Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 45 "Chapter 13, part 3"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
69 total reviews
Comment from Allezw2
Lady barbara.wilkey,
Is is that you delight in putting the innocent men in such predicaments?
She shoots her father, too.
You keep some dang dangerous females around your story line.
I'll say the complications are almost slapstick in this posting.
Well, one besotted, the other fearing a righteous anger from her spouse.
Can anything be worse.
Nicely done,
Fantasist
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Lady barbara.wilkey,
Is is that you delight in putting the innocent men in such predicaments?
She shoots her father, too.
You keep some dang dangerous females around your story line.
I'll say the complications are almost slapstick in this posting.
Well, one besotted, the other fearing a righteous anger from her spouse.
Can anything be worse.
Nicely done,
Fantasist
Comment Written 01-May-2010
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Harrisa
Leya doesn't seem to be able to get things right. It seems like she is having a bit of bad luck. I hope she realize Steven is not upset with her before she does something stupid that will make matters worse. This was another enjoyable chapter.
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Leya doesn't seem to be able to get things right. It seems like she is having a bit of bad luck. I hope she realize Steven is not upset with her before she does something stupid that will make matters worse. This was another enjoyable chapter.
Comment Written 01-May-2010
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Ted T
Hi Barbara :)
The story continues to be good and you have some nice dialogue and imaging.
There are a few "nits" and they're common errors.
(Needing time to think,) It would be stronger to say, (He needed time to think).
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(realised) should be (realized).
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(As the sheriff took Steven's arm,) Try, (The sheriff took Steven's arm,) It's stronger.
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(How can I fix this?) is repeated by Leya twice.
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("I hope you can clear this up.") Earlier you wrote, (I want this cleared up as much as you do.") Use a different phrase.
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(Swallowing hard,) would have more impact if you wrote, (She swallowed hard.)
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Just my thoughts. It's your book.
Ted
reply by the author on 01-May-2010
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Hi Barbara :)
The story continues to be good and you have some nice dialogue and imaging.
There are a few "nits" and they're common errors.
(Needing time to think,) It would be stronger to say, (He needed time to think).
___________________
(realised) should be (realized).
_______________________________
(As the sheriff took Steven's arm,) Try, (The sheriff took Steven's arm,) It's stronger.
____________________
(How can I fix this?) is repeated by Leya twice.
____________________
("I hope you can clear this up.") Earlier you wrote, (I want this cleared up as much as you do.") Use a different phrase.
_____________________
___________________
(Swallowing hard,) would have more impact if you wrote, (She swallowed hard.)
______________________
Just my thoughts. It's your book.
Ted
Comment Written 01-May-2010
reply by the author on 01-May-2010
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I have rewrote some of this. I had made some changing and made more errors than I had before. It seems that's a pattern with me. Thank you for catching them.
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Hi :)
We all make mistakes. Norma finds little "nits" in every chapter I post and I love her for doing so.
Ted
Comment from fictionwriter
The tall lanky sheriff sat beside Steven and (You just used sheriff in the last sentence, so I'd advise changing this to possibly just, lanky man.)
realised what was happening(,) the (delete , )sheriff handcuffed him.
Leya watched the sheriff get the cell door key.(I thought the sherrif already got the keys and unlocked the door?)
I don't want Steven yelling at me over my latest mistake. Since my first mistake, I've shot my father and now Steven's in jail. There's no way he'll forgive me now. (this next part shouldn't be in italics, as it's not here thoughts.)She walked out the door.
Great job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-May-2010
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The tall lanky sheriff sat beside Steven and (You just used sheriff in the last sentence, so I'd advise changing this to possibly just, lanky man.)
realised what was happening(,) the (delete , )sheriff handcuffed him.
Leya watched the sheriff get the cell door key.(I thought the sherrif already got the keys and unlocked the door?)
I don't want Steven yelling at me over my latest mistake. Since my first mistake, I've shot my father and now Steven's in jail. There's no way he'll forgive me now. (this next part shouldn't be in italics, as it's not here thoughts.)She walked out the door.
Great job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-May-2010
reply by the author on 01-May-2010
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I have made the corrections. Thank you for catching them.
