Selfish
You can't have it all87 total reviews
Comment from Shirley B
Whoa, Bob, my virgin eyes and ears! Great imagery. Especially describing how the man looked like a turtle. Great work! As for Candy, I can't say she got what she deserved because no one deservrd that. Great story. A lot of good full details. This is a very good entry. Best of luck in the contest, Shirley
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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Whoa, Bob, my virgin eyes and ears! Great imagery. Especially describing how the man looked like a turtle. Great work! As for Candy, I can't say she got what she deserved because no one deservrd that. Great story. A lot of good full details. This is a very good entry. Best of luck in the contest, Shirley
Comment Written 13-May-2010
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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Aaaah! Thanks so much, shirley...I am so glad you liked this little ditty. Bob
Comment from Patricia.Green
This story is very gripping. I definitely was drawn in and wanted to know what would happen next. It has suspense, focus, and a beginning, middle and end. We can well imagine Ramirez's predicament when the doorbell rings. I love the sentence: "Candy thought cooking was a city in China." Wonderful.
A small thing pops out at me at the end: you describe her dead eyes as "staring." Would that be possible if his first slash had been "across the eyes"? Wouldn't her eyes be damaged? Also, a couple of typos: "Clearwater, Florida" needs a comma after Florida; and, "barley covered" (obviously, you meant "barely").
I love reading your short stories, Bob. Keep up the great work!
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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This story is very gripping. I definitely was drawn in and wanted to know what would happen next. It has suspense, focus, and a beginning, middle and end. We can well imagine Ramirez's predicament when the doorbell rings. I love the sentence: "Candy thought cooking was a city in China." Wonderful.
A small thing pops out at me at the end: you describe her dead eyes as "staring." Would that be possible if his first slash had been "across the eyes"? Wouldn't her eyes be damaged? Also, a couple of typos: "Clearwater, Florida" needs a comma after Florida; and, "barley covered" (obviously, you meant "barely").
I love reading your short stories, Bob. Keep up the great work!
Comment Written 13-May-2010
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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Thank you, Patricia. Coming from a good writer such as you are, I am honored. I corrected all of your mentions...however...LOL....I can't find "barely" in the story? lol...Where is it...? do you mind looking again? Bob
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I looked again. It appears to be fixed. If I hadn't found it twice before (once when I saw it the first time, again when I went to find it for my review) then I would think I was hallucinating. Fortunately, it doesn't matter -- fixed is the important part. Glad I could help in some small way. Great job, Bob. --Patricia
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Sorry, Patricai for the trouble...Someone else pointed out the same thing with a bit more info...the thing about the red beret. LOL...Thanks for your time again. Bob
Comment from c_lucas
This is a contest entry and you have certain freedoms, but I would not want to read this as a novel. As usual, your writing style is superb. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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This is a contest entry and you have certain freedoms, but I would not want to read this as a novel. As usual, your writing style is superb. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 13-May-2010
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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Thqanks, Charlie...I do appreciate your review as always...Bob
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You're welcome, Bob. Charlie
Comment from Kellytr
Mastery, I thought you brought your characters to life - reprehensible as they were. I don't think I was ready for the violent ending though - Ramirez seems to leap from puffed up sleezebag to homicidal maniac in one fell swoop.
A couple of spags:
Ramirez wore a red beret that "barley" covered the
"Ramirez found plenty of strange when he was off on his frequent business trips." - was something left out?
You certainly got my attention with this one. Cheers, Kelly
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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Mastery, I thought you brought your characters to life - reprehensible as they were. I don't think I was ready for the violent ending though - Ramirez seems to leap from puffed up sleezebag to homicidal maniac in one fell swoop.
A couple of spags:
Ramirez wore a red beret that "barley" covered the
"Ramirez found plenty of strange when he was off on his frequent business trips." - was something left out?
You certainly got my attention with this one. Cheers, Kelly
Comment Written 13-May-2010
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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Hi, Kelly. I want to thank you for your wonderful review. The "strange" is a term that means he found other sex partners...LOL...sorry. Bob
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Thanks for that education, Bob. The word 'strange' will never mean the same to me again. Cheers, Kelly :)
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LOL...If you are married...ask your husband what it means...OOOOPs! LOL...Bob
Comment from dmjones
It was on the edge my seat reading this. Great descriptions of both Candy and Juan. They made good characters.
this made me laugh. - "blessed with the body of an angel, but had the brains of an oyster"
A couple of things. The first is just a typo and the second is your choice to change if you want.
Ramirez wore a red beret that barley (barely)covered
He knew that (delete that)men follow their cocks around
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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It was on the edge my seat reading this. Great descriptions of both Candy and Juan. They made good characters.
this made me laugh. - "blessed with the body of an angel, but had the brains of an oyster"
A couple of things. The first is just a typo and the second is your choice to change if you want.
Ramirez wore a red beret that barley (barely)covered
He knew that (delete that)men follow their cocks around
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 13-May-2010
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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Hi, dm. I appreciate your generous review as usual. You have helped me out here, too...and I sincerely am grateful. Ifixed both counts...Take care...Bob
Comment from Deejharrington
The best of luck in the contest. This is a story that screams to be finished! The descriptions and the characters are jumping of the page. The story grips you from beginning to where you ended it.Please complete it someday.
deb
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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The best of luck in the contest. This is a story that screams to be finished! The descriptions and the characters are jumping of the page. The story grips you from beginning to where you ended it.Please complete it someday.
deb
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-May-2010
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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Thanks so much, Deb...I do so appreciate you....Bob
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you're very welcome
deb
Comment from Kathryn Varuzza
Bob,
This was great!
Brutal, but great!
Interesting.
Good descriptions.
I liked the dialogue.
Great and creepy ending.
Good luck in the contest.
Katie
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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Bob,
This was great!
Brutal, but great!
Interesting.
Good descriptions.
I liked the dialogue.
Great and creepy ending.
Good luck in the contest.
Katie
Comment Written 13-May-2010
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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Thanks so much, Katie...Bless you for the wonderful six! You are certainly frugal with them...Mine have been gone for two days...LOL...XX Bob
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Hi Bob, it's funny, sometimes I give them out super quick, and other times, it takes a while. And you're welcome.
xx
Katie