~Arsenic & Cold Grace~
It's so lonely at the top...65 total reviews
Comment from nor84
Heck, I had the review half-written, then moved away with Windows 8 to check the use of 'regalia' when referring to her manner of speech and lost the whole thing.
So here goes: Regalia doesn't seem to work there. I recommend dropping it. It's a noun, usually referring to symbols of rank or station such as medals, scepters, fine dress, etc.
I like your description, particularly the alliteration of stiletto/staccato and the reference to her lips (collagen.)
Since at least initially we have a man and a woman, I recommend using 'he' for a tag for Bruce. It's easy to overuse the name, and she uses it every time she speaks to him. You may want to look at that.
With regard to his first line of thought, that semicolon stands out too much. 'Bruce thought' needs to be set off with a comma if you elect to write thought with 'he thought' tags. I try not to. The trend is away from filters like 'he thought/heard/tasted, etc., and more toward getting into the character's point of view very firmly (as you have) and then just writing it out. Instead of: Damn, this bitch is a Gothic knock-out; Bruce thought, you could just have him think it in third-person narrative: The bitch was a Gothic knock-out. The reader will get it that it's thought.
Not that I never use italics, but it's rare anymore. I try for something called Deep Point of View to keep the reader inside the character's skin. You might want to check that out. I'm not great at it, and it won't work in all scenes, but this opening cries out for it.
Bruce's father, a renowned woodworker [from] in the late 50s(,) until his death in 1981>>>I recommend 'from' rather than 'in' and you can lose the comma after 50s.
Bruce calmly reached into the breast pocket of his tweed blazer to retrieve the tiny glass vial of arsenic he'd placed there earlier. >>>I don't think you need to say he placed it there earlier. That sort of goes without saying.
I think teakwood is one word, like redwood, but I'm not going to take a chance on having to rewrite all this by leaving, LOL.
Exceptionally dangerous, if it found itself getting into the wrong hands. Today, those hands just happened to belong to Bruce.>>> I suggest: Exceptionally dangerous[, if it found itself getting into] (in) the wrong hands.>>>I recommend a bit of tightening there by deleting the part in brackets and adding 'in'.
Of course, you know that any of my suggestions are just that, Dean. Take what you want to use and disregard the rest.
Not sure about 'anthology series'. I guess there could be a series of anthologies, but usually not.
Not sure about 'manicured' for an eyebrow. I've seen it used for lawns, though, so maybe.
You've done well with the characters. I think Grace needs killing just for calling him 'Brucie baby'.
"All settled then? I was right, wasn't I(?) (T)he old fart wants to publish you, doesn't he?"
We (a)re going to go over the particulars later on in the week.
You're already gasping for air.>>>probably don't need 'for air.'
Darn! She beat poor Brucie to it. I didn't expect that.
Good work, Dean.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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Heck, I had the review half-written, then moved away with Windows 8 to check the use of 'regalia' when referring to her manner of speech and lost the whole thing.
So here goes: Regalia doesn't seem to work there. I recommend dropping it. It's a noun, usually referring to symbols of rank or station such as medals, scepters, fine dress, etc.
I like your description, particularly the alliteration of stiletto/staccato and the reference to her lips (collagen.)
Since at least initially we have a man and a woman, I recommend using 'he' for a tag for Bruce. It's easy to overuse the name, and she uses it every time she speaks to him. You may want to look at that.
With regard to his first line of thought, that semicolon stands out too much. 'Bruce thought' needs to be set off with a comma if you elect to write thought with 'he thought' tags. I try not to. The trend is away from filters like 'he thought/heard/tasted, etc., and more toward getting into the character's point of view very firmly (as you have) and then just writing it out. Instead of: Damn, this bitch is a Gothic knock-out; Bruce thought, you could just have him think it in third-person narrative: The bitch was a Gothic knock-out. The reader will get it that it's thought.
Not that I never use italics, but it's rare anymore. I try for something called Deep Point of View to keep the reader inside the character's skin. You might want to check that out. I'm not great at it, and it won't work in all scenes, but this opening cries out for it.
Bruce's father, a renowned woodworker [from] in the late 50s(,) until his death in 1981>>>I recommend 'from' rather than 'in' and you can lose the comma after 50s.
Bruce calmly reached into the breast pocket of his tweed blazer to retrieve the tiny glass vial of arsenic he'd placed there earlier. >>>I don't think you need to say he placed it there earlier. That sort of goes without saying.
I think teakwood is one word, like redwood, but I'm not going to take a chance on having to rewrite all this by leaving, LOL.
