Murder One
Jury Duty - Is she telling the truth?78 total reviews
Comment from DREAMGIRL
Got to give this one a six star. I loved the whole story and especially the twist at the end. Well done you had me convinced too all through that she was not guilty. the evidence and argument alone would have done it for me but the twist really put the tin hat on it.
Great piece of work, keep going with this kind of story telling and you will be going places
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2008
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Got to give this one a six star. I loved the whole story and especially the twist at the end. Well done you had me convinced too all through that she was not guilty. the evidence and argument alone would have done it for me but the twist really put the tin hat on it.
Great piece of work, keep going with this kind of story telling and you will be going places
Comment Written 16-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2008
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Thank you!! You have made my day with this exceptional rating and your words of encouragement! So glad you liked it that much!
Jan
Comment from D. Longo
Talent shines in this work, Janilou. Well done! A couple of nits for you, and then a few observations:
"We'll be here all night, no, we'll be here all week thanks to you." Semi-colon after "night", or create two sentences?
Ninth paragraph: line beginning "his hand" ought be one space to the left.
Wouldn't the children have known it was their uncle in the balcony? Kids, particularly abused kids, would be sensitive to nuance. If they didn't know their father had a twin brother, which is unlikely, but possible, "Daddy is sitting in the balcony," works.
The knife: conflicting statements - "Susan's fingerprints were on the knife!" "He tells her to turn around and when she does, he stabs her in the back with one of Susans brand-new kitchen knives." His prints would be on the knife, too -unless he was wearing gloves in August. If Dane had wiped the knife clean of prints, neither his nor Susan's prints would be available.
On the witness program thing: it's a mistrial if anyone ever finds out that the former Mrs. Robbins was on the jury, which would be a shame.
On the twist: ( personal preference ) as a reader, I'd have been more impressed if the narrator hadn't the benefit of acqaintance. Logical thinking is a rare faculty in modern America, and I would have eagerly awaited future offerings from Juror Number 6 (?).
In courthouses, hallway thermostats are tamper-proof.(Sorry)
Hope the above comments help, Janilou. I enjoyed the story, and loved the writing.
D.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2008
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Talent shines in this work, Janilou. Well done! A couple of nits for you, and then a few observations:
"We'll be here all night, no, we'll be here all week thanks to you." Semi-colon after "night", or create two sentences?
Ninth paragraph: line beginning "his hand" ought be one space to the left.
Wouldn't the children have known it was their uncle in the balcony? Kids, particularly abused kids, would be sensitive to nuance. If they didn't know their father had a twin brother, which is unlikely, but possible, "Daddy is sitting in the balcony," works.
The knife: conflicting statements - "Susan's fingerprints were on the knife!" "He tells her to turn around and when she does, he stabs her in the back with one of Susans brand-new kitchen knives." His prints would be on the knife, too -unless he was wearing gloves in August. If Dane had wiped the knife clean of prints, neither his nor Susan's prints would be available.
On the witness program thing: it's a mistrial if anyone ever finds out that the former Mrs. Robbins was on the jury, which would be a shame.
On the twist: ( personal preference ) as a reader, I'd have been more impressed if the narrator hadn't the benefit of acqaintance. Logical thinking is a rare faculty in modern America, and I would have eagerly awaited future offerings from Juror Number 6 (?).
In courthouses, hallway thermostats are tamper-proof.(Sorry)
Hope the above comments help, Janilou. I enjoyed the story, and loved the writing.
D.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2008
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Thanks, D! :-) I fixed the nits, and added a sentence about the thermostat. LOL
On the knife - of course he wiped it clean, but Susan's fingerprints were still on it because she moved it when she found Carla. I will have to think of how to slip that fact in! Thank you so much for the great review!
Jan
Comment from Kym Jade
Excellent story, you held my attention all the way through. We both like to watch crime shows, CSIs and NCIS our favourites. Loved this scene and the twist at the end. Good luck with the contest.
Love and blessings
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2008
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Excellent story, you held my attention all the way through. We both like to watch crime shows, CSIs and NCIS our favourites. Loved this scene and the twist at the end. Good luck with the contest.
