Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "Chapter 7; part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
44 total reviews
Comment from Elizabeth_Mckenna
Very nice. Lots of tension.
My only suggestion:
When he saw Leya enter the gym wearing the gym clothes (how about exercise clothes instead of gym to remove the double use of gym)
take care,
M
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Very nice. Lots of tension.
My only suggestion:
When he saw Leya enter the gym wearing the gym clothes (how about exercise clothes instead of gym to remove the double use of gym)
take care,
M
Comment Written 01-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Thank you for the catch. I appreciate it.
Comment from fictionwriter
This Peggy seems like a self righteous little hag. I don't like her, and she's carried things a little far. Another wonderful chapter. Well done.
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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This Peggy seems like a self righteous little hag. I don't like her, and she's carried things a little far. Another wonderful chapter. Well done.
Comment Written 01-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Thank you. Peggy gets worse. Again thank for your support and review.
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
Things are getting really sticky here. Your best comment is Steven's: "Peggy thinks she's in love with me." Peggy wants him, but love has almost nothing to do with it. I remember the heads-up you gave me several weeks ago but won't repeat it here, in public.
I enjoyed this read and couldn't find anything to criticize.
Dave
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Barbara,
Things are getting really sticky here. Your best comment is Steven's: "Peggy thinks she's in love with me." Peggy wants him, but love has almost nothing to do with it. I remember the heads-up you gave me several weeks ago but won't repeat it here, in public.
I enjoyed this read and couldn't find anything to criticize.
Dave
Comment Written 01-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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I appreciate your kind review and support.
Comment from c_lucas
Leya and Peggy's coflict is heating up. Peggy is doing a poor job of hiding her jealousy. This is very well written. Good job.
I'll be finished with the weights, then I'll help you with the weights."(with them)
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Leya and Peggy's coflict is heating up. Peggy is doing a poor job of hiding her jealousy. This is very well written. Good job.
I'll be finished with the weights, then I'll help you with the weights."(with them)
Comment Written 01-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Thank you for catching that error. I will correct it. Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
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You're welcome, Barbara. Charlie
Comment from mshugh
Your plot makes a lot of sense - and so do your characters, but this is a New Year and I'm going to make a few suggestions below and in a private email
While sleeping, Steven felt a warm body
_While sleeping is too passive. To engage a reader, you must use powerful verbs and scenes. For example:
1. Steven sat up in alarm. A warm body had just invaded his bed.
or
2. Steven moaned in pleasure as he felt the warm body slither into the bed behind him
Make sense?
A sharp slap crossed his cheek, and he yelled, "What the hell?"
The problem is the word crossed - use stung or redde4ned - instantly gives the reader a feel for the force of the slap - if that's your intent
Steven was silent and waited for her to comply
Steven waited for her to comply. Do you need the was silent.
If you do, then make it
Steven silently waited for her to comply.
If I had been slapped, I would not be rubbing my eyes later in the passage - I would already be awake (laugh)
Nakedness - nice word, but you want to entice your readers - lithe body, rubinsque, voluptuous, some people like athletic (I don't - laugh)
Any of this making sense.
Now that is a nice hook at the end. The fact that Peggy can prove it - now what is the opening hook in the next chapter that brings together the two chapters?
Michael
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Your plot makes a lot of sense - and so do your characters, but this is a New Year and I'm going to make a few suggestions below and in a private email
While sleeping, Steven felt a warm body
_While sleeping is too passive. To engage a reader, you must use powerful verbs and scenes. For example:
1. Steven sat up in alarm. A warm body had just invaded his bed.
or
2. Steven moaned in pleasure as he felt the warm body slither into the bed behind him
Make sense?
A sharp slap crossed his cheek, and he yelled, "What the hell?"
The problem is the word crossed - use stung or redde4ned - instantly gives the reader a feel for the force of the slap - if that's your intent
Steven was silent and waited for her to comply
Steven waited for her to comply. Do you need the was silent.
If you do, then make it
Steven silently waited for her to comply.
If I had been slapped, I would not be rubbing my eyes later in the passage - I would already be awake (laugh)
Nakedness - nice word, but you want to entice your readers - lithe body, rubinsque, voluptuous, some people like athletic (I don't - laugh)
Any of this making sense.
Now that is a nice hook at the end. The fact that Peggy can prove it - now what is the opening hook in the next chapter that brings together the two chapters?
Michael
Comment Written 01-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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All right, just because I am having so much fun with Alex is no reason to take it out on Steven, he has enough problems with the women in his life. Honestly, thank you very much for your suggestions. This is what I am looking for. I really appreciate your support.
