Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Chapter 5; part 4"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
48 total reviews
Comment from Begin Again
Peggy sifted her stance. shifted
Barbara
I just love the friction and I wanted to reach through my computer screen and choke Peggy. She's a b..ch! I still say she's the bad guy or girl!
Great job in this chapter....
Carol
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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Peggy sifted her stance. shifted
Barbara
I just love the friction and I wanted to reach through my computer screen and choke Peggy. She's a b..ch! I still say she's the bad guy or girl!
Great job in this chapter....
Carol
Comment Written 06-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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Thank you for catching that typo. I already took care of it. You're wonderful
Comment from Jonesy
Hard to gauge a chapter if haven't read the whole thing, so means I have to restrict my review just to the words and not character, plot and so on.
So while I liked the flow and was interested in the premise, there are too many mistakes to rate higher.
But, they are all easy fixes as most are simple changes. A more complete edit is all that's needed.
***Steven and Leya are outside talking while Leya is feeding a stray cat.***
Not sure if this is an intro or part of the story. If an intro, should off-set that a little more. If part of the story, it doesn't really fit because it's too obvious for the benefit of the reader and better served to include with the other writing. It would fit nicely if part of the sentence that follows it.
Something else is Steven and Leya were outside, but the very next sentence has Peggy out there, too.
***Peggy sifted her stance***
Maybe meant "shifted", but sifted doesn't make sense in this context
***piece of a clear adhesive paper.***
Remove "a"
***A glimpse of her body stirred desires I shouldn't have.***
This is internal thought and because of that doesn't fit. No one would think the way this sentence is worded. But changing "stirred" to "stirs" might be okay. It's present tense, but that's what he's referring to so okay
***Still studying it, she said, "Maybe she hid***
Uncap "Maybe". There's no period break that would make capping it appropriate
***she hid the cell phone outside around that cat." ***
Doesn't read quite right: around that cat? It's like she tracked the cat down and hid it somewhere near. Doesn't seem to make sense
***He took the adhesive paper from Peggy and examined it and then glanced toward Leya***
Not great rhythm, changing to ...from Peggy, examined it, and then...
Might be better
***Peggy grabbed Leya's arm and pulled her toward the stairs. "Don't leave your room," she yelled slamming the door reinforcing her point.***
Couple things: She put her in her room, so dragging her to stairs doesn't read right. How about dragging her to her room?
Also, need a comma before "reinforcing"
********
After they hung up the telephone
There's no reason for this scene break; it's the same scene
*** I could never fall in love with a woman who lies and her family tree is full of criminals.***
Doesn't read right, changing to:
...and with a family tree full of criminals
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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Hard to gauge a chapter if haven't read the whole thing, so means I have to restrict my review just to the words and not character, plot and so on.
So while I liked the flow and was interested in the premise, there are too many mistakes to rate higher.
But, they are all easy fixes as most are simple changes. A more complete edit is all that's needed.
***Steven and Leya are outside talking while Leya is feeding a stray cat.***
Not sure if this is an intro or part of the story. If an intro, should off-set that a little more. If part of the story, it doesn't really fit because it's too obvious for the benefit of the reader and better served to include with the other writing. It would fit nicely if part of the sentence that follows it.
Something else is Steven and Leya were outside, but the very next sentence has Peggy out there, too.
***Peggy sifted her stance***
Maybe meant "shifted", but sifted doesn't make sense in this context
***piece of a clear adhesive paper.***
Remove "a"
***A glimpse of her body stirred desires I shouldn't have.***
This is internal thought and because of that doesn't fit. No one would think the way this sentence is worded. But changing "stirred" to "stirs" might be okay. It's present tense, but that's what he's referring to so okay
***Still studying it, she said, "Maybe she hid***
Uncap "Maybe". There's no period break that would make capping it appropriate
***she hid the cell phone outside around that cat." ***
Doesn't read quite right: around that cat? It's like she tracked the cat down and hid it somewhere near. Doesn't seem to make sense
***He took the adhesive paper from Peggy and examined it and then glanced toward Leya***
Not great rhythm, changing to ...from Peggy, examined it, and then...
Might be better
***Peggy grabbed Leya's arm and pulled her toward the stairs. "Don't leave your room," she yelled slamming the door reinforcing her point.***
Couple things: She put her in her room, so dragging her to stairs doesn't read right. How about dragging her to her room?
