Hallelujah
You Don't Really Care For Music, Do You?45 total reviews
Comment from Fridayauthor
Very interesting, Jay. I love the setting and the dialog is nice and crisp.
Good practice for a play-format.
Just picky...
"I don't know why I put up with you."
"Sure, you do. I can tell you. You want me to tell you why?"
Quite a few "Yous" is a row, unless it's on purpose.
Maybe...
"I don't know why I put up with you."
"Sure, you do. I'll tell you." or "Here's why ..."
Very well done and good luck with it!
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Very interesting, Jay. I love the setting and the dialog is nice and crisp.
Good practice for a play-format.
Just picky...
"I don't know why I put up with you."
"Sure, you do. I can tell you. You want me to tell you why?"
Quite a few "Yous" is a row, unless it's on purpose.
Maybe...
"I don't know why I put up with you."
"Sure, you do. I'll tell you." or "Here's why ..."
Very well done and good luck with it!
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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I love your picky's, Ray. You know that. the "I can tell you," and "You want me to tell you why?" Each "you" was a little palm on the chest (read ego) shove. I will give it a fresh look, though. Intentions aside, when it creates an unpleasant echo in the reader's mind.
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Jay, I'm happy to read anything you post.
Comment from RGstar
You stepped up here, Jay. Love the lightness of it, the interplay, the chemistry, which is always there within your writes.
The most impressive aspect is the aura and well being of the scene, or scenes. There is a kindness that invites one directly into the conversation, without saying anything. That is when you know how strong the narrative and imagery is.
I would presume this one of the better ones.
Good luck in the competition.
Best wishes.
RG
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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You stepped up here, Jay. Love the lightness of it, the interplay, the chemistry, which is always there within your writes.
The most impressive aspect is the aura and well being of the scene, or scenes. There is a kindness that invites one directly into the conversation, without saying anything. That is when you know how strong the narrative and imagery is.
I would presume this one of the better ones.
Good luck in the competition.
Best wishes.
RG
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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RG, your encouragement always seems to come at the right time, and is so meaningful when I consider the caliber of your own posts. I'm thrilled you enjoyed this.
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Best wishes, Jay...good luck.
Comment from Sis Cat
I am flabbergasted, Jay. This is excellent. At first I did not know where you were going with this, but then I realized that Jimmy, aka King David, was a conceited but blind singer. Elizabeth's threat became a turning point in Jimmy's behavior and it also clarified and made me awe your story craft:
"Now, tell me this, Jimmy ... you don't think that on some street corner in Los Angeles, or Chicago or New York, I can't find another blind guy with a middling talent who's willing to trade his guitar and cigar-box of coins for a fifty-gig-a-year packed audience of twenty-five-dollar-a-seat teenybopper fans? Don't ya think I can do that, Jimmy? Don't ya?"
I love watching (funny word given the Jimmy cannot see) . . . experiencing what Jimmy must hear. I hear the world from his perspective. I also thrilled at seeing (again, that word) . . . hearing the power shift between the two leading to your climatic conclusion as the assistant leads the blind King David:
"They're needy. They're vulnerable. Each and every one of them. Remember that. Careful now. There are two steps down from the doorway. Lean against me, King David. Trust me to guide you."
This is fine, vivid (again, that word) storytelling and dialogue of the highest order. You outdone yourself here, jay.
I wish you much success in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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I am flabbergasted, Jay. This is excellent. At first I did not know where you were going with this, but then I realized that Jimmy, aka King David, was a conceited but blind singer. Elizabeth's threat became a turning point in Jimmy's behavior and it also clarified and made me awe your story craft:
"Now, tell me this, Jimmy ... you don't think that on some street corner in Los Angeles, or Chicago or New York, I can't find another blind guy with a middling talent who's willing to trade his guitar and cigar-box of coins for a fifty-gig-a-year packed audience of twenty-five-dollar-a-seat teenybopper fans? Don't ya think I can do that, Jimmy? Don't ya?"
I love watching (funny word given the Jimmy cannot see) . . . experiencing what Jimmy must hear. I hear the world from his perspective. I also thrilled at seeing (again, that word) . . . hearing the power shift between the two leading to your climatic conclusion as the assistant leads the blind King David:
"They're needy. They're vulnerable. Each and every one of them. Remember that. Careful now. There are two steps down from the doorway. Lean against me, King David. Trust me to guide you."
This is fine, vivid (again, that word) storytelling and dialogue of the highest order. You outdone yourself here, jay.
