Double Trouble
Su Lin is a hired killer.60 total reviews
Comment from BellaSpirit
Wow, Bob! What an intense and 'on the edge of my seat' adventure. You absolutely took me into the scene, as if I were right there. You are a fantastic storyteller! I loved your descriptive comparisons such as:
Not as bad as Alabama heat, but dense and sticky, smelling of burned transmission fluid, spoiled fruit, and bubble gum.
You have a way of bringing even the smallest details to the reader's eye, like these lines:
She pulled her thick black hair straight back, tried a bun, but then knotted a French braid. Not satisfied with either of these looks, she finally piled her thick tresses on top and secured them with a bunch of bobby pins.
The twist at the end was sheer genius! This is a winner if I ever saw one. I want more!!!
There are a few things to fix, mainly punctuation and typos, but I sent you a PM. These small things do not warrant a lesser rating, as the story line is magnificent.
BellaSpirit
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Wow, Bob! What an intense and 'on the edge of my seat' adventure. You absolutely took me into the scene, as if I were right there. You are a fantastic storyteller! I loved your descriptive comparisons such as:
Not as bad as Alabama heat, but dense and sticky, smelling of burned transmission fluid, spoiled fruit, and bubble gum.
You have a way of bringing even the smallest details to the reader's eye, like these lines:
She pulled her thick black hair straight back, tried a bun, but then knotted a French braid. Not satisfied with either of these looks, she finally piled her thick tresses on top and secured them with a bunch of bobby pins.
The twist at the end was sheer genius! This is a winner if I ever saw one. I want more!!!
There are a few things to fix, mainly punctuation and typos, but I sent you a PM. These small things do not warrant a lesser rating, as the story line is magnificent.
BellaSpirit
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Wow, Bella! You honor me so much with this rating and review! I do so much appreciate it! The fact that you sent me my boo boos in private mail shows a lot of chRACTER AND TOLERANCE ON YOUR PART. lol...tHANKS SO MUCH, AGAIN...xx bOB
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Wow, Bella! You honor me so much with this rating and review! I do so much appreciate it! The fact that you sent me my boo boos in private mail shows a lot of character and consideration to me as an author..Thanks again, Bob XX
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Well, You're very welcome Bob, and thank you.
Have a great day!
BellaSpirit
Comment from stormwolf2
Hi Bob, I read this a while ago and this is the first chance I've had to write the review. The SPAGs that I spotted have already been mentioned. There is one little nit left.
Birmingham before anyone realized he'd left,he thought. Needs space between (left, he)
A very powerful story, with good imagery and a nice pace. The action was very good and well told.
Su Lin is a strong character and one I would like to meet. She is sexy, tough and scary all in one. Your description of her walking through the house with the gun, was superb.
I visualized it as a movie. A great story my friend, a one you should be proud of and has to be a winner.
Are you going to turn this into a full novel? You ought to.
It was a pleasure to read and look forward to more.
Good luck, my friend.
Best wishes,
Malcolm
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Hi Bob, I read this a while ago and this is the first chance I've had to write the review. The SPAGs that I spotted have already been mentioned. There is one little nit left.
Birmingham before anyone realized he'd left,he thought. Needs space between (left, he)
A very powerful story, with good imagery and a nice pace. The action was very good and well told.
Su Lin is a strong character and one I would like to meet. She is sexy, tough and scary all in one. Your description of her walking through the house with the gun, was superb.
I visualized it as a movie. A great story my friend, a one you should be proud of and has to be a winner.
Are you going to turn this into a full novel? You ought to.
It was a pleasure to read and look forward to more.
Good luck, my friend.
Best wishes,
Malcolm
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Awww! You honor me, Malcom. I really and truly appreciate this review so much. You have encouraged me...and yes, I may make it into a book at that..What the hell. Blessings my friend...Bob
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You have a great way with words. This story is a winner, and crying out to be written!
Best wishes,
Malcolm
Comment from MaureenC
Bob, this piece of yours kept me intrigued from beginning to end. Very strong characterisation of Su Lin and came across believable.
To be able to get this long a story from a picture, to me is nothing short of amazing.
Well done
Regards
Maureen
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Bob, this piece of yours kept me intrigued from beginning to end. Very strong characterisation of Su Lin and came across believable.
To be able to get this long a story from a picture, to me is nothing short of amazing.
