The Last Requiem
A tragedy of good intentions14 total reviews
Comment from Sharon Davis
A poignant and emotionally charged piece with great depth.
The story illuminates the cost of bearing the burden of guilt.
The characters are well developed and the storyline engages the reader from beginning to end.
Fantastic. Thanks for sharing this piece.
reply by the author on 29-May-2021
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A poignant and emotionally charged piece with great depth.
The story illuminates the cost of bearing the burden of guilt.
The characters are well developed and the storyline engages the reader from beginning to end.
Fantastic. Thanks for sharing this piece.
Comment Written 29-May-2021
reply by the author on 29-May-2021
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Thank you, Sharon. Your review is very appreciated and encouraging.
Comment from royowen
This is such an incredible piece of writing my friend. But it shows we are all victims and witnesses to our own shortcomings, first, we need to forgive ourselves and live with our flaws, and love ourselves, in doing so we will learn to forgive others, and love them for the incredible uniqueness they bring to this world. Well done, your work personifies that view. Blessings Roy
Typo : We were both (in the wrong) We were planning.
reply by the author on 28-May-2021
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This is such an incredible piece of writing my friend. But it shows we are all victims and witnesses to our own shortcomings, first, we need to forgive ourselves and live with our flaws, and love ourselves, in doing so we will learn to forgive others, and love them for the incredible uniqueness they bring to this world. Well done, your work personifies that view. Blessings Roy
Typo : We were both (in the wrong) We were planning.
Comment Written 28-May-2021
reply by the author on 28-May-2021
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Thank you, Roy. Much appreciated.
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Bless you
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
This is an incredibly beautiful story! Congratulations on winning the contest. You have created a very dramatic story, interweaving the lives of several people to create your own masterpiece of downfall, sorrow, tragedy, guilt and redemption.
I found some small errors or spags that you might want to consider revising, and have offered some suggestions, if you want them:
"Cindy, he had to go under psychiatric council before every concert.
-->
"Cindy, he had to go under psychiatric counsel before every concert. [unless "council" is a U.K. spelling that I'm unfamiliar with]
She entered some of the small little food shops that graced the street.
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She entered some of the little food shops that graced the street.
He's a good guy but still trouble.
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He's a good guy, but still trouble.
It's the absolute bottom for the most desperate of the lives lost souls,
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It's the absolute bottom for the most desperate of the lost souls,
She would be ok in the daylight but never go there at night.
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She would be okay in the daylight, but would never go there at night.
"My sister doesn't want me. I'm an outcast, a scourge on her family?"
-->
"My sister doesn't want me. I'm an outcast, a scourge on her family."
"Why don't you take my cel and talk to her?
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"Why don't you take my cell and talk to her?
Cindy kneeled on the concrete...
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Cindy knelt on the concrete...
"Ok, please talk with me. You hate yourself. Why?"
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"Okay, please talk with me. You hate yourself. Why?"
He took his life a weeks ago,
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He took his life a week ago, OR
He took his life weeks ago,
Did he believe you?
-->
"Did he believe you?"
I had no conscious, a thief; ...
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I had no conscience, a thief; ...
"How do you blame yourself for her suicide Quentin, you weren't even there?"
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"How do you blame yourself for her suicide, Quentin, when you weren't even there?"
"Oh, But I was Cindy.
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"Oh, but I was, Cindy.
Langdon didn't have to take that Music score.
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Langdon didn't have to take that music score.
You are absolved!
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You are absolved!"
"No, it isn't'. Death has taken two of you.
-->
"No, it isn't. Death has taken two of you.
You need a doctor you're hands broken.
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You need a doctor; your hand's broken.
It had been 6 months, with Cindys constant visiting...
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It had been six months, with Cindy's constant visiting...
I'm doing my first play of the Requiem on June 1, at 8: pm on PBS.
-->
I'm doing my first play of the Requiem on June 1, at 8 pm on PBS.
Congratulations, again, on writing such a creative story that turned out so beautifully.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2020
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This is an incredibly beautiful story! Congratulations on winning the contest. You have created a very dramatic story, interweaving the lives of several people to create your own masterpiece of downfall, sorrow, tragedy, guilt and redemption.
