Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "Chapter 6; part4"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
52 total reviews
Comment from Alaskastory
'Tantalizing Eyes' portion of your Chapter 6 moves nicely along. The action is clear and the characters true to their traits.
I like the way you describe what characters are doing, like the way Steven backs away and Leya moves in. Intriguing!
Good job, Barbara.
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2009
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'Tantalizing Eyes' portion of your Chapter 6 moves nicely along. The action is clear and the characters true to their traits.
I like the way you describe what characters are doing, like the way Steven backs away and Leya moves in. Intriguing!
Good job, Barbara.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Readywriter52
Peggy tried to drive a wedge between Leya and Steven. In fact, she failed miserably at it. Steven gave her a different ring and other presents. Peggy has done the opposite. She has driven them together.
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2009
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Peggy tried to drive a wedge between Leya and Steven. In fact, she failed miserably at it. Steven gave her a different ring and other presents. Peggy has done the opposite. She has driven them together.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2009
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Peggy does not stop here. Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
Comment from southernwriter57
Your story reminds me of a southern gentleman. Always attending to a woman's needs. While I am not a huge fan of romance fiction (being a man you know) I liked this story because I am a southern gentleman.
A real man knows a woman's sizes. Real men are involved in shopping with and for their women. Real men also cook, although cooking was not mentioned in your story line. I think that it would behoove you to add it into your story line.
Best wishes on your work.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Your story reminds me of a southern gentleman. Always attending to a woman's needs. While I am not a huge fan of romance fiction (being a man you know) I liked this story because I am a southern gentleman.
A real man knows a woman's sizes. Real men are involved in shopping with and for their women. Real men also cook, although cooking was not mentioned in your story line. I think that it would behoove you to add it into your story line.
Best wishes on your work.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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A few posts back you missed the cooking. Steven was cooking dinner. Leya didn't know how. My problem is you gave me a four and I don't know how I can improve my writing. A four means I need adjustments. What should I change?
Comment from Rama Rao
"And thank you for being a gentleman and knowing when to leave. I couldn't do that right now."
I thought that was well written as many people speak and do good things, but do not know when to say good night and good bye. A few gentlemen only know when to leave.
This is too small a chapter. Just as we are getting the hang of the scene, we come to the end. That leaves us in suspense and slightly disappointed. Since the scene is progressing well pl post the entire scene in one go.
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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"And thank you for being a gentleman and knowing when to leave. I couldn't do that right now."
I thought that was well written as many people speak and do good things, but do not know when to say good night and good bye. A few gentlemen only know when to leave.
This is too small a chapter. Just as we are getting the hang of the scene, we come to the end. That leaves us in suspense and slightly disappointed. Since the scene is progressing well pl post the entire scene in one go.
Comment Written 27-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review. When I was new on FS, I posted my entire chapters. The problem with that was I would only get about 5 reviews and they didn't help me because people would not really read all of the post. They read a few paragraphs just to get the points. Someone told me to shorten my posts so I would get more help. I now average 30-35 reviews. Some are still after the points, but I get some good honest reviews that help me improve as a writer. That's my goal. You may think about shorting your posts. It's a pain, but worth it.
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
I'd give this chapter a six-star rating if I could, but Fanstory won't let me. By now, unless you want a really tragic ending, Steven and Leya are going to end up married for real, complete with a consummation. I found no nits but do have a handful of wordsmithing suggestions:
"Leya's eyes glowed as she stared at the princess cut royal blue sapphire stones with alternating diamonds." I think you need a comma after "princess cut." This is a long string of adjectives to keep straight, although they are necessary to show how special this ring is. Looks like Steven just said it all.
"She chose the chocolate caramel one, licked her lips, and smiled." I'd write this sentence, "She chose a chocolate caramel, licked her lips, and smiled."
"Are they expensive? I don't have any money." The paragraph this sentence starts is not fully separated from the one before. This might be Evil Eddie's doing, and you might not be able to fix it.
Dave
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Barbara,
I'd give this chapter a six-star rating if I could, but Fanstory won't let me. By now, unless you want a really tragic ending, Steven and Leya are going to end up married for real, complete with a consummation. I found no nits but do have a handful of wordsmithing suggestions:
"Leya's eyes glowed as she stared at the princess cut royal blue sapphire stones with alternating diamonds." I think you need a comma after "princess cut." This is a long string of adjectives to keep straight, although they are necessary to show how special this ring is. Looks like Steven just said it all.
