Little Billy
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "The Challenge."memiors from my life experiences.
97 total reviews
Comment from Walter L. Jones
Sometimes we write, others we live, the write becomes the voice, and sound of reson shared, so powerful we seeas the man, yet so humble as the reason of existance..good voice.. walt
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Sometimes we write, others we live, the write becomes the voice, and sound of reson shared, so powerful we seeas the man, yet so humble as the reason of existance..good voice.. walt
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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thank you so much
Comment from Fikshunlover
Well, this is an exciting story and you wrote the descriptions of your ordeal well. Many times real life stories are more exciting than those from someones imagination. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Well, this is an exciting story and you wrote the descriptions of your ordeal well. Many times real life stories are more exciting than those from someones imagination. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Yes sometimes the truth is stranger then fiction. Thanks for the review.
Comment from pugrpoems
Wonderful and beautiful!!! That is an awesome story. God is so good and merciful. He has control over the winds and the waves. He makes a way where there seems to be no way. What is impossible with man is possible with God! God bless you. I am glad that you and samantha made it out safely. Great story. pugrpoems.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Wonderful and beautiful!!! That is an awesome story. God is so good and merciful. He has control over the winds and the waves. He makes a way where there seems to be no way. What is impossible with man is possible with God! God bless you. I am glad that you and samantha made it out safely. Great story. pugrpoems.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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thank you that was very kind of you.
Comment from YagmurEge
This is a very thrilling story. Descriptions are excellent, and complete. Great writing as it was very easy to read. One minor correction:
"there was no gas left in my tank", should have started with a capital letter.
May be Satan does not care when you challenge him, he shows himself when you are the most vulnerable?
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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This is a very thrilling story. Descriptions are excellent, and complete. Great writing as it was very easy to read. One minor correction:
"there was no gas left in my tank", should have started with a capital letter.
May be Satan does not care when you challenge him, he shows himself when you are the most vulnerable?
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Thank you for that excellent review.
Comment from closetpoetjester
Wow, gosh and I am awestruck by this wonderful and harrowing story.
So wish I had a sixer left but alas I am out but this reeks of one.
What a story and all true? Wowee. I loved it from beginning to end and I somehow sensed this was a good one from your comprehensive story telling style with excellent narratives to create an imagery beyond compare. I was there in the surf too...this is such a harrowing ordeal firstly may I say I am glad it all turned out for you...isn't it strange though...you threw the challenge out and if you really want to look at it that way your resolve and strength and Faith was tested in those days.
We should not tempt fate.
I had an incident with a poem I posted about a fake fire and the very next day I had a stove fire, two days later I burned the palm of my hand badly on a bbq plate and within the week my children got scolded with hot coffee...I wrote an apology post about what happened and vowed I would never speak of fire again unless it really happened.
A few months later I was joking to my husband about the scorch mark on the stove top after just removing a saucepan from the hot element. I made a wise crack about the incident while we were both standing there and I swear to God the element flamed up in one spot suddenly as if a drop of fat or oil had fallen on it...right after I said it... We both looked at each other in amazement and I am glad my husband was witness as no one I am sure would have believed me...so I no longer tempt the devil or fate.
Back to your piece though...
Your story was rivetting, confronting, dangerous, captivating, harrowing and most of all well told and you put the reader right there. Sometimes the truthful ones are the best ones because I am sure anyone that was not in your situation could describe it as acutely as you did.
Bravo and I am only sorry I could not bestow a six on you for this as it is the best story I have read in quite awhile.
Kudos to you...
Cheers closetpoetjester
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Wow, gosh and I am awestruck by this wonderful and harrowing story.
So wish I had a sixer left but alas I am out but this reeks of one.
What a story and all true? Wowee. I loved it from beginning to end and I somehow sensed this was a good one from your comprehensive story telling style with excellent narratives to create an imagery beyond compare. I was there in the surf too...this is such a harrowing ordeal firstly may I say I am glad it all turned out for you...isn't it strange though...you threw the challenge out and if you really want to look at it that way your resolve and strength and Faith was tested in those days.
We should not tempt fate.
I had an incident with a poem I posted about a fake fire and the very next day I had a stove fire, two days later I burned the palm of my hand badly on a bbq plate and within the week my children got scolded with hot coffee...I wrote an apology post about what happened and vowed I would never speak of fire again unless it really happened.
A few months later I was joking to my husband about the scorch mark on the stove top after just removing a saucepan from the hot element. I made a wise crack about the incident while we were both standing there and I swear to God the element flamed up in one spot suddenly as if a drop of fat or oil had fallen on it...right after I said it... We both looked at each other in amazement and I am glad my husband was witness as no one I am sure would have believed me...so I no longer tempt the devil or fate.
Back to your piece though...