I wish you much success in the contest.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Andre, you've given me validation again. You don't know how helpful that it to my often flagging motivation. You are a blessing, friend. Thank you so much.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Well Jay, you always picked so interesting a subject, and always something different. This was amazing. It kept me engaged right through and I enjoyed it. Good luck for the competition, Giddy
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Well Jay, you always picked so interesting a subject, and always something different. This was amazing. It kept me engaged right through and I enjoyed it. Good luck for the competition, Giddy
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Giddy! Thanks so much. I've been away from FanStory a lot recently, doing some gardening. Trying to get some balance in my life. I'm really happy you enjoyed reading this. It was rather fun to write.
Comment from Marvin Calloway
Where did this come from? You are a multi-genre writer.
Not a word too much or too little, throughout.
A compelling story.
As you know I don't review all you do but I'm certainly glad I had this opportunity.
Marv
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Where did this come from? You are a multi-genre writer.
Not a word too much or too little, throughout.
A compelling story.
As you know I don't review all you do but I'm certainly glad I had this opportunity.
Marv
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Hey, Marv. It's so good to see you again, especially being at the giving end of a chartreuse cross. Love it! Thanks for your fine, kind words, my friend.
Comment from LIJ Red
I thought for a moment we had David and Abishag going at it in downtown Jerusalem Calif. Show biz, about as much empathy as loansharking. This looks
like an excellent dialog only entry to me, Jay.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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I thought for a moment we had David and Abishag going at it in downtown Jerusalem Calif. Show biz, about as much empathy as loansharking. This looks
like an excellent dialog only entry to me, Jay.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thanks, Red. I was pretty pleased by it, using every technique I could to identify the characters by only dialogue. I threw in a couple extra characters to give it some variability. We'll see.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Jay. You did conform very well to doing dialogue only without having to explain the entry and exit of charactrers. You are to be commended, my friend. Good luck in the contest. Looks good to me. Bob
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Hi, Jay. You did conform very well to doing dialogue only without having to explain the entry and exit of charactrers. You are to be commended, my friend. Good luck in the contest. Looks good to me. Bob
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Bob. I enjoyed the challenge and felt I did fairly well at it. I appreciate your take on it.
Comment from w.j.debi
One of the better entries in the contest. Often they are just one sided telephone conversations. You create a sense of time and place, as well as interesting characters. Elizabeth seems to understand her purpose especially well, and how everything must appear to revolve around the performer and his fan base.
I think this has to be one of the most well known songs ever, especially by Jimmy, aka King David.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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One of the better entries in the contest. Often they are just one sided telephone conversations. You create a sense of time and place, as well as interesting characters. Elizabeth seems to understand her purpose especially well, and how everything must appear to revolve around the performer and his fan base.
I think this has to be one of the most well known songs ever, especially by Jimmy, aka King David.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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I feel redeemed that you saw that Jimmy was also King David. At least one reviewer thought I had included Jimmy by mistake, but definitely King David is his promotional name. Again, for the superb rating and astute observations, I thank you.
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I am happy my review helped. LOL. You would think writers would understand pseudonyms.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Hi Jay!!!
Haven't heard from you in quite a while. I hope this means your back to posting!!
Loved the story. It was very different, but that's your style.
Good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Hi Jay!!!
Haven't heard from you in quite a while. I hope this means your back to posting!!
Loved the story. It was very different, but that's your style.
Good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Rhonda. I've been back mostly in a reviewing capacity, my mind kinda mushy of late. I was pleased though, the way this went. Thanks again for reading and the fine review.
Comment from Dawn Munro
That was some special songwriter and poet, and Hallelujah has been performed over and over - a beautiful song for a beautiful man (though I never heard a blind King David sang it. *smile*) You have a unique gift, IMHO - the ability to slip into your character's shoes, and wear them with such ease your reader becomes more than just the audience, Jay.
Good to 'see' you back. Good luck in the contest. (I knew I was saving this six for something special.)
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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That was some special songwriter and poet, and Hallelujah has been performed over and over - a beautiful song for a beautiful man (though I never heard a blind King David sang it. *smile*) You have a unique gift, IMHO - the ability to slip into your character's shoes, and wear them with such ease your reader becomes more than just the audience, Jay.
Good to 'see' you back. Good luck in the contest. (I knew I was saving this six for something special.)
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Dawn, this was such a sweet review. You made me feel special. With this freakin' computer, I take it one day at a time. Thanks for the well wishes in the contest.
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My pleasure. :)