder of how hard life was back then. I look forward to reading more
Comment Written 14-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2020
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Thanks again, Misty.
Comment from Sally Law
Another fine chapter with a realistic twist. I'm suretnks was a common thing, unfortunately. You capture the prairie life so well in your writing and descriptions. The sunset alone is poem worthy.
A few improvements for your consideration.
-Mark this for violence. Torture applies.
-He (was) like a millstone....
- ....find a hole, but it was too late. Combine these two sentences into one with a comma.
I hope this is helpful.
Sending you my best today, and blessings always,
Sal XOs....
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2020
|
Another fine chapter with a realistic twist. I'm suretnks was a common thing, unfortunately. You capture the prairie life so well in your writing and descriptions. The sunset alone is poem worthy.
A few improvements for your consideration.
-Mark this for violence. Torture applies.
-He (was) like a millstone....
- ....find a hole, but it was too late. Combine these two sentences into one with a comma.
I hope this is helpful.
Sending you my best today, and blessings always,
Sal XOs....
Comment Written 14-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2020
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Thanks!