Your story was rivetting, confronting, dangerous, captivating, harrowing and most of all well told and you put the reader right there. Sometimes the truthful ones are the best ones because I am sure anyone that was not in your situation could describe it as acutely as you did.
Bravo and I am only sorry I could not bestow a six on you for this as it is the best story I have read in quite awhile.
Kudos to you...
Cheers closetpoetjester
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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thank you and I will keep the sixer in spirit.
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Please do. This was such a wonderful and inspirational story and again I am glad you are okay.
Comment from Kelly Shackelford
this kept me on the edge og my seat! great writing. i am so happy that God protected sam and you. thank you so much for sharng it with us.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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this kept me on the edge og my seat! great writing. i am so happy that God protected sam and you. thank you so much for sharng it with us.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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NP Kelly thanks for the review.
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
This is a review made after corrections made.
The story is very inspirational and one which needs to be told. Your updated version really does a lot more justice to it!
The ocean is indeed beautiful but it can also be very dangerous, as you point out.
I noticed one little spag:
I (laid) lay there on the shore...'
I look forward to reading more of your work.
Juliette
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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This is a review made after corrections made.
The story is very inspirational and one which needs to be told. Your updated version really does a lot more justice to it!
The ocean is indeed beautiful but it can also be very dangerous, as you point out.
I noticed one little spag:
I (laid) lay there on the shore...'
I look forward to reading more of your work.
Juliette
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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thanks didf you bother to read past the first paragraph i wonder?
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I'm sorry I said that, however; You should be reviewing my writing based on my writing not what other people have reviewed about it. I didnt agree with your quickly recommendation that sounds bad. Yes i made all the corrections but I had an error where I had opened two windows of my story toi edit it I made the corrections on one page and started editing my story on another so it didnt get saved thanks for pointing out that unecssary recomendation. As you can see if you read it the corrections were made unless i possibly missed one as there were many. Thanks
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Yes, I did read the first paragraph and every other paragraph to the end. I don't understand why you ask? Keimosobie, my comments were meant to be helpful - if you are not happy with them I will remove and upgrade to five stars - but ultimately that won't help you as a writer.
Juliette
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Keimosobie, I was not reviewing based on what other people have said but on my own observations. The reason I made mention of other reviewers was so that I did not have to cover the same ground. My rating is based on the comments I made - but again, my last reply still stands.
Juliette
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well then thank you for your honest comentary . I did not mean to offend Miss chamberlin.
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I can see that you were hurt by my comments but you did not offend me. Now, do youi suggest that i reread since you say that you were correcting? I may have read before you posted the changes.
Juliette
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yes that would be nice and Samantha is my niece.
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Yes, even as I was writing I was trying to remember if she was your niece or your daughter. I have been back and had a quick look and I see that you have removed the surplus of oceans so I will reread the whole story.
Juliette
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i didn't change amazingly quickly that just dosent sound right to me.
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Gramatically, it should be 'quickly' rather than 'quick.' but I take your point about it not sounding right.
Juliette
Comment from RebelRose
As someone who doesn't swim, this is rather frightening to me. However, you wrote it well and since it is a true story, I am very glad you lived to tell about it. Some definitely came from your ordeal. A good story that was easy to read and flowed well.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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As someone who doesn't swim, this is rather frightening to me. However, you wrote it well and since it is a true story, I am very glad you lived to tell about it. Some definitely came from your ordeal. A good story that was easy to read and flowed well.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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thank you.
Comment from RobertaLee
Your story is action packed (like wow!) and provides a good read--and an opportunity to glorify God who saved you and your daughter from yourself. A couple of suggestions; each time you use "had" you put your sentence into the passive voice. Most of the time you don't need the word at all, the verb following will suffice nicely. Removing them whenever the sentence allows will move the action into the active voice and make it more readable.
"I had swallowed about a ton of water, but somehow managed to tell her at least we were alive." [This sentence does not require quotation marks.]
I prayed an Our Father [When providing the title to a specific work, it needs either to be underlined, or when not available, quotation marked.
There is a wonderful sight, purdueowl.com, for being refreshed on grammar rules easily and quickly. As a nurse you obviously must use one style of writing but it would be helpful for you to peruse the creative writing suggestions and rules on the sight. You must have been horrified when this experience occurred, but the emotions don't come through very well, just the action.
Excellent rendering. Best wishes in the contest.
Blessings,Roberta
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Your story is action packed (like wow!) and provides a good read--and an opportunity to glorify God who saved you and your daughter from yourself. A couple of suggestions; each time you use "had" you put your sentence into the passive voice. Most of the time you don't need the word at all, the verb following will suffice nicely. Removing them whenever the sentence allows will move the action into the active voice and make it more readable.
"I had swallowed about a ton of water, but somehow managed to tell her at least we were alive." [This sentence does not require quotation marks.]
