Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Chapter 2 Part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
44 total reviews
Comment from nor84
Hello, Barbara.
Steven grabbed it, before him. >>> Do you mean "Steven drew first"? Or do you mean that Steven grabbed his gun?
near-black
heart skipped a beat may be a cliche
When Joe searches the boxes, no comma needed before 'until'
Joe searched cardboard boxes scattered around the floor, until he found the infant, wrapped in a pink hospital blanket and asleep.
Joe lifted her from the box and cradled her to his chest, kissing her forehead. "Precious little one, your parents can't wait to get you back," he whispered>>> it would be better to combine these two paragraphs, and instead of repeating "Joe" say "He" to start the second sentence.
Snubnose is one word.
"That's my cousin." She glanced at the man walking in front of Steven.>>>> She can't recognize him as her cousin until AFTER she glances at him. Action/reactioon have to be in that order.
"My guess; he's headed home, to Bogota'.">>>the semicolon is misused. I suggest: "my guess is that he's headed home to Bogot¡.">>> No comma needed.
Leya stood beside the window, alone, as angry >>> Leya stood alone beside the window, as angry
Matt motioned him toward the door. As Matt told him about Hector's >>> this would be smoother as "Matt gestured toward the door and walked out with him. When they were alone, he told Steven about Hector's visit.
"Why not arrest factor?" Steven asked, rubbing the back of his neck.
enroute is one word
He has to restore his authority and has no choice, but to allow a hit on his daughter. >>>comma not necessary
The last three paragraphs should be combined into one, and "Leya's body" should be "her body"
She grabbed the back of the chair as her legs collapsed. >>>We're living in her body right now, so what she feels, we feel.
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reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Hello, Barbara.
Steven grabbed it, before him. >>> Do you mean "Steven drew first"? Or do you mean that Steven grabbed his gun?
near-black
heart skipped a beat may be a cliche
When Joe searches the boxes, no comma needed before 'until'
Joe searched cardboard boxes scattered around the floor, until he found the infant, wrapped in a pink hospital blanket and asleep.
Joe lifted her from the box and cradled her to his chest, kissing her forehead. "Precious little one, your parents can't wait to get you back," he whispered>>> it would be better to combine these two paragraphs, and instead of repeating "Joe" say "He" to start the second sentence.
Snubnose is one word.
"That's my cousin." She glanced at the man walking in front of Steven.>>>> She can't recognize him as her cousin until AFTER she glances at him. Action/reactioon have to be in that order.
"My guess; he's headed home, to Bogota'.">>>the semicolon is misused. I suggest: "my guess is that he's headed home to Bogot¡.">>> No comma needed.
Leya stood beside the window, alone, as angry >>> Leya stood alone beside the window, as angry
Matt motioned him toward the door. As Matt told him about Hector's >>> this would be smoother as "Matt gestured toward the door and walked out with him. When they were alone, he told Steven about Hector's visit.
"Why not arrest factor?" Steven asked, rubbing the back of his neck.
enroute is one word
He has to restore his authority and has no choice, but to allow a hit on his daughter. >>>comma not necessary
The last three paragraphs should be combined into one, and "Leya's body" should be "her body"
She grabbed the back of the chair as her legs collapsed. >>>We're living in her body right now, so what she feels, we feel.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review I always enjoy hearing from you. I will get on the problems.
I had written snubnosed as one word and my spell check through a fit, so I did 2 words. I just check the dictionary and it has it as snub-nosed.
My Websters dictionary has en route as two words.
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You're right on en route and snub-nosed, Barbara. I re-checked.
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Thank you, again for taking time to read my posts. I took care of the other issues. I'm having a major problem trying to figure out when and when not to hypen certain words. How do I know? The example in today's post, near-black. I checked my dictionary and some words using near are hypned and some are not. I chose to go with my spell check because it will often put in the hypen, but not always. Are there guidelines to follow?
Thank you for your guideness. I always appreciate your input.
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If you say 'near black hair', "near" by itself doesn't describe hair. That's why you make a compound adjective, i.e., near-black. Sometimes it's simpler just to say dark brown.