Well done
Regards
Maureen
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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LOL...funny you should mention that, Maureen because I worked on it every since the announcment and three times tossed it...I was goint to tell Tom I wanted to back out of my reservatiion for it. LOL...I am so delighted you liked it..Bless you...Bob
Comment from Readywriter52
I thought you describe the woman in the picture very well. She was a cold blooded murderer but even she has to face a man who wanted to kill her. She did it with determination and strength.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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I thought you describe the woman in the picture very well. She was a cold blooded murderer but even she has to face a man who wanted to kill her. She did it with determination and strength.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Thaank you very much, Readywruter. I appreciate your time and wonderful comments...Bob
Comment from LovnPeace
comely face was an intellect far more powerful than her anyone could
her arm and pressed as hard as he could. Ssuddenly, Su Lin's arm
wrapped her it. Jesus Christ!
Bob this is all messed up at the beginning. Your bio hids it and there are a few errors. Not sure if i got them all. Interesting story line. It held my attention.
Get in touch so i can up this rating ok?. Liked the story.
Blessings, Barbara
Rating corrected and work. WELL DONE Bob. Barbara
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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comely face was an intellect far more powerful than her anyone could
her arm and pressed as hard as he could. Ssuddenly, Su Lin's arm
wrapped her it. Jesus Christ!
Bob this is all messed up at the beginning. Your bio hids it and there are a few errors. Not sure if i got them all. Interesting story line. It held my attention.
Get in touch so i can up this rating ok?. Liked the story.
Blessings, Barbara
Rating corrected and work. WELL DONE Bob. Barbara
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Hi, Barb...Yes, you were one of the first to review this and I have long since made the corrections, tthanks...I believe I got them all and an upgrade would be most appreciate....Bob
Comment from WingedSyn
When I first started reading this, I found myself wondering why you had included the few meager paragraphs about Su Lin's parents and how it tied in with the rest of the story. Then, I got to the end and I found myself going back to reread some pieces of the text. I'll say that I rather love stories that make me have to do that. Whether or not I liked the overall plot, it means the characters were just that interesting to make me want to understand the whole picture. Great job!
On some finer points, though the background did eventually tie in, I do think that the story as a whole could be coiled in a little more tightly. Some sections were too drawn out with unnecessary description, one example being the transition between Su Lin's present life and her memories of her parents. The parents will become the important part, so be sure not to drown it out with too much white noise. Su Lin is a strong character on her own. Don't be afraid to rely on that strength to show itself in her actions and words rather than long backgrounds.
Overall, I thought it was a really excellent piece. I look forward to reading more!
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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When I first started reading this, I found myself wondering why you had included the few meager paragraphs about Su Lin's parents and how it tied in with the rest of the story. Then, I got to the end and I found myself going back to reread some pieces of the text. I'll say that I rather love stories that make me have to do that. Whether or not I liked the overall plot, it means the characters were just that interesting to make me want to understand the whole picture. Great job!
On some finer points, though the background did eventually tie in, I do think that the story as a whole could be coiled in a little more tightly. Some sections were too drawn out with unnecessary description, one example being the transition between Su Lin's present life and her memories of her parents. The parents will become the important part, so be sure not to drown it out with too much white noise. Su Lin is a strong character on her own. Don't be afraid to rely on that strength to show itself in her actions and words rather than long backgrounds.
Overall, I thought it was a really excellent piece. I look forward to reading more!
Comment Written 13-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Well, thank you very much for your insights, Syn. I do appreciate honesty in reviews and it appears you are quite knowledgeable...I will be sure to catch your work from now on...Yes, I twisted and turned in my mind about the long backgrounds on the parents..In the fathers case it was just my way of establishing his character in the living story..The mother on the other hand was a vehicle to show th ekind of childhood Su Lin Had...probably overdone I grant you...Thanks again, Bob
Comment from pixiemillie
I cannot believe the mind of someone who could write a piece as gripping as this from the provided photo. This is absolutely filled with intrigue. You must have done a lot of research for this piece or lived such a long time and had so many experiences to write such a post. Starting with your knowledge of 'bobby pins' and the way Su Lin does her hair, the glock, the fighting techniques and use of the garotte, the vivid description of the strangling, the finding just the right pressure point to numb the extremity, the drugs.
The end was a shock to both Su Lin and this reviewer. I can't believe you will leave this here. Your first 6 words had me hooked and I was swept through this post like a sand storm through the desert--how's that?
This is full of analogies to many to mention but I will point out a few that are perfect:
gold Hilfiger t-shirt stuck to her body like wet Kleenex. She slid out of bed and went to the window.