I found some small errors or spags that you might want to consider revising, and have offered some suggestions, if you want them:
"Cindy, he had to go under psychiatric council before every concert.
-->
"Cindy, he had to go under psychiatric counsel before every concert. [unless "council" is a U.K. spelling that I'm unfamiliar with]
She entered some of the small little food shops that graced the street.
-->
She entered some of the little food shops that graced the street.
He's a good guy but still trouble.
-->
He's a good guy, but still trouble.
It's the absolute bottom for the most desperate of the lives lost souls,
-->
It's the absolute bottom for the most desperate of the lost souls,
She would be ok in the daylight but never go there at night.
-->
She would be okay in the daylight, but would never go there at night.
"My sister doesn't want me. I'm an outcast, a scourge on her family?"
-->
"My sister doesn't want me. I'm an outcast, a scourge on her family."
"Why don't you take my cel and talk to her?
-->
"Why don't you take my cell and talk to her?
Cindy kneeled on the concrete...
-->
Cindy knelt on the concrete...
"Ok, please talk with me. You hate yourself. Why?"
-->
"Okay, please talk with me. You hate yourself. Why?"
He took his life a weeks ago,
-->
He took his life a week ago, OR
He took his life weeks ago,
Did he believe you?
-->
"Did he believe you?"
I had no conscious, a thief; ...
-->
I had no conscience, a thief; ...
"How do you blame yourself for her suicide Quentin, you weren't even there?"
-->
"How do you blame yourself for her suicide, Quentin, when you weren't even there?"
"Oh, But I was Cindy.
-->
"Oh, but I was, Cindy.
Langdon didn't have to take that Music score.
-->
Langdon didn't have to take that music score.
You are absolved!
-->
You are absolved!"
"No, it isn't'. Death has taken two of you.
-->
"No, it isn't. Death has taken two of you.
You need a doctor you're hands broken.
-->
You need a doctor; your hand's broken.
It had been 6 months, with Cindys constant visiting...
-->
It had been six months, with Cindy's constant visiting...
I'm doing my first play of the Requiem on June 1, at 8: pm on PBS.
-->
I'm doing my first play of the Requiem on June 1, at 8 pm on PBS.
Congratulations, again, on writing such a creative story that turned out so beautifully.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2020
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Thank you, Mary Kay. I wish I had your writing skills. I agonized over this story. I wrote and rewrote countless times, trying to get it perfect, but obviously focused on the story too much and missed much grammar.
It's Brad Bennett, the contest is over now, so I can reveal that.
I've posted a Christmas story, 'Gift of the Magi?Revisited.' It's another work I've strived over. If you get a chance and it's not an imposition or conflict, I would love to have you look at it. If you do, please be tough. I need to learn more. Very grateful. Brad
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You're very welcome, Brad. I wish everyone had your open hearted attitude. Not everyone appreciates well meaning advice, but by trial and error, I know who does and who doesn't!
I'd like to think that I have good writing skills, but so do you! My skills with grammar, editing and proofreading are good, but your creativity in writing is fantastic. You won first prize in a short story contest!
I haven't posted any new writing in awhile -- mostly because I'm busy with personal matters, and also I'm busy reviewing, so that I'll have some FanStory dollars to promote my work, when I have something to post.
But please don't confuse having a great command of English grammar with excellent creative writing skills. Yes, it does help not to be fumbling over correct usage, but before words come, there must first be ideas, and I believe that's where great writing begins. Keep writing your great ideas, Brad, and you'll be fine! That's why writers need good editors. Sometimes I need help coming up with good ideas, but sooner or later, they do come.
If you would like to learn more about good grammar and usage, there's "Chicago Manual of Style" and another book by Strunk and White, which I think might also be called, "A Manual of Style," but I'm not sure.
I took some courses a long time ago. You can probably find some online courses, if you're interested. I worked for awhile in a nonprofit organization doing editing and proofreading, but never worked in a real professional editing environment -- so I don't know much about book editing. I would rather do my own writing, and some reviewing here on FanStory.
I took a look at your Christmas story, and will review it soon. Thanks for letting me know about it.
I don't think there's any such thing as focusing too much on a story. The story is the main thing. Grammar is secondary.
