All Those Puzzling Pieces
Viewing comments for Chapter 43 "We, the Peaceful Watchers"What makes a life? How do the pieces fit?
87 total reviews
Comment from clumsyninja
This is a well worked poem. Your use of imagry in places is good.
Anticipation,inspirations breath was excellent. Top notch.
There were a few other lines I liked and the way you tied in the observers at the end was a nice touch.
However from poetry I need more personally that a painting of words. I love revelation of thought. If you expanded the end or gave a little bit more insight I'd give a 5 star no prob.
Anyway only my own thoughts. Good work overall
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reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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This is a well worked poem. Your use of imagry in places is good.
Anticipation,inspirations breath was excellent. Top notch.
There were a few other lines I liked and the way you tied in the observers at the end was a nice touch.
However from poetry I need more personally that a painting of words. I love revelation of thought. If you expanded the end or gave a little bit more insight I'd give a 5 star no prob.
Anyway only my own thoughts. Good work overall
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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gee thanks! so glad you liked "a few other lines"!
Comment from Maria C.
Oh Sharyn, you have created such a gorgeous word picture with your descriptive writing. Your poem seems perfect in meter and form. No rhyme scheme at all. Good use of internal rhyme which I think is fine. I love how you describe the perfect ride. I can picture it so easily. I like the wording, "milk'n'cream-laced foam.(So good!)
Hope I get to Hawaii one day.
Hugs,
Maria C.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Oh Sharyn, you have created such a gorgeous word picture with your descriptive writing. Your poem seems perfect in meter and form. No rhyme scheme at all. Good use of internal rhyme which I think is fine. I love how you describe the perfect ride. I can picture it so easily. I like the wording, "milk'n'cream-laced foam.(So good!)
Hope I get to Hawaii one day.
Hugs,
Maria C.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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oh Maria you are such a sweetie! thank you SO much for your special '6'! I loved writing this piece and love it when someone ELSE loves it too! (and yes, the internal rhyme is fine in blank verse - actually so is the occasional "end" rhyme, just so long as it's not in any kind of recurring pattern).
hugs & huge thanks! :) Sharyn
Comment from Doc Holiday
Whether you are watching or riding the waves of life. You are a participate. The excitement of seeing that energy, waiting for the build-up and then experiencing the thrust and the energy of release. Sounds exciting, doesn't it!
Well-written blank verse poem!
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Whether you are watching or riding the waves of life. You are a participate. The excitement of seeing that energy, waiting for the build-up and then experiencing the thrust and the energy of release. Sounds exciting, doesn't it!
Well-written blank verse poem!
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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thx Doc!
Comment from rjuselius
this is an exquisite piece of poetry! i especially love the metaphors you use! the imagery is clear as day. the best bit i think is:
"We, the peaceful watchers, feel the joy
of time when life was wild as ocean wave,
and every breath had possibilities."
thank you for sharing!
good luck in the contest!
rebekka x
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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this is an exquisite piece of poetry! i especially love the metaphors you use! the imagery is clear as day. the best bit i think is:
"We, the peaceful watchers, feel the joy
of time when life was wild as ocean wave,
and every breath had possibilities."
thank you for sharing!
good luck in the contest!
rebekka x
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Rebekka, thank you so much for your lovely '6'! I so appreciate it, and it will make my morning coffee very sweet indeed! :) Sharyn
Comment from Spitfire
An excellent metaphor comparing the thrill of surfers tackling hill size breakers to a time when we were wild and care-less too. Wonderful use of alliteration, onomatopoeia, and action verbs. Rather a paradox in the last two lines with the use of gently while wanting to play rough? Guess it's because older bones don't mend so easily and we'll have to experience the surfers vicariously. Nice movement from a general picture to the universal message. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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An excellent metaphor comparing the thrill of surfers tackling hill size breakers to a time when we were wild and care-less too. Wonderful use of alliteration, onomatopoeia, and action verbs. Rather a paradox in the last two lines with the use of gently while wanting to play rough? Guess it's because older bones don't mend so easily and we'll have to experience the surfers vicariously. Nice movement from a general picture to the universal message. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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thx spits - yes, there is a paradox, but I guess that's the point, isn't it? we hopefully get to MENTALLY live like that, yes?
Comment from terry drake
I want to be a hippy again, I enjoyed your poem and thought back on the days I learned to surf. Not something I do anymore; but it filled me with joy as your poem made me relive that experience.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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I want to be a hippy again, I enjoyed your poem and thought back on the days I learned to surf. Not something I do anymore; but it filled me with joy as your poem made me relive that experience.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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thx terry - hippies together my dear!
Comment from THE FREAK
To question this is to question art its self, for there will be many opinions brought forth, but a truer announcement of life beginning and freeing our souls within the mist of H20, showers hope for all to whom seek a helping hand, and be praised as the true divine... MAN!
Great poem as always Vision...
All the best and keep up the great work
The freak
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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To question this is to question art its self, for there will be many opinions brought forth, but a truer announcement of life beginning and freeing our souls within the mist of H20, showers hope for all to whom seek a helping hand, and be praised as the true divine... MAN!
Great poem as always Vision...
All the best and keep up the great work
The freak
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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thx Freaky! :)
Comment from ELumpkins
Being retired from the Air Force, I can relate to this post. I made flights into and out of Hickam AFB,Hawaii more than twenty years. I am aware of the feelings these young people get while awaiting the wave buildup. I never tried the sport, but watched others risk all just for a few feet ride on the wave. The poem is well written and it is obvious the author enjoys participating in the sport. Good post.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Being retired from the Air Force, I can relate to this post. I made flights into and out of Hickam AFB,Hawaii more than twenty years. I am aware of the feelings these young people get while awaiting the wave buildup. I never tried the sport, but watched others risk all just for a few feet ride on the wave. The poem is well written and it is obvious the author enjoys participating in the sport. Good post.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Thanks E!
Comment from Meta~Mark
We the peaceful watchers is a whimsical journey at sea with colors and imaginative words throughout, I loved this poem and best of luck in the contest, bravo my friend
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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We the peaceful watchers is a whimsical journey at sea with colors and imaginative words throughout, I loved this poem and best of luck in the contest, bravo my friend
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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thx MM!
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
This is a beautiful blank verse poem. I love the imagery of the ocean and surfers. I have never seen an actual surfer, but I think this gives me a bit of the excitement surrounding it!!! Debbie
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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This is a beautiful blank verse poem. I love the imagery of the ocean and surfers. I have never seen an actual surfer, but I think this gives me a bit of the excitement surrounding it!!! Debbie
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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thx Deb!