Weed-Eater that sounded like a dentist's drill.
Alabama heat, but dense and sticky, smelling of burned transmission fluid, spoiled fruit, and bubble gum.
Reality swept over her like a fire raging through a paper house.
A couple of misfires:
She grabbed a towel she'd left on the bed and wrapped her it.
And in the paragraph starting with effin bastard- -hee
Of course I'm a mafia buff so I really enjoyed this. Thank you so much for your creative mind- -I haven't done this piece justice in this review, but . . .you'll understand that I thought this was excellent- -no, exceptional! Good luck in this contest- -not only did Su Lin come out strong in character but physically strong as well.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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I cannot believe the mind of someone who could write a piece as gripping as this from the provided photo. This is absolutely filled with intrigue. You must have done a lot of research for this piece or lived such a long time and had so many experiences to write such a post. Starting with your knowledge of 'bobby pins' and the way Su Lin does her hair, the glock, the fighting techniques and use of the garotte, the vivid description of the strangling, the finding just the right pressure point to numb the extremity, the drugs.
The end was a shock to both Su Lin and this reviewer. I can't believe you will leave this here. Your first 6 words had me hooked and I was swept through this post like a sand storm through the desert--how's that?
This is full of analogies to many to mention but I will point out a few that are perfect:
gold Hilfiger t-shirt stuck to her body like wet Kleenex. She slid out of bed and went to the window.
Weed-Eater that sounded like a dentist's drill.
Alabama heat, but dense and sticky, smelling of burned transmission fluid, spoiled fruit, and bubble gum.
Reality swept over her like a fire raging through a paper house.
A couple of misfires:
She grabbed a towel she'd left on the bed and wrapped her it.
And in the paragraph starting with effin bastard- -hee
Of course I'm a mafia buff so I really enjoyed this. Thank you so much for your creative mind- -I haven't done this piece justice in this review, but . . .you'll understand that I thought this was excellent- -no, exceptional! Good luck in this contest- -not only did Su Lin come out strong in character but physically strong as well.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Wow! Pixie, you have honored me so much with this review..You pay attention to detail and my little quirks in writing...I love it. Thanks so much for your fine review and the great group of six stars..I am truly appreciative...Bob
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I loved it- -and you deserved the six. If I had an eight you would have gotten it for this piece.
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:D Again, thanks...Bob
Comment from joan marie
Need to add quotation marks end of sentence, Says who, Gary? Sounds like...In paragraph beginning Fuckin' bastard, second sentence he[e]. Great story. Character really believable. Too bad there isn't more. joan marie
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2009
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Need to add quotation marks end of sentence, Says who, Gary? Sounds like...In paragraph beginning Fuckin' bastard, second sentence he[e]. Great story. Character really believable. Too bad there isn't more. joan marie
Comment Written 13-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2009
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Thanks for the tips, Joan...I do so appreciate that....Bob
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Sometimes I edit something so many times I don't understand how I can miss so many things, but I'm learning. I wish I could write and only have a couple typos! jm
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I know the feeling...:D Bob
Comment from AlvinTEthington
An extremely powerful story. Very good descriptive qualities--this needs a violence warning as well as a language warning. You describe well those who live on the fringes of society and their lack of morals and respect for human life. Frightening.
One copy editing remark:
"Says who, Gary? Sounds like the bullshit machine is working overtime again. --close quotation
The coarse language develops the characters very well.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2009
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An extremely powerful story. Very good descriptive qualities--this needs a violence warning as well as a language warning. You describe well those who live on the fringes of society and their lack of morals and respect for human life. Frightening.
One copy editing remark:
"Says who, Gary? Sounds like the bullshit machine is working overtime again. --close quotation
The coarse language develops the characters very well.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much, Al. Coming from you, I am honored and thanks for the tips, too...All taken care of...Bob
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IF you close the quotation after "Gary", where do the next words come from? If they are interior thought, they need to be italicized. If they are part of the direct quotation, you need to close the quotation after them.
Comment from darkgreennights
This is good stuff and let me tell you if your book is ever made into a movie, men are going to LOVE Su Lin! I like a mystery thriller with a female protagonist, I shall plan to read on.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2009
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This is good stuff and let me tell you if your book is ever made into a movie, men are going to LOVE Su Lin! I like a mystery thriller with a female protagonist, I shall plan to read on.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2009
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Thanks so much, dgn. With your approval, I am honored...Bob