The Poppy Bleeds
A Shakespearean Sonnet for the contest45 total reviews
Comment from Carlos' girl
God this is Good! now THIS is a shakespearean sonnet! wow, blows me away! i havent read work this good yet on fanstory, their bad. You can write, keep it up.
carlos' girl
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2021
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God this is Good! now THIS is a shakespearean sonnet! wow, blows me away! i havent read work this good yet on fanstory, their bad. You can write, keep it up.
carlos' girl
Comment Written 28-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2021
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Apologies for my delay in responding to this most affirming review and your award of six stars. I have been out of reliable internet coverage for the past week while celebrating Christmas with family.
Best wishes to you. I hope 2021 will bring you joy and satisfaction in your endeavours.
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no need for apologies. best wishes to uyou in new year as well
Comment from rama devi
Masterfully crafted and phonically resonant, which doesn't surprise me, coming from you! Superb imagery, voicing and rhymes.
I read the first stanza aloud three times:
The poppy bleeds forgetfulness. I lie
inhaling flimsy wisps of former days.
As through a veil, the fleeting shadows sigh;
their joyless whispers add to my malaise.
I have some punctuation alternative suggestions for this stanza:
I wear my tasselled cap and velvet gown,
one languid hand is raised to cool my brow,
the hubble-bubble soothes, I slowly drown
in lethargy and leave the here and now.
I wear my tasselled cap and velvet gown;
one languid hand is raised to cool my brow.
The hubble-bubble soothes, I slowly drown
in lethargy and leave the here and now.
Very fine volta, and I LOVED reading aloud all those S and L and W sounds (note one suggestion of a period instead of comma but a semicolon or dash would also work, if you really want enjambment there):
Yet echoes still persist that keep in mind
your siren songs, their silken swish and sway,
most elegant and artfully designed
to lull my sense and steal my heart away,(.)
Pitch perfect closing couplet:
I'm shipwrecked, on the rocks, washed up by guile,
It's such a treat to read your poems, Tony!
Warm Smiles,
rd
but you could save my life with just one smile.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2020
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Masterfully crafted and phonically resonant, which doesn't surprise me, coming from you! Superb imagery, voicing and rhymes.
I read the first stanza aloud three times:
The poppy bleeds forgetfulness. I lie
inhaling flimsy wisps of former days.
As through a veil, the fleeting shadows sigh;
their joyless whispers add to my malaise.
I have some punctuation alternative suggestions for this stanza:
I wear my tasselled cap and velvet gown,
one languid hand is raised to cool my brow,
the hubble-bubble soothes, I slowly drown
in lethargy and leave the here and now.
I wear my tasselled cap and velvet gown;
one languid hand is raised to cool my brow.
The hubble-bubble soothes, I slowly drown
in lethargy and leave the here and now.
Very fine volta, and I LOVED reading aloud all those S and L and W sounds (note one suggestion of a period instead of comma but a semicolon or dash would also work, if you really want enjambment there):
Yet echoes still persist that keep in mind
your siren songs, their silken swish and sway,
most elegant and artfully designed
to lull my sense and steal my heart away,(.)
Pitch perfect closing couplet:
I'm shipwrecked, on the rocks, washed up by guile,
It's such a treat to read your poems, Tony!
Warm Smiles,
rd
but you could save my life with just one smile.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2020
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What a lovely review, RD. You've made my day.
You're right! The punctuation of the second stanza is a bit of a dog's breakfast! I've adopted your suggestions but also placed a period after The hubble-bubble soothes to avoid the run-on sentence.
The comma between the third stanza and the couplet was definitely a mistake. I really must increase the font size when I'm editing!
I appreciate your support and encouragement so much. The sixth star is a knockout! LOL
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Thanks for your gracious response, my friend. I'm so glad you're pleased!
Yay!
Big smiles,
rd
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
My word, Tony! What can I say but this is worth more than six stars, which I am unfortunately out of. The poppy! Now there's a tale, how many have inhaled that aroma that takes the memories away and fills the senses with a false array of emotions? The 60s had many youngsters filled with a happiness that only lasted while the poppy seeds worked their magic. What you've done with this sonnet, is truly incredible, I loved it. That last couplet finished the sonnet beautifully, my friend, well done, and good luck in the contest. :)) Sandra xxxx
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2020
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My word, Tony! What can I say but this is worth more than six stars, which I am unfortunately out of. The poppy! Now there's a tale, how many have inhaled that aroma that takes the memories away and fills the senses with a false array of emotions? The 60s had many youngsters filled with a happiness that only lasted while the poppy seeds worked their magic. What you've done with this sonnet, is truly incredible, I loved it. That last couplet finished the sonnet beautifully, my friend, well done, and good luck in the contest. :)) Sandra xxxx
Comment Written 27-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2020
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Thanks for your super review, Sandra. A neighbour recently lent me a book: Lucy Inglis. Milk of Paradise: A History of Opium.
Fascinating to read what a dramatic effect the poppy has had on civilisation from the very earliest times. I had no idea how far back its use extended and how prevalent worldwide.
