THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "The All-Nighter"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
43 total reviews
Comment from Gone but not forgotten
Once again I've been drawn into an alternate world. Even without reading the other chapters (so far) I'm delighted by the descriptions and the potential action of these two characters. Will keep reading. Thanks!
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Once again I've been drawn into an alternate world. Even without reading the other chapters (so far) I'm delighted by the descriptions and the potential action of these two characters. Will keep reading. Thanks!
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Well, you've made my day by saying you'll read the rest of the chapters. Thanks a ton!
Comment from Adri7enne
What a terrific set-up and a nicely unfolding scene, Jay! Every detail was skillfully conveyed, drawing me in, creating curiosity and a need to know where you were going. I might have to read the next chapter now. Well done, indeed!
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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What a terrific set-up and a nicely unfolding scene, Jay! Every detail was skillfully conveyed, drawing me in, creating curiosity and a need to know where you were going. I might have to read the next chapter now. Well done, indeed!
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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No chapter is complete without a review from Adrienne. Wow! and a six. I just noticed. Thank you so much.
Comment from krprice
Why was. . . The guards. . . delete unnecessary 'that'.
Excellent chapter. I look forward to see what you have in mind for the rest of this book, to see how they are going to get rid of Rheuther.
Karlene
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Why was. . . The guards. . . delete unnecessary 'that'.
Excellent chapter. I look forward to see what you have in mind for the rest of this book, to see how they are going to get rid of Rheuther.
Karlene
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Thanks for reading, Karlene. I hope I can bring out the desired end to this book and satisfy all my readers. But it's gonna be different!
Comment from Dashjianta
Excellent chapter, Jay. You've done an excellent job of showing his nerves with his needing to recheck the bolt then rearrange the chairs after inspecting to make sure everything was just so. The constant interruptions didn't help him either, but at least they keep him from tossing and turning in bed from worry. Love the way you played it at the end, as well, having her tease him with her looks and touch rather than using dialogue.
Suggestions (mostly minor niggles with commas):
I tested the bolt lock Rhuether's locksmith had installed, this afternoon.
--Delete comma.
The hexagonal nails he drove into each corner of the back-plate did their job.
--Should 'he drove' be 'he'd driven'?
surely Axtilla warned them that if they valued their heads
--Should it be 'would warn' rather than 'warned'?
A crystal pitcher, filled with juice, sat next to the refreshed fruit bowl on the table
--You could probably delete both commas.
Her partner, as (if?) by unspoken agreement,
They spread the blankets, and jammed the pillows into fresh cases
--Delete comma.
I brought both chairs to face each other, and kept the table within reach beside us.
--Delete comma.
We knew the depth of our feeling(s) for each other--feelings
then grasped the deadbolt, and slid it silently into its hasp.
--Delete comma.
The expression she'd reserved for the guards melted away, and yielded to a mischievous smile
--change 'and yielded' to 'yielding' for a smoother flow?
she stepped to the side of the chair I'd reserved for her[,] and began her slow movement behind me(,) trailing her fingertips across my left shoulder[,] and arousing an
involuntary shudder
--Delete commas in square brackets and add the other.
At that point, I reached my hand across my chest to place it on the back of her hand, but it was too late as she slipped now into my field of vision to my right and moved across in front of me, behind her chair.
--Consider deleting 'as' and starting new sentence with 'she slipped' instead. It's just to eliminate one of the 'as she's as there seemed to be a few of them.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2016
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Excellent chapter, Jay. You've done an excellent job of showing his nerves with his needing to recheck the bolt then rearrange the chairs after inspecting to make sure everything was just so. The constant interruptions didn't help him either, but at least they keep him from tossing and turning in bed from worry. Love the way you played it at the end, as well, having her tease him with her looks and touch rather than using dialogue.
Suggestions (mostly minor niggles with commas):
I tested the bolt lock Rhuether's locksmith had installed, this afternoon.
--Delete comma.
The hexagonal nails he drove into each corner of the back-plate did their job.
--Should 'he drove' be 'he'd driven'?
surely Axtilla warned them that if they valued their heads
--Should it be 'would warn' rather than 'warned'?
A crystal pitcher, filled with juice, sat next to the refreshed fruit bowl on the table
--You could probably delete both commas.
Her partner, as (if?) by unspoken agreement,
They spread the blankets, and jammed the pillows into fresh cases
--Delete comma.
I brought both chairs to face each other, and kept the table within reach beside us.
--Delete comma.
We knew the depth of our feeling(s) for each other--feelings
then grasped the deadbolt, and slid it silently into its hasp.
--Delete comma.
The expression she'd reserved for the guards melted away, and yielded to a mischievous smile
--change 'and yielded' to 'yielding' for a smoother flow?
she stepped to the side of the chair I'd reserved for her[,] and began her slow movement behind me(,) trailing her fingertips across my left shoulder[,] and arousing an
involuntary shudder
--Delete commas in square brackets and add the other.
At that point, I reached my hand across my chest to place it on the back of her hand, but it was too late as she slipped now into my field of vision to my right and moved across in front of me, behind her chair.