God bless you, my friend.
- Mary Kay
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Mary, I can't tell you how much this means to me. Thank you. For most of my life, I was an art director, working with ad writers. They wrote I designed, but I wanted to write too. So when I retired I gave it a try. I had no experience in writing, and no training other than high school, but I had stories inside I wanted to get out. Fan Story has and is giving me my training thru skilled writers like you. I will read the Manual of Style until I can recite it!
I also won the Ghost story contest. It's called Flight To Fairbanks. I think you might enjoy that also. You will see I love surprise endings.
God bless you too. Mary Kay
Comment from Bill Schott
This story, The Last Requiem, is an incredible story that held me riveted throughout. The shocking beginning, the search for the brother, the mystery solved, and all of the falling action to the conclusion were spell-binding.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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This story, The Last Requiem, is an incredible story that held me riveted throughout. The shocking beginning, the search for the brother, the mystery solved, and all of the falling action to the conclusion were spell-binding.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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Wow, thank you Bill. It's in voting right now, and this will really help. Thanks 6 times.
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You have my vote.
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Thanks. :>)
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I forgot to mention, you can hear the piece, google:
Requiem For A Dream (Kate Chruscicka Electric Violinist)
Comment from Goodadvicechan
This is a good story. The writing is good. It isn't convincing that Cindy can convince Quentin in one session. It might be more real if Quentin disappeared after meeting Cindy the first time. Then It took her some time to find him again.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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This is a good story. The writing is good. It isn't convincing that Cindy can convince Quentin in one session. It might be more real if Quentin disappeared after meeting Cindy the first time. Then It took her some time to find him again.
Comment Written 01-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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The key of the story is when he learned his brother was dead, it changed everything. Cindy used that news to help him out of his self imposed prison. And focus on his sister. Maybe I should'nt have indicated any disfavor of Ann, but that was really a defence against anyone who approached him.
If Cindy had'nt been there, even if he did somehow learn, nothing would have changed. She was the catalyst.
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Agree with you. Suggest show a little more effort than one meeting.
It is a good story. It certainly deserves the chance to win.
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Yes, you're right. I'm going to adjust the ending. I was in a hurry to get out. Thanks for your comments
Comment from RetroStarfish
This is a good story, compelling.
A few small editing things - When Cindy enters the picture, a good portion of her dialogue ends in questions marks, although she doesn't appear to be asking a question. Is this because she's of the generation whose sentences end on an up note? Or just misplaced punctuation?
Ann introduces herself as a sister to the brothers, but later Cindy tells Quentin that his "aunt" wants to talk to him.
There is some lovely imagery in this piece: "...clutching it tightly to his chest in a lover's embrace," and "...walked along the foul-smelling drainage ditch, carefully avoiding discarded trash and squalor."
The image of Greenville Avenue as the "lower colon" of Dallas is also interesting - however, I was thrown by "flowing arteries." So much so that I actually googled it to confirm that the colon is not an artery. However the reference to the digestive tract is very apt, considering the scene you are describing.
One last point on that - please reconsider this reference: "... pit of excrement and filth for the worst of the homeless." It implies that homeless people deserve filth and excrement and some more so than others. For the most part, homeless people do not deserve to live in squalor. They are victims of poverty, addiction and mental illness, as Quentin's depressed state suggests. Perhaps you could replace "worst" with "most desperate" or something else a little less pejorative.
Lovely story.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2020
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This is a good story, compelling.
A few small editing things - When Cindy enters the picture, a good portion of her dialogue ends in questions marks, although she doesn't appear to be asking a question. Is this because she's of the generation whose sentences end on an up note? Or just misplaced punctuation?
Ann introduces herself as a sister to the brothers, but later Cindy tells Quentin that his "aunt" wants to talk to him.
There is some lovely imagery in this piece: "...clutching it tightly to his chest in a lover's embrace," and "...walked along the foul-smelling drainage ditch, carefully avoiding discarded trash and squalor."
The image of Greenville Avenue as the "lower colon" of Dallas is also interesting - however, I was thrown by "flowing arteries." So much so that I actually googled it to confirm that the colon is not an artery. However the reference to the digestive tract is very apt, considering the scene you are describing.