The rules on when to hyphenate an adjective are a little cloudy. I recommend getting Meriam Webster's Manual for Writers and Editors. It's a good guide, and very clear. Too long to quote it here, but generally two-word compound adjectives are hyphenated when placed before the noun: fresh-cut grass, lace-trimmed dress, etc.
I don't know if the word processor would put a hyphen in for a compound adjective. Most likely, it would consider the words as unrelated.
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Thank you. I'll get the book you recommended. I will try to make sure my adjectives are hypenated.
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Thank you. I'll get the book you recommended. I will try to make sure my adjectives are hypenated.
Comment from Readywriter52
They found the baby alive and well. Unfortunately Leya was disowned by her father. I don't think I would want to be in a family of murderers and kidnappers.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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They found the baby alive and well. Unfortunately Leya was disowned by her father. I don't think I would want to be in a family of murderers and kidnappers.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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I'm pretty sure Leya doesn't either. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Joan E.
Thank you for recapping your story so readers can pick the thread. I enjoyed your fast moving story and dialog, with the addition of Spanish for authenticity. I especially liked the planned "hit on the daughter" for its realism and in the same vein the phrase "reminded herself to breathe."
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Thank you for recapping your story so readers can pick the thread. I enjoyed your fast moving story and dialog, with the addition of Spanish for authenticity. I especially liked the planned "hit on the daughter" for its realism and in the same vein the phrase "reminded herself to breathe."
Comment Written 10-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Summer Falls
The nonstop action at the beginning of the chapter was enthralling! You did a great job with the imagery. I especially liked the part where Joe cradled the infant,kissed her forehead and whispered to her. It showed his tender side.
I think you are doing a good job of moving Dani and Matt into the backstory and bringing Steven and perhaps Leya to the forefront.
I tell ya...ooh Leya already has it bad for hunky Steven. So do I , but Galeron will always have my heart. hehe.
Summer
PS A couple of things you may want to take a look at noted below.
until he found the infant, wrapped in a pink hospital blanket and asleep. [either: until he found the sleeping infant, wrapped in a pink hospital blanket OR: until he found the infant, asleep and wrapped in a pink hospital blanket.]
there are a lot of as she and as he...you may want to reword those instances. Do a "find" and you will see them all.
Hope I helped!
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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The nonstop action at the beginning of the chapter was enthralling! You did a great job with the imagery. I especially liked the part where Joe cradled the infant,kissed her forehead and whispered to her. It showed his tender side.
I think you are doing a good job of moving Dani and Matt into the backstory and bringing Steven and perhaps Leya to the forefront.
I tell ya...ooh Leya already has it bad for hunky Steven. So do I , but Galeron will always have my heart. hehe.
Summer
PS A couple of things you may want to take a look at noted below.
until he found the infant, wrapped in a pink hospital blanket and asleep. [either: until he found the sleeping infant, wrapped in a pink hospital blanket OR: until he found the infant, asleep and wrapped in a pink hospital blanket.]
there are a lot of as she and as he...you may want to reword those instances. Do a "find" and you will see them all.
Hope I helped!
Comment Written 10-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Thank you. I've already had two reviewers ask for Steven's phone number. I'll get on the mistakes.
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So what is his number, woman?
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I'll never tell, but she mention she would like to see a lot more of him. I promised she would, but not right away.
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OOOH! (eyebrows raise and flips through your manuscript) Where? Where?
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You'll have to wait a little while. Right now, I'm fighting with commas. I think I'll take them all out. I have people tell me to put them in and people tell me to take them out. OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
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You'll have to wait a little while. Right now, I'm fighting with commas. I think I'll take them all out. I have people tell me to put them in and people tell me to take them out. OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Comment from L.lora
Excellent, mui' bueno, I liked this very much. You've remained on track without leaving anything to question. Good follow through of thoughts, settings and just the right amount of action without over-kill around the baby. Your characters remain believable and their emotions/reactions are right on target with the situations they are being confronted with... Now we go to commercial, another cliff hanging...LOL. Always, Lora
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Excellent, mui' bueno, I liked this very much. You've remained on track without leaving anything to question. Good follow through of thoughts, settings and just the right amount of action without over-kill around the baby. Your characters remain believable and their emotions/reactions are right on target with the situations they are being confronted with... Now we go to commercial, another cliff hanging...LOL. Always, Lora
Comment Written 10-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I loved your humor.