"She chose the chocolate caramel one, licked her lips, and smiled." I'd write this sentence, "She chose a chocolate caramel, licked her lips, and smiled."
"Are they expensive? I don't have any money." The paragraph this sentence starts is not fully separated from the one before. This might be Evil Eddie's doing, and you might not be able to fix it.
Dave
Comment Written 27-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate your help and are on my way to make the repairs.
Comment from nora arjuna
Peggy wants steven for herself, and steven is being too careful with leya lol.
There's a slight mixture of whose actions and dialogues throughout the chapter. Check this part and the one in brackets:
With a grin, he looked behind her pretending to peek at her lower back. "I guessed." She placed her hands to her stomach trying to stop the tingles. [As she continued smiling as] he held up a second T-shirt with an orange kitten lying in a bed of flowers. He chuckled. "Since you didn't seem to like that T-shirt, maybe you'll like this one better."
How about putting it this way:
With a grin, he looked behind her pretending to peek at her lower back. "I guessed."
She placed her hands to her stomach trying to stop the tingles.
As she continued smiling, he held up a second T-shirt with an orange kitten lying in a bed of flowers and chuckled. "Since you didn't seem to like that T-shirt, maybe you'll like this one better."
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Peggy wants steven for herself, and steven is being too careful with leya lol.
There's a slight mixture of whose actions and dialogues throughout the chapter. Check this part and the one in brackets:
With a grin, he looked behind her pretending to peek at her lower back. "I guessed." She placed her hands to her stomach trying to stop the tingles. [As she continued smiling as] he held up a second T-shirt with an orange kitten lying in a bed of flowers. He chuckled. "Since you didn't seem to like that T-shirt, maybe you'll like this one better."
How about putting it this way:
With a grin, he looked behind her pretending to peek at her lower back. "I guessed."
She placed her hands to her stomach trying to stop the tingles.
As she continued smiling, he held up a second T-shirt with an orange kitten lying in a bed of flowers and chuckled. "Since you didn't seem to like that T-shirt, maybe you'll like this one better."
Comment Written 27-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Thank you and I get what you're saying. I am off to fix it.
Comment from fictionwriter
How very sweet. Steven is really a thoughtful man. He needs to let Peggy know where he really stands, then she can back off. Well done.
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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How very sweet. Steven is really a thoughtful man. He needs to let Peggy know where he really stands, then she can back off. Well done.
Comment Written 27-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Peggy doesn't get up easily. Thank you for your review.
Comment from RebelRose
I love this chapter. I think Peggy is history and I think she realizes that too. It is just a matter of time before the marriage becomes a 'real' one.
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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I love this chapter. I think Peggy is history and I think she realizes that too. It is just a matter of time before the marriage becomes a 'real' one.
Comment Written 27-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Just wait and see what Peggy has planned for tonight? Thank you for your review.
Comment from unbridledspirit
Very well written. This piece expressed the romantic feelings between the main characters pretty well. I'm not sure that I would have described the ring in as much detail as you did but it worked. I think it did keep the reader's interest. At points, though, having not read the other chapters, I thought that some of the conversation was a bit light considering their circumstances. Well done.
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Very well written. This piece expressed the romantic feelings between the main characters pretty well. I'm not sure that I would have described the ring in as much detail as you did but it worked. I think it did keep the reader's interest. At points, though, having not read the other chapters, I thought that some of the conversation was a bit light considering their circumstances. Well done.
Comment Written 27-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review. I described the ring, because with a different ring I didn't describe and took some hits for it.
Comment from RazberryBullet
I think Steven is the most sensative fictional hero I've ever 'encountered'! His choice of clothes and jewelry reaveal not only his attention to what Leya likes, but also how to make her comfortable by setting limits.
Difficult job!
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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I think Steven is the most sensative fictional hero I've ever 'encountered'! His choice of clothes and jewelry reaveal not only his attention to what Leya likes, but also how to make her comfortable by setting limits.
Difficult job!
Comment Written 27-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Thank you for you kind review.
