Little Billy
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Twisted Faces in hiding places."memiors from my life experiences.
53 total reviews
Comment from Mirandawrites
I don't truly understand the message you're trying to convey, but I recognize this a beautiful piece of writing. I like the way you repeat the two sentences to end the verses. It certainly drives down the message deeper, and if that's your aim, you've succeeded very well.
Not totally understanding it, I still find your poem gripping, and dark and sad. Quite moving, it touches deep emotion without needing the understanding. I find that impressive.
Congratulations on a well written poem,
Miranda
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2010
  |
I don't truly understand the message you're trying to convey, but I recognize this a beautiful piece of writing. I like the way you repeat the two sentences to end the verses. It certainly drives down the message deeper, and if that's your aim, you've succeeded very well.
Not totally understanding it, I still find your poem gripping, and dark and sad. Quite moving, it touches deep emotion without needing the understanding. I find that impressive.
Congratulations on a well written poem,
Miranda
Comment Written 05-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2010
-
thank you for the review and the stars
Comment from Paulpl52
Now I'm not in God's good graces- add apostrophe
Fear overwhelms my heart all AROUND
This is a very deep and dark poem of one of the horrors of childhood. Despite some typos and punctuation issues I will score this five. Keep up the good work, Blessings Paul
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2010
|
Now I'm not in God's good graces- add apostrophe
Fear overwhelms my heart all AROUND
This is a very deep and dark poem of one of the horrors of childhood. Despite some typos and punctuation issues I will score this five. Keep up the good work, Blessings Paul
Comment Written 05-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2010
-
did you notice the apostrophe before the word round it means its abrieviated. thanks for the stars. And i could mean more than one god making it gods. but ill fix the apostrophe.
:)
Comment from AlvinTEthington
Good auditory imagery and personification in the second line. In the tenth line, I think the singular possessive God's would work better than the plural Gods. Although I think the poem would work better if metered (and villanelles often are), the rhyme scheme is well executed. The reason for the four stars is the heavy use of monosyllabic, interior, and feminine rhymes gives a lilting tone to the poem, that does not, at least to me, feel quite right for the seriousness of the work. You portray a troubled child well.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2010
 |
Good auditory imagery and personification in the second line. In the tenth line, I think the singular possessive God's would work better than the plural Gods. Although I think the poem would work better if metered (and villanelles often are), the rhyme scheme is well executed. The reason for the four stars is the heavy use of monosyllabic, interior, and feminine rhymes gives a lilting tone to the poem, that does not, at least to me, feel quite right for the seriousness of the work. You portray a troubled child well.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2010
-
well thanks for the review. guess im still stuck in child hood. makes it easier to portray. I didnt think the rhymes were feminine. although my english lit professor was a female who tought me how to write this.
-
The definition of a feminine rhyme is a rhyme in which the last two syllables rhyme. In a masculine rhyme, only the last syllable rhymes. I hope that is helpful. You're welcome for the review.
-
thanks
-
You're welcome.
Comment from rosah
wow...this is a really dark piece, well written, artwork is superbly chosen, really great poem, thank you for sharing, blessings.
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2010
|
wow...this is a really dark piece, well written, artwork is superbly chosen, really great poem, thank you for sharing, blessings.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2010
-
thank you. it was the first piece I saw. the only actually after i put in my search. thanks for the stars.
Comment from Winslow
Dear keimosobie,
It seems to me you have done wrong but rain does not wash away all traces. For God does know and your soul does too. An interesting verse with good flow.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2010
|
Dear keimosobie,
It seems to me you have done wrong but rain does not wash away all traces. For God does know and your soul does too. An interesting verse with good flow.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 04-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2010
-
mercee bocou(thank you in french cant spell it).
Comment from Minglement
One thing I especially liked about this poem was the repetition of lines and sounds. I liked your cryptic author note - 'Real or imagined?' Nice job.
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2010
|
One thing I especially liked about this poem was the repetition of lines and sounds. I liked your cryptic author note - 'Real or imagined?' Nice job.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2010
-
thats a real complement coming from a published author. Im glad you like it. do you think it meats the qualifications to be called a true villanelle?
-
You're so welocme. I have to re-read it with the vilanelle. I just know it had a nice flow and rhyme. Keep writing! Marcia
Comment from Poetic Diamond
This can either be real or imagined. Certainly we all have horrific moments from our childhood that we suppress and replace with imaginary thoughts. It's a very intriguing poem to say the least, and you told the story well.
There are however a few technical details that need to be addressed:
Second stanza-"imaginations", insert an apostrophe to show possession
Third stanza-"where", should in fact be 'were'
Fourth stanza-"gods", the omnipresent "God" is always capitalized and an apostrophe needs to be inserted to show possession.
Fourth stanza-"round", you're not referring to a sphere. You have in fact abbreviated the word "around", and there for an apostrophe should be inserted before the word.
Sixth stanza-"some how", is one word.
I look forward to reading more of your work, and let me be one of the first to welcome you to the site. I see that you already have two well received poems on the site. Congratulations!...Vikki
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2010
|
This can either be real or imagined. Certainly we all have horrific moments from our childhood that we suppress and replace with imaginary thoughts. It's a very intriguing poem to say the least, and you told the story well.
There are however a few technical details that need to be addressed:
Second stanza-"imaginations", insert an apostrophe to show possession
Third stanza-"where", should in fact be 'were'
Fourth stanza-"gods", the omnipresent "God" is always capitalized and an apostrophe needs to be inserted to show possession.
Fourth stanza-"round", you're not referring to a sphere. You have in fact abbreviated the word "around", and there for an apostrophe should be inserted before the word.
Sixth stanza-"some how", is one word.
I look forward to reading more of your work, and let me be one of the first to welcome you to the site. I see that you already have two well received poems on the site. Congratulations!...Vikki
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2010
-
Yes you have figured this one well. fixed the errors could you consider improving the rating? Thanks for corrections... :)
Comment from adewpearl
Realities paces - Reality's paces
imagination's laces - add the apostrophe for possessive
Mothers' tears - apostrophe for plural possessive
If I where caught - were caught
God's good graces - I added the capital G and the apostrophe for possessive
Mother's great prince - add apostrophe
I enjoyed the flow and repeating lines of your villanelle and the rhymes and the mood you create, keimosobie. Brooke
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2010
|
Realities paces - Reality's paces
imagination's laces - add the apostrophe for possessive
Mothers' tears - apostrophe for plural possessive
If I where caught - were caught
God's good graces - I added the capital G and the apostrophe for possessive
Mother's great prince - add apostrophe
I enjoyed the flow and repeating lines of your villanelle and the rhymes and the mood you create, keimosobie. Brooke
Comment Written 04-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review despite my many punctuation mistakes. I'm glad you like it. Corrections made.
Comment from kiwigirl2821
This one has such an eery visual following the words for me. Loved how it flowed and really liked the word choices made in this one. Great job. Thank you for sharing with me. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2010
|
This one has such an eery visual following the words for me. Loved how it flowed and really liked the word choices made in this one. Great job. Thank you for sharing with me. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 04-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2010
-
no problem it was fun to write it.
Comment from JennieClare
A very haunting poem and although it is not my taste I have awarded a 5 because I appreciate the worth of the poem. It is written really well - it depicts a persons agony for me in a very real way. JennieClare
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2010
|
A very haunting poem and although it is not my taste I have awarded a 5 because I appreciate the worth of the poem. It is written really well - it depicts a persons agony for me in a very real way. JennieClare
Comment Written 04-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2010
-
thank you I new it wouldnt be to taste for most so I had to make it a good write.
-
You are welcome