--Consider deleting 'as' and starting new sentence with 'she slipped' instead. It's just to eliminate one of the 'as she's as there seemed to be a few of them.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2016
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Alex, you've made some excellent suggestions, especially the last one about starting a new sentence with "She". Almost anything comma related I change. I'm that inept with them. Thanks, again, Alex.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Jay Squires,
What a charming piece of Fantasy Fiction this is!
Wording is impressive, as usual, and perfectly matching the theme.
Smooth and captivating flow from the beginning to the end.
The scene of Waiting for Axtilla, her entry, lively description and the subsequent scenario leading to the bed - MARVELOUS!
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Hello Jay Squires,
What a charming piece of Fantasy Fiction this is!
Wording is impressive, as usual, and perfectly matching the theme.
Smooth and captivating flow from the beginning to the end.
The scene of Waiting for Axtilla, her entry, lively description and the subsequent scenario leading to the bed - MARVELOUS!
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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I'm always happy to see you along and reading my post. We are building to an ending that should surprise a lot of readers. I hope not negatively. A six star rating! Thank you so much for that.
Comment from Dr. Nad
This is an exquisitely written chapter that grabs the reader by the scruff of the neck and pulls them up to full attention. When the experience is completed you leave us with a breathless anticipation that there is more to come. It is with reluctance that I bring two words to you attention for review.
A crystal pitcher, filled with juice, sat next to the refreshed (replenished) fruit bowl on the table,
Fifteen minutes! I laid my hand across my chest. My heart galloped into (beneath) my palm and fingers. I grinned and glanced about the room.
Thanks for sharing. May God bless you!
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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This is an exquisitely written chapter that grabs the reader by the scruff of the neck and pulls them up to full attention. When the experience is completed you leave us with a breathless anticipation that there is more to come. It is with reluctance that I bring two words to you attention for review.
A crystal pitcher, filled with juice, sat next to the refreshed (replenished) fruit bowl on the table,
Fifteen minutes! I laid my hand across my chest. My heart galloped into (beneath) my palm and fingers. I grinned and glanced about the room.
Thanks for sharing. May God bless you!
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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The bowl is officially replenished. I'm so darned sick of that bowl anyway. Someone pointed out it figures into about every chapter. I have to agree. I think it's something Freudian, or archetypal. Thanks for the six, and may God richly bless you, Dr. Nad.
You are very welcome,
Embrace the Love from above!
Comment from royowen
You've written this cleverly in the first person, with Doctrex/Pondria monologueing hi way through the episode, he's getting his laundry taken care of, the barber has come, and he's getting a manicure, then it finishes up with Axtilla tantalising Doctrex, leaving the episode expenctantly in the air Loved this episode, well done, Jay, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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You've written this cleverly in the first person, with Doctrex/Pondria monologueing hi way through the episode, he's getting his laundry taken care of, the barber has come, and he's getting a manicure, then it finishes up with Axtilla tantalising Doctrex, leaving the episode expenctantly in the air Loved this episode, well done, Jay, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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So happy you enjoyed this, Roy. I'm going to have challenges with the next couple of chapters. I want to show their undying love for each other, but I'd like this to fit into the YA Fantasy category, so I want to leave the writing suggestive enough to fill the overactive sexual imaginations of my readers while not being explicit myself. Blessings, friend.
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Sounds like a challenge Jay, you're the master of the subtle any way
Comment from LIJ Red
About the point this ends, in my experience, when the moment of truth is at hand...Godzilla rips off the roof and makes his sound, setting the curtains afire. I'm nitblind tonight, but this read very smoothly to me.
The smash is at hand-or is it? Excellent stuff.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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About the point this ends, in my experience, when the moment of truth is at hand...Godzilla rips off the roof and makes his sound, setting the curtains afire. I'm nitblind tonight, but this read very smoothly to me.
The smash is at hand-or is it? Excellent stuff.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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A few more chapters before the huge encounter, Red. Some surprises. I'll be leaving some fans pissed. Ah-well!
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Jay ...
= I keep waiting for her claws to come out!
= Super lead-in or lead-on of Miss Axtilla.
= Excellent chapter!
* A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside Down *
Jacqueline M Franklin (*_*)
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Hi, Jay ...
= I keep waiting for her claws to come out!
= Super lead-in or lead-on of Miss Axtilla.
= Excellent chapter!
* A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside Down *
Jacqueline M Franklin (*_*)
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Wow! A six from Jax! You're usually pretty stingy with them, so I'm honored.
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Yeah, well, you better be nice with my Doctrex, and not let Axtilla do a number on him, or his obnoxious brother. Just sayin. (*<*)
Comment from trumby
It's nice to see that the the two lovers are finally going to get together. Great moment to end this chapter on.
A real cliffhanger.
Couldn't see any slow spots or spags
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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It's nice to see that the the two lovers are finally going to get together. Great moment to end this chapter on.
A real cliffhanger.
Couldn't see any slow spots or spags
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Thanks for the six, Trumby. Glad to have you aboard and hope you stick around for the conclusion.