Comment from missy98writer
Barbara,
I felt the disbelief Steve did when the small town sheriff arrested him for spousal abuse. Lord here we go another misunderstanding. I'm glad Leah arrived at the station from the shelter for abused women to confirm it was her family as in uncles and cousins not her husband. Oh what a tangled mess. Another excellent chapter. Wonderful dialogue, descriptive writing, great imagery, and fast moving narrative. Your chapter is polished and I saw no errors. Bring on another chapter soon. I love the roller coaster of emotions you take your star crossed lovers on. It makes for marvelous romance. Keep up the awesome writing. Your friend. . .Melissa.
reply by the author on 01-May-2010
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Barbara,
I felt the disbelief Steve did when the small town sheriff arrested him for spousal abuse. Lord here we go another misunderstanding. I'm glad Leah arrived at the station from the shelter for abused women to confirm it was her family as in uncles and cousins not her husband. Oh what a tangled mess. Another excellent chapter. Wonderful dialogue, descriptive writing, great imagery, and fast moving narrative. Your chapter is polished and I saw no errors. Bring on another chapter soon. I love the roller coaster of emotions you take your star crossed lovers on. It makes for marvelous romance. Keep up the awesome writing. Your friend. . .Melissa.
Comment Written 01-May-2010
reply by the author on 01-May-2010
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Thank you girlfriend, for your kind review. I appreciate your support.
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Sorry I was late reviewing I had to edit my short story. I have the second and third half in my brain. I've jotted down some notes how to proceed with my short story that may be in five to ten submissions - I'm following Carol's and Lola's style of smaller scale stories. I'm on a poetry roll I've written eight and an essay about God inspired by Brooklyn Poet QQ's poem titled 'God.' I hope to post it after 11PM my time.
Melissa.
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I will be in bed by then, but I will catch it in the morning.
Comment from Helen Tan
At least they're in the same location. Let's hope they can clear this up now. Consider a bit more emotions when Matt greets her, both on Matt and Leya's part. The story is moving.
Your husband's been arrested and you're needed at the sheriff's office to make the identification and give your statement."
This is a long sentence for dialogue. Suggest you break it down.
To show more emotions, have her dialogue interrupted at "Your husband's been arrested ..." and Leya jumping in with "Steven's been arrested? Why?" Leya's eyes widened.
This would be a more realistic on the spot reaction. After Leya's line, continue with what the director was saying -
"When you came into the shelter yesterday, you said you were afraid of your family. Remember? So now, you're needed at the sheriff's..."
Leya set her fork down unable to eat.
I'm not sure about this but should there be a comma after "down".
I hope you get what I'm trying to say.
"Yes. Steven would never hurt me, physically."
I don't think Leya would say. "physically" to the sheriff. After all she's trying to clear Steven's name. By putting this word in, there's a loop hole for "verbal abuse". I guess in Leya's mind, Steven hurts her emotionally but never physically. I'm just not sure whether she would say this to a stranger. I would go with "Yes, Steven would never hurt me.", a firm reply, without doubt.
She walked out the door.
This is your narration, so should not be in italic.
I don't want Steven yelling at me over my latest mistake. Since my first mistake, I've shot my father and now Steven's in jail. There's no way he'll forgive me now
Make these thoughts shorter, more troubled sounding, less complete.
Mistakes after mistakes. Shot my dad, got Steven jailed ... he'll never forgive me now.
Please note this is a poor rewrite but just to give you an idea. I know you can do better than me.
reply by the author on 01-May-2010
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At least they're in the same location. Let's hope they can clear this up now. Consider a bit more emotions when Matt greets her, both on Matt and Leya's part. The story is moving.
Your husband's been arrested and you're needed at the sheriff's office to make the identification and give your statement."
This is a long sentence for dialogue. Suggest you break it down.
To show more emotions, have her dialogue interrupted at "Your husband's been arrested ..." and Leya jumping in with "Steven's been arrested? Why?" Leya's eyes widened.
This would be a more realistic on the spot reaction. After Leya's line, continue with what the director was saying -
"When you came into the shelter yesterday, you said you were afraid of your family. Remember? So now, you're needed at the sheriff's..."