Love and blessings
Comment Written 15-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2008
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Thank you so much! I am really pleased to hear how much you like it! :-)
Jan
Comment from Susanne M. Psyris
Excellent beginning to end I was engrossed in your storyline and the content was compelling. Dialogue believable and goood....Much enjoyed. Hugs and smiles Susanne
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
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Excellent beginning to end I was engrossed in your storyline and the content was compelling. Dialogue believable and goood....Much enjoyed. Hugs and smiles Susanne
Comment Written 15-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
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Thank you so much, Susanne. :-) I deeply appreciate such a good review from you!
Jan
Comment from tteach
This is so good! You had me from the beginning, and then I had to read on. YOur arguements are logically presented. I didn't see the connection coming! No wonder this juror knew so much, including the twin.
This should win!
terry
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
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This is so good! You had me from the beginning, and then I had to read on. YOur arguements are logically presented. I didn't see the connection coming! No wonder this juror knew so much, including the twin.
This should win!
terry
Comment Written 15-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
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Thank you so much, Terry! :-) I am thrilled to see this review and the wonderful rating!
Hugs,
Jan
Comment from becky7777
wow this is a great story. you had my attention from the start.and then that little twist at the end was the nail in the coffin.LOL good luck in the contest.
Becky
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
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wow this is a great story. you had my attention from the start.and then that little twist at the end was the nail in the coffin.LOL good luck in the contest.
Becky
Comment Written 15-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
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Thank you so much, Becky! :-) I am so glad you enjoyed it!
Jan
Comment from Shari_K
You get six stars for convincing me! I like your story, it is well told, not confusing and it kept me reading non-stop to the end. I am always interested in crime and mystery and your story is an excellent one. I know you did this for a contest, but it could very well be an entire story, maybe you can use to expand! Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
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You get six stars for convincing me! I like your story, it is well told, not confusing and it kept me reading non-stop to the end. I am always interested in crime and mystery and your story is an excellent one. I know you did this for a contest, but it could very well be an entire story, maybe you can use to expand! Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 15-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
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Thank you so much! I can't tell you how much your rating means! I don't often write crime and mystery, so to know you read it often and found this worthy of six stars means a great deal to me!
Jan
Comment from Jewell McChesney
Well, darlin, you convinced me! What an awesome story. I know where you get your inspiration, having been where you've been. You have such a gift. I'm impressed.
Jewell
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
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Well, darlin, you convinced me! What an awesome story. I know where you get your inspiration, having been where you've been. You have such a gift. I'm impressed.
Jewell
Comment Written 15-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
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Bless your heart! Thank you so very much, Jewell! Such an honor. How have you been? We must talk!!
Hugs,
Jan
Comment from joan marie
Bulldog that bit me, what a great line. Aha, the plot thickens, a twin!Another twist in this tale of murder and mayhem, the first wife. I started reading faster and faster as the story carried my along. I will learn a lot from reading your short stories. I have just begun to write them. I was right there in the room, a fly on the wall, so to speak. I thoroughly enjoyed this read. joan marie
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
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Bulldog that bit me, what a great line. Aha, the plot thickens, a twin!Another twist in this tale of murder and mayhem, the first wife. I started reading faster and faster as the story carried my along. I will learn a lot from reading your short stories. I have just begun to write them. I was right there in the room, a fly on the wall, so to speak. I thoroughly enjoyed this read. joan marie
Comment Written 15-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
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Thank you so much, Joan Marie! :-) I am thrilled that you enjoyed this one!
Jan
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It was great. The show and not just tell rule you've got down pat. I could picture the room and the juror with jowls. I think your very talented. I just started and it isn't easy to have a beginning, middle and end in so few words. Write On! joan marie
Comment from syndactl
And once again I see why you are one of the best authors I know, Jan. This was excellent beyond expectations. You set everything out convincingly, concisely, and it made sense too. It reminded me a lot of the old movie "12 Angry Men" with Henry Fonda.
Also to the technical, wonderful job. The story flowed smoothly and I saw no nits at all.
-syndactl
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
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And once again I see why you are one of the best authors I know, Jan. This was excellent beyond expectations. You set everything out convincingly, concisely, and it made sense too. It reminded me a lot of the old movie "12 Angry Men" with Henry Fonda.
Also to the technical, wonderful job. The story flowed smoothly and I saw no nits at all.
-syndactl
Comment Written 15-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
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Wow! Thank you so very much! I am so honored.
Hugs,
Jan