Exceptionally dangerous, if it found itself getting into the wrong hands. Today, those hands just happened to belong to Bruce.>>> I suggest: Exceptionally dangerous[, if it found itself getting into] (in) the wrong hands.>>>I recommend a bit of tightening there by deleting the part in brackets and adding 'in'.
Of course, you know that any of my suggestions are just that, Dean. Take what you want to use and disregard the rest.
Not sure about 'anthology series'. I guess there could be a series of anthologies, but usually not.
Not sure about 'manicured' for an eyebrow. I've seen it used for lawns, though, so maybe.
You've done well with the characters. I think Grace needs killing just for calling him 'Brucie baby'.
"All settled then? I was right, wasn't I(?) (T)he old fart wants to publish you, doesn't he?"
We (a)re going to go over the particulars later on in the week.
You're already gasping for air.>>>probably don't need 'for air.'
Darn! She beat poor Brucie to it. I didn't expect that.
Good work, Dean.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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Thanks so much for the fabulous feed back on this one, nor84, I really appreciate that!
I'll get cracking on those editing suggestion straight away. I appreciate the time and effort in reading this for me, as well as giving me such a detailed, well thought out review.
Thanks so much again, and have yourself a wonderful weekend.
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Glad to do it.
Comment from JM daSilva
Lol. This is like a crazy fanstorian trying to get to the top. I loved it. lol.
when he arrived at the pre-determined table nestled in a( ho hyphen dimly-lit) corner of
She was far more stunning than he could have imagined. Olive(-) skinned, with slender legs capped off by muscular calves. Long, silken(remove ,) black hair, as ebony and shiny as the Damn, this bitch is a Gothic knock-out (knockout); Bruce thought. Still, it was not going to
showed his biggest, brightest smile, a toothy, almost feral(-) looking thing. After a brief nod
The distinguished(-) looking white-haired gentleman wearing the white fedora?"
"Yes, Grace, thank you. You were right, (.)he wants to publish my anthology. We Are going
tilt. His head pounded with a jack hammer(jackhammer-like) thumping, and he could feel down upon the sofa once again. Dizzy and disoriented, he looked up and noticed the(that)
back at the restaurant," Grace said, glowering over him. (")Arsenic, wasn't it? You are a very
"Acquire it?" Grace presumtuously (presumptuously )finished the sentence for him. "I told "Nope, sorry(, Bruce, there is no Mr. Burgenstein. You're a liar! The man you spoke with, The smell of almonds was unmistakeable(unmistakable). I may be a female, but I am far from
No exchanges of bodily fluids while fucking. Yeah, I outta (oughtta) adorn your final resting
?
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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Lol. This is like a crazy fanstorian trying to get to the top. I loved it. lol.
when he arrived at the pre-determined table nestled in a( ho hyphen dimly-lit) corner of
She was far more stunning than he could have imagined. Olive(-) skinned, with slender legs capped off by muscular calves. Long, silken(remove ,) black hair, as ebony and shiny as the Damn, this bitch is a Gothic knock-out (knockout); Bruce thought. Still, it was not going to
showed his biggest, brightest smile, a toothy, almost feral(-) looking thing. After a brief nod
The distinguished(-) looking white-haired gentleman wearing the white fedora?"
"Yes, Grace, thank you. You were right, (.)he wants to publish my anthology. We Are going
tilt. His head pounded with a jack hammer(jackhammer-like) thumping, and he could feel down upon the sofa once again. Dizzy and disoriented, he looked up and noticed the(that)
back at the restaurant," Grace said, glowering over him. (")Arsenic, wasn't it? You are a very
"Acquire it?" Grace presumtuously (presumptuously )finished the sentence for him. "I told "Nope, sorry(, Bruce, there is no Mr. Burgenstein. You're a liar! The man you spoke with, The smell of almonds was unmistakeable(unmistakable). I may be a female, but I am far from
No exchanges of bodily fluids while fucking. Yeah, I outta (oughtta) adorn your final resting
?
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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Hah, thanks for the review and editing suggestions, JM. my friend! I really appreciate it.
I took care of those issues, thanks!
Just a crazy little story, done tongue-in-cheek, of course, about how seriously some people view their rankings on these social writing websites. Glad you enjoyed the dark humor in it!
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I loved it!
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I loved it!
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I suspected she might switch coffee cups with him because her coffee was cold but I never dreamed she would turn the tables on him. Too bad they didn't both drink Arsenic, they are such a lovable couple. It is lonely at the top especially if you off everyone who gets close. LOL Nancy
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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I suspected she might switch coffee cups with him because her coffee was cold but I never dreamed she would turn the tables on him. Too bad they didn't both drink Arsenic, they are such a lovable couple. It is lonely at the top especially if you off everyone who gets close. LOL Nancy
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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Hah, you've got that right, Nancy! Ironically, I did have them offing each other in my initial draft, but I changed it. I felt that was a bit too over-the-top. Besides, everyone loves to root for somebody, in the end, right?