Leya set her fork down unable to eat.
I'm not sure about this but should there be a comma after "down".
I hope you get what I'm trying to say.
"Yes. Steven would never hurt me, physically."
I don't think Leya would say. "physically" to the sheriff. After all she's trying to clear Steven's name. By putting this word in, there's a loop hole for "verbal abuse". I guess in Leya's mind, Steven hurts her emotionally but never physically. I'm just not sure whether she would say this to a stranger. I would go with "Yes, Steven would never hurt me.", a firm reply, without doubt.
She walked out the door.
This is your narration, so should not be in italic.
I don't want Steven yelling at me over my latest mistake. Since my first mistake, I've shot my father and now Steven's in jail. There's no way he'll forgive me now
Make these thoughts shorter, more troubled sounding, less complete.
Mistakes after mistakes. Shot my dad, got Steven jailed ... he'll never forgive me now.
Please note this is a poor rewrite but just to give you an idea. I know you can do better than me.
Comment Written 01-May-2010
reply by the author on 01-May-2010
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I will recheck those areas. Thank you for your review and guidance.
Comment from Rama Rao
Your excellent novel is racing along like a formula one car. Steven landing behind bars is a good twist in the story. With all these twists and turns in your story, reading your book will give a feeling like driving on a racing track. I liked your humor in Steven's dialogue,"I'm not going anywhere, I'm behind bars."
However, one small doubt- couldn't Steven produce his ID as a major in the army?
reply by the author on 01-May-2010
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Your excellent novel is racing along like a formula one car. Steven landing behind bars is a good twist in the story. With all these twists and turns in your story, reading your book will give a feeling like driving on a racing track. I liked your humor in Steven's dialogue,"I'm not going anywhere, I'm behind bars."
However, one small doubt- couldn't Steven produce his ID as a major in the army?
Comment Written 01-May-2010
reply by the author on 01-May-2010
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It wouldn't help, and would only hurt because of being in the Army. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Belinda
Exciting chapter, Barbara. How shocked Steven was when he was accused of abuse... Imagine him getting arrested while he was looking for his wife.
reply by the author on 01-May-2010
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Exciting chapter, Barbara. How shocked Steven was when he was accused of abuse... Imagine him getting arrested while he was looking for his wife.
Comment Written 01-May-2010
reply by the author on 01-May-2010
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Very true, poor Steven, but he recovers nicely. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Arkine
Poor thing, she apparently doesn't understand that if she hadn't run off, Steven would be dead now. As for him getting locked up...well, she's lucky the Sheriff believed she was telling the truth and not just trying to change her story. Steven better be quick on his feet or she'll vanish again. Good chapter! :)
reply by the author on 01-May-2010
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Poor thing, she apparently doesn't understand that if she hadn't run off, Steven would be dead now. As for him getting locked up...well, she's lucky the Sheriff believed she was telling the truth and not just trying to change her story. Steven better be quick on his feet or she'll vanish again. Good chapter! :)
Comment Written 01-May-2010
reply by the author on 01-May-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
This is an excellent chapter. Leya still doesn't understand Steven, even though she shot her own father to protect him.
I enjoyed this read and have one comment, at the end of this chapter:
"The sheriff took the set of keys from his top desk drawer {and unlocked Steven's cell door}." You should do a little rearranging here, because it gets a bit confusing. Was Steven already outside his cell when Leya took off? If he was, he ran after her, so maybe Leya took off as the sheriff was walking towards Steven's cell to unlock it.
Dave
reply by the author on 01-May-2010
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Barbara,
This is an excellent chapter. Leya still doesn't understand Steven, even though she shot her own father to protect him.
I enjoyed this read and have one comment, at the end of this chapter:
"The sheriff took the set of keys from his top desk drawer {and unlocked Steven's cell door}." You should do a little rearranging here, because it gets a bit confusing. Was Steven already outside his cell when Leya took off? If he was, he ran after her, so maybe Leya took off as the sheriff was walking towards Steven's cell to unlock it.
Dave
Comment Written 01-May-2010
reply by the author on 01-May-2010
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Thank you for your comment. I will take a look at that. Your reviews are always welcome, and looked forward to.