Also, need a comma before "reinforcing"
********
After they hung up the telephone
There's no reason for this scene break; it's the same scene
*** I could never fall in love with a woman who lies and her family tree is full of criminals.***
Doesn't read right, changing to:
...and with a family tree full of criminals
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review I will recheck the areas you indicated.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
that was very good--can't wait to read the rest of the story--very easy to read and kept the reader entertained throughout the story--good luck with your novel getting published
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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that was very good--can't wait to read the rest of the story--very easy to read and kept the reader entertained throughout the story--good luck with your novel getting published
Comment Written 06-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from Freeflyer
Oh Steven, as if you have any control over who you fall in love with!
Poor Leya, if she is innocent, how degrading.
Look forward to the next episode.
Maz ( Freeflyer )
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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Oh Steven, as if you have any control over who you fall in love with!
Poor Leya, if she is innocent, how degrading.
Look forward to the next episode.
Maz ( Freeflyer )
Comment Written 06-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from christopherjl
This is very climactic. Thank you for sharing once again. I have really enjoyed how your writing is coming together. I could find no spag so I have no suggestions for your writing at this time.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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This is very climactic. Thank you for sharing once again. I have really enjoyed how your writing is coming together. I could find no spag so I have no suggestions for your writing at this time.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from prosperous
A good theme and had great many characters. The story had a great flow and the effort you put in the writing is also excellent. Great imagination and a fine start of the hero's eyes fall upon a girl. It was an different start for a detective story.
Kind Regards
Prosperous
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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A good theme and had great many characters. The story had a great flow and the effort you put in the writing is also excellent. Great imagination and a fine start of the hero's eyes fall upon a girl. It was an different start for a detective story.
Kind Regards
Prosperous
Comment Written 06-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review. This basically a romance with a little suspence thrown it.
Comment from Mark Nolan
Hi barbara.wilkey, You sure do write a lot wow. Anyways, this was a good read as far as I am concerned. It flowed freely and was well constructed. well done
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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Hi barbara.wilkey, You sure do write a lot wow. Anyways, this was a good read as far as I am concerned. It flowed freely and was well constructed. well done
Comment Written 06-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Readywriter52
I think Steven is hiding his feelings with Leya. He wants to seem impartial so he is allowing Peggy to treat Leya like a criminal. I think it will be impossible for Leya to prove herself innocent to Peggy because will simply accuse her of something else. I hope that Peggy realizes that Steven will never love her the way he loves Leya.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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I think Steven is hiding his feelings with Leya. He wants to seem impartial so he is allowing Peggy to treat Leya like a criminal. I think it will be impossible for Leya to prove herself innocent to Peggy because will simply accuse her of something else. I hope that Peggy realizes that Steven will never love her the way he loves Leya.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review. We'll have to wait and see how all this plays out.
Comment from Allezw2
Lady barbara.wilkey,
The scene is nicely delineated, a brief interval as the various guardians prosecute or defend their purpose.
I'll have to read farther to see what the purpose of the varied liaisons you allude to, or describe.
Does pique the reader's interest. The remuneration is appreciated.
Live long and write well,
Fantasist
For your consideration:
- Steven and Leya are outside talking while Leya is feeding a stray cat.
This sentence seems to be, or should be, part of the background information. In that case, the change of font is confusing.
- He [answered]{responded to} her stare {saying}
- Peggy [sifted]{shifted} her stance. "I'm sure you did and probably enjoyed it."
- "Remove your clothes. I'm doing a complete body search."
A more usual statement is "Strip and body cavity search" for which Peggy would need a pair of rubber examination gloves.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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Lady barbara.wilkey,
The scene is nicely delineated, a brief interval as the various guardians prosecute or defend their purpose.
I'll have to read farther to see what the purpose of the varied liaisons you allude to, or describe.
Does pique the reader's interest. The remuneration is appreciated.
Live long and write well,
Fantasist
For your consideration:
- Steven and Leya are outside talking while Leya is feeding a stray cat.
This sentence seems to be, or should be, part of the background information. In that case, the change of font is confusing.
- He [answered]{responded to} her stare {saying}
- Peggy [sifted]{shifted} her stance. "I'm sure you did and probably enjoyed it."
- "Remove your clothes. I'm doing a complete body search."
A more usual statement is "Strip and body cavity search" for which Peggy would need a pair of rubber examination gloves.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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I added the first sentence, because I always get reviewers who don't read previous chapters and are confused. Thank you for your review and I will take care of the errors.
Comment from pugdogy
just one little thing to look at=
Peggy sifted her stance. (shifted)
I enjoyed reading this piece of work. it is interesting holding the readers attention from beginning to end. keep up the great work!
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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just one little thing to look at=
Peggy sifted her stance. (shifted)
I enjoyed reading this piece of work. it is interesting holding the readers attention from beginning to end. keep up the great work!
Comment Written 05-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2009
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Thank you and I already took care of the typo. I appreciate you taking time to read.