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
Love your poem. The last two lines are so rewarding that I have to give you a great rating. The future holds many ups and downs but to be saved by our God is perhaps the biggest reward of any in our lifetime. Poppies are remembrances for the soldiers who fought in battles.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2020
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Love your poem. The last two lines are so rewarding that I have to give you a great rating. The future holds many ups and downs but to be saved by our God is perhaps the biggest reward of any in our lifetime. Poppies are remembrances for the soldiers who fought in battles.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2020
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Thank you very much for your comments and this supportive review, Rosemary. So glad to hear you enjoyed my poem. All good wishes, Tony
Comment from Ben Colder
Your stanzas are strong and I enjoyed reading this poem. Mu choice is-Yet echoes still persist that keep in mind
your siren songs, their silken swish and sway,
most elegant and artfully designed
to lull my sense and steal my heart away,
Very nicely done.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2020
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Your stanzas are strong and I enjoyed reading this poem. Mu choice is-Yet echoes still persist that keep in mind
your siren songs, their silken swish and sway,
most elegant and artfully designed
to lull my sense and steal my heart away,
Very nicely done.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2020
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Thanks, Ben. I appreciate your comments. All good wishes, Tony
Comment from Sally Law
The saddest of Sonnets, dear Tony. It does leave me with a sense of hope for the broken one here, that he'd be smiled upon once again. Please receive my virtual six and compliments. A superb offering for the contest. A winner here!
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally XOs...
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2020
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The saddest of Sonnets, dear Tony. It does leave me with a sense of hope for the broken one here, that he'd be smiled upon once again. Please receive my virtual six and compliments. A superb offering for the contest. A winner here!
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally XOs...
Comment Written 27-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2020
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Thanks, Sally. I appreciate your comments about the emotional effect and thank you, too, for the virtual six. All good wishes, Tony
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Tfawcus,
Nice piece of poetry in the form of Shakespearean Sonnet meeting the desired norms, having impressive phraseology, enchanting flow throughout from the beginning to the end with lovely rhyming scheme, and beautifully depicting its theme.
Picture enhances depth and beauty of the poem.
"I'm shipwrecked, on the rocks, washed up by guile,
but you could save my life with just one smile."
BEST OF LUCK in the contest.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2020
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Hello Tfawcus,
Nice piece of poetry in the form of Shakespearean Sonnet meeting the desired norms, having impressive phraseology, enchanting flow throughout from the beginning to the end with lovely rhyming scheme, and beautifully depicting its theme.
Picture enhances depth and beauty of the poem.
"I'm shipwrecked, on the rocks, washed up by guile,
but you could save my life with just one smile."
BEST OF LUCK in the contest.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2020
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Thanks very much for your support and encouragement, RP. Much appreciated, as is the sixth star. All good wishes, Tony.
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Tony, Most Welcome!
With best wishes,
~ RP
Comment from RGstar
Absolutely brilliant.
You opened you, transitioned through stanza one to two, then came the turn (Volta) on the 9th line
You opened with 'Yet'...perfect for the turn...
a perfect ask or question to the first two stanzas...Beautiful alliteration in places...and your end couplet...near on perfect...except for one thing:
Tony, honestly, I might changed shit-wrecked to ship wrecked...I understand the notion, yet, I think ship wrecked gives it that poetic oomph to take it over the line, and infact...in my opinion, would not be any cliché', but will have a certain emotional , even romantic attachment in line with the Elizabethan sonnet.
This is just great writing.
Bravo.
Good luck with this...
I have to go and have a read of the entries. I love reading sonnets, as you know how much for me Shakespeare is king...even though I don't write them much, reading a good one gives such good emotions.
My best Tony...loved this.
RG
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2020
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Absolutely brilliant.
You opened you, transitioned through stanza one to two, then came the turn (Volta) on the 9th line
You opened with 'Yet'...perfect for the turn...
a perfect ask or question to the first two stanzas...Beautiful alliteration in places...and your end couplet...near on perfect...except for one thing:
Tony, honestly, I might changed shit-wrecked to ship wrecked...I understand the notion, yet, I think ship wrecked gives it that poetic oomph to take it over the line, and infact...in my opinion, would not be any cliché', but will have a certain emotional , even romantic attachment in line with the Elizabethan sonnet.
This is just great writing.
Bravo.
Good luck with this...
I have to go and have a read of the entries. I love reading sonnets, as you know how much for me Shakespeare is king...even though I don't write them much, reading a good one gives such good emotions.
My best Tony...loved this.
RG
Comment Written 27-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2020
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Very many thanks for these very kind words, Roy, and for the sixth star. Thank you, too, for your sound advice. I?ve now altered it to 'shipwrecked'.
All good wishes, Tony.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Hi Tony, I enjoyed this sonnet so very much and I found it inspiring. I also appreciated the notes underneath and I've taken a copy to appease my subconscious desire to get back into writing one! You are a truly great poet, Giddy :-
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2020
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Hi Tony, I enjoyed this sonnet so very much and I found it inspiring. I also appreciated the notes underneath and I've taken a copy to appease my subconscious desire to get back into writing one! You are a truly great poet, Giddy :-
Comment Written 26-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2020
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Thanks, Giddy, for your kind words and stars. Much appreciated. Good luck with yours. All good wishes, Tony
Comment from karenina
Lovely sonnet. Seems to me (I claim to be no expert) to fulfill all the requirements of a Shakespearean sonnet... I wonder why you went with "shit-wrecked" rather than "ship-wrecked"? One seems to take away from the elegance of the peace and one although cliche' somewhat--would add to the elegance? --Karenina
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2020
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Lovely sonnet. Seems to me (I claim to be no expert) to fulfill all the requirements of a Shakespearean sonnet... I wonder why you went with "shit-wrecked" rather than "ship-wrecked"? One seems to take away from the elegance of the peace and one although cliche' somewhat--would add to the elegance? --Karenina
Comment Written 26-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2020
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Thanks very much, Karenina, for your review and comment. Several people have questioned that word. I think you?re right about it destroying the overall tone. I?ve now changed it. All good wishes, Tony.