Ten Elephants
Elephants march to their sunset.56 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
This is a striking countdown poem that employs a lot of the real-world implements of destruction in its tragic depiction of elephant slaughter. I heard the last giant tortoise died last week. I felt it as a personal loss. Perhaps your poem will strike a chord with someone who can affect change.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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This is a striking countdown poem that employs a lot of the real-world implements of destruction in its tragic depiction of elephant slaughter. I heard the last giant tortoise died last week. I felt it as a personal loss. Perhaps your poem will strike a chord with someone who can affect change.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Oh, no. The last giant tortoise is gone , too? When I researched elephant poaching for my poem and learned that African elephants may become extinct in the wild in ten to twenty years, I was aghast. Anti-tank mines? Thank you for your review.
Comment from misscookie
What's going on. Yesterday I read a poem about elephants but is was a happy poem. This one really made me sad the little baby elephant died all alone.
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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What's going on. Yesterday I read a poem about elephants but is was a happy poem. This one really made me sad the little baby elephant died all alone.
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Thank you, misscookie, for your kind review. The happy counting poem on elephants inspired me tell what is really going on.
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your very welcome. it funny how someone poem can give you inspiration.
Cookie
Comment from adewpearl
I'm so pleased you wrote this. Excellent rhyming couplets, use of alliteration, all that good poetry stuff, and you truly do a compelling job of social commentary with your specific and horrific examples of the ways elephants are slaughtered cruelly for the greediest, most thoughtless of reasons. Brooke
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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I'm so pleased you wrote this. Excellent rhyming couplets, use of alliteration, all that good poetry stuff, and you truly do a compelling job of social commentary with your specific and horrific examples of the ways elephants are slaughtered cruelly for the greediest, most thoughtless of reasons. Brooke
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Thank you, Brooke, for your kind review and for the inspiration. I never dreamed I would write a counting poem. This one is a nightmare. Many reviewers spoke how my spin off contrasted your "Ten Elephants" poem. Thanks for being an angel.
Comment from SimplyK
Oh my goodness, poor elephants, and of course it's all true, I know it. I appreciate your words, message and meaning at the end in particular. Not many people understand how elephants grieve. I'm not sure how my 8 year olds would cope with this though, I think some of the imagery is a little strong for children.
Al blessings and thanks for your words
K
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Oh my goodness, poor elephants, and of course it's all true, I know it. I appreciate your words, message and meaning at the end in particular. Not many people understand how elephants grieve. I'm not sure how my 8 year olds would cope with this though, I think some of the imagery is a little strong for children.
Al blessings and thanks for your words
K
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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I agree with you. I would never allow 8 year olds to read this poem alone because the imagery is strong even for adults. This is a poem parents and teachers best should read with older children because it is a conversation starter. You have to explain why.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I appreciate what you are trying to achieve with this poem. It is well constructed and realised well.
The issue I have is that this is supposed to be for children and I think this is a bit too much and some of the language used would not necessarily be that apparent for children - spiked melons? Just my opinion for what its worth.
GMG
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Hi there,
I appreciate what you are trying to achieve with this poem. It is well constructed and realised well.
The issue I have is that this is supposed to be for children and I think this is a bit too much and some of the language used would not necessarily be that apparent for children - spiked melons? Just my opinion for what its worth.
GMG
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Thank you, giraffmang, for your kind and thoughtful review. Other reviewers share your concern that the poem is a bit too much for children. It was a bit too much for me reading articles and seeing pictures of the techniques poachers use to kill elephants.
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I couldn't agree with you more on that front, but I don't think this competition is the right avenue for the poem's stance.
Poaching is a horrendous crime, and not just against elephants. I have seen footage of elephants showing sorrow over their dead. As indeed man does against himself.
Comment from Eric1
This is a really wonderful entry for this poem concerning death for children competition, I am so glad that Brooke's 'Ten Elephants' inspired you, you have written a sad yet true poem on how the Elephant population is being gradually diminished.
