Little Billy
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "The Challenge."memiors from my life experiences.
97 total reviews
Comment from Eddie Z
This is a truly enthralling story. I felt the terror as you fought the ocean as I have confronted many ocean waves and understand what was happening to you. Your descriptions are excellent also. Great writing as it was very easy to read. Thank you for letting me share your story.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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This is a truly enthralling story. I felt the terror as you fought the ocean as I have confronted many ocean waves and understand what was happening to you. Your descriptions are excellent also. Great writing as it was very easy to read. Thank you for letting me share your story.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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thanks for the review.
Comment from bowls
What an amazing story! I think I held my breath while reading through most of it. You've told the story well, organizing your details logically and building suspense up till you finally come ashore. There are a few little errors you might want to look at. The word ESCAPADES doesn't have an X. In the paragraph starting "You can't imagine...", SOLUTION is spelled incorrectly. In the paragraph beginning "I told Samantha" you should write I HAVE RUN, instead of RAN. In the paragraph beginning "She was in waist...", THEIR should be THERE. A great story!
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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What an amazing story! I think I held my breath while reading through most of it. You've told the story well, organizing your details logically and building suspense up till you finally come ashore. There are a few little errors you might want to look at. The word ESCAPADES doesn't have an X. In the paragraph starting "You can't imagine...", SOLUTION is spelled incorrectly. In the paragraph beginning "I told Samantha" you should write I HAVE RUN, instead of RAN. In the paragraph beginning "She was in waist...", THEIR should be THERE. A great story!
Comment Written 21-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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thank you and thank you for the corrections.
Comment from acvguard11
great job....i really enjoyed reading this piece of work you have here....great job and dont let others discourage you if you love to write...keep writing :)!!
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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great job....i really enjoyed reading this piece of work you have here....great job and dont let others discourage you if you love to write...keep writing :)!!
Comment Written 21-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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thanks
Comment from DBastian
You had me on the tip of my chair with this story. You did a great job translating your experience to words. And the personal impact at the end was a great ending.
Nice job.
Regards,
Dave
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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You had me on the tip of my chair with this story. You did a great job translating your experience to words. And the personal impact at the end was a great ending.
Nice job.
Regards,
Dave
Comment Written 21-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Much appriciated makes up for the three star rating I just got. LOL Thank you really. I needed it.
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Interesting each of our perspectives. Everyone sees things differently. I must admit, I read through your story and was caught up in the drama so I did not notice any bad grammar or spellings or anything that did not look right. And, you told the story so well that I did not have to reread it to try to understand it clearer. So, feeling fulfilled, I did not think to look back and find out how to make it better. I hope the person that gave you the "3" had some good constructive advice for you!
Comment from kiwigirl2821
This is what you wanted it to be. A touching, story of faith and love. I've always maintained that we are where we are meant to be in any given second of time. In your case Faith was rewarded and you conveyed that message admirably. Thank you for a well written piece of work. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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This is what you wanted it to be. A touching, story of faith and love. I've always maintained that we are where we are meant to be in any given second of time. In your case Faith was rewarded and you conveyed that message admirably. Thank you for a well written piece of work. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 21-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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thank you kiwigirl
Comment from fictionwriter
I pulled quite a bit out of the first part of this story. It has lots of grammar error, but the main thing is you're telling the story, not showing it. Describe the waves, what they look like how they feel. The smell of the ocean, the terror of watching the shore fade. It's just so matter of fact, flat and dull. If you need help do a lock and key and ask the more experienced writers to help Keep at it, everyone sort of stars out this way.
ocean(,) and so we went camping
The waves on this day were incredible(,) because a hurricane way out at sea had kicked up the surf
I had gotten away from church(,) and I had done a few
things(,) that's lets just say(,) I'm not proud of.
I looked at the water and I said out loud;
"(delete the extra space here) Satan(,) if you are going to take my soul(,) take it now or release it."
I guess(,) I was just tired of
Somehow(,) I
The next day(,) I arose early(.) (M)my wife had taken
made breakfast for my 13 year old daughter(,) Emily(,) and my 11 year old niece(,) Samantha.
to the ocean for a swim(,) and Samantha
I rode a couple(,) and I got slammed
As I came close to the shore(,) Samantha was there and she asked me," (delete the extra space here) (H)how it was?".(if she's saying this, she'd say,"How was it?)
"It's a little rough(,)"(delete this , all the punctuation goes with in the parathases) I said.
