Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Maiden Moon"Murder Mystery
77 total reviews
Comment from judiverse
Very suspenseful and spooky. The ending sends a chill. Tony seems to be in tune with the supernatural. He prophesies that death is close for the woman in the picture,
And when he says to Father, "You do not know the seek of what you seek," that turns out to be prophetic. He learns that a parishioner, Donna Padget, has died. Good interaction and dialogue with the two men. Excellent! In one spot you spelled rhythmic rythmic. judi
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Very suspenseful and spooky. The ending sends a chill. Tony seems to be in tune with the supernatural. He prophesies that death is close for the woman in the picture,
And when he says to Father, "You do not know the seek of what you seek," that turns out to be prophetic. He learns that a parishioner, Donna Padget, has died. Good interaction and dialogue with the two men. Excellent! In one spot you spelled rhythmic rythmic. judi
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much, judi. I really appreciate your reading my chapter and sending along such a generous and encouraging review. Much appreciated! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi Bev
An intriguing story that certainly captured my interest.
Excellent dialogue and descriptions of the characters.
Only suggestions: I wouldn't leave the definition of the Devil's hour to an author's note. Having included it in your text - give the explanation there.
You could build on the Devil's hour with a bit of atmosphere. Shadows of the moon, night noises, etc. This is not Flash Fiction. Really set the scene.
Ron xox
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Hi Bev
An intriguing story that certainly captured my interest.
Excellent dialogue and descriptions of the characters.
Only suggestions: I wouldn't leave the definition of the Devil's hour to an author's note. Having included it in your text - give the explanation there.
You could build on the Devil's hour with a bit of atmosphere. Shadows of the moon, night noises, etc. This is not Flash Fiction. Really set the scene.
Ron xox
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Thanks for your great review and pertinent suggestions, Ron. I'm trying to distance myself a bit from the paranormal, but I can see what you where your suggestions might apply. This was not intended to be flash fiction, so I'm a bit uncertain of your point. I worked pretty hard to make sure it didn't come across that way. Perhaps I need fresh eyes. Much appreciated, my friend. Xxx Bev
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When you introduce a lovely slice of horror (like the Devil's Hour) make the most of it. Keep your readers glued to the page with suspenseful atmosphere. But in Flash Fiction you can't push that concept very far.
Of course, me being me, I may be looking at the the Devil's Hour as horror - when it is not? xox
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Ah, I see your point. I was using it as a foreshadowing device. Hmm...I'll have to take a look at it from your suggested perspective. Thanks for caring, Ron. Xxx Bev
Comment from c_lucas
The need to control is very strong in a warped mind. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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The need to control is very strong in a warped mind. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Thanks very much for your great review, charlie. I appreciate it.
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You're welcome, Bev. Charlie
Comment from tm3912
Hmmm, I'm kind of torn. At times I liked it and at others times I thought it confusing.
First we have father Brian is older and worried about the fate of his mother. I get the impression, because of his hands, etc that he is quite old. So the fate of his parents is probably that they are dead.
You have Father Brian sitting in a room in the rectory, then all of a sudden he going on a fishing trip. There is very little transition.
Then he seems to be back in the rectory waking up.
Also this is a very short chapter.
Like I said, at times I liked it. I think you write well. But your story line needs a little tightening and clarification. Hope this helps.
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reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Hmmm, I'm kind of torn. At times I liked it and at others times I thought it confusing.
First we have father Brian is older and worried about the fate of his mother. I get the impression, because of his hands, etc that he is quite old. So the fate of his parents is probably that they are dead.
You have Father Brian sitting in a room in the rectory, then all of a sudden he going on a fishing trip. There is very little transition.
Then he seems to be back in the rectory waking up.
Also this is a very short chapter.
Like I said, at times I liked it. I think you write well. But your story line needs a little tightening and clarification. Hope this helps.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Thank you, tm3912. I appreciate the time you took to read my chapter and offer your valuable insights. Much appreciated! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from livelylinda
Writingfundimension,
Well, you have my attention. It sounds like a mixture of bad things are about to happen with the priest right in the middle of everything in some way or another. Can't wait for the next installment.
livelylinda
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Writingfundimension,
Well, you have my attention. It sounds like a mixture of bad things are about to happen with the priest right in the middle of everything in some way or another. Can't wait for the next installment.
livelylinda
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Hi, livelylinda. Thank you for checking out my chapter and sending along your generous and encouraging review. Much appreciated! Bev
Comment from Anisa-
Wow! This is so well written!! I can't wait for the next chapter to come out. From the opening, I wouldn't have guessed it to go in the direction that it did.
Can't believe you're leaving us hanging like this! Lol. I was hooked from the word go. Your writing is so detailed and flows together so smoothly. It's inspiring :):)
The level of creepy suspense is awesome. I already like the characters and I've barely met them. Good job with setting.
Anisa
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Wow! This is so well written!! I can't wait for the next chapter to come out. From the opening, I wouldn't have guessed it to go in the direction that it did.
Can't believe you're leaving us hanging like this! Lol. I was hooked from the word go. Your writing is so detailed and flows together so smoothly. It's inspiring :):)
The level of creepy suspense is awesome. I already like the characters and I've barely met them. Good job with setting.
Anisa
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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I'm very honored by your wonderful review, Anisa. Thank you so much for your encouragement and interest. Another chapter out in a week. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from joann r romei
This is a very good piece perhaps a few adjectives could be trimmed and that will let a stronger image form in the readers mind, I like the characters and would love to her more. do you know that Jesus prayed 3 times a day and 3;00 was the miday prayer time.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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This is a very good piece perhaps a few adjectives could be trimmed and that will let a stronger image form in the readers mind, I like the characters and would love to her more. do you know that Jesus prayed 3 times a day and 3;00 was the miday prayer time.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Thanks so much for your review, joannr. I will take a look at the adjective situation to see where some 'trimming' could be done. Much appreciated! Bev