Good luck in the contest my friend.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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This is a really wonderful entry for this poem concerning death for children competition, I am so glad that Brooke's 'Ten Elephants' inspired you, you have written a sad yet true poem on how the Elephant population is being gradually diminished.
Good luck in the contest my friend.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Thank you, Eric1, for your kind review for a sad, but true poem. I am also glad that Brooke's "Ten Elephants" inspired me.
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You're welcome my friend
Comment from Deborah Marie
Lovely spin off of Brooke's poem paired nicely with photo and color scheme. Wonderfully presentation with light and airy progression, rhythm and flow. A nice children's poem about death that my daughter(22) should read. She's worried about our 14 year old dog who has a heart condition... Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest. God Bless, Deb
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Lovely spin off of Brooke's poem paired nicely with photo and color scheme. Wonderfully presentation with light and airy progression, rhythm and flow. A nice children's poem about death that my daughter(22) should read. She's worried about our 14 year old dog who has a heart condition... Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest. God Bless, Deb
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Thank you, Deborah, for your kind review. It means a lot to me that you feel this is a nice children's poem about death. Many reviewers told me they would not share it with children because it is too honest and violent. Thanks for the contest well wishes.
Comment from walbc
Your poem has an easy flow in its rhythm and rhyming. It held my attention from the very beginning because I wanted to know what happened. Despite its apparent simple form, it is indeed a sad, tragic story. More so because it is real and not a figment of anyone's imagination. I love elephants, my favourite animals on earth because they look after each other and family is everything to them. Shame on mankind. Well written. walbc
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Your poem has an easy flow in its rhythm and rhyming. It held my attention from the very beginning because I wanted to know what happened. Despite its apparent simple form, it is indeed a sad, tragic story. More so because it is real and not a figment of anyone's imagination. I love elephants, my favourite animals on earth because they look after each other and family is everything to them. Shame on mankind. Well written. walbc
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Thank you, walbc, for your kind review for a sad poem. I added an omitted stanza after your review. It reads:
Two elephants trudged to the setting sun.
A tank mine blew up. The herd shrank to one.
Yes, poachers use anti-tank mines to kill elephants. All the killing methods I list are currently used. Thanks for your review.
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Thank you, walbc, for your kind review for a sad poem. I added an omitted stanza after your review. It reads:
Two elephants trudged to the setting sun.
A tank mine blew up. The herd shrank to one.
Yes, poachers use anti-tank mines to kill elephants. All the killing methods I list are currently used. Thanks for your review.
Comment from kiwisteveh
Your poem does make an eloquent plea for elephant conservation as your ten are alarmingly whittled down to none at the end.
However, I can't see that this fits in at all with the prompt which was to write a SOOTHING poem for children concerning death. I am afraid any grieving little one confronted with your piece is not really going to be comforted.
One other tiny thing - you seem to have skipped a number at the end - your herd shrinks to three but your next verse starts with two...
Steve
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reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Your poem does make an eloquent plea for elephant conservation as your ten are alarmingly whittled down to none at the end.
However, I can't see that this fits in at all with the prompt which was to write a SOOTHING poem for children concerning death. I am afraid any grieving little one confronted with your piece is not really going to be comforted.
One other tiny thing - you seem to have skipped a number at the end - your herd shrinks to three but your next verse starts with two...
Steve
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Thank you for your constructive criticism. I did not realize I had omitted a verse. I researched and added a verse about poachers using anti-tank mines to kill elephants. You are also right. There is no way my poem will SOOTHE any child.
Comment from Pyrrho
I am pleased that you mentioned adewpear's poem because I thought this was it and wondered what happened to the review I wrote.
You did well with a genre that bores me.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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I am pleased that you mentioned adewpear's poem because I thought this was it and wondered what happened to the review I wrote.
You did well with a genre that bores me.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Yes, the counting poem genre bores me. I read one too many and wrote my own in the starkest language possible.
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Yes, the counting poem genre bores me. I read one too many and wrote my own in the starkest language possible.