Comment from sannod
your first line is a bit awkward with the repetition of gun. I would like to see a different kind of description for the two bad guys as well since I found I got hung up on the repetition of hispanic, maybe if you just add some more body details instead you wont have to spell it out and so get a better effect. I also found it a bit cluttered jumping between the characters, it was easy to get confused about what was going on and who was where in the room. It got very solid at the end though as your paired down the dialogue and moved into the description. It is a very intriguing peice and I look forward to reading the rest. I especially liked the description of the jeans, it was very well done. This looks like a great adventure, the kind that keeps you guessing.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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your first line is a bit awkward with the repetition of gun. I would like to see a different kind of description for the two bad guys as well since I found I got hung up on the repetition of hispanic, maybe if you just add some more body details instead you wont have to spell it out and so get a better effect. I also found it a bit cluttered jumping between the characters, it was easy to get confused about what was going on and who was where in the room. It got very solid at the end though as your paired down the dialogue and moved into the description. It is a very intriguing peice and I look forward to reading the rest. I especially liked the description of the jeans, it was very well done. This looks like a great adventure, the kind that keeps you guessing.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I am already editing the first paragraph.
Comment from Freeflyer
They found the baby awfully quickly, I thought it may drag out a bit. So now I will have to wait to get caught up in the next bit of suspence. I wonder what Leya's story is? Great writing.
Freeflyer
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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They found the baby awfully quickly, I thought it may drag out a bit. So now I will have to wait to get caught up in the next bit of suspence. I wonder what Leya's story is? Great writing.
Freeflyer
Comment Written 10-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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I had too many mother's worried about the baby. I was getting PM'ed about it. I had to get the baby back. I was getting tar and feathering threats. Thank you for your review.
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Wow! Some people do take their reading seriously, don't they? If it were non fiction, I would be anxious for the baby, for certain. But in fiction, the feeling of concern is pushed aside unless it is terribly graphic.
Cheers
Freflyer
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One person asked for Steven's phone number....
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Yes, well I could do with him to protect me.
Comment from wierdgrace
This is so interesting, you have action and adventure going at the same time, and the intense of what is going to happen next, what a book this is turning out to be, great, and no errors and revisions I can see, just love the characters and how you feel inside the story.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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This is so interesting, you have action and adventure going at the same time, and the intense of what is going to happen next, what a book this is turning out to be, great, and no errors and revisions I can see, just love the characters and how you feel inside the story.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
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you are welcome
Comment from fictionwriter
Another good chapter. I still don't feel pulled into the story, but it read alright in spite of that. I'd like to feel the tension rather than be told about it.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Another good chapter. I still don't feel pulled into the story, but it read alright in spite of that. I'd like to feel the tension rather than be told about it.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Sorry. I'll keep trying. Thank your for your review.
Comment from Arkine
[Add]
(remove)
When Steven and Joe entered the room with weapons drawn[.](,) [A] tall slender Hispanic man jumped out of a chair reaching for his holstered gun. Before he could get it, Steven grabbed the gun.
Hum, seems there might be some romance down the road. If neither of them get's killed that is. Interesting chapter, good continuation. :)
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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[Add]
(remove)
When Steven and Joe entered the room with weapons drawn[.](,) [A] tall slender Hispanic man jumped out of a chair reaching for his holstered gun. Before he could get it, Steven grabbed the gun.
Hum, seems there might be some romance down the road. If neither of them get's killed that is. Interesting chapter, good continuation. :)
Comment Written 10-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I will take care of the errors. I thought I'd caught them all. I had changed that sentence a 100 times and still didn't get it right.
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Oops, dang it. I meant to tell you to take out the 'When' at the beginning of that paragraph because it makes it past tense. Sorry.
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Gotcha, that makes more sense.