"Could you bring me out(,)" (delete this ,) (s)She asked.
I had seen Samantha jump through a few waves and thought it would be OK if I brought her out to jump through a wave or two. (too wordy and repetative. I suggest" I'd seen Samantha jump through a few waves and thought it would be OK if I brought her out.)
The waves started to pound in furiously(,) one after another(.) (A)and one wave caught hold of her and ripped her from my grasp.
Immediately(,) she was tossed and tumbled(,) and (delete all the water started to suck her out.
Next thing I knew(,) we were both over our heads.
the shore with all my might(,) but the shore was getting further away.
I was tired(,) and I waved to the shore
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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I pulled quite a bit out of the first part of this story. It has lots of grammar error, but the main thing is you're telling the story, not showing it. Describe the waves, what they look like how they feel. The smell of the ocean, the terror of watching the shore fade. It's just so matter of fact, flat and dull. If you need help do a lock and key and ask the more experienced writers to help Keep at it, everyone sort of stars out this way.
ocean(,) and so we went camping
The waves on this day were incredible(,) because a hurricane way out at sea had kicked up the surf
I had gotten away from church(,) and I had done a few
things(,) that's lets just say(,) I'm not proud of.
I looked at the water and I said out loud;
"(delete the extra space here) Satan(,) if you are going to take my soul(,) take it now or release it."
I guess(,) I was just tired of
Somehow(,) I
The next day(,) I arose early(.) (M)my wife had taken
made breakfast for my 13 year old daughter(,) Emily(,) and my 11 year old niece(,) Samantha.
to the ocean for a swim(,) and Samantha
I rode a couple(,) and I got slammed
As I came close to the shore(,) Samantha was there and she asked me," (delete the extra space here) (H)how it was?".(if she's saying this, she'd say,"How was it?)
"It's a little rough(,)"(delete this , all the punctuation goes with in the parathases) I said.
"Could you bring me out(,)" (delete this ,) (s)She asked.
I had seen Samantha jump through a few waves and thought it would be OK if I brought her out to jump through a wave or two. (too wordy and repetative. I suggest" I'd seen Samantha jump through a few waves and thought it would be OK if I brought her out.)
The waves started to pound in furiously(,) one after another(.) (A)and one wave caught hold of her and ripped her from my grasp.
Immediately(,) she was tossed and tumbled(,) and (delete all the water started to suck her out.
Next thing I knew(,) we were both over our heads.
the shore with all my might(,) but the shore was getting further away.
I was tired(,) and I waved to the shore
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Thanks for the corrections and the advice.
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what the heck is a lock and key
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You know you really killed my story i have two six star ratings and you three. well its all good fictionwriter. I have made many improvements since you wrote this any chance for a redo?
Comment from Meshe Nair
Wow! It must have been scary. Well written. Story reads and flows good.
A few suggestions if you want to look it over.
even better then they = even better than they
couldnt get their fast enough = couldn't get there fast enough
She manage to = She managed to
Good entry to the contest and best wishes.
Meshe Nair
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Wow! It must have been scary. Well written. Story reads and flows good.
A few suggestions if you want to look it over.
even better then they = even better than they
couldnt get their fast enough = couldn't get there fast enough
She manage to = She managed to
Good entry to the contest and best wishes.
Meshe Nair
Comment Written 21-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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thank you for the corrections
Comment from daffodil
What an amazing story. I wondered half way through it, if it was a true story. I'm so glad that you didn't give up. The saying applies here. God helps those who help themselves. God bless and good luck in the com. Daffodil
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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What an amazing story. I wondered half way through it, if it was a true story. I'm so glad that you didn't give up. The saying applies here. God helps those who help themselves. God bless and good luck in the com. Daffodil
Comment Written 21-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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thank you and don'tforget to vote
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Yor.re wellcome
Comment from jlsavell
keimosobie, what a terrifying ordeal. A life changing event that perhaps has saved your life more than once. Very well written. Best wishes with the contest..well done..jlsavell
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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keimosobie, what a terrifying ordeal. A life changing event that perhaps has saved your life more than once. Very well written. Best wishes with the contest..well done..jlsavell
Comment Written 21-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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thank you
Comment from Jen Gentry
I enjoyed your story immensely. I can relate to your challenge of the devil. You expressed yourself well I might try to change or re-word some of your anyways or so's.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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I enjoyed your story immensely. I can relate to your challenge of the devil. You expressed yourself well I might try to change or re-word some of your anyways or so's.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Ok thanks.