One last point on that - please reconsider this reference: "... pit of excrement and filth for the worst of the homeless." It implies that homeless people deserve filth and excrement and some more so than others. For the most part, homeless people do not deserve to live in squalor. They are victims of poverty, addiction and mental illness, as Quentin's depressed state suggests. Perhaps you could replace "worst" with "most desperate" or something else a little less pejorative.
Lovely story.
Comment Written 01-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2020
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Wow, thank you. A very good concise review. I could not ask for a better read. Getting after those issues now. I have a tendency to get into the wording to much, and make bad analogies. Will fix "pit" statement. Thanks again.
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Hi again, hows this?
Cindy knew that area. It's the absolute bottom for the most desperate of the life's lost souls, the innocent and the evil.
Had to add evil, it is a dangerous place also.
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Oh, yes. This works. So glad you appreciated the review - and thanks for the nomination!
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Breathtaking. Masterful narration, compelling dialog, gripping confrontation.
If streets are arteries [doesn't mesh with colon] then Greenville Avenue would be Dallas's lower colon. (<=CLEVER=>!) But it's an intestine of trouble.
But still, the Maestro hadn't shown [period vs question mark]
I may not be the person you want?"[period vs question mark]
small/little=>pick one
concious=>conscience
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2020
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Breathtaking. Masterful narration, compelling dialog, gripping confrontation.
If streets are arteries [doesn't mesh with colon] then Greenville Avenue would be Dallas's lower colon. (<=CLEVER=>!) But it's an intestine of trouble.
But still, the Maestro hadn't shown [period vs question mark]
I may not be the person you want?"[period vs question mark]
small/little=>pick one
concious=>conscience
Comment Written 30-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2020
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Thanks. In arteries?colon, I was comparing body conduits. I'll work on that. don't want to lose it. And thanks for the typo catch.
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I get what you're going for--sugg: run the sentence by a couple of others--or, what the heck--go with your GUT!
Comment from Cynthia Adams1
I got lost in your story...it is so very well written. It makes me wish it were an installment in a book.
Your characters are drawn well and the dialogue sounds real. I was afraid Quentin would commit suicide after he played it but was very glad how it turned out.
Nice job and a strong contest entry, I think.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2020
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I got lost in your story...it is so very well written. It makes me wish it were an installment in a book.
Your characters are drawn well and the dialogue sounds real. I was afraid Quentin would commit suicide after he played it but was very glad how it turned out.
Nice job and a strong contest entry, I think.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2020
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Thank you, Cynthia, much appreciated. I really struggled with this piece, it took a lot out of me. You're comments really help.
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All your effort was worth it, I think.
Comment from estory
I think it's an interesting story that takes us on a journey through the family struggles of these people, the rivalry between brothers in talent and in love, that seperates them forever. I like how you started that with that dramatic description of the opening of the concert, and that gunshot that sets off the journey. Realistic dialogue keeps it grounded and ties the characters together. It had some nice closure at the end too. A tale of redemption, albeit in a roundabout manner. estory
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2020
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I think it's an interesting story that takes us on a journey through the family struggles of these people, the rivalry between brothers in talent and in love, that seperates them forever. I like how you started that with that dramatic description of the opening of the concert, and that gunshot that sets off the journey. Realistic dialogue keeps it grounded and ties the characters together. It had some nice closure at the end too. A tale of redemption, albeit in a roundabout manner. estory
Comment Written 28-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2020
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Thank you, estory for your review. I read some of your prose, very well done. I'm honored by your comments. Thanks again.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was absolutely amazing. I loved this story. You wrote it with all the compassion of someone who knows about these things. It was a sad story, but the ending, with Quentin going on stage and playing the piece he wrote, was brilliant. I'm sorry I don't have a six. Well done and good luck in the contest. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2020
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That was absolutely amazing. I loved this story. You wrote it with all the compassion of someone who knows about these things. It was a sad story, but the ending, with Quentin going on stage and playing the piece he wrote, was brilliant. I'm sorry I don't have a six. Well done and good luck in the contest. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 28-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2020
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Thank you, Sandra. Much appreciated.