Thanks for the awesome review!
Comment from Louise Michelle
Hi Dean,
Boy, that Gracie is some classy lady. I'm cracking up at that line about cat and parrot. Love her cavalier attitude, lol.
Well, there are a lot of inflated egos and rank hungry folks around this writing community, but let's hope no one would want to resort to killing off the competition. Love your dark humor.
Hugs,
Lou
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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Hi Dean,
Boy, that Gracie is some classy lady. I'm cracking up at that line about cat and parrot. Love her cavalier attitude, lol.
Well, there are a lot of inflated egos and rank hungry folks around this writing community, but let's hope no one would want to resort to killing off the competition. Love your dark humor.
Hugs,
Lou
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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Heh heh, thanks, Lou, glad you liked this crazy thing! I appreciate you catching on to the black humor in it. Some people take their ranking in this "imaginary" world called FanStory way too seriously!
Comment from Gregt46
Alright Dean! Once again you've pulled it off! Kept me interested and wondering the whole way through. I nearly sh-- myself when the sound came on. That was brilliant. In fact it gave me another good idea. Nice ending,keep em coming. Greg
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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Alright Dean! Once again you've pulled it off! Kept me interested and wondering the whole way through. I nearly sh-- myself when the sound came on. That was brilliant. In fact it gave me another good idea. Nice ending,keep em coming. Greg
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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Thanks a million, Greg, I sincerely appreciate that, my friend. And, hey, whenever you bring that "good idea" to fruition, please, let me know. I'd love to read it!
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, dean, you did an excellent job writing this story about the two top writers battling it for the top position and grace won. i enjoyed reading it
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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this is very well written, dean, you did an excellent job writing this story about the two top writers battling it for the top position and grace won. i enjoyed reading it
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
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Thanks very much, sweet! I'm glad you liked it.
Comment from c_lucas
Medically, Arsenic is used as a blood thinner. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
Errors???
Anywho,(???) he recognized
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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Medically, Arsenic is used as a blood thinner. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
Errors???
Anywho,(???) he recognized
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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Thanks, Charlie, much appreciated. And that "anywho" is a yuppie, Valley girl sort of way of saying "anyhow", and was intentional. They say it all of the time, too, and it is extremely annoying! Good lookin' out, though.
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You're welcome, Dean. Charlie
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hi Dean
Instead of using the tile of an old play
Arsenic and Old Lace you used the perfect title--Arsenic and Cold Grace
I suspected there was going to be a twist in you murder mystery
I would of been disappointed.
Gert
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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Hi Dean
Instead of using the tile of an old play
Arsenic and Old Lace you used the perfect title--Arsenic and Cold Grace
I suspected there was going to be a twist in you murder mystery
I would of been disappointed.
Gert
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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Thank you very much, Gert, I really appreciate that!
So, you liked that play on words in the title? Good, I was afraid people might think I was ripping off the "other" one. Really, it's an homage to murder/suspense/mystery/thriller stories. Any way, I'll stop rambling on. I'm glad you liked the story!
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You are welcome Dean
Gert
Comment from Crystal Vail
Bahaha! Now that was funny! I love the dark humor and your style of writing. You did a great job and I really enjoyed it. I didn't catch any spags.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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Bahaha! Now that was funny! I love the dark humor and your style of writing. You did a great job and I really enjoyed it. I didn't catch any spags.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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Hey, that's great, Crystal, thank you! No SPAG is good SPAG, right?
I'm glad you picked up on the dark humor in this. People do take their rankings so seriously, don't they?
Thanks again, my friend, and have a wonderful weekend!
Comment from elchupakabra
Somehow I missed this one, Dean! The worst part is I've been power reviewing all morning and thought I'd already posted a review to this piece. It's like the ol' sayin' goes, right? Hell hath no fury like that of woman scorned. I thought this was a really great write, your narrative is smooth, the dialogue flows well and it was a good little surprise at the end. Great work on this piece overall, thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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Somehow I missed this one, Dean! The worst part is I've been power reviewing all morning and thought I'd already posted a review to this piece. It's like the ol' sayin' goes, right? Hell hath no fury like that of woman scorned. I thought this was a really great write, your narrative is smooth, the dialogue flows well and it was a good little surprise at the end. Great work on this piece overall, thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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Thanks very much for reading and giving me your valued opinions on it, 'Chup. Much appreciated!