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Read message in an hour
Working through the chapter in deatil
Wuill be back to you
And I know you like Alex (laugh)
You'll absolutely LOVE her in the final chapter as you bawl your eyes out
Michael
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One hour, you and me, gotcha!
Comment from Begin Again
Barbara
Peggy really needs to get her comeupance...Steven is just way to lacks with her...
Great story as usual...enjoying it still...
Carol
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Barbara
Peggy really needs to get her comeupance...Steven is just way to lacks with her...
Great story as usual...enjoying it still...
Carol
Comment Written 01-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Peggy's time is coming. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from nora arjuna
hmph, this woman is a real pain, intolerable. steven better do something with her, maybe transfer her somewhere else. leya has been patiemt with her too. great drama, nothing to pick at.
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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hmph, this woman is a real pain, intolerable. steven better do something with her, maybe transfer her somewhere else. leya has been patiemt with her too. great drama, nothing to pick at.
Comment Written 01-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review. I always appreciate your opinion. I value it a lot.
Comment from FredCollingwood
Great story. She wasn't going to take "no" for an answer, was she. One comment on a very confusing verb:
He turned on the light and beside him (laid) a very angry Peggy. > "lay" It's the past tense of the verb, "lie."
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Great story. She wasn't going to take "no" for an answer, was she. One comment on a very confusing verb:
He turned on the light and beside him (laid) a very angry Peggy. > "lay" It's the past tense of the verb, "lie."
Comment Written 01-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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I must have been correcting th laid - lay issue while you were reading it. Thank you for your review.
Comment from adewpearl
Beside him laid a very angry Peggy - lay
adjusted the gown, making sure her breasts - add comma
I think Steven made a big mistake the minute he didn't transfer Peggy after she acted so unprofessionally - actually, to cover his ass, he should have filed an official report along with transferring her. She is big big trouble, and obviously willing to act in totally unprofessional ways to reach her goal. You do an excellent job of showing the tension in that scene. Brooke
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Beside him laid a very angry Peggy - lay
adjusted the gown, making sure her breasts - add comma
I think Steven made a big mistake the minute he didn't transfer Peggy after she acted so unprofessionally - actually, to cover his ass, he should have filed an official report along with transferring her. She is big big trouble, and obviously willing to act in totally unprofessional ways to reach her goal. You do an excellent job of showing the tension in that scene. Brooke
Comment Written 01-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review an I am off to make the corrections. Peggy gets a lot worse.
Comment from missy98writer
Barbara,
You deserve a five on this next chapter of "Tantalizing Eyes." Its well executed and full of drama. I want to shake Peggy for throwing herself at Steven. I'm glad he put the witch in her place. She's scheming and jealous. I look for her to try and set Leya up to make her look bad to Steven. Hopefully by then his love for her will make his see the truth. The dialogue and descriptive scheme are well written. I did find some minor errors.
"It's Leya's background check. She was privately tutored until twelve years old and then came to the United States for further education. She went to the most exclusive girl's finishing school, then to Yale where she studied premed. {You need to change it to pre-med} She took this year off because her great aunt became ill. She plans on returning to school in the fall."
BACKGROUND:
Take BACKGROUND out.
Great emotion expressed in this chapter. I wanted Lela to bitch slap Peggy for bad-mouthing her.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Barbara,
You deserve a five on this next chapter of "Tantalizing Eyes." Its well executed and full of drama. I want to shake Peggy for throwing herself at Steven. I'm glad he put the witch in her place. She's scheming and jealous. I look for her to try and set Leya up to make her look bad to Steven. Hopefully by then his love for her will make his see the truth. The dialogue and descriptive scheme are well written. I did find some minor errors.
"It's Leya's background check. She was privately tutored until twelve years old and then came to the United States for further education. She went to the most exclusive girl's finishing school, then to Yale where she studied premed. {You need to change it to pre-med} She took this year off because her great aunt became ill. She plans on returning to school in the fall."
BACKGROUND:
Take BACKGROUND out.
Great emotion expressed in this chapter. I wanted Lela to bitch slap Peggy for bad-mouthing her.
Melissa.
Comment Written 01-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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I just took the background out. It's supposed to be at the top. I don't have a clue how it got there. Oh well, Evil Eddi maybe. I fixed pre-med too. Thank you for taking care of me.
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Excellent chapter. Thanks for entertanin me this morning.
Melissa.
