Little Billy
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Letting Go."memiors from my life experiences.
66 total reviews
Comment from Rama Rao
I read this with interest as it was a contest entry, and it had a recognised seal. Although it's a good story, I'm sad to say, it was not written well, and you need to work on it a lot, especially for spags and punctuation.
The first three lines of introduction, I thought were unnecessary.
There were too many places where you omitted to insert a comma.
Your speech tags need to be corrected. e.g.
What do you mean we are not going?", I asked my Dad- you don't need a comma after ".
"That must have been terrible for you." she replied-foryou,"she replied.
Kindly edit and dust it before the voting.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2010
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I read this with interest as it was a contest entry, and it had a recognised seal. Although it's a good story, I'm sad to say, it was not written well, and you need to work on it a lot, especially for spags and punctuation.
The first three lines of introduction, I thought were unnecessary.
There were too many places where you omitted to insert a comma.
Your speech tags need to be corrected. e.g.
What do you mean we are not going?", I asked my Dad- you don't need a comma after ".
"That must have been terrible for you." she replied-foryou,"she replied.
Kindly edit and dust it before the voting.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2010
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thanks for the review corrections made thanks
Comment from Tellis
It's a terrible thing your real mother did, but I think that Rob guy was a real ass and he deserved to be punished. Although your real mother is just as much to blame. I'm glad you had other family to take you out of foster care. Excellent story.
Tellis
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2010
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It's a terrible thing your real mother did, but I think that Rob guy was a real ass and he deserved to be punished. Although your real mother is just as much to blame. I'm glad you had other family to take you out of foster care. Excellent story.
Tellis
Comment Written 05-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2010
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thank you for the coments and the review
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi, what a discovery. This needed to be read with full concentration though. Maybe the writing can be tightened for clearer impact. You can do without some of the speech tags or replace them with more important words - necessary descriptions or reactions.
Check some punctuation nits:
and myself, Timothy[,] around eight.
"We have to go. The children are so looking forward to it[,]" said Mom. - always use a comma for a speech tag.
"What do you mean we are not going?"[,] I asked [my] Dad. - remove comma. Use only one type of punctuation. 'my' not necessary as you've already established 'Dad'.
When we got to our grandmother[']s[,] my aunt[,] Lori was visiting with her husband[,] Rob.
I was meeting my Aunt Lori for the first time or, so I thought[?;] I began to tell her about
- delete Q mark.
"I was left in a foster home by my mother when I was three[,]" I recounted [to her]. - 'to her' not necessary.
"That must have been terrible for you[,]" she replied.
"Oh, I know why my mother left me[,]" I replied.
"She left me because she found a new man who didn't want kids[,]" I said.
"Yes[,]" my mother had replied.
but I had the feeling she wasn't coming back. ["]She didn't come back,
Thinking my aunt had simply [missspoken], I said,[ "She] did lie. She never came back."
- misspoken
Later on after we opened the gifts I was sitting on the sofa and staring at my Uncle Rob, [my aunt's husband]. - not needed. You already introduced him earlier.
On the car ride home my mother asked[, ]"Why did you tell your aunt about missing your mother so much?" - join the two sentences.
Good luck.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2010
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Hi, what a discovery. This needed to be read with full concentration though. Maybe the writing can be tightened for clearer impact. You can do without some of the speech tags or replace them with more important words - necessary descriptions or reactions.
Check some punctuation nits:
and myself, Timothy[,] around eight.
"We have to go. The children are so looking forward to it[,]" said Mom. - always use a comma for a speech tag.
"What do you mean we are not going?"[,] I asked [my] Dad. - remove comma. Use only one type of punctuation. 'my' not necessary as you've already established 'Dad'.
When we got to our grandmother[']s[,] my aunt[,] Lori was visiting with her husband[,] Rob.
I was meeting my Aunt Lori for the first time or, so I thought[?;] I began to tell her about
- delete Q mark.
"I was left in a foster home by my mother when I was three[,]" I recounted [to her]. - 'to her' not necessary.
"That must have been terrible for you[,]" she replied.
"Oh, I know why my mother left me[,]" I replied.
"She left me because she found a new man who didn't want kids[,]" I said.