I prayed an Our Father [When providing the title to a specific work, it needs either to be underlined, or when not available, quotation marked.
There is a wonderful sight, purdueowl.com, for being refreshed on grammar rules easily and quickly. As a nurse you obviously must use one style of writing but it would be helpful for you to peruse the creative writing suggestions and rules on the sight. You must have been horrified when this experience occurred, but the emotions don't come through very well, just the action.
Excellent rendering. Best wishes in the contest.
Blessings,Roberta
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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thank you corrections made.
Comment from samandlancelot
Very suspenseful story throughout. You told it well.
When you are talking to Satan, you are not talking to God. Resist the devil, don't talk to him.
You can talk to God the same way you spoke to the reader in this story. You don't need to say an "Our Father." Speak to Him, through Jesus Christ, like your would speak to a friend.
fix things with the almighty, (Almighty) so I
I guess, (remove comma) I was just tired
shark to devour me, (remove comma - dependent clause follows conjunction) and take me away.
the swell of the ocean (add comma) the roar of the wav
13 year old (thirteen-year-old) daughter, (remove comma) Emily, (remove comma - if you had more than one thirteen-year-old daughter, you would use commas, but if she's your only thirteen-year-old daughter, you do not use commas) and my 11 year old niece, (eleven-year-old) (unless you have more than one eleven-year-old niece, remove the comma) Samantha. I then told my brother in law, (brother-in-law) Tom, I was going over to the ocean for a swim, and Samantha, (remove comma) and Emily, (remove comma) quickly asked to come along.
a couple (add comma - two independent clauses joined by conjuntion) and I got slammed, (remove comma - dependent clause follows conjunction) and scraped
of the day before, (remove comma) and the lack of sleep
As I came close to the shore (add comma - introductory adverb clause) Samantha was there (add comma) and she asked me," How (remove space after " )is it out there?". (remove period)
"It's a little rough", (rough," - commas and periods always go inside end quote) I said.
"Why (add comma) do you want to go out?"
My God, what am I going to do?, I thought. (italics indicate thoughts. You could change this to italics and delete 'I thought')
as the shore was getting further, (farther - physical distance) (remove comma) and further (farther) away.
The shore was getting further (farther) from my sight (add semicolon) we were at least a 1/4 mile out.
willing to die for her; (change semicolon to comma) I had won and God has
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Very suspenseful story throughout. You told it well.
When you are talking to Satan, you are not talking to God. Resist the devil, don't talk to him.
You can talk to God the same way you spoke to the reader in this story. You don't need to say an "Our Father." Speak to Him, through Jesus Christ, like your would speak to a friend.
fix things with the almighty, (Almighty) so I
I guess, (remove comma) I was just tired
shark to devour me, (remove comma - dependent clause follows conjunction) and take me away.
the swell of the ocean (add comma) the roar of the wav
13 year old (thirteen-year-old) daughter, (remove comma) Emily, (remove comma - if you had more than one thirteen-year-old daughter, you would use commas, but if she's your only thirteen-year-old daughter, you do not use commas) and my 11 year old niece, (eleven-year-old) (unless you have more than one eleven-year-old niece, remove the comma) Samantha. I then told my brother in law, (brother-in-law) Tom, I was going over to the ocean for a swim, and Samantha, (remove comma) and Emily, (remove comma) quickly asked to come along.
a couple (add comma - two independent clauses joined by conjuntion) and I got slammed, (remove comma - dependent clause follows conjunction) and scraped
of the day before, (remove comma) and the lack of sleep
As I came close to the shore (add comma - introductory adverb clause) Samantha was there (add comma) and she asked me," How (remove space after " )is it out there?". (remove period)
"It's a little rough", (rough," - commas and periods always go inside end quote) I said.
"Why (add comma) do you want to go out?"
My God, what am I going to do?, I thought. (italics indicate thoughts. You could change this to italics and delete 'I thought')
as the shore was getting further, (farther - physical distance) (remove comma) and further (farther) away.
The shore was getting further (farther) from my sight (add semicolon) we were at least a 1/4 mile out.
willing to die for her; (change semicolon to comma) I had won and God has
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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I'm getting very frustrated now people told me to ad commas the same p[lace your telling me to take them out. I am begining to think this site is for the birds.
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Don't give up on the site because of conflicting reviews. There are so many punctuation rules, it's difficult to get it right. That's why I add the rule when reviewing work. It's important to learn the rules so that you can better edit your own work and sort out advice. It's worth the effort. There are plenty of reputable sites online to help you. I took a Writer's Digest Grammar workshop several years ago. I use my notes from that class every day. Punctuation is a road map for the reader. It is good to work on perfecting this area.
I hope you stay.
Patricia
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well corrections made again maybe you will consider it again?
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I raised your rating to five stars.
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thank you i do appreciate your input.