"Yes[,]" my mother had replied.
but I had the feeling she wasn't coming back. ["]She didn't come back,
Thinking my aunt had simply [missspoken], I said,[ "She] did lie. She never came back."
- misspoken
Later on after we opened the gifts I was sitting on the sofa and staring at my Uncle Rob, [my aunt's husband]. - not needed. You already introduced him earlier.
On the car ride home my mother asked[, ]"Why did you tell your aunt about missing your mother so much?" - join the two sentences.
Good luck.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2010
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thank you for the review corrections made. :)
Comment from gramalot8
Mystery Author, this is a very interesting touching story. I think you are still trying to deal with this in your life and I'm sorry for that. However, you painted the picture of this dilemma in a very good descriptive manner. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2010
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Mystery Author, this is a very interesting touching story. I think you are still trying to deal with this in your life and I'm sorry for that. However, you painted the picture of this dilemma in a very good descriptive manner. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2010
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thanks for the review and the stars.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written with good form and good flow, a great story about the time you found out about your real mother and her boyfriend. i wish you the best of luck in the contest
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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this is very well written with good form and good flow, a great story about the time you found out about your real mother and her boyfriend. i wish you the best of luck in the contest
Comment Written 04-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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thank you
Comment from Pili Pubul
You just reviewed my poem Surreal Longing , you awaken my curiosity and look for what you wrote. It is an amazing and very painful story, rejection can be more painful than death. Excellent writing that moved me deeply.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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You just reviewed my poem Surreal Longing , you awaken my curiosity and look for what you wrote. It is an amazing and very painful story, rejection can be more painful than death. Excellent writing that moved me deeply.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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thank you
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You welcome.
Comment from 1ClosetWriter
This is a powerful story! I'm glad you have written about it. What you have pieced together and then tried to hide inside is more than one person should try to bare. Have you ever talked with your parents, or tried to search your birth records? These are options.... thank you for sharing this story. Good luck in the contest.
BTW: You should probably look at the following sentence. I think you have a missing word.
If I had it over again I would.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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This is a powerful story! I'm glad you have written about it. What you have pieced together and then tried to hide inside is more than one person should try to bare. Have you ever talked with your parents, or tried to search your birth records? These are options.... thank you for sharing this story. Good luck in the contest.
BTW: You should probably look at the following sentence. I think you have a missing word.
If I had it over again I would.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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thanks for the review and I will look at it. Thanks for the review.
Comment from Jen Gentry
OH MY what a shame. The injustice of this. You deserve answers and the truth. By hiding this from you all of your parents just caused you more pain. AND YOU BLAME YOURSELF! I better shut up before I cause more pain. THis is a heartbreaking story told by you very well.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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OH MY what a shame. The injustice of this. You deserve answers and the truth. By hiding this from you all of your parents just caused you more pain. AND YOU BLAME YOURSELF! I better shut up before I cause more pain. THis is a heartbreaking story told by you very well.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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thanks christa i get some mixed reviews some people say it's boring others just cant stand it but I tell it how it feels to me and this is it. Thank you.
Comment from bowls
What an incredible story! It's hard to tell if you're happy about finding out the truth or not, but you're right - it's a good tale. I think you tell it just right, with the focus on you and your aunt. Your parents enter it with their reactions to the situation. Everything seems a bit hush-hush, with nothing really spelled out, and that's how it actually was for you. Your closing paragraph, written apart from the story, really adds intensity to the whole story. This was a great read.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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What an incredible story! It's hard to tell if you're happy about finding out the truth or not, but you're right - it's a good tale. I think you tell it just right, with the focus on you and your aunt. Your parents enter it with their reactions to the situation. Everything seems a bit hush-hush, with nothing really spelled out, and that's how it actually was for you. Your closing paragraph, written apart from the story, really adds intensity to the whole story. This was a great read.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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thank you.
Comment from Shirley B
This is a sad story beautifully told. You were brought up in a time, as was I, that things like this was kept private. I don't know the everyone thought they were protecting because the person that was hurt the most was you. I enjoyed reading your story. Shirley
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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This is a sad story beautifully told. You were brought up in a time, as was I, that things like this was kept private. I don't know the everyone thought they were protecting because the person that was hurt the most was you. I enjoyed reading your story. Shirley
Comment Written